“Will I ever stop being scared when there is a knock at the door?” she asked.
“Yes. One day this will all be a bad memory,” I assured her.
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I will spend my life making it that way. I’ll be by your side every step.”
I kissed the top of her head and for the first time Harper broke down. Big racking sobs shook her body and she gave me her weight.
“I… I… can’t do this anymore,” she cried.
“You don’t have to. I’m gonna do it for you. All you have to do is hold on.”
12
tainted
Harper
After my breakdown yesterday, Mac cleaned me up and took me downstairs to visit with Roni while he brought in the provisions Reid had sent. I’d met Roni and her wife, Melanie, before. Both had come into Del Mar’s, sitting at the bar to visit with Ava. I had been introduced and chatted with both of them. But as usual, I didn’t connect with either. I had kept my side of the conversation superficial, only talking about the restaurant business. Melanie worked at a trendy café, Pinkcos. It was known around San Francisco for its world-class pancakes.
Yesterday was the first time I had actually taken the time to really speak to Roni. She was funny, smart, and stunning. Melanie and Roni made a beautiful couple. But more than that, they complemented each other perfectly. Roni was a little more reserved; guarded. Probably from working for Reid for so long. She saw the people that Reid investigated and she heard the stories from the men that worked for him. She was tough, and I could see how she could hold her own with the men in Reid’s office. Melanie was off-the-chain friendly. She was bubbly and seemed to live her life in the clouds under the careful watch of her wife. I loved that they had that. It kind of reminded me of Ava and Reid. Under Reid’s umbrella of protection, Ava had flourished. She was happy—all the time.
Guilt washed over me at the thought of my friend. What Ava must think of me. I had lied to her the whole time I worked for her. I had lied to everyone. The last time I saw her, the look of shock and horror on her face was heartbreaking. I wondered how much Reid had told her about my past. I missed her. JJ and Melody, too.
“What’cha thinking about?” Mac asked as he came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle, kissing the top of my shoulder.
Why had I fought this for so long? I never held back when we were in bed together. Not that I ever could. Mac wouldn’t allow it. But I’d tried my hardest to fight against his sweet. The soft touches, kisses for no other reason than to be close, the snuggling. I had liked it too much. I liked everything about him and when I was in his arms, I could forget I was Harper Russo—dead girl walking. I could close my eyes and pretend that my life was normal. That I was safe.
But this felt good. Mac behind me, his solid chest pressed close to my back. Strong arms holding me close, wrapping me up in a cocoon of protection.
“Ava,” I answered.
His body stiffened just as I knew it would. Silly man still couldn’t let the past go.
“What about her?”
“I owe her an apology. Reid, too. I have been lying to all of you. And the day Quinn came to talk to me? I not only fucked up with you, but I hurt her. I feel horrible for all the trouble I caused. She has been nothing but nice to me since I started working at Del Mar’s. I hope she’ll forgive me.”
“She’ll understand. I bet she tells you there’s nothing to forgive.”
I didn’t know about that. I didn’t think Mac understood how protective Ava was when it came to him. I’d heard the stories about all the women Mac blew through before I met him. Ava was a mama bear when it came to her friend and hated all the women that traipsed through his life. She never thought any of them were good enough for him. Especially after Mac’s ex-wife had cheated on him and left him. He never spoke of it. It was like those years didn’t exist for him. I didn’t think he was holding on to any lingering feelings. He was simply done with that chapter of his life and he’d erased it and moved on. I wish he’d find a way to do that with the guilt he carried about Ava’s kidnapping.
“Do you forgive me?” I whispered, afraid of the answer. He’d asked me to trust him but could he ever trust me again? That question had been weighing on my mind since him and Reid had found me in the motel. I wasn’t sure he’d ever trusted me in the first place, even before I’d left. Maybe he wanted to, but Mac wasn’t stupid; he knew I was keeping secrets. He didn’t need to be a detective to read through my lies. That was another reason I’d never made friends, it was too hard to keep up a façade.
