by Vivien Brown
Sarah had his home, his name, his beloved daughter. We both knew that, and none of those things were going to change. They’d talked about their problems, about the possibility of breaking up, but the crisis moment had passed. Decisions had been made, even though Sarah had not been given all the facts. So she had her marriage intact, on the face of it anyway, and I had what was left. The real unshackled Josh, the passionate Josh, who arrived out of the blue, bringing flowers and laughter, and threw me onto the bed within minutes, every single time.
I knew it wasn’t ideal. I should have wanted more, should have been angry that he couldn’t commit to me, but strangely it worked. For far longer than we could ever have imagined, our part-time love affair actually worked. When he was there, for that one afternoon, that one night, that one weekend, nothing else mattered. And when he wasn’t, I had a job I adored, a home of my own, and Simon.
Simon had met someone. A tall, dark-haired vet called Gregory. Gregory had a thin pointed face, and a nose so beak-like that somehow we had started to make ‘Gregory Peck, peck, peck’ jokes, which we both found hilarious, behind the poor man’s back. I liked Gregory though. Not that it would have made much difference to anything if I hadn’t. Simon no longer talked nostalgically about Anthony, his lost love. He had regained a certain sparkle that I had always known was missing, and I was happy for him. I just wished he could have felt the same way about Josh and me. ‘You’re better than this, Eve,’ he would say, shaking his head. ‘You shouldn’t be the mistress, the bit on the side. Married men who cheat are … well, they’re bad news. You deserve a man of your own. A chance to have children.’
As far as I was concerned, I had a man of my own and, as for children, I had classloads of them all day, every day, to satisfy any little lurking shreds of maternal instinct. I could live without having any of my own. For now, anyway. But one day, when Janey was older, maybe Josh and I would be together, properly, openly, and both of us still young enough for a baby. It was me he loved, after all. It’s what he told me and what I chose to believe. Without that it would have felt wrong, sordid, but I didn’t let it. The life he had at home was a sham, a front, and if he still had any kind of sex life with my sister at all, I would rather not know. As the years passed by so frighteningly quickly, I chose not to think about that, not to torture myself with it, and certainly never to ask.
***
It was one evening early in September when I got a call from Dad, just as I was coming in through the front door after work. There was no preamble, no ‘How are you?’, no warning. He just came right out with it. ‘Your mum’s not too good, Eve.’ There was a short silence and then, his voice cracking, he went on, ‘We’ve had a bit of bad news.’
I felt a chill run through me. ‘What kind of bad news?’
‘She found a … Oh, God, Eve, there’s no easy way to say this. She found a lump. Only small, so small she was convinced it was nothing, so she didn’t do anything about it for a while. A few weeks, you know. She didn’t even mention it to me at first.’
‘Dad, you’re scaring me now. Are you talking about a lump in her breast?’
‘Yes. Like a pea. So small. You’d never think it could … Anyway, we’ve been up to the hospital a couple of times now. You know, for tests and scans. One of those biopsy things.’
‘And …? What are you telling me? That she has cancer?’
‘I’m sorry, Love, but yes. They say they’ve caught it early, but yes. It’s cancer.’
I sat down on the bottom step in the hall and dropped my bag down beside me, waiting for my blood to stop pumping so violently through me, waiting for the sudden panic to die down. ‘And? What happens next? Does she need drugs? An operation? Please tell me she isn’t going to have to have a breast removed …’
‘Slow down, Love. It’s early days. They’re still hoping to remove just the lump part without taking the whole breast, but they can never be sure about these things. It depends if it spreads. Lymph nodes, and all that. She’s going in next Tuesday.’
I wanted to be there, to get on a train or borrow a car and go straight home, but the new term had only just started and asking for time off and getting it agreed was going to be almost impossible.
‘Oh, Dad. I don’t know what to say. Is she there? Mum? Can I speak to her?’
‘She’s having a bit of a rest, Love. A little lie down. It’s been very stressful. It’s taken it out of her, put her off her food, made her tired, a bit weepy, you know …?’
‘Of course it has!’
‘So I thought this might be a good time to call you, to tell you what’s been happening, get you up to speed, you know, while she’s not sitting here listening. Not that there’s ever a good time exactly, but you know what I mean.’
