by K. C. Crowne
“Well, if you don’t let me get off the phone, we won’t even be meeting tonight because I’ll still be writing,” I laughed.
“Alright, alright, I get it. See ya at six.”
I hung up the phone and stared at my computer screen. The old article was open, but I had a new window open as well. Sometimes it was easier just to start from scratch. Kayla needed more from me. More what? I had no idea. She’d wanted more Colin, but I’d shared all that I was comfortable with sharing regarding him. He’d given me permission to write about him, but I didn’t want to delve into too much; not enough that anyone who knew him might recognize him. And because, honestly, some of it was too special to share with the world. Those were moments just for us, not for the rest of the world to read about in a travel blog.
Then I went back to what I’d thought about earlier, how Colin and Paris had changed me. They’d wanted a romantic element to the piece, so maybe I’d go with that, I thought.
How such a brief moment in time, when you’re in the right place and with the right person, can change you in ways you’d never imagined. Of course, it would all be tied back into Paris, and how the locale managed to bring about the changes. It sounded good to me, and I started typing. I lost track of time, as I usually did when lost in my work. While writing, I truly felt like I was back in Paris, re-living every moment with Colin. It was bittersweet, but it was required for the job, so I kept going until my stomach growled.
Crap. I looked at the clock. It was already closing in on my deadline. I didn’t have time to cook anything, so I hurried into the kitchen, made myself a peanut butter sandwich, and got back to work, typing as fast as possible.
There was something I needed to do today, I thought. I couldn’t put my finger on it, however. I pushed the thought away as I hurried to finish my article. Not only was the deadline approaching, but I had a dinner date with Anna. By the time I finished the article, it was 4:45. I sent it with a brief e-mail over to Kayla and shut my laptop, relieved to finally be done with it. I thought it was much better than before, and that it had a little something extra; just what Kayla had been asking for. Of course, I wouldn’t know for sure until the next day, after she’d read it and called me back. But at least I was one step closer to being done, and even closer to getting paid and moving onto the next assignment.
Again, I had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I was forgetting something, but it was closing in on time to meet Anna, and I still had to get ready. I wanted to look cute, so I went all out. A black cocktail dress, my hair down and curly, makeup and everything. My hair was always difficult, so it took a little longer than I’d expected, and I was running late.
“On my way,” I texted Anna as I headed out the door, right at 5:50. The restaurant was at least twenty minutes away. Oh well, she was used to me being late, it wouldn’t be the first time. Still, I felt bad, so I made sure to book my Uber for a solo ride instead of a shared one that might take longer. When the car pulled up to the restaurant, I rushed inside. The last few days had been a blur of running around, working, and more running around. I was looking forward to a little downtime. A vacation from my vacation, if you will.
Dominic’s was pretty crowded, as it usually was, but Anna was already seated at a table near the bar. She flagged me down as I entered, and I had never been so happy to see my best friend as I was in that moment.
I rushed over to her, and we embraced. It felt so nice and familiar to be there with her. My heart still ached, missing everything I left behind when I came back from Paris, but at least I had Anna.
The tears welled in my eyes, and I didn’t even know why. I wiped at them, smearing my mascara, which Anna helped wipe off.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” she asked.
“I don’t know, honestly, I’m just feeling emotional,” I said.
“You’re not pregnant, are you?” she teased.
Oh God, I thought. That’s what I’d forgotten to do! It was too late now; the pharmacies were closed. My face turned as white as a sheet.
“What is it?” Anna asked. “You can’t possibly be pregnant? This soon?”
“Oh no, I’m not,” I said, trying my best to laugh. “It’s just-- you know what, I think I’m just tired, and I missed you of course.”
“I missed you too,” she said, smiling wide.
My best friend was such a quirky girl. With her brown hair in a pixie cut and eyes that took up most of her face, most people would think she was downright adorable. But I knew her. She was one of the toughest women I knew, and someone I admired the shit out of.
I knew I could tell her anything, but this one thing - well, it didn’t seem worth telling her. It was no big deal. Not like I’d get pregnant from one broken condom anyway.
We sat down to eat, and when the waiter asked us what we’d like to drink, I decided on an unsweet tea. Anna cocked an eyebrow at me.
“Sure you’re not pregnant?”
“No, I swear,” I laughed. “I’ve just had so much champagne over the last week, I think my blood might be turning to alcohol. Besides, I need to monitor my blood sugar a bit better after my vacation.”
“Uh huh. That better be it,” she teased.
“Of course it is. There’s no way I could be pregnant,” I said.
“So you didn’t hook up with Doctor Hottiepants?” she asked, shooting me a mischievous grin.
“I didn’t say that. Listen, let’s get some food, then I’ll tell you all about it, alright?
“Deal,” she said with a cheeky grin.
God, I loved my best friend. And I meant it, there was no way I could be pregnant. No way. We’d have had to have a lot of unprotected sex for even a chance at pregnancy, so I had nothing to worry about. Or so I told myself, at least.