Suddenly, I was spun in Mac’s arms. Now facing him, he brought his face down eye level with mine.
“As far as I’m concerned, there is nothing to forgive. You didn’t lie to be malicious. You were trying to stay alive. Hate to admit this but you were right to be cautious. Quinn taught you well. You did everything you needed to do to protect yourself. Reid gets it. Ava? She’ll understand and feel shit that she couldn’t have done more for you. No doubt she’ll cry and hover around you for a long while. I wouldn’t even try to fight her. Let her baby you, it will be easier in the long run.”
“Do you think Reid has told her anything?”
“No.”
“No? Where does she think he went the other day? Where does she think you are?”
“Baby, first, Ava doesn’t know my goings and comings. She doesn’t get my schedule and check in on me. She was also married to a cop before Reid. She knows the drill. Reid tells her a lot but shields her where he can. She knows better than to ask him questions when he’s on a case. That’s not to say he doesn’t check in, he does. He just doesn’t tell her the specifics.”
“Makes sense. I should call her.”
“Later. For now, it’s important you lie low. No phone calls. Even on the secure phone Reid dropped off. This will be over soon, I promise.”
His reminder brought me back to reality. I still had a price tag on my life. What a mess.
“I’m sorry you got sucked into my disastrous life.”
“I didn’t get sucked in. If I remember correctly, I had to fight tooth and nail to push myself in. You need to stop apologizing and understand I am exactly where I want to be. I’ll make you safe; it’s just going to take a little more time. After that, no more running, no more hiding. You’ll be able to live your life as you should, open and free. There’s no way a woman as strong and beautiful as you should be kept locked away from the world. It is a goddamned shame you’ve had to do it this long.”
“Have you always been this sweet?” I asked.
Mac startled, then threw his head back and busted up laughing. He did this for a long time, so long I was getting annoyed.
“Why are you laughing?”
“Because you’re hilarious,” he told me.
“I don’t see how.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been called sweet. Not even as a kid. I’m anything but sweet.”
“That’s not true. You’re sweet to JJ and Melody. You’re kind and protective to Ava. And I hate to burst your macho bubble, but you are sweet to me.”
“Don’t tell JJ you think I’m sweet to him. He’s an eleven-year-old boy trying his hand at learning to be a man. Melly is a princess and needs to learn at a young age that she is to be treated as such by any man she comes in contact with. You might see me as being kind to Ava, but she’d disagree. And when the time came, I failed at protecting her.” Mac shook his head as if to knock unpleasant thoughts from his mind and continued. “Pleased as fuck if you think I am sweet to you. But, baby, I can promise you my intentions are anything but. They’re crude and profane, filthy and arousing. I want to spend my nights loving every inch of you and watch you succumb to my every fantasy. And I want my days filled with the beauty only you can give me. I’m selfish, Harper. I want every part of you. I will take and take until I have it. Your body, your thoughts, your heart. I will settle for nothing less because you already own mine.”
“S
ee? Sweet.” I trembled, thinking about all the nasty, filthy things Mac had done to my body in the past and at the promise of more.
“Again, pleased you think so,” he semi-repeated.
Mac helped me finish putting away the last of the lunch dishes and disappeared into the other room to work. He had spent most of the morning in there. He had a missing person case he was working. I hated to think that my situation was taking his attention away from finding a missing woman. He didn’t give me very much information and I didn’t ask any questions. I needed to learn Mac would tell me what he could while preserving the integrity of the case.