‘Thanks, Dad. For telling me. Does Sarah know?’ I usually tried not to think too much about Sarah, and on the odd occasions when we met we managed to rub along the best we could, but suddenly I felt worried for her. For what this news might do to her. She was still my little sister.
‘Not yet, Love. I thought you first, being the oldest and the more … well, capable, I suppose. Our Sarah’s more likely to take it badly, I think, and you know I don’t find it easy when there are tears. It’s hard enough stopping myself from crying at the moment, soft old bugger that I am, but I’m determined to stay strong for your mum. Last thing she needs is me falling to pieces.’
‘I’d like to talk to Mum though. When she’s awake, feeling up to it.’
‘Of course, Love. I’ll get her to ring you. But we’ll be all right, don’t you worry. No need for you to rush down here or anything like that. We both know how busy you are. I’ll keep you posted. Chin up, eh? For your mum’s sake.’ He gave a little laugh, one that wasn’t fooling either of us. ‘I’m going to leave ringing your sister until a bit later. After she’s put our Janey to bed. Not looking forward to it though, I can tell you. Wish me luck!’
I didn’t feel like doing much after a call like that. The thought of cooking, and even eating, had suddenly lost its appeal. A pile of homework in need of marking lurked in my bag. Would it really be the end of the world if I took an evening off, left it for another time? No, the end of the world would be if something happened to my mum. Cancer was a big thing, a frightening thing. And despite my dad’s bravado, I knew this was serious.
I wanted Josh. I wanted to talk to him, to have his arms around me, to spill out all my worries and my fears. Mum was sick, she had who knew what treatments ahead of her, she might even die. But Josh was miles away, living his other life, and no doubt soon to provide Sarah with the comfort and strength I so badly needed myself. No, I couldn’t have Josh, so I did the next best thing. I rang Simon.
I was still sitting on the stairs when he arrived, his regular school outfit of tracksuit and trainers making it obvious he hadn’t yet been home. Although it had barely been half an hour since I’d spoken to him, he had already managed to grab a bottle of wine, two kebabs and a giant box of tissues.
‘I’m covering all eventualities,’ he said, budging me up and squeezing down beside me. ‘You might want to drown your sorrows, eat yourself stupid, or cry your eyes out. Whichever way it goes, I’m ready. Now come here and give me a hug.’
I loved the big solid feel of Simon. I always had. He was like a huge, gentle bear, his arms encircling me as his chin came down to rest on the top of my head. The smell of the food, an inviting mix of warm meat and grease and spice, wafted from the carrier bag at his feet and my stomach rumbled.
‘Let’s eat.’
‘Comfort food, eh? And a little something to wash it down with.’ He hauled me to my feet and towards the kitchen. ‘Nothing like a full tummy to chase the blues away.’
‘Oh, Si, you really are the perfect man. Why did you have to be gay?’
‘Good job I am. Gay men make the best friends, you know. Caring, sensitive, and without all the messy sex and heartache stuff. No blurred boundaries when you’re with me!’
I let him
sit me down at the table and watched as he opened cupboards and found plates and glasses, pushed and twisted the corkscrew into the top of the bottle and poured the wine.
‘Better?’ he asked as I took a long sip and he sat down, placing two kebab-laden plates in front of us.
‘A bit. I just feel kind of numb to be honest. Like it’s not real.’
‘That’ll be the shock. It’s not easy dealing with news like that, when you were least expecting it too. It takes time to sink in. Did your dad say what her chances are?’
‘Good, I hope, because they caught it early. But even so, you hear such terrible stories, don’t you? It’s just that word. Cancer. It sends shivers through me, knowing what it can do, how devastating it can be. But being defeatist isn’t going to help her, is it? I have to be strong, and positive, or pretend to be when I’m talking to her anyway. And to my dad. He’s not as tough as he likes to make out.’
‘That’s my girl.’ He stroked my hand, neither of us having made any move yet towards eating the food in front of us. ‘And this weekend I am going to drive you down there. Oh, don’t argue. I’m due a visit home, so we can kill two birds with one stone. Oh, sorry. Bad choice of words.’
