by Liz Eeles
I’m no puritan. If I could have glugged back a few alcoholic drinks, I would have. They might have blotted out all my cares and worries. But having to drive Becca and Phyllis home saved my liver from Luna’s gin on a work night.
Luna has been pretty scarce all evening, although we invited her to join us. I spot her through the kitchen window after I’ve returned from Honeyford and parked my car at the back of the cottage. Light is spilling onto the dark garden and she’s silhouetted against the glass.
I let myself into the warm kitchen and slide the bolt across the top of the heavy wooden door. A pile of freshly washed glasses are standing on the drainer so I grab a tea towel and start drying.
‘Thank you, Luna. It was so kind of you to have us here. Phyllis in particular had a wonderful evening out, and she loved your gin.’
‘I thought she might. She could do with some fun in her life,’ says Luna, wiping a cloth across the worktop. She’s changed out of her fabulous kaftan and is in a long fleecy dressing gown. But, with her hair still wrapped in the silver scarf, she’s rocking her nightwear.
‘What did you think of my book club members?’ I ask her. ‘You must know some of them?’
‘I know Stanley and Dick to nod to in the street and I’ve seen Mary pushing her pram past my shop. The poor mite always looks dead on her feet. Millicent’s new to me, and I think I rather frightened Becca.’
‘I frighten her sometimes too.’
‘Such a shame. She has a radiant soul but it’s shackled. Maybe one day she’ll break free. It’s a terrible thing to be reined in by fear, or’ – she glances at me across the top of her dishcloth – ‘lack of confidence in one’s own abilities.’
‘Do you think I lack confidence?’
Luna laughs, as though surprised I should even ask the question. ‘You’re confident on the surface, but I can see beneath the façade. Your confidence has been stifled, but you’re starting to break free. Your energies are rising, Flora.’
‘Are you sure?’ I rub at my tired eyes and stifle a yawn. It’s been a long day.
Luna stops cleaning and stares past my shoulder as though she’s aware of things I can’t see. She does this regularly, and it freaks the life out of me every time.
‘This is a period of great upheaval for you, my dear. You’re standing at a crossroads and I’m lighting a candle for you every evening to help you choose the right path. I light one for Daniel too.’ She sucks her lower lip between her teeth. ‘Do you still love your husband, Flora?’
I can see where Daniel gets his intensity from. I kneel down to push the last dry glass into its cupboard and close the door. ‘I don’t know. Probably. I know he’s behaved badly but he’s been a part of my life for so long, he’s almost shaped the person I am, if that doesn’t sound too ridiculous. What I mean is, I’m not sure who I am without him. And when he begs me to give him a second chance, I keep thinking that maybe I should.’ I get to my feet and breathe out loudly. ‘What if I’m not capable of living a different life, Luna? We’re not all as brave as you are.’
Luna’s still staring into the distance. ‘Reinvention takes courage, and that is something you definitely don’t lack, Flora.’
‘Are you sure? I feel like a right old scaredy-cat at the moment.’
She stops gazing at nothing in particular and looks at me. ‘It took courage to take on the bookshop and open the café, and to invest in the coffee shop. Especially if your husband wasn’t keen on you doing so.’
‘It just felt like something I had to do.’
‘And is it going well?’
‘In some ways. I’m definitely getting more confident about my choices for the shop and the café.’ I shrug. ‘I think some people see me as confident all the time, but it’s mostly an act, especially since everything imploded with Malcolm.’
‘Of course.’
‘And if I don’t go back to Malcolm, it’s really important that I feel at home and accepted in Honeyford. But I still feel…’ I pause, lost for words.
‘Like a square peg in a round hole?’
‘Yes! That’s it exactly.’
‘It takes time to be properly accepted in a small town like this. But it’ll happen if you don’t try to force it.’
‘But you’ve been here for years and…’ I stop before I say something that might sound unkind, but Luna throws back her head and laughs.
‘And the locals still think I’m an oddity? That’s because I seem so different from them, but you’re normal so you’ll fit right in. Eventually.’
‘I’m not saying you’re not normal.’
