She had to admit to herself that she had no idea. Her father had taught her to always be honest with herself. It was ok not to understand the emotions she was feeling, but she should never lie to herself or try to dismiss them.
This was what she would do. She would own her feelings for Zane and confront them. No need to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. If she behaved foolishly because of love, she wouldn’t be the first.
Having made up her mind, she got up, feeling much better. Water always did wonders for her. In fact, she should soak in a hot stone bath later.
Nirvana looked up and saw Zane still standing at the bank where she last left him. He looked absolutely wrecked with his dishevelled hair, red-rimmed eyes and hunched shoulders. That idiot would probably keep staring at her until she said something.
“Could you grab me a basket?” she asked him. “The one you used for the cups earlier.”
He nodded and headed back to the yurt. She waded to the shallow waters and started picking out large and smooth pebbles. She used the bottom of her shirt to hold the ones she’d selected until a basket was thrust into her view.
“Thank you,” she said softly without looking up.
“You’re welcome,” he mumbled.
Nirvana emptied the pebbles into the basket and held Zane’s wrist instead of the basket. She pulled him along as she picked up more pebbles, keeping her hand on his wrist all the time. She kept going until she filled half the basket with stones, then led him back to the yurt.
When she reached the porch, she finally summoned her courage to look at him.
It broke her. Whatever anger she was feeling towards him just melted seeing those sorrowful, pleading eyes and tear-streaked face. His lips were quivering. She didn’t know bags under the eyes could appear within hours.
Gently, she coaxed the basket out of his hand and placed it on the ground. The bandages around his palms were stained with patches of blood. She took in a breath and guided his hands to her waist before resting her cheek on his shoulder.
His shoulder started quaking with the repressed sobs he was holding in as he crushed her into a tight embrace. If this was all just an act, he deserved an award for being a first-class actor.
“If there’s anything more I need to know, today is a good day to unload it all. No more nasty surprises after this,” she told him, feeling a little lighter after she decided to forgive him.
“I didn’t know how to tell you everything without the risk of losing you,” he croaked. “I’m really sorry for hurting you.” He hugged her even more tightly.
“I guess I can understand why you hid it from me but it still hurt.”
He broke the embrace and looked at her with so much intensity in his eyes that it sent shivers down her spine. “I had to hide my identity because of who I am. I needed help desperately, and you were the only person I knew who hated my father enough to do the crazy stuff. My fantasies of you aside, I had to remind myself of who you really are, so I made my plans according to how I would deal with a mercenary.”
She reached out to wipe the tears that rolled down his face.
“I wasn’t prepared for you, for us, to be like this,” he continued, voice cracking. “I can’t let you risk your life, especially not after last night. Today, you brought in your crew. I’ve killed enough people, Nirvana. I don’t want to cause any more people to die. I’ve messed up enough.”
“We’ll figure something out.” She raked her hand through his hair and grabbed a handful. “I will let everything go this time. You fuck with me again I will end you myself,” she warned him through gritted teeth.
He huffed and sniffed loudly. “I can’t promise I won’t piss you off in the future.” He shook his head. “But I can promise you that I won’t lie to you ever again.”
“Don’t make that promise. Everyone lies. I’m not asking you not to lie to me. Just don’t… don’t do what you did to me ever again.”
“I won’t,” he said in remorse. He pulled her in for a hug and kissed her forehead. “I’m very sorry I hurt you. I love you, Nirvana. You don’t have to feel the same, but I’m telling you because I want you to know that I didn’t lie about my feelings for you. I fell in love with the idea of you when I was younger, but after meeting you in person I fell even more.”
“Ok.” It was all she could say for now. “I don’t know much about love, but I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”
“That’s good enough for me. It’s more than I can ask for. Thank you.”
Nirvana felt like a huge load had lifted off her chest. She realized it was easier to forgive him than to stay angry.
Perhaps that’s love.
Chapter 26
Nirvana got a text from Ching, asking for a meeting with her crew. Might as well, she thought. She could confront him about why he’d lied to her.
He was already at the crew’s suite by the time they arrived. Everyone had gathered at the living room, waiting for Nirvana and Zane. The atmosphere was so tense that Zane stepped back a little when he entered. She nudged him forward, took her seat and cut to the chase.
“Why did you lie to me?” she barked at Ching. “Dax said nobody called you.”
“I had to force your hand,” he replied in a matter-of-fact way. “I knew you were lying about your relationship with Zane from the start. I’ve never asked you about your work because I understand that you’re bound by confidentiality. But this time, you brought your work to my home.”
“You know I’d never endanger you or Athar,” she said, feeling outraged. “This is my home too!”
“I can’t tell, Nirvana!” He raised his voice. “You’ve never accepted citizenship even though I’ve been offering it for the last ten years.”
“It’s just paperwork!” she yelled at him. “Didn’t I buy a home here? Didn’t I…” She caught her tongue in time before she revealed the stuff she had stolen and smuggled for Ching. How could he have forgotten that?
