by Vivien Brown
‘I don’t tell you everything. Well, maybe I do, actually, but you weren’t here and it’s not the sort of thing I’m going to talk about in a letter or blurt out down the phone while you’re standing there in your hall surrounded by people I don’t know, now, is it?’ She held out her left hand, and let the small diamond catch the glint of sunlight, tilting her finger one way and then the other. ‘Yes, I was hesitant for a while, especially when we first got together. We were only fourteen then, can you believe! It’s a big step. But then, suddenly, just recently, I knew the time was right.’ She gave me a jokey wink and nudged me gently in the ribs. ‘It’s amazing what having a ring on your finger can do.’
***
Josh’s voice down the phone sent a warm glow through me. ‘Sorry I didn’t ring yesterday,’ he said. ‘Mum and Dad were celebrating their anniversary, and we all went out for a meal in the evening. Aunts and uncles, neighbours, Uncle Tom Cobley and all. It was their silver, and I’d completely forgotten about it, so I had to do a quick rush out to the shops and get a card and a present and everything. Took me all afternoon.’
‘Fifty pence.’
‘Um, no, I managed to get them something a bit more expensive than that.’
‘For saying sorry, you dumbo! Fifty pence, remember?’
‘Oh, right. Wondered what you meant then for a minute.’ He laughed, then paused. ‘But if I owe you money, Eve, I’m afraid I’m going to have to come down there and pay it. Can’t have debts building up, can we? And fifty pence is not a trifling sum …’
‘Says the future banker,’ I giggled. ‘You couldn’t even buy a cup of tea or an ice cream for that these days. Do you mean it though? About coming down here?’
‘Of course. If you’ll have me. Not that I have anywhere to stay …’
‘We’ve got a sofa. Well, we’ve got a spare room too, but it’s stuffed full of Mum’s knitting and sewing stuff, so the sofa’s probably a better bet.’
‘And do you think your parents will be okay about a strange man turning up and moving in for a while?’
I really wasn’t sure how they might react as I had never presented them with such a question, or even asked them to meet a boyfriend, before. ‘How long is a while?’
‘I thought maybe a couple of weeks? Ten days, at least. It’s a bit far to come just for the day, so I’d like to make the most of it while I can, before work starts in earnest. Thought we could maybe go out and about, and you can show me some of the sights, Big Ben, Buck House, take a boat trip on the Thames, that sort of thing.’
‘I would love that.’
‘So, you’ll ask them? Only, if I have to pay for a hostel or a B&B or something, I probably won’t be able to stay more than a night or two.’
‘Yes, I’ll ask them. Beg them. Convince them. Persuade them. Bribe them. Lock them in the attic. Whatever it takes!’
‘That keen to see me, eh?’
‘Yes. Yes, I am. It feels like forever since …’
‘Yeah, I know.’ His voice had gone quiet, serious. ‘It’s actually only been nine days, you know, but I’ve missed you. A lot.’
‘Me too.’
‘Maybe, when I’m in London, we could, you know …’
‘What?’
‘Maybe try taking things a step further? Only if you’re ready, of course.’
‘Sex, you mean?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t have put it quite so bluntly, but yes. It’s time, Eve. We’ve waited long enough, don’t you think? And now we know each other better. Trust each other.’
I took a big breath and closed my eyes, glad he couldn’t see me. ‘Yeah, maybe.’ I didn’t want to say that if we hadn’t got that far with two uni rooms at our disposal and twenty-four-hour privacy on our side, then there wasn’t much chance of us doing it with my parents breathing down our necks and me sharing a room with my sister.
There was an awkward silence, as though he was waiting for me to say something else, but eventually he just said, ‘Right. See you soon then, I hope.’
‘Yes.’
‘I love you, Eve.’
And that was when I put the phone down, because I had no idea what to say in return.
Chapter 10
SARAH
I remember looking up from a magazine when he first came into the room and just thinking, Wow!
Josh Cavendish was probably the best-looking man ever to walk through the door of our house – not that many usually did – and he was Eve’s. My boring bookish sister Eve had managed to bag herself a boyfriend to die for!