‘Don’t be daft. But, thank you, Si. I’d love to go and see them before the op, no matter what Dad says about it not being necessary. If you’re sure.’
‘Of course. I wouldn’t have offered otherwise. Now eat up. We can’t have you going all weak and fainting away, can we? Not when you’ve just promised to be strong.’
Once I’d started, I was surprised just how hungry I had been. We even raided the back of the freezer for ice lollies and ate them in front of the TV, although I couldn’t say, afterwards, what it was we had watched.
‘Thanks,’ I said, showing Simon out later. ‘That was exactly what I needed. To be fed and watered, and listened to.’
‘My specialities, Eve. A shoulder to lean on, or to cry on if you should feel the need.’
‘Oh, God, I haven’t actually cried yet, have I? Is that normal?’
‘Normal is whatever works for you. Crying will come, I’m sure. Probably when you get down there and it all becomes a lot more real. But for now, get yourself off to bed. A good sleep works wonders. I’ll see you at work tomorrow. I might even bring you a breaktime doughnut.’
‘Cure-all for everything?’
‘I wish it was, but it can’t do any harm, can it? And the perfect excuse to have one myself!’
I felt the shake of his laughter as I pulled him into a hug, then gave a final wave from the step as he walked away.
The phone was ringing behind me before I had closed the door. I was pretty sure it was either going to be Sarah or Josh. They would have heard the news by now. My hand hovered over the receiver, reluctant to pick it up. The last thing I wanted to deal with now was Sarah’s tears, and the last thing Josh would want would be to have to deal with mine.
***
Mum looked pale, but otherwise her usual self. ‘So nice to see you again, Simon,’ she said, clasping his hands in hers as soon as she’d stopped crushing me half to death in the hall. ‘And so good of you to drive Eve here.’
‘No problem, Mrs Peters.’
‘Caroline, please. Now, I know you can’t stay long, but you’ve driven straight from work, so you won’t have eaten. Do please come in and sit for a while. Have some tea, and I’ve made a cake.’
‘Then how could I possibly say no? Just for half an hour, mind, or you’ll have my mum after you. She’s probably got food lined up too!’
Within minutes of our arrival she was fussing about hanging up coats, putting the kettle on to boil and generally keeping herself busy, something it was obvious she needed to do, while Dad hovered nervously in her wake and was quickly ushered away towards the living room with the promise of an extra-large slice of Victoria sponge.
‘So, how are you really?’ I said, following Mum into the kitchen. ‘And don’t just tell me you’re fine.’
‘But I am fine. Honestly, Eve, what’s the point in fretting? I’m not in any pain. I’m in the doctors’ hands now. Decisions will be made by those far more in the know about these things than I am, so there’s nothing more I can do, is there? And if the worst comes to the worst and they tell me they have to … well, you know, remove it, all of it, then that’s what they’ll have to do. I’m no spring chicken these days. Living is my number-one priority, not hanging on to bits of my body I can just as easily do without. How I look isn’t all that important anymore. It’s not as if I’m going to be parading around in a bikini now, is it? And my breastfeeding days are long gone.’
‘Oh, Mum.’
‘Now, don’t you start blubbing. It’ll make no difference. It will be what it will be. No long faces. No tears. Just cross your fingers, and maybe say a little prayer, okay? Now, tell me, does your young man take sugar in his tea?’
‘One. And I’ve told you a hundred times, he’s not my young man.’
‘If you say so.’ She turned away to pour the water into the pot, her shoulders tense and rigid beneath her hand-knitted cardigan. ‘Sarah’s coming over in a bit, with our Janey,’ she added. ‘I knew you’d want to see her. Janey, that is. Well, no, both of them, I hope. It’s at times like this that families need to stick together, support each other. And, if anything should happen to me …’
‘Mum, nothing’s going to happen to you. You’re as strong as an ox. You’re going to outlive the lot of us.’
‘That’s as may be, but we can never be sure about these things, can we? And if things don’t … well, then I need to know that you’ve got each other. No more silly fights. Your sister is your flesh and blood, and she’ll need you.’
‘She has Josh. And Janey.’