“I worked for you gratis for years!” she said through gritted teeth. “I didn’t just work for you, for Athar, I helped your Sima Clan in Paplash too!”
“And I am grateful for it, Nirvana,” he said in a softer tone. “I haven’t forgotten, which was why I let you in even though I knew the nature of your work.” The hardness in his eyes returned. “You need to understand that I have a responsibility to my people too.” He pointed to Zane and glared at her, “You brought in a Hayashi.”
Her jaw dropped. “How— “
“I bugged your place.”
Nirvana stared at Ching in shock. When the words finally sank in, she jumped off from her seat to throw a punch at his face, but he was prepared. He had expected her to rage at him, so he expertly deflected the blows she was raining on him. It just pissed her off more.
Everyone moved away to give them space to fight. Dax and Levi had Zane’s arms locked in theirs so that he wouldn’t interfere. Nirvana was grateful that her boys understood her. This way, she could go all out with Ching.
They toppled the couch and broke the side table. They would have broken a lot more furniture if Ching had not held Nirvana in a body lock. She struggled with him for a while more before she roared in frustration and broke down.
This time, she let herself go and cried her heart out. She had barely recovered from the shock Zane had delivered earlier.
“You violated my sanctuary,” she croaked in between her sobs.
The grappling hold he had on her turned into a hug from behind. “I was hurt and confused at first when you brought Zane in, but when I saw all the scars on his body, I grew paranoid.”
Ching had a point. Nirvana knew she had messed this up from the very start. She’d always been very careful and thorough because she knew mistakes could be costly, but for the first time in her life, she’d really screwed up.
“How much did you hear?” she asked him softly.
“I heard enough.” He lifted her in his arms and walked over to the overturned couch. “Enough to know tha
t you were led on by him too, and it wasn’t your intention to hurt me.”
She buried her face in his chest and started crying all over again. She was tired of being strong. Instead, she let herself be a wreck.
Someone flipped the couch back up and Ching sat down with Nirvana on his lap.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” she said in between sobs.
“Didn’t hurt anymore when I heard your conversations the second day.” He stroked her hair and rested his cheek on her head.
“I feel like a train wreck,” she said in a very small voice.
“Wasn’t entirely your fault. It’s not the end of the world,” he said, sounding exhausted.
Nirvana sat up and looked at Ching in surprise with her teary eyes. “Wow. You’re being positive.”
He gave her hair a small tug and bared his teeth. She smiled and slumped back into his arms.
Nirvana stayed there for a while. Someone handed her a glass of ice water which she drank before placing the cool glass over her eyes to soothe them.
The dampness on Ching’s skin indicated that she had spent enough time sitting on him. She sat up and glared at him. “Remove the bugs.”
He gave her a lazy smile. “I will.”
Suddenly, she remembered someone important. “What about Eryn?” she asked fiercely as she grabbed Ching’s collar. “Did you pretend—”
“No!” he growled and yanked her hands away. “She cannot know about this,” he warned. “We just started out, and it’s fragile. This will destroy—”
“Ok, ok, I know,” she said, feeling relieved. “My guys won’t gossip. Don’t worry.” She stood up and looked around. “Everyone’s gone into hiding anyway.”
She went to the bathroom, splashed some water to cool her face and stared into the mirror. Her eyes were pink and puffy, nose all red and lips swollen. She blew her nose to clear it, splashed more water on her face and looked at the mirror again. This time, she wore a determined look on her face.
Back to business, she commanded herself.
She grabbed a face towel to dry up and yelled, “I’m done crying. Come out!” to the people hiding in other rooms.
Chapter 27
The men came out of the rooms, all looking very casual except for Zane.
“You all knew about the bug?” Nirvana asked her crew.
“Yeah, he told us. We told him to prepare to be pulped by you.” Daxon said, using his leg to sweep some of the broken pieces on the floor aside.
“You better not have bugged this room too.” She shot Ching a look.
“No.” He answered at the same time as Ramsey.
“I checked after he told us he bugged your place,” Ramsey said.
“Anyway, since I already know about your mission, I want to offer my help,” Ching said.
“I don’t want more people involved,” Zane cut in before Nirvana could say anything.
“I have a pair of MLink.”
The room became tensely silent as all eyes were on Ching.
The MLink was designed as a telepathy device in the early 50th century by the military for warfare. It was an attempt at creating an artificial hive mind by linking the minds of a platoon of elite soldiers and their commanders. It failed drastically, turning everyone insane, and the damage they created after was catastrophic.
There were further attempts to improve on newer versions, but the test subjects suffered so much that it was declared inhumane and subsequent research banned.
“How did you get it?” Nirvana asked, frowning.
Ching narrowed his eyes. “You are not the only one with contacts.”
“Why would you buy something like that?” she asked, flabbergasted.
He shrugged. “It was on impulse. Our relationship was stagnant, so I thought maybe—”
“How would the MLink help?” Zane interrupted. “The chip is implanted on the brain stem!” He pointed to his head agitatedly. “It’s a high-risk operation, not to mention how it makes people lose their minds—”
“The researchers have improved on it and the upgraded version has been tested successfully,” Ching argued. “It works better between just two people—”
“Or so they claimed! You have no proof! How can you risk her like this?” Zane exclaimed.