‘This is my little sister, Sarah,’ Eve was saying, throwing her bag down on an armchair and bending to pat Buster as he bounded towards her, almost knocking her over. ‘And this is Buster.’
Josh held out a hand and beamed a smile at me, and all I could do was grin like an idiot, squirm at the fact Eve had called me little, and hope my face hadn’t gone red.
‘Hi, Sarah.’ He gripped my hand and pulled it up to his lips for an elaborate kiss, his eyes twinkling with amusement. ‘Nice to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.’
‘Have you? You shouldn’t believe it, whatever it is she’s said.’
‘Oh, no, it’s all good, honest. Eve talks about you a lot. About when you were kids and everything, sharing a room, decorating the Christmas tree. All the fun stuff. I wish I had a sister I could show off about. Or a brother, but it’s just me. Anyway, I hope you don’t mind me staying, crowding your space and all that. I’ll try not to get in the way, I promise.’
The thought of coming down in the mornings to find this gorgeous man asleep, and quite possibly only partially dressed, on the sofa where I was now sitting, was something I was sure I wouldn’t mind at all. I put the magazine down and budged along, hoping Josh might sit down next to me.
‘Ooh, Josh, someone seems to have taken a liking to you,’ Eve said, and for a moment I thought she meant me, that my face had given away what I was thinking, but of course she was talking about Buster who, as soon as Josh sat down – not next to me but in Dad’s armchair – was struggling to haul himself up on to his lap.
‘Animals always know who their friends are,’ Josh said, helping the old dog up and rubbing his head. ‘And it looks like we’re going to get along just fine.’
‘Do you want a cup of tea, or something cold?’ Eve sat on the arm of the chair and patted Buster too, her fingers joining Josh’s as they worked their way over the wiry hair behind the dog’s pointy ears. ‘Mum’ll be home soon, and I know she’s planning a big welcome meal, so we’d better stick to drinks only. I won’t offer you a biscuit.’
‘Tea’s fine, thanks. And I’m not hungry. I had a sandwich on the train.’
‘Well, I’d like a biscuit,’ I said, trying to make sure I wasn’t going to be ignored. Now, or for the next ten days.
Eve looked at me and shook her head. ‘I’m not your slave, Sarah. You know where the tin is.’
And from that moment on, I knew exactly how it was going to be. Josh this, and Josh that, and me expected to just disappear into the background.
I stomped my way out to the kitchen and grabbed three of the best and most crumbly biscuits from the tin and took them upstairs, where I sat down on Eve’s bed and made sure I dropped as many crumbs as I possibly could all over her covers.
***
Tilly found herself a job that summer. It was only mornings, in a little bakery, helping out at the back of the shop with all the mixing and baking that went on at the crack of dawn and then serving in the shop when it was busy, but suddenly she was acting as if she was so grown-up, earning her own money, mixing with her new friends, and leaving me behind. The last thing I wanted to do was work unless I really had to, but I have to admit I was feeling a bit left out and more than a bit sorry for myself.
‘Are you not going out anywhere today, Love?’ Mum said, one morning over breakfast. ‘It’s looking like a lovely day out there. A shame to be stuck indoors. And, once you get your GCSE results, you may not get th
e chance quite so often.’
I knew what she meant, of course. While they’d allowed me a few weeks off to enjoy the summer, it was only a matter of time until she and Dad expected me to plan my life, make the big decision, face up to my choices. Basically, either to go back to school for another two excruciating years, or find a job. But, having looked at my diary that morning and counted back, I had a terrible feeling there could be another option looming, and it wasn’t one any of us would have chosen.
‘Why don’t you see if Tilly’s free?’ she went on, absent-mindedly buttering too many slices of toast, even though everyone else had already left the table. ‘There must be something you girls would like to do together.’
‘Tilly’s working mornings, Mum. Remember?’
‘Oh, yes, I think you did say. Well, later then, when she finishes.’
‘Yeah, maybe. But I think I’ll just sit in the garden. Read a magazine on the sun lounger, maybe try getting a tan.’
