by Vivien Brown
She couldn’t look me in the eyes. No words came out. She just nodded her head, very slightly, and burst into tears.
‘Are you sure?’ I suddenly felt like crying myself. This couldn’t be happening. Not to my baby girl. ‘You’ve done a test?’
She nodded again, leaning into me as if she was hoping I would cuddle her up, wave a magic wand and miraculously make everything all right.
‘And does anyone else know?’ I have no idea why that should matter, but it did. I wanted her to come to me first, to talk to me first, about anything, everything, especially something as big as this. ‘Your dad?’
‘No!’ She sat bolt upright and shook her head. ‘I don’t want Dad to know. He’ll hate me.’
‘He could never hate you.’ I pulled her back towards me, feeling her small body shaking against mine. ‘But, as for the boy, whoever he is, I don’t think Dad will be too pleased with him.’
‘Don’t tell him. Please. Can’t we just … not tell Dad at all?’
I couldn’t think straight. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Janey. He has to know.’ We sat in silence as I waited for my thumping heart to return to some semblance of normal. I had been here before. Me a teenager. Me thinking I might be pregnant. Me being way too scared to tell anybody. And now it was happening all over again, but at least Janey had taken that first step and confided in me. Everything felt unreal, as if I was watching the scene play out in a film and not here in my own home. ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to say or what to do right now. It will be okay though. We’ll sort this out somehow, I promise. But just give me a few minutes to think, eh?’
I left her half sitting, half lying on her bed, and went downstairs. There was a half-empty bottle of gin in the cabinet. Not something I would ever normally drink, and left over from when Josh’s parents had last been down, but I needed a drink and it was the only alcohol in the house, so it would have to do.
Two large glasses later, I went back upstairs. Facts. I needed facts. My feelings of panic and shock had to be pushed aside if I was to be of any real help to my daughter. ‘Right. Tell me everything. How far gone do you think you are? Who was it that got you in this condition? And what do you want to do about it? In any order you like, but we’re not leaving this room until you give me answers.’ Oh my God, I sounded so heartless, so bloody practical, but it was either that or crumple in a heap, and how was that going to help?
She didn’t tell me, of course. Well, the two months gone part was easy enough, as my quick mental calculations led me straight back to that night when she’d lied about being with her dad. Where had she really been? But the rest just drew a blank. She wasn’t going to tell me who the father was, and as for any kind of plan, she clearly didn’t have one. It was going to have to be up to me to decide what to do or at least to present her with options, none of which were going to be easy.
‘This happened to you, didn’t it?’ she said. ‘But you lost the baby. My big brother or sister. I heard Gran and Granddad once, talking about it. How being pregnant so young had ruined your chances, made you marry Dad.’
‘Well, you shouldn’t have been