Ching ignored Zane and angled his body towards Nirvana, who had been quiet all this while. “I’ve thought this through. We all know he doesn’t possess the stealth to infiltrate—”
“I’m working on it!” Zane said with a raised voice.
Ching carried on ignoring him and spoke to Nirvana, “You don’t possess the technical knowledge to extract the information but if you both share the same consciousness, you can be the brawn and he can be the brains.”
“No! This is stupid! Suppose the operation went smoothly, and the MLink worked. There will be no privacy of thoughts, and once implanted, it can’t be removed. She’ll be linked to me for life!”
Nirvana held up her hand and glared at Zane. “I don’t need you to decide for me. I’ll make my own decisions.”
“But—”
“Take him away,” Nirvana gestured to Alden, who picked Zane up like he weighed nothing and took the struggling man out of the room with ease.
“—you don’t need this! Dein only asked you to get me in! You don’t have to go in!”
Daxon followed Alden and Zane to the balcony and slid the door closed behind him, cutting off Zane’s yelling.
“I haven’t seen the layout of the stronghold but from your conversations and my imagination, the most perfect solution to this, will be Zane’s brains in your body,” Ching analyzed.
Nirvana nodded. He was right. That would be the best solution.
Ching patted her thigh. “Think about it. I’ll gift them to you.”
Nirvana raised her eyebrow.
“I’m willing to give, but if you insist on buying, I won’t argue.” He shrugged. “Think of it as payment for everything that you’ve done for me and Athar.”
Her mouth gaped open. “Then you’ll need to pay me a lot more!”
“I’ll cover all your medical expenses for this operation.”
“Still not enough!” she said indignantly.
“Are we going to start tallying now?” His eyes rounded as he looked at her crossly.
She jabbed her finger at his hard chest. “You started it.”
They glared at each other for a few moments before Nirvana leaned back into the couch and stared at the ceiling. “Zane will have to agree to it. I can’t force him to cut up his head if he doesn’t want to.”
She tilted her head to the side and caught a glimpse of Zane pacing the balcony looking furious. Alden just stood at the door wearing an impassive face while Daxon went over to Zane trying to be the peacemaker as usual.
She tilted her head back and closed her eyes. “Who did you buy it from?”
“Apparently our torrid affair was so well known that someone tried to sell it to me through my uncle.”
“Uncle Yi?” She lifted her head up to look at him. Ching’s uncle, Sima Yi, was the head of the Sima clan and one of the more prominent figures in Paplash. The Sima Clan ran a large “herbal business” in Paplash, so he would be familiar with the goods that were traded in the black market.
“Who else?” Ching gave her a wry smile. “He bought it for me, as a gift.”
“You men are always trying to control women. This is 7077AD and patriarchy still exists. When are you going to learn?” She shook her head in exasperation.
“It’s not patriarchy,” he growled in a low voice. “I just hate not knowing where you are, if you’re still alive. It’s really hard for me.”
“But we agreed—”
“Yes, we did! I was still hoping we could work out. That you could go on with your work while I stayed in Athar to do mine, but with more frequent check-ins.”
Nirvana sighed.
“It doesn’t matter now. You were never going to agree to MLink with me anyway,” he admitted
. “But do consider it for this mission.”
“I guess it’ll depend on him.” She looked towards the balcony where Zane was having an agitated discussion with Daxon. “It’s going to be very difficult to convince him.”
Chapter 28
Nirvana eyed Zane suspiciously as he walked back in from the balcony a changed man.
“I will let you decide if you want to go through with the MLink,” he said in such a calm manner that she found it difficult to believe he was so worked up a few moments ago.
“What made you change your mind so quickly?” Ching asked cynically.
Zane sat down beside Nirvana and rested his arm on the top of the couch behind her. “I get to know all your secrets, too,” he said smugly. Then, looking at Ching, he added, “Including yours and Athar’s.”
Nirvana saw a fleeting moment of panic in Ching’s eyes before he shrugged. “She doesn’t know much.”
She turned back to look at Zane. “It’s true.” She leaned in towards him and took a deep breath of that familiar smell.
Marijuana.
She snapped her head around and glared at Daxon, who quickly raised his hands in surrender.
“Besides, I’ve already told you everything I’d been keeping from you.” Zane played with Nirvana’s hair. “This will tie you to me for life. I’m not the one on the losing end here.”
She pointed a finger at Daxon, who quickly defended himself.
“I only supplied the weed. He figured everything out himself. I swear! Ask Al!”
“Wait, wait,” Ramsey interrupted. “Just in case the MLink damages your brains, I need to know where and how Zane managed to bug Marian. OW!” He rubbed his head after Levi knuckled him.
“Yes, show us,” Nirvana said, grateful for the change in topic. She needed more time to think about this MLink.
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