‘Up to you.’ Mum put the knife down and started digging a teaspoon into the depths of the jam pot, trying to hook the last strawberry. ‘Make sure you don’t burn though. There’s a bottle of sun cream in the bathroom.’
‘Yes, Mum.’ I raised my eyebrows and sighed. What did she think I was? Five? I think I knew how to look after myself by now. ‘Shouldn’t you be getting off to work? It’s nearly ten to nine.’
‘Oh, my! Is it really? Okay, Love.’ She stood up abruptly, still chewing on her toast, and picked up her bag. ‘I’d best be going then. Pop the plates in the sink for me, won’t you? See you later. Be good!’
If by popping the plates in the sink, Mum actually meant I should be washing them up, then I supposed I’d better get it over with straight away, before the jammy traces stuck fast. I let the water run hot and dipped my hands into the bubbles. Washing up and reading trashy magazines, my insides fluttering about with a fear I was nowhere near ready to face, while my goody-two-shoes sister, with her brains and her perfect life and her oh-so-perfect boyfriend, was out having all the fun. Why did life have to be so unfair?
Josh had settled in quickly, as though he’d been around forever. Mum liked him instantly, and Dad wasn’t far behind once they discovered a shared love of chess, a game neither Eve nor I had ever really got to grips with. He had that sort of mathematical, logical mind, I supposed, as opposed to Eve’s ridiculous passion for English and my total disinterest in just about any school subject you could choose to mention. Still, I almost wished I had some Maths homework to do, just so I could ask Josh to help me with it. How Eve had managed to attract someone like Josh I would never know. What I wouldn’t give …
I shook my head and got on with the dishes. What was the point of drooling over someone who had probably hardly noticed I existed? I only really saw him in the evenings anyway, when he was poised over the chess board with Dad, or Eve was either squashed up to him on the sofa or sitting with him at the table poring over their maps and plans. Dad made sure we girls were both upstairs in bed before Josh unfurled his blankets on the sofa every night, with a look that hinted of ‘no hanky-panky under my roof’ and Josh was always up and dressed by the time we came down again for breakfast, so I never even got a glimpse of him with his top off.
They were out early most days, Eve and Josh, off on a bus somewhere, or to visit a museum or a park, making the most of the time they had together, rucksacks piled high with Mum’s door-step sandwiches and Dad usually slipping them a few pounds to treat themselves to a drink or an ice cream. Of course, Josh would be gone soon enough, back to somewhere miles away and, once he was working nine to five, who knew when we would ever see him again? Eve would be unbearable then. I dreaded it already. But then all the attention would be on her – as usual – and not on me. I would have some time to think about what to do, at least.
***
I had forgotten just how boring sitting doing nothing could be, especially when thoughts I really didn’t want to deal with kept trying to force their way into my head. By half past one I had had enough sun and celebrity gossip and decided I might walk down to the shops and meet Tilly after all. Sometimes they let her take a few bits home. Bread rolls that had got a bit too burnt on top, doughnuts not quite round enough to put in the window. And I was hungry. Perhaps, if she emerged without the tell-tale paper bag in her hand, we could go for chips. With plenty of salt and vinegar, and the warm grease soaking through the bag. And then, maybe I would tell her …
I saw her before she saw me. She was coming out of the shop, arm in arm with Lauren James, and I stopped, a few yards along the road, and watched them. Lauren was a year older than us and not someone we had ever hung around with before, but they’d both found part-time jobs in the same shop on the same day and I had tried not to let myself get jealous as the two of them had quickly grown closer. I hadn’t realised at first just how close, but I certainly realised it now.
I had always known Tilly wasn’t particularly interested in boys, but girls? They didn’t know I’d seen them, of course. The giggling, their hips bumping along together as they walked, the smiles … and the brush of their lips, a kiss so quick I could have blinked and missed it, when they thought nobody was looking. No wonder she’d pulled a face when I’d told her about my fumbles in Paul’s bedroom.