I padded around the house getting bored. I hated sitting, still preferring to have something to occupy my mind. There was an old saying, idle hands are the devil’s playground. That was true, only the devil was my brother and his playground was my thoughts. If I sat still too long, memories crept up and threatened to choke me. It was a double-edged sword. Recalling my old life brought highs and the lowest of lows. I could still close my eyes and transport myself back to the stage and the joy I felt when I danced—sautés, jetés, cabrioles, and assemblés. But that memory always faded and morphed into the night my brother relentlessly beat me until I could no longer dance. Those memories are the ones that make me want to hide under my bed and never come out. How could someone be so cruel? Throughout the entire melee, Frankie never used a weapon. He had put his disgusting face near mine and whispered he wanted to feel my bones break under his palms. He used his fists to bloody my face, yelling at me that I would be loyal to the family. In a moment of weakness, I begged him to shoot me and put me out of my misery. He laughed and told me I wasn’t worth a bullet. That I needed to die by his hand for my traitorous desertion from the family.
At one point in my life, I was happy, but it was still laced in the ugliness of my family. The money that was used to put me through ballet conservatory was dirty. I might not have known for a hundred percent fact—but I knew enough. I still took it and allowed my father to pay for my apartment in the city. Which was not cheap. I didn’t have all the luxuries. No one would’ve ever looked at me and thought I was a rich socialite, however, I was far from hurting. Most of the girls I knew bunked three or more to an apartment. I had a studio in a trendy part of New York. I didn’t have a subway card because my father had always insisted I use cabs. They were safer, he said. After dad died and my brother took over, my bills continued to get paid and my monthly allowance had been raised. Even though I was gainfully employed by a ballet company, I still received what my brother told me was my cut of the pizzeria. The day that stupid pizzeria was ceased by the feds and closed for business was a happy day. That stupid restaurant was the beginning of the end for my family. Dirty business deals and gambling. I later learned that Frankie was also using it to pimp out his stable of girls. Disgusting, low-life pig. I could never be loyal to such a revolting organization. I wished there was a way to magically erase the word mafia from my vocabulary. I never wanted to hear it or say it again. Animals! All of them.
Mac’s phone shrilled, and he gently closed the bedroom door he had been using as a workspace.
I wanted to call Ava. I hoped that Mac was right, and she’d understand. However, I’d be happy with her yelling and screaming at me for being a lying bitch as long as in the end, she’d forgive me. I missed her; I missed working at Del Mar’s. I even missed the whistling pumpkin pie guy, Kevin. Man, he’d caught a bad deal. Everyone in San Francisco thought he was the serial killer, Simple Simon. Mac and Reid tracked him to his childhood home where he’d lived with a foster family. Mac shot Kevin, luckily not killing him, when they walked into what appeared to be a hostage situation. Kevin had recuperated, even attending Reid and Ava’s wedding. His wife, Jane, was a sweetheart. She often came to Del Mar’s with him. He always had pumpkin. She had anything but. I wondered how Suzie was making out as the new owner? Ava had only turned the keys over to Suzie days before I’d left. After a few small glitches, the sale of the café had been complete. Ava was officially a stay-at-home mom. Well, as stay at home as she wanted to be. Suzie welcomed any hours Ava wanted to give, and Reid was happy with whatever made Ava happy.
I’d never had that. Someone whose only desire was to make sure I was happy. It sounded like that’s what Mac was offering, what he wanted. And I didn’t know what to do with that. I wasn’t sure if I could trust my own feelings. I was afraid that Frankie had crushed more than my legs. What if he’d erased any goodness I had in me? What if I’d always be tainted by my past? Mac said that it didn’t matter, but he was a cop. He was good and light. I came from evil and darkness. A family of criminals.
Could I truly open my heart to him and trust him to keep it safe? Hadn’t I already done that? I loved him. But… there was always a but… I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when it dropped, could I survive the devastation it would bring?
13
swoon vs scream
Mac
My phone rang with an unknown caller. I shut the door before I picked up, not knowing where Harper was in the house.
“Mac,” I answered.
“It’s done,” Nico Tuscani announced. “Both fronts neutralized. I need a meet. Same place as last time. Eleven tonight.”
I wasn’t real fond of being summoned, especially by a mob boss, but I had made the deal and Nico had delivered. It was time to pay whatever price he set.
