by Vivien Brown
***
I was at work, rummaging in my bag for a tissue, when I felt my phone vibrating from somewhere in its depths. The bosses didn’t like us to use our phones in the office and it was expected that all personal calls would be dealt with in our own time. Still, I always kept it switched on, but on silent. I think probably all mothers do, just in case.
I peered down into my bag, dreading a call from Janey’s school to say she was sick or in trouble which would mean having to ask for time off to go and fetch her, but when I pulled the phone out the name illuminated on the screen was Carol. Also known as Colin! I felt my stomach do an involuntary flip and dropped the phone back into the bag unanswered. I hadn’t been in touch with Colin for months, ever since that afternoon in the pub. I wanted the chance to deal with my marriage in my own way. It was obvious that Colin disapproved of Josh, despite the fact he had never met him. But I was also ridiculously afraid of my own churned-up feelings. Colin was an attractive, single man who I really needed to stay away from for fear of letting myself get dragged – or, even worse, going too willingly – into something incredibly enticing but decidedly wrong.
After a while the vibrating stopped and I carried on typing up the contract I had been working on all morning. Why was it that every few minutes I made a mistake and had to double back and correct it? My mind refused to stay on the job, so I gave up and went to make myself a strong cup of coffee. I couldn’t help thinking that I should have answered his call, and wondering why he had called at all. I looked at the screen again to check if he had left a text or a voicemail, but he hadn’t.
I was beginning to think it was just a one-off, probably to wish me Happy New Year or something, until he called again, a few days later. This time he had clearly chosen a time of day – around half past two – when he knew I wouldn’t be working, Janey would be at school and Josh safely ensconced at the bank, but even though I had been at home, I still missed the call. Only by a few minutes, while I’d been in the kitchen boiling a rather noisy kettle, but this time I didn’t have a boss breathing down my neck, and therefore no excuse not to call him back.
‘Sarah!’ He sounded so glad to hear me. ‘Thanks for calling back. I didn’t know if you … well, if you were deliberately avoiding me, or just busy. Anyway, I’ve got you now. Look, could we meet up, do you think? I’d love to hear about your Christmas and just how you’re doing, really. I would have liked to send you a card or bought you a little something, but then I realised that was probably not such a great idea. Questions asked, and all that. But I wanted to talk to you. There’s … well, there’s something I need to tell you.’
‘Oh. Sounds serious. Can’t you just tell me now, on the phone?’
‘You’re not keen to see me then?’
‘I didn’t say that. Of course I am! Oh, go on then. It will be good to catch up. When and where?’
‘Same pub as last time? Tomorrow lunchtime? Around one thirty? My treat.’
I sat holding the phone for ages once he’d gone. I liked Colin Grant, probably a little too much, and the butterflies were already fluttering away inside me at the thought of seeing him again. I hoped he wasn’t about to tell me he had landed some hot-shot job at a hospital miles away and that I was never going to see him again, or that he had met someone and was about to get engaged or, worse still, married. I knew I had no claim on him, no right to a say in his future, but I wasn’t quite ready to lose him.
***
When I got to the pub he was already there at the bar, a bottle of wine and two glasses in front of him and a menu tucked under his arm as he tried to pick everything up and head for somewhere to sit.
‘Here, let me help you with those.’
He turned and smiled at me, letting me slide the menu out from the grip of his arm and pick up the bottle as he leaned in for a kiss on the cheek.
I tilted the bottle and read the label, feeling myself blushing at his touch. ‘Hmm, Merlot. A good choice.’ I turned my back quickly, leading the way across the pub to a free table. ‘How is it that you know me so well?’
‘Lucky guess,’ he said, putting the glasses down and ushering me into a corner seat. ‘And a good memory. It’s what you asked for last time.’
I laughed and we settled ourselves down, side by side.
‘Good Christmas?’ he said, staring at me as if he expected me to tell him it was dire.
‘Okay, I suppose. The usual family stuff.’
