by Skye Horn
“Maybe soulmates can walk away if their reasoning is solid enough,” Declan said, following her gaze to the sky. “But I’ve never had much faith in soulmates. They seem a little toxic if you ask me.”
Thea nodded her head in agreement. Having your soul bonded to another made it feel like someone had stolen her choice. She’d come to Faerie and fallen in love with Kieran, but everything that had happened since they’d met had changed her. She couldn’t deny that. When she’d arrived, she’d been scared and dependent on him to explain the way this world worked. However, then he’d left, and her entire world had fallen into unending chaos.
Kieran’s expectations for her to be the princess he’d known as a child were heavy, but was that even who she was anymore? Hadn’t she grown into something more?
She wondered who Princess Thea had really become. Perhaps that was the actual reason he no longer wanted her—she didn’t live up to his expectations.
“I guess I’m not the greatest wife material,” she commented with a soft laugh. It was the understatement of the century, but it gave her the courage to look at Declan. He was staring back at her, but the look in his eyes was one she didn’t recognize. She wanted to snap her walls back into place, realizing they’d come down just a little during their conversation, but it was too late. Whatever he was seeing could not be taken back.
“Actually, you’re kind of perfect since you’re in love with someone else,” he said with an amused glint in his eyes. “I thought you’d come here and try to change me, but here you are worried that you’re the one who isn’t good enough.”
Thea lifted an eyebrow and said, “We’re an odd pair, aren’t we?”
The tension in the air relaxed a little as they both laughed. She had thought being around Declan would infuriate or annoy her, but she felt comfortable with him. He was just as angry about soulmates as she was. He’d had a rough past, which he started talking about as they watched the stars, and she allowed herself to just listen to someone else’s tragic story for once. Her own would still be there later. In fact, she knew she couldn’t outrun it even if she tried. But to hear about Declan’s parents’ terrible ending made her worry less about her own predicament.
“Having a soul bond killed my mom,” he said. “So I guess that’s why I think it’s toxic.”
He leaned forward to pluck a daisy from the garden and tucked it into Thea’s hair with a frown.
“I’m sorry your soulmate is treating you this way, though. It seems like you need a friend.”
The touch of his hand on her hair made Thea pause and wonder how she would survive this. Their kingdoms wanted them to get married, but neither of them could love the other. Where did that leave them? And could she marry someone when she wanted to be with someone else? Even if it helped her people? She wasn’t sure.
“You’re the second person to say that today,” Thea said with a soft laugh. “I actually have friends, you know.”
“Friends your own age?” Declan grinned, tilting his head in question, but Thea refused to answer. Ethel and Mica were too young to qualify as the friends she needed, but she didn’t have that many choices.
“Fine, I do need a friend, and I guess it’s turning out to be not as bad as I imagined it would be,” she admitted, shaking her head.
Thea was aware of how close they sat next to each other and of the fact that he had not yet removed his hand from her hair. This entire evening had been intimate and the guilt that was bubbling just beneath the surface of her flimsy control made her feel queasy.
Declan didn’t seem to notice though. Instead, he leaned down and pressed his parted lips against hers. At first, her body reacted to the touch of his lips against hers. It had been months since anyone had cared enough to kiss her. But where a moment ago she and Declan were on the same page about romance, she now felt the blossoming of confusion and anger beneath her skin. This kiss was far different from any of her stolen moments with Kieran. For a while she’d wondered if it was even possible for her to feel anything after those. The kiss was giving her an answer she wasn’t ready to accept.
Regardless, the thought of Kieran brought Thea back to reality, and anger overtook her confusion. She pressed her hands against Declan’s chest and pushed him away, nearly sending him into the fountain.
“Why?” she asked, unable to think of any other words to say as she rose to her feet. Her face burned with not only anger, but also embarrassment.
Declan only stared at her in disbelief, as if he’d never been rejected before. His eyes widened like an animal’s stuck in a trap.
Thea touched her lips with trembling fingers, wanting to scream at herself for being so stupid. Declan had made the pain she felt over Kieran easier to survive for the past few hours, but now a tidal wave of fresh agony swept over her. Her hands shook, and she blinked furiously to fight away tears at how naïve she had been to think he actually cared to be her friend.
“I just thought…”
“Thought what?” she demanded. “I’ve just spilled my entire heartbreak to you and you thought kissing me was the solution? Or did you think that because you were being nice to me, something would happen between us tonight?”
She narrowed her eyes on him, watching the walls that had deteriorated snap right back into place, but not before a look of utter confusion passed across his gaze.
How in the world could he be confused right now, she wondered, wishing she had something to throw at him.
“I don’t know,” was all he said in response, and Thea’s frustration only grew.
“I can’t do this,” she said, spinning on her heels to head out of the gardens. She heard him calling after her but did not turn around.
Thea raced through the corridors toward her bedroom, hoping to avoid running into anyone along the way. The burning anger within her veins felt like it might explode if someone stopped her, and she couldn’t explain why. Sure, Declan’s kiss had been surprising, but why couldn’t she control her reaction? It was like she was back in the meeting with her High Court all over again, or in that alleyway with Kieran. Her fingertips flickered with blue flames and a gust of wind forced her forward.