‘Of course she does. And you have that lovely man in there.’ She pointed towards the living room where we could hear Simon in mid-conversation with Dad, talking about football and the weather and how bad the traffic had been on our way down. ‘But Sarah’s your sister. She’s been at your side all your life, and nobody can quite replace that, can they?’
All my life? We both knew that was far from true. I’d hardly seen her for years. And I didn’t really want to. Despite my feelings for Josh and constantly telling myself he had been mine first, and what she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her, there was still a little sliver of guilt I couldn’t quite shake off.
I helped Mum carry the tea through and we all sat and ate cake and avoided any further mention of our reason for coming.
‘Auntie Eve!’ Janey, now seven years old and so much bigger than I remembered her, broke the silence as she came bouncing in, like a mini whirlwind, as if from nowhere. I heard the front door close, loudly. Sarah clearly still had her key.
With Janey flinging herself at my neck and landing, laughing, in my lap, my first glimpse of my sister was through the tangled strands of Janey’s hair as it flopped across my face.
‘Hello, Eve.’
‘Sarah.’
‘Off your auntie now, Janey, please.’ She sounded stern but I could see from her puffy eyes and flushed cheeks that she had been crying again. As if she hadn’t cried enough down the phone the other night, almost starting me off too, just when I’d hoped for a good night’s sleep and a chance to get my head around things. ‘We have grown-up things we need to talk about. Go and get yourself a glass of squash from the kitchen.’
‘And can I have cake?’ Janey’s gaze had latched on to what was left of the sponge.
‘Take that last slice with you. If that’s all right with Granny. And see if you can find Smoky, okay? Maybe you can play with him upstairs. I’ll call you when we’re finished.’
‘Smoky?’ I said, puzzled.
‘He’s Granny and Granddad’s new kitten, Auntie Eve. He’s grey and white, and he’s … how old is he now, Mum?’
‘Ten weeks. Go on, off you go. There’s a good girl.’
‘I didn’t know you’d got a cat.’
‘Your mother could never
face having another dog,’ Dad said. ‘Not after losing Buster. What with us both still working. And all the walking they need, of course, and the scooping up piles of poo. But a woman at the baker’s was looking for homes. Her cat had had a litter – is that the right word? Five of the little scraps, and once your mum’d seen them it was all I could do to stop her wanting the lot! He’s a dear little thing though.’
‘But don’t kittens make piles of poo as well?’
‘Only little piles,’ Mum said, seriously. ‘And even then it’s only while he’s training, with a tray of cat litter and some newspaper in the kitchen. Once he can go outside by himself, we’ll give him a cat flap and we won’t have to worry about all of that.’
‘Until he digs up your best plants!’
‘Oh, don’t be such a spoilsport. You’ll love him when you see him.’ Mum’s face had gone all soppy. ‘Now, Sarah, Love, I have no idea why you’ve sent Janey out of the room. There’s nothing to talk about that we can’t say in front of her.’
‘I just don’t want to worry her. Illness, hospitals, cancer … well, it can all be a bit frightening, can’t it? It’s bad enough for us adults to cope with, but she’s just a kid. I’ve not told her anything about it so far.’
‘Kids pick up on things, Sarah. Me suddenly turning up out of the blue. Your puffy face. Being sent out of the room. She’ll know something’s up. She’s not stupid.’
‘I know she’s not stupid, Eve.’ Sarah glared at me. ‘That’s not what I’m talking about. I just feel I want to protect her, that’s all.’
‘Okay, girls,’ Dad cut in. ‘Enough, all right? There’s no need to tell Janey anything now, is there? Nothing much to tell at this stage, anyway. And, Eve, I know you wanted to come down and see your mum before she has the op, and we both really appreciate that, but there’s nothing to be achieved by any of us sinking into doom and gloom by talking about it. The plan is to get the op done on Tuesday and take it from there. None of us can be sure what they’ll find or what might happen next. That could be the end of it, God willing. All sorted, job done, and no need to tell the little one anything at all. We can show you the leaflets they gave us, and I’ll be taking some time off work afterwards to take care of your mum at home, but that’s it. Nothing more to say. So, while you’re both here, let’s talk about happier things, take all our minds off it, eh? Now, what do you say to going out to eat? A nice steak dinner somewhere. My treat. No hospital talk, just all of us together again, having some fun.’