‘And the other-woman problem? Your sister? Did you resolve it?’
‘Yes and no. I went to see her, told her what I knew, and she didn’t deny any of it. We had a blazing row, in front of Dad, which wasn’t ideal, but I don’t think she’ll go near Josh again. So, it was all a bit upsetting but I survived. Still here, still married …’
‘And your husband? What did he have to say about it all?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Nothing?’
‘I haven’t spoken to him about it.’ I knew it sounded stupid, and Colin’s face told me he thought so too. ‘Didn’t mention any of it. According to Eve, it’s been over for a good while now, and I decided to let it lie. I didn’t want to start a war I might not win, risk my marriage, upset Janey, put her in the firing line …’
‘So he got away with it? You let him off scot-free? What on earth is wrong with you, girl? Are you a glutton for punishment, or what?’
‘I knew you’d have a go at me. That’s why I’ve kept my distance. Look, Colin, it’s my marriage, my life, and I know you mean well but …’
‘But it’s all sorted, right? He’s going to be a good boy for evermore, never do anything like it again? For God’s sake, Sarah, you’ve as good as given him bloody permission. You blame it all on your sister, tear a strip off her, yet say absolutely nothing to him. The man can get away with anything and you don’t just put up with it, you decide not to even tell him you know.’
‘But—’
‘There is no but, Sarah. No possible circumstance where this can be considered right, which is why I’m going to tell you something I’ve known for a couple of weeks. I wasn’t sure if I should say anything, but honestly, your head-in-the-sand attitude gives me no bloody choice. You need to know what he’s really like, what he’s capable of.’
I could feel my face drain of colour, my hand start to shake. Whatever it was, I didn’t want to hear it.
‘I saw him, Sarah. I saw him, at a hotel, just before Christmas. One of those huge places where they have all the corporate parties. The Georgian. I was there for a hospital-staff do, sitting at the bar in the lobby, getting a bit of air away from the party, waiting to get served, and I saw him. I wasn’t a hundred per cent sure at first. I’ve only ever seen him in a few photos on your phone, but I followed him – them – up the stairs. He had his arms around this woman, his hand resting on her bum. They were laughing, staggering a bit, probably tipsy, and he took out a key and led her into one of the bedrooms. Room 112, not that that’s particularly relevant, but it does mean you could probably ring and check, if you needed to. I waited a while, but they didn’t come back out. And when I went back downstairs I checked the board by the door, and there it was. The bank, his bank, booked into the Embassy Room, while my lot were in the Carlton Room on the other side of the hotel. So it was him, Sarah. No doubt. And I bet he didn’t come home that night, did he?’
I shook my head and swallowed the lump forcing its way up my throat, threatening to escape in a sob. I didn’t know what to say. Would he really do it again? Cheat on me? Lie to me?
‘And the woman? What did she look like? Did you hear what he called her? Could it have been her? My sister? I called her that night and she was at home, but that was around nine. I assume this was later? Was it her, do you think?’
‘I have no idea, Sarah. I didn’t get a close look at her, and I wasn’t looking at my watch either, but does it matter? When it was, or who it was? He was taking a woman to bed, and it wasn’t you.’ He took hold of my hand. ‘I’m sorry. That s
ounded much harsher than I intended. But you needed to know. How can you decide what to do if you don’t have the facts?’
‘Do?’
‘Yes. You have to do something. This time you really have to. If you don’t, he’s going to walk all over you forever. And you deserve so much better.’
And then he turned my face towards him, gazed at me for a few seconds, and kissed me. Very gently, very slowly, he kissed me on the lips, and his mouth was warm and tasted of everything that Josh’s didn’t. Of caring and comfort, and love.
Chapter 25
EVE
The Christening went like a dream. Lucy and Rob had called the baby Nathaniel, although he had very quickly become Nat to everyone but me as I somehow couldn’t quite shake off thinking of him, as I had all through Lucy’s pregnancy, as Horace.