After all, it was too late by that point to do anything about it.
Hope
Hope - A few weeks later
Anna was pacing the bathroom, wringing her hands as I sat on the closed toilet seat. My face was buried in my hands and my body was completely numb. Time ticked by slowly. Too slowly. Every grain of sand falling through the hourglass felt like an eternity.
“Is it time yet?” I asked Anna.
She checked her phone and shook her head. “One more minute.”
“Jesus Christ,” I groaned, pulling my knees up to my chest and burying my face into them instead. “This has been the longest three minutes of my life.”
“I know, and I’m sorry,” Anna said.
My best friend stopped pacing and squatted down so she was on the same level as me. She tried to look into her eyes and when I looked away, she took my face into her hands, she forced me to meet her gaze.
“Whatever happens,” she said. “You’re going to be okay, Hope.”
“Am I?” I sputtered. “Because I don’t see how I’ll ever be okay again.”
“You’re not alone, Hope,” she said, sounding much more confident than I felt.
“Yeah, I kinda am considering the fact that I don’t know the first thing about the father of my child,” I said.
“You might not be pregnant,” Anna said. “Don’t go worst case scenario just yet.”
I just rolled my eyes and gave her a look that said, “Come on, we both know that I am.”
I was certain because my period was already three weeks late. Usually, I was as regular as they came. Always started on the same day and ended five days later. No exceptions. It had been that way since I first got my period way back when. I had apparently always one of the lucky ones -- even though, in that moment, I didn’t feel so lucky. I was never late and because I was, in my mind that really only meant one thing. I was pregnant.
“But you had safe sex,” she said. “Condoms are ninety-nine percent effective when --”
“When used effectively, yes, I know this,” I said and closed my eyes in a futile attempt to block the tears that were welling up within them. “But the condom broke on the last night we were together. I’d promised to get t
he morning after pill, but then I had to fly out and things were crazy when I got back here. It slipped my mind until it was too late.”
I figured, what were the chances, right? One little mishap wouldn’t end up in pregnancy, or so I thought at the time. What I didn’t factor into the equation was my shitty luck. And now, as I sat in the bathroom, waiting for the test to give me my results and determine my fate and the course of the rest of my natural life, I realized how stupid I had been. I was so afraid of losing my job, of upsetting my editor, I didn’t take the time to do what I should have done.
And now it’s too late, I told myself. Much, much too late.
“It’s time,” Anna said, her voice pulling me back to reality. “Do you want to look, or should I?”
Did I want to look? No. But I knew that I had to. I’d fucked up. This was my mess to deal with, and while Anna could be my emotional support, I had to deal with all of the fallout from this on my own.
“I’ll do it,” I said weakly.
Besides, not checking -- or having her check it and just tell me -- wasn’t going to change the results. It would only delay the inevitable. I shifted on the seat, facing the sink where the innocuous little plastic test kit had been sitting the entire time. I took a deep breath and glanced down at it.
“Two pink lines,” I said, trying to remember what I’d read. “That means I’m --”
Anna finished my sentence for me. “It means you’re pregnant, sweetie.”
Ooo000ooo
“So, what brings you in today?” the doctor asked me. I was thankful that I had a female doctor, someone who would hopefully understand what I was going through. She was an older woman, probably at grandmother if she’d had kids, but just by being a woman, I was immediately comfortable.
I looked over at Anna for emotional support. She had ahold of my hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “
I-- umm, well, my period was late, so I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive.” I said softly.
“I see. How late is your period?” Dr. Harrison asked.
“Three weeks.”
“Ah, yes. We’ll do a test here, just to be sure, but I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet that you’re pregnant, Miss Camden.”
I was grateful that she didn’t offer congratulations straight out of the gate. I wasn’t so sure I had a reason to be happy. Considering I had no idea how to track down the father of my child and had not planned to become pregnant anytime soon.
“It says here that you’re a diabetic?” she asked.
“Yes, ma’am,” I said. “Type 1, but it’s mostly under control.”
“That’s good,” she said, looking over my file. “And if you are pregnant, have you thought about your options?”
I-- umm, well, to be fair, I haven't thought about any of it yet,” I said. I giggled nervously, not because anything was funny, but because I felt like the tension inside of me might make me explode. “I keep hoping the home test was wrong.”
“I see,” Dr. Harrison said, giving a sympathetic look. “How about the father?”
I looked to Anna, and she looked at the doctor, answering for me. “He’s not in the picture.”
Dr. Harrison reached into a drawer and pulled something out, handing it over to me. “We’ll do another test in-house, just to be sure, but you should start thinking about your options,” she said. “If you decide to keep the baby, with your diabetes, I’d suggest seeing a specialist, someone who has experience with high-risk pregnancies. I’m more than happy to write you a referral.”
“Thank you,” I said. I stared down at the pamphlet in my hand. In big, pink writing it said, “So you’re pregnant. Have you thought about your options?” The exact conversation we’d just had. I opened it up, and right away, I regretted it.