I didn’t go after them. I just stood and waited until they disappeared around the next corner, and then I turned back. I wouldn’t say I was shocked exactly. More surprised. That she hadn’t said anything to me, when we had always shared our most secret of secrets. That she had cut me out, chosen not to tell me. Why? She didn’t trust me, I guessed. Or thought I wouldn’t understand. Or approve.
Well, whatever happened now, this would probably be the end of the kind of conversations we’d always had before. About boys, and who we fancied, and who we didn’t. Come to think of it, they always had been quite one-sided conversations. And how was I meant to tell her that I’d seen them, and that I knew? Unless I pretended I didn’t, and waited for her to say something herself. If she ever did.
My tummy rumbled noisily, and I headed for the chip shop. I fancied chips and my sister’s boyfriend, and Tilly fancied girls. Well, one particular girl, anyway. I had lost her. My best friend, and my confidante. First Eve had left me, and now Tilly. Just when I really needed someone I could talk to.
***
I could tell they’d had a row as soon as they came in through the door. Eve went straight upstairs to get changed, and after a while I could hear the bath water running, so she was clearly in no rush to come back down. Josh was polite enough when Mum asked about his day, but he had that strained look on his face that made it pretty obvious he preferred not to talk.
Dinner was awkward, although Mum and Dad seemed totally oblivious to the atmosphere, her running back and forth to the kitchen stirring things, and him just chattering on about the cricket and where the two ‘young things’ were planning on going the next day.
Eve pushed her food around her plate at dinner, and muttered something about having promised to spend the next day with Lucy, who didn’t work on Wednesdays in lieu of having to do all day on Saturdays. In lieu? What sort of talk was that? Eve was starting to sound like she had a Latin dictionary stuffed inside her head, or up her backside, since she’d gone to uni. In lieu? The only loo we usually ever talked about being in was the toilet!
‘So Josh will just have to amuse himself for once,’ she said, sounding all haughty, not looking at him at all.
‘I think I can manage that,’ he replied. ‘I’d quite like to visit the Science Museum actually, which I’m sure is not your kind of place at all.’
‘Fine,’ she said, although everything sounded far from fine to me.
‘Maybe Sarah could go with you, Josh,’ Dad said, and I was just about to protest that science was absolutely not my thing when I realised it could mean spending time alone with Josh – maybe even a whole day – and the idea suddenly seemed far more appealing. ‘I hear she’s been at a bit of a loose en
d these last few days, mooching about the garden doing nothing.’
‘I have not!’
‘Yeah, come on, Sarah.’ Josh gave me a dazzling smile. ‘You never know, you might enjoy it. It’s not all engines and molecules, you know. They’ve got a spaceship and aeroplanes and stuff about the human body … and besides, I could do with the company.’
I knew he was probably only doing it to wind Eve up, but he had asked me, publicly, to go with him, so why not?
We sat side by side on the sofa after dinner. Dad had gone out to play chess at the pub and Mum was in her sewing room, busy making some elaborate quilt blanket she’d promised for a friend’s grandson’s christening. Eve had disappeared upstairs again, looking sulky and annoyed, but Josh didn’t seem all that bothered.
I found out a lot more about him that evening as we chatted while watching TV. He talked about Leeds and his mum and dad and how sorry he was not to have any brothers or sisters of his own. ‘You can be my honorary sister,’ he joked, but the last thing I wanted was to be his sister. We sat so closely together that I could feel the warmth and solidity of his leg against mine, right through his jeans.
‘Is everything all right?’ I finally found the courage to ask. ‘With you and Eve? Only, she doesn’t seem very happy today.’
‘I don’t know.’ He sighed, turning to look at me. ‘She can be a bit … complicated, can your sister.’
‘Can she?’
‘Well, maybe that’s not the right word. More confusing. Contradictory. I don’t know, but it’s probably not something I should be talking to you about anyway. It’s … private stuff. Personal.’
‘Oh. You mean sex, don’t you?’
For a moment he looked shocked, but then he threw his head back and laughed, long and loud.
‘Sarah! You surprise me. You’re not quite the little girl I was led to believe you are. To listen to Eve, anyone would think you’re still in pigtails and playing with dolls. What can you possibly know about sex? You’re only fifteen.’