Despite my lack of knowledge of church etiquette, I managed to stand in the right place, repeat the right words, and even hold the baby for a while without dropping him headfirst into the font. The set of Beatrix Potter books I had chosen as his gift were already in pride of place in the brand-new white bookcase in his nursery as I helped Lucy change him out of his posh and rather girly lacy gown and back into his more usual T-shirt and dungarees while Rob held the fort downstairs, refilling glasses and passing round the sausage rolls.
‘So? What’s happening with you? We haven’t seen you since Boxing Day.’
‘Not a lot really. New school term, so I’m pretty busy at work. Did I tell you I saw Arnie O’Connor? Gave me a bit of a fright but I may have to get used to it. I looked up the files in the admin office and it looks like he’s got two kids at the school, a girl called Rebecca in Janey’s year, and a boy, Samuel, three years older. And he lives just a few streets away from my new place, which could be awkward. He’s the last person I want to bump into at the corner shop.’
‘Would he recognise you, do you think?
‘Well I recognised him the moment I saw him, so yes, probably. I haven’t changed that much since school, have I?’
‘Nope. He may still live locally, but what happened is all in the past now, isn’t it? Best forgotten. Just keep out of his way. And if he’s got kids, and presumably a wife, we can assume he’s mended his ways.’
‘I’m not sure he has got a wife actually. She’s down at a different address. Separated, or divorced, but definitely living apart. Shared custody, from what I can gather. And keeping out of his way might not be possible. He’s a parent and I’m the deputy head. There’s bound to come a time when our paths cross, officially I mean, and I won’t be able to avoid it.’
‘Meet him head-on then. Seek him out, talk to him, clear the air, then it won’t be hanging over you, waiting to happen. Take control. Get this thing over with, on your terms, not his.’
‘Do you think I should?’
‘Of course I do. You’re not some frightened teenager anymore, Eve. You’re a strong independent woman, and he’s no match for you, believe me. Stand up to him, like you’d tell any of the kids to if they were being bullied.’
‘Bullied? I’m not sure that’s—’
‘That’s exactly what it is. The man scared you half a bloody lifetime ago and he’s still scaring you now. Don’t let him!’
‘You’re right.’
‘Of course I am. I’m always right. Just you ask my Rob! Who, by the way, we have left alone down there for long enough.’ She wiggled Nathaniel’s feet into a pair of Thomas slippers and hugged him to her. ‘Let’s get this young man back to his party, and get ourselves a slice of cake before it’s all gone. They’re like gannets, Rob’s family. Not to mention the champers. We only bought three bottles and I’ve heard two corks go pop already.’
***
I was feeling all warm and fuzzy when I left. Not drunk. Far from it, as I was driving myself home. But there was something about being with friends and becoming a fairy godmother, as Lucy insisted on calling me, and being all fired up to tackle Arnie O’Connor, that had put me in a happy, mellow mood. I had a good job, a nice home of my own, and for once, the future was actually looking good. Hopeful. Full of promise.
It was quite mild for January, and I drove slowly, with the window half open and the radio turned up high, singing along with the songs, even when I only knew a handful of the words. I thought I might drop in to see Dad, see how he was, have a cuppa and tell him how the christening went. It was a Sunday and I knew it was possible that Sarah and Josh might be there, but we’d got through Christmas okay, so I felt the storm had passed now and being in the same room was possible again. If there was going to be fallout it would have happened by now. Besides, Janey might be there too, and I always loved seeing her.
The curtains were still open and, as I parked outside, I could see straight in. Dad, the back of his head just showing above the top of his armchair, the TV flickering away on the wall, Smoky the cat perched on the windowsill staring out at me, his big green eyes shining like beady little emeralds in the semi-darkness. No sign of anyone else, which was probably for the best when I really thought about it.
Dad took his time coming to the door. Although Sarah had no qualms about using her key, I still preferred to knock.