‘I know that, Flora. But who the hell wants to be normal anyway? Whatever normal is. Stanley’s finding that out, rather late in life, and he’s doing a damn fine job of it.’
‘I rather admire him.’
‘Me too,’ says Luna, walking over to me and putting her hand on my shoulder. The flecks in her silver nail varnish glint in the light. ‘Honestly, Flora, you’ll be absolutely fine if you truly follow your heart. Now, let’s get ourselves off up to bed.’ She waits for me to walk into the hall before switching off the kitchen light behind me.
‘Did you reinvent yourself after your husband died?’ I ask when we get to the bottom of the stairs. Well, she was the one who started asking personal questions.
Luna pauses with her hand on the banister and gives the ghost of a smile. ‘I suppose you could say that I did, yes.’
‘So who were you before?’
‘Before I became Luna who runs a magical emporium in a tiny Cotswold town? Before this life, I was Kenneth’s wife and Daniel’s mother and, more recently, Caleb’s grandmother. I’m still all of those things but now I’m at one with Gaia.’
‘Gaia?’
‘The goddess Gaia,’ says Luna, cheerily, as though being at one with an ancient Greek deity is an everyday occurrence.
‘So what was your name before you became Luna?’ I plough on, feeling bolder.
‘Does it matter?’
‘No, I don’t suppose it does. I was just curious.’
‘Curiosity is a gift that adults often lose.’ Luna narrows her amazing amber eyes. ‘My name was Mabel, Mabel Purfoot, and I lived a very ordinary life in a 1960s semi, and I was happy enough. And then my husband died and I made some changes. I followed a path that was always beckoning but I thought was closed off to me. And now I’m happy in a different way.’
‘Mabel isn’t an exotic enough name for you. I can’t imagine you as a Mabel.’
Luna giggles. ‘I must admit I wasn’t a very good Mabel. There was always a Luna underneath, bursting to get out.’
‘What would your husband think of your new life?’
‘Oh, he’d hate it!’ Luna suddenly claps a hand to her mouth. ‘Oops, I’ve forgotten to blow out the Circle of Creativity candles, and I don’t want another fire.’
Another fire? I follow Luna into the parlour, which is still aglow and a total fire hazard. While I’m helping to blow the candles out, I ask as nonchalantly as possible, ‘Did Daniel mind his home being invaded this evening?’
‘I don’t think so. He’s a good man. Though he seemed a little distracted. A little down and out of balance, which is a shame because he’s had enough to cope with. Do you know why he was out of sorts?’
‘No, why would I?’
Luna looks up, her face golden in the flickering light of the last candle. ‘No reason.’ She pinches the wick with her thumb and forefinger, and her face disappears into the darkness.
Back at the bottom of the stairs, she briefly strokes my cheek with the back of her hand. ‘Sleep well, Flora, and may the goddess visit you in your dreams.’
I’m not sure I want any weird visitations in the night but I bid Luna a good night too and switch off the hall light while she heads upstairs. Before following her, I stand for a moment and listen to the cottage creak and groan as it settles. Becca’s scared of this old building, with its nooks and crannies, gloomy corners and cobwebs. But I’ve gro
wn accustomed to the place, with its smell of candle smoke and herbs and the faint caustic odour of damp.
Luna has made a go of things, I tell myself as I climb the creaking stairs. And I can too, even if I don’t get back together with Malcolm and throw myself into the shop and café and Honeyford instead. Maybe the new path I’m treading isn’t quite so scary after all.
Chapter Fifteen
By the time I’ve brushed my teeth and got into bed, I’ve decided that treading a new path is actually pretty terrifying. Mabel always felt there was a Luna ready to burst out, but I’ve never felt like bursting. I’ve always been Flora – daughter, wife, restaurant helper, round peg in a round hole.
I lie in bed, worrying, as the seconds tick past on the alarm clock next to me. First, I worry that my business will fail and I’ll be run out of Honeyford as a big, fat failure. Then my worries become more scattergun, as worries often do. Will the Charter Day celebrations in the shop and The Cosy Kettle be a success? How long can I live at Luna’s without overstaying my welcome? What do the book club really think of me? After a while, my thoughts turn to Daniel, and I start worrying that he overheard Millicent and now thinks I’m making fun of him for reading Day of Desire. And why did he kiss my cheek in the shop? I wonder.