She rubbed the back of her hand against her lips, as if that would wipe away the kiss, and slammed the door of her bedroom shut behind her. Her chest rose and fell in a panic as she clawed at the corset constraining her abdomen. Everything felt wrong… like her skin was too tight or she wasn’t getting enough oxygen into her lungs.
What is happening to me?
When the corset was unlaced and she’d stripped down to her underwear, she collapsed to the floor, digging her fingernails into the floorboards. Scorch marks appeared in their wake as her magic grew more and more unstable.
“Please make it stop,” she cried out, her chest rising and falling with quick struggling breaths, but no one came to her rescue and no one heard her cries.
She whimpered and writhed on the floor, tears streaming from her eyes as her heart beat thrummed against her ears and her throat tightened. Panic bubbled inside, making her want to scream, but she remained mute. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t feel. She could only exist until the panic subsided, leaving her curled up in the fetal position on the floor, surrounded by burning azure flames. In the end, her heartbeat slowed to a normal pace, and the flames diminished, but she didn’t dare move until her breathing settled. Whatever had just happened, she couldn’t shake the feeling that it had come from more than a simple kiss.
Thea pulled herself to her knees and moved to fill the footed tub with one bucket of water at a time, as if a bath might take away the lingering anger and panic that teased her mind. It took many trips before the tub was full, but she warmed the water with magic before sinking deep beneath the steaming liquid until her head was beneath the water.
The sound of her steadying heartbeat calmed her fears.
Everything is okay, she told herself, trying to shake the lingering feelings of panic. You’ve just freaked out.
The fact was that she’d done more than just freak out. She wondered if it was a soulmate side-effect. Maybe kissing someone who wasn’t your soulmate made you turn into a complete whacko.
If that were true, you’d never have had a boyfriend before Kieran, she reminded herself, albeit not sure that Kieran actually qualified as a boyfriend. He’d turned more into a one-night stand, which made her even more upset with herself.
So what had happened, then? Why had she broken down so completely over such a simple kiss? She’d been angry enough to strike out against Declan in that moment. Turning and running away had seemed like the only option, but why even be that angry? It wasn’t as if he’d forced her to kiss him back, and she had kissed him back.
Thea gripped the sides of the tub, about to pull herself out of the water for a breath of air, when a voice stopped her—a voice she hadn’t heard in months.
Ainé.
She sounded far away, but she called out Thea’s name. Thea’s lungs burned from the lack of oxygen, but she forced herself to remain under the water, calling out with her own mind.
The call was desperate and hopeful. If she had heard Ainé, then perhaps the Goddess wasn’t dead, and perhaps she could help Thea get through this mess she’d put her in. An image flashed through Thea’s mind, fighting passed her blurring consciousness. It was a red mare, the same red mare from the dream she’d had when she’d first arrived in Faerie, but it flickered in and out of focus.
The mare, who Thea knew was or represented Ainé, lay in the grass—injured, weak, and possibly dying. She stared at Thea with pleading golden eyes, but as soon as the image had appeared, it was gone, and Thea was being jerked out of the tub.
She gasped to take a breath, but water burst out of her lips like burning acid from her throat. Her blurred vision could just make out a large winged shape lifting her soaking naked body out of the tub. Thea had expected Kieran’s arms to cradle her, despite their fight, but these arms were too small to be Kieran’s.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” Haven was yelling, and Thea wanted to tell her about what she’d seen, but the world faded away before she could speak.
Chapter 16
Kieran headed straight to bed after his exhausting encounter with Morrigan, ignoring Amara’s protests on his way up the stairs.
And you were naïve enough to believe her? The question haunted Kieran even as he closed his eyes to sleep away the ache the dark magic had left his muscles feeling.
He’d believed Ainé—why wouldn’t he? She’d done nothing to hurt him. Well, that was if you didn’t count making Thea his soulmate, because that most definitely hurt. But maybe she had plans for that, maybe there was a way…
It made less sense the more he tried to convince himself. Morrigan was right about one thing, at least: having a soul bond with someone you could never actually be with felt like a punishment. Every fiber of his being wanted to run to Thea and tell her how sorry he was for the things he’d said to her. His mind swirled with the possibilities of all the ways he could tell her how much he still loved her. Then they could fly off into the sunset together and never look back. They could choose themselves over the kingdom for once. He knew it was wrong to imagine, selfish to even consider, and yet he couldn’t stop himself.
The alternative was too painful.
Think about everything you’ve been told and ask yourself what truth might unfold beneath the lies. If you discover that truth, you may also find your deepest desire satisfied, for only with darkness can there be light, and only with light can there be shadows for darkness to dwell within.
The riddle was too much for Kieran’s mind to decipher. He understood that light and darkness needed each other to exist, but why did it matter? Why spin him riddles about discovering lies he may have been told? And how could he know she wasn’t the one lying to him?
He buried his head against his pillow, trying to shut out the noise of the tavern below. Despite the exhaustion he felt, sleep evaded him as he watched the sun set beyond his window, but it wasn’t until his eyes closed that a knock sounded at the door.