“I’m not having an abortion,” I said. “I know that much.”
“It’s your choice, Miss Camden. There’s also adoption, if you decide you aren’t ready to be a mother. There are also resources for single mothers listed inside there. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
I knew she was trying to reassure me, but I was numb. I still couldn’t believe it. There was likely a life growing inside me as I sat there, speaking to them. A life I’d made with Colin. I’d always wanted to be a mother someday, so the idea of an abortion or giving the child up hadn’t even occurred to me. I wasn’t sure I could do either, honestly.
“Thank you,” I said softly, tucking the pamphlet away in my purse. “I would like to get that referral now, if possible.”
“Of course,” Dr. Harrison said. She flipped open a notebook and wrote something down before tearing the page out and handing it to me. “Dr. Pierce is the best in the field for a high-risk pregnancy such as yours. Even though there doesn’t seem to be problems yet, he’s the one you want on your team.”
I nodded and took the piece of paper, tucking it away in my purse. While we still needed to take the official pregnancy test, it seemed to be a fact. I was pregnant, and I was going to keep the baby.
My life was about to change dramatically.
Ooo000ooo
“I guess that settles it,” Anna said as we sat down at a cafe not far from the doctor’s office. “I’m going to be Auntie Anna. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”
She was trying her best to bring a smile to my face. I appreciated it, but it was so hard to feel anything. The news hit me hard, and I was numb. I’d have to tell my parents, eventually. They’d always wanted grandkids, but like this? With me being a single mom, not knowing where the father was or how to get ahold of him? My parents were pretty religious, and I hoped that they’d be able to handle the news. Ultimately, I knew they’d love and support me regardless, but the idea of disappointing them killed me.
I was so lost in thought, I was hardly listening to Anna. When it came time to order, I stared blankly at the menu.
“Just give her a second, will ya?” Anna said to the waitress. “She’s had a rough day.”
The waitress scurried off to grab us some waters in the meantime, and still, I stared at the menu, not reading the words.
“Hope? You okay, sweetie?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said, shaking myself out of my trance. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
“Because for a moment, I thought I’d lost you,” she said. “You seemed to be somewhere else entirely.”
“I felt like I was,” I said.
“Let me guess - Paris?” she said, her voice holding a tinge of sadness.
“No, not really,” I said. “I don’t know where I was at honestly.”
There was a moment of silence, and I actually looked over the menu and picked out something to eat. I needed to eat. Not just for myself anymore, but for the life growing inside of me.
“Are you going to call this Dr. Pierce?” Anna asked.
“Yeah, eventually,” I muttered.
The waitress came back, and this time, I ordered a grilled cheese panini. It was the first sandwich listed underneath sandwiches, so I just chose it to keep things simple.
“You know I’m here for you, no matter what,” she said. She reached across the table and gave my hand a firm squeeze. “If you’d like help tracking Colin down, I’m more than happy to utilize my resources at work.”
“No,” I said firmly. “I don’t want to drag him into this. He didn’t ask for a baby, and I don’t know if he’d want me to keep it. I think it’s better if we just pretend he didn’t exist, alright?”
Anna didn’t look so sure, but she nodded after a minute or two. “Alright. It’s your choice. I just know how hard it will be to raise a child alone, especially living in Los Angeles and with how much you travel for work.”
Those were things I hadn’t had a chance to think about yet. How would I manage to continue traveling for work? Would I be able to travel while pregnant? Would I be able to haul a baby around with me? And even if I managed to keep my job, I hardly had enough to pay for a one-bedroom apartment in
Los Angeles. The baby would need things I wasn’t sure I could provide.
That broke me, and I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.
“Anna, I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know I want this baby.”
Anna stood from her chair and rushed over to my side, wrapping me in a warm embrace. “Shh, honey, I know. You’re strong, and you’re not alone. We’ll figure this out together, I promise.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I let her comfort me until our food arrived. I felt sick to my stomach, most likely from all the stress, but I forced myself to eat. I had to keep myself healthy. It was important before, but now, it was even more important. I was already a high-risk pregnancy, so I needed to make sure I followed all the rules and did everything right.
First thing’s first, I had to make an appointment with Dr. Pierce.
Colin
“New patient in room two,” Lauren said softly. “She seemed really nervous to be here, poor thing. I tried to put her mind at ease the best I can. She only just found out she’s pregnant.”
“Thanks, Lauren. I’m headed there now,” I said.
I walked down the hallway, grabbed the file on the door and noted her history. Diabetic. Positive pregnancy test. Her first pregnancy. It was a pretty simple appointment for the time being, just a few tests to start monitoring her pregnancy. No problems yet, so that was good. She came to me early. It always made my job easier when someone came to me before there were issues.
I glanced at her name. Hope Camden.
Hope.
I knew it couldn’t be my Hope, but just reading the name brought back so many vivid, happy memories. My heart ached, but I pushed it aside. This Hope needed me now, and I needed to be in tip-top shape, not pining over some woman I’d never see again.