My sigh sounds especially loud in the quiet room as I snuggle down under the duvet. The kiss obviously meant nothing to him because he hasn’t mentioned it since. But I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.
Malcolm sometimes kissed me on the cheek when I got home from work. But Daniel’s kiss was different. He smelled of citrus and unfamiliar spices, and he had to lean down further to reach me. His lips seemed warmer and softer – and, I’m ashamed to admit it, they sent shivers down my spine in a way Malcolm’s quick pecks haven’t for years.
Ten minutes later, after abandoning any hope of sleep, I switch on the lamp and blink as light floods the small room. I’ll nip to the loo and then read for a while, until the words dance across the page and I’m woken with a start as the book thwacks into my face.
Daniel’s bedroom door is closed when I pass by in my dressing gown on the way back from the bathroom. But a sliver of light is spilling from underneath the door onto the landing’s dark, polished floorboards.
Would it be unwise to speak to Daniel now and make sure he didn’t overhear Millicent? It certainly wouldn’t be the sensible thing to do. Though I might sleep easier if I know I haven’t horribly offended him.
Before I can change my mind, I creep back to his door, give a tentative knock, and immediately regret it. There’s no answer. Phew!
I’m about to scuttle back to my room when I hear Daniel’s deep voice. ‘Yes? Come in.’
Damn! Opening the door a crack, I peer inside. ‘Only me!’
I cringe. What kind of moron announces themselves like that at almost midnight?
‘Yes, I can see it’s only you.’
Daniel puts down the book he’s reading and stares at me. He’s propped up against the pillows in his double bed with the cover pulled across his legs. The waistband of his pyjama trousers is just visible above the cover, but his top half is naked. His chest is almost hairless and slightly tanned and his abdominal muscles are rippled under his skin. I didn’t expect an accountant to have a six-pack. Crikey, I think I’m staring.
‘Is there a problem?’ asks Daniel in a monotone. He looks tired and decidedly unfriendly.
‘Nope. No problem. I just wanted to thank you for putting up with my book club this evening.’
‘That’s all right.’ He glances down and pulls the cover higher. ‘You could have thanked me tomorrow.’
‘Indeed. Sorry to bother you. I’ll head for bed. Sleep well and may you be visited in the night by a goddess.’
What the hell? I can’t believe I said that and neither can Daniel from the look he’s giving me. His bare chest is definitely discombobulating me.
‘Um, you too?’ he says, slowly.
When he picks up his book, I should close the door, go to my room and sink into a deep, goddess-free sleep. That’s what anyone who wasn’t a total idiot would do. I push the door open a little wider. ‘Did you hear us talking about Day of Desire?’
Daniel sighs and lays his book down again, on top of the midnight-blue cover. ‘I heard the posh woman in a gilet making fun of my reading material, if that’s what you mean.’
Oh dear. That’s not only exactly what I meant, it’s exactly what I feared.
‘Look, I’m sorry, but it’s not what it sounded like.’ When there’s a creak from Luna’s bedroom, I step into Daniel’s room and push the door closed behind me. I’ll have the whole household involved in this conversation if I’m not careful. ‘All that happened was I suggested club members should read the book you lent me.’
‘Why? As a foil to the usual highbrow literature you read? Something to have a giggle about.’ He huffs, but there’s a glimmer of hurt in his eyes.
‘No, not at all,’ I insist, walking towards the bed. ‘I thought it would do them good to read something different, to challenge their preconceptions and see that a book can surprise them.’
‘Did it surprise you?’
‘It did. I loved it. The writing is fabulous and the relationship between the two main protagonists is heartfelt and beautiful. I liked it so much, I ordered in some copies for the shop and they’ve been selling well. It’s a real hit with the locals.’
‘You thought it was well-written?’
‘I did, and I’m sure Millicent will too once she gets over being a literature snob and actually reads it.’
‘You really liked it,’ he repeats, slowly.