“I don’t want company, Amara,” he sighed, not bothering to look at the door as it opened. The last thing he wanted to hear right now was more about how Thea was affecting him. He knew that without her annoying persistence. However, it wasn’t Amara who entered the room.
“It seems you haven’t wanted company for months,” Ethel said with a note of disapproval.
Kieran turned to stare at her with wide eyes. She had not been whom he’d expecting, but even more, she looked like a young lady dressed in a fine purple dress that accented how tall she’d grown. Her hair was pinned to the top of her head, but ringlets of curls fell around her dimpled face.
“What’s that on your eyes?” Kieran asked, lifting an eyebrow at Ethel as he sat up. She’d lined her eyes with some kind of black ink. He wanted to get up and wipe it off with his sleeve, not liking the way it made her appear older than thirteen—wait, no. He’d missed her birthday. She was fourteen now.
Kieran frowned at the realization and watched Ethel’s cheeks melt into crimson roses. She came into the room, shutting the door behind her, and said, “Six months and you want to talk about my eyes?”
“I just don’t think you need to wear that,” Kieran said, pursing his lips into a straight line as Ethel laughed. The laughter didn’t touch her eyes though, and he could see she was about to cry. He didn’t know if he could handle any more crying today. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you, Ethel.”
He patted the place on the bed beside him, scooting over so she’d have room to sit, and asked, “Did you come here alone?”
Imagining Ethel walking through the streets of Gimmerwich dressed like this with decorated eyes made his stomach turn. How could Thea have let her do something like that? If Ethel was here with Thea, then it was Thea’s responsibility to make sure she didn’t do stupid, childish things like wander into the village near nightfall with no—
Ethel interrupted his thoughts clearing her throat, and shook her head.
“Mica came with me,” she said, easing at least a little of the anger Kieran had been feeling. Mica wasn’t a soldier, but Kieran knew for a fact he’d let nothing happen to Ethel. “But I made him wait downstairs.”
“Why?” Kieran asked, glancing toward the door as if expecting to see Mica come through at any moment.
“Let’s just say Mica has less control over his anger when it comes to Thea,” Ethel said coolly, but her eyes had hardened enough to make Kieran want to slink away. Of course Thea had told them what had happened, and Mica would be furious—Kieran was. “And I didn’t want you to end up hurting him because he lost his temper.”
“I would never hurt Mica, Ethel,” Kieran said. Like Ethel, Mica was like a younger sibling to him. The difference between Mica and Ethel was that Mica had followed Kieran around for years with sticks he’d pretended were swords. He’d begged Kieran to teach him how to fight so he could protect the people he loved. Ethel had wanted to learn to fight too, but she’d been more interested in making sure Kieran knew she existed than protecting anyone.
“Well, I guess I just don’t know what you’d never do anymore,” Ethel mumbled. She was staring at her hands folded in her lap now, refusing to meet Kieran’s eyes, and again he saw the way she held back her tears—a trick she’d obviously learned from Thea. Her words hurt because they were true. He’d left Ethel as much as he’d left Thea, and he hadn’t even given her a letter to read. How pathetic was that?
“I’m sorry, Ethel,” Kieran said, resting his hand on top of hers. She didn’t cry, but she may as well have because the look she gave him broke his heart.
“Sorry doesn’t fix things, and I’m not as forgiving as Thea.” Ethel pulled her hands away and looked toward the door. “You left us all, Kieran. Thea has been a complete wreck for months, sending Mica off on some secret mission to make sure you are okay… Iris is back in Grimwalde because Cora’s father is sick—”
“Cora’s father is—”
Ethel didn’t let him finish.
“And,” she said, raising her voice, “I was left to pick up the pieces you broke. Do you know how scared I’ve been that I might leave Thea alone for just a little too long? That I might come back and find out she couldn’t handle it anymore? When she isn’t pretending she’s fine she is like a ghost.”
Kieran wanted to say he was sorry again, but didn’t think that would be the appropriate response now. Instead, he just stared at Ethel in surprise. He’d known leaving Thea would be hard on all of them. He thought about the way Amara had been looking out for him for the last few months as he spiraled and a pang of guilt surged through him at the realization that maybe he hadn’t been giving her enough credit. Had he been a ghost too? Just going through the motions of life at every turn until Thea had showed up in the tavern today?
It had been the most alive he’d felt in months—shit, he thought.
“I don’t know what you expect me to do,” Kieran sighed. Ethel had stopped talking and was now examining the dirt-crusted room he was staying in with a crinkled nose. All he wanted to do was hug her and tell her how much he’d missed her over these few months, but she did not look in the mood to be hugged. When Kieran had left Ivandor, he’d gone from having a sister who knew everything about him, to having a cousin who was terrified of his mood swings—because who wouldn’t be? He missed the way Ethel could calm him down under any set of circumstances and talk him through the logic rather than the emotions, even though she was emotional herself.
“I can’t tell you what to do, Kieran, but whatever you did today…” She was shaking her head as if it might clear away whatever image of Thea had appeared there. “I haven’t seen her look like that since Marcus died, pretending to be fine for everyone around her… acting like she can handle it all. Don’t you remember what happened next?”