‘Come in, Eve, my love. Such a nice surprise. I was just watching one of those old films you used to love. Do you remember? Sunday afternoons there’d always be something on when you were kids, and we’d all sit together and watch it with a bag of sweets or a nice cake to munch on. John Wayne or James Bond, or something romantic that would get you girls sobbing into your sleeves.’ He headed for the remote control on the arm of his chair and was about to push the off button.
‘Well, don’t switch it off on my account. We can do that now, can’t we? Watch it together with a cup of tea and something to eat. Look, I brought some christening cake back from Lucy’s. I couldn’t eat any after all the sandwiches and sausage rolls, so I sneaked a big chunk of it into a bit of tinfoil for later, but it’s too much just for me, so we might as well share.’
‘Sounds lovely. I’ll put the kettle on.’
‘No, no, you get back to your film. I’ll do it.’
He settled back into his chair and I closed the curtains around the cat, who didn’t look like budging from the windowsill, and went out into the kitchen.
It was funny, but everything was still exactly where it had always been. Since we’d lost Mum he hadn’t changed anything. Even Mum’s favourite cup still hung alongside the others on the old wooden mug tree and when I peered behind the door there was her apron, still hanging there as if she was going to slip it on over her head and start baking at any minute. The room was clean, but it could do with a lick of paint, maybe some new blinds, but I got the feeling Dad would be reluctant to change anything. This had been Mum’s domain, and he wasn’t yet at the stage where he thought of it, or the rest of the house, as his to do what he liked with. They had always made decisions together and, now they couldn’t, it was easier to make no decisions at all.
‘So, what’s the film about, Dad?’ I handed him his tea and pulled out the smallest of the coffee tables from their nest of three so we had a place to put the cake plates down. ‘Tell me what’s happened so far.’
‘Well, this girl here – the one with the dark hair – she was engaged to this fella. Bill, his name was. But now she’s met this other one – Anthony, he’s called – and she’s fallen for him, but she doesn’t know how to tell Bill, or her parents, because they’ve already spent a fortune on the wedding and it’s in three days’ time.’
‘Oh dear. Tricky!’
‘Anthony hasn’t actually declared himself, or asked her to call the whole thing off, but you can see he’s mad about her, just trying to do the decent thing, not steal someone else’s girl, you know … but she can’t go through with it, the whole big white wedding thing, whatever this Anthony says or doesn’t say, because she’s realised Bill’s not the man for her.’
I bit into my cake, my gaze fixed to the screen. It all sounded familiar. In fact, I h
ad a feeling I’d seen the film before but, even if I hadn’t, it was a sure bet that the girl would dump the boring fiancé she had never really loved enough and run off with the man of her dreams. That’s what romances were all about, providing the happy ending you already knew was coming before the film had hardly begun.
‘Since when have you been into rom-coms, Dad? Isn’t there a good Western on one of the other channels you’d rather see?’
‘Nothing wrong with a bit of love from time to time, Eve. Beats people shooting each other and chasing Indians about. And I can get soppy, I’ll have you know, when the occasion demands. Besides, I’m particularly enjoying this one. It reminds me of something, a long time ago, when your mother and I …’ He stopped and shook his head, then reached for his tea and took a long slurp.
‘Go on. You can’t stop there. I’m intrigued now. What are you saying? That you stole Mum from another man and ran off together into the sunset?’
I was about to laugh at my own joke when I saw him nod his head.
‘Yes, actually. Oh, I know you’d find it hard to imagine, but we did fall head over heels, your mother and me, almost as soon as we met.’
‘In the queue for a bus, right? Isn’t that what you told us? A cold, wet night, and the bus was running late, and you offered to share your umbrella.’
‘That’s right. But there was a part of the story we didn’t tell you about. Well, a person, actually. Someone we hurt, quite badly, but when you feel the way we did …’
‘What are you saying, Dad?’ Somehow, neither of us was watching the film anymore. ‘That she was already with someone else?’
‘She was, yes. Not just with him, but engaged to be married to him. Sean Barker, his name was. Nice enough bloke, but not right for her.’