“I’ll be there.”
Nico didn’t respond before he disconnected.
Fuck!
I stabbed at the smooth screen on my phone, dialing Reid.
“Yo.” He picked up on the second ring.
“It’s done. We have the all clear. I’m taking Harper to my house to get her settled in.”
“I heard. Seems all sorts of scumbags are scrambling in Long Island. Word is your friend has mobilized his men to ensure a smooth transition of power. When’s your meet?”
Smart fucker. I wasn’t going to mention that to Reid. I didn’t want him involved in any dealings with the Tuscani family.
“Later. Do you need me to do anything here before we leave?”
“Nope. Lock up and I’ll send Roni around later.”
I hoped he paid the woman well since she went above and beyond normal secretarial duties. I’d even seen her clean blood out of the guys’ clothes before. None of the men that worked for Reid were married. Roni spoiled them, making sure they were taken care of.
“Thanks, brother. I’ll call you after I get settled.”
“I’ll be waiting. Just so we’re clear, you’re not going in without back-up.”
“Appreciate it, but I am. We’ve been over this. I haven’t changed my mind. I made the deal, I pay the price. And you stay clean. Hundred percent.”
“We’ll see.”
My reply was cut off when Reid disconnected. I wasn’t going to budge on this. I knew Reid would have my back and fuck me, there was no one else I’d want in my corner. However, I didn’t want him anywhere near this. He had too much to lose. The last thing I wanted was for Ava to lose another husband at the hand of a criminal. If something happened to Reid because I made a deal with a mobster, I was as good as dead. I’d never recover.
I exited the bedroom and found Harper curled up in the same recliner she had been in yesterday.
“How do you feel about blowing this taco joint?” I tried to joke. She seemed lost in her thoughts. I refrained from pushing her to tell me what was weighing so heavy on her mind. The last few days had to have been overwhelming for her.
“Can we? Is it safe?” she asked, sitting up straight.
“It is.” I debated how to start the conversation about her living arrangements.
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
Please don’t go there.
“Will you tell me?”
She went there. Fuck.
“Do you want to know? I will not lie to you.”
She did that cute face scrunch and remained sil
ent. I didn’t want to have to tell her; she already had too much shit piled on her plate. I wanted her to breathe easy and let me shoulder the burden of her brother.
“I guess it doesn’t matter. If you say I’m safe, I trust you.”
“Thank you, baby. Now, I have a favor to ask you.”
“Okay.” She was still contemplative but had relaxed some. God, I couldn’t wait for the day when she was completely at ease. No stress, no folding into herself, no guard up. Just her. Harper.
“I want you to move in with me.” I put my finger to her mouth when she went to speak. “I want you in my house. I want to know that you are there. I can’t explain why it means so much to me, but it does.”
That was a small white lie. I could explain why. I just didn’t think she was ready to hear it.
Harper waited for me to drop my hand, then spoke. “Before you shushed me with your finger, I was going to say okay.” She tried but failed to scold me in a firm tone. “I still have some stuff at the guesthouse. There’s not much. But…” She stopped and ducked her head.
With a hand under her chin, I brought her eyes back to mine. “But, what?”
“It’s not a lot and it’s not all that nice. But I’m really tired of starting over every time I move. I know it sounds silly, but I don’t want to start from scratch again. It’s stupid. Never mind. It was junk anyway. I never bought anything nice because I knew I was gonna throw it away as soon as my time was up.”
My heart did something weird at the same time my gut tightened. I was conflicted, and I told her as much.
“Baby, I want to simultaneously move all of your belongings into my house and yet, I want to throw them all away. One way, so you’re surrounded with your stuff. You never have to run again. I promise you. You’ll never have to move and only take what you can fit in a suitcase. However, I want to junk it all so you can surround yourself with nice things. Things you know you can keep. I don’t want you to remember the past. I want you only to have peace. I’m fucking torn.”
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