‘I honestly did. I’ve never read anything else by the author. What’s her name? April Devlin? Do you know much about her?’
‘Not really,’ says Daniel, but, when the corner of his mouth lifts, I don’t believe him. There’s nothing about the author online and the book’s self-published so… Oh! The answer to the mystery hits me like a sledgehammer. The author was his wife. That’s why he’s being weird about it.
‘Are you sure you don’t know who April Devlin is? I mean I just thought… I wondered if…’ Oh, just go for it, Flora. I take a deep breath. ‘I wondered if it might actually be Emma?’
‘My Emma?’ Daniel shakes his head. ‘What makes you think that?’
‘It doesn’t seem the sort of book you’d normally read, I guess.’ I sneak a peek at the abandoned book resting on his legs. It’s a thriller set in Scandinavia, packed full of snow, artfully decluttered houses and dead bodies.
‘You should know, more than most, that people’s reading tastes can be eclectic,’ says Daniel. ‘No, Day of Desire wasn’t written by Emma. She loved reading and, who knows, she might have written a book one day, but she never had the time.’
So much for my brilliant brainwave! Though I’m not completely convinced because Daniel definitely looks shifty.
He clears his throat. ‘How do you think Caleb’s doing these days? I’d be interested in your opinion.’
I know a deliberate change of subject when I hear one, but I’m so ridiculously pleased to be asked about Caleb that I don’t care. No one’s ever asked my opinion about a child before.
‘He seems quiet but maybe he’s always like that?’
‘Not really.’ Daniel frowns. ‘He does worry me.’
Without thinking, I perch on the edge of the bed. ‘I’m sure Caleb will be fine. It can be hard being a kid, especially with what’s happened to him, but he has you and Luna. He’s surrounded by people who love him and that’s the most important thing.’
‘I hope so. I saw you reading to him yesterday. Did you bring the book home specially?’
‘Yeah, it was new in, all about dragons and wizards. He looked like he needed a bit of downtime and he enjoyed it.’
To be honest, I enjoyed it just as much. Especially when Caleb snuggled up to me on the sofa to look at the illustrations. The rush of protectiveness I felt for a child I hardly know quite t
ook me by surprise. Maybe that’s what motherhood feels like. I suddenly feel very weary and I rub a hand across my eyes. It’s time for bed and I think I might sleep now. But when I go to stand up, Daniel lays his hand on my arm.
‘We haven’t had a chance to talk for a couple of days. How are things going with your husband?’ He lets go of my arm and leans back against his pillows.
‘I don’t know. I’m still confused about what I want to do. He’d still like me to come home, and he’s been even more attentive, sending me loads of complimentary texts, since… well, since…’ I stop talking and wrap my thin dressing gown more tightly around me.
‘Since I kissed you on the cheek in front of him? I thought that might do the trick.’
‘It did. He’s very uptight about it, especially as he knows we’re living under the same roof.’
‘How does he know that?’
I wrinkle my nose. ‘I might have let it slip. Accidentally, of course.’
‘Of course.’ Daniel grins and shifts his long legs under the covers. ‘He’d have self-combusted if I’d properly kissed you. Can you imagine?’
I can imagine. In fact, that’s what I’m imagining right now: Daniel in the shop, giving the toxic lilies a hefty kick before sweeping me into his strong arms and pressing his mouth against mine. Up yours, Malcolm!
‘He would have hated it,’ I squeak, swallowing loudly.
‘I wish I’d done it, then. Right there, in the shop.’
Outside the window, an owl is hooting in the distance and moths are flapping their wings against the glass. But inside the bedroom everything is still, quiet – and hot. Very hot. In fact, so damn hot, I feel as if I’m the one about to self-combust as Daniel leans towards me.
I stop breathing as our mouths gets closer. He’s actually going to kiss me. A man who isn’t Malcolm is going to kiss me, and I’m going to like it.
Daniel’s head suddenly turns as there’s a scrabbling noise at the door and he slumps back against his pillow when the door swings open to reveal Caleb rubbing his eyes. I jump up off the bed and pull my dressing gown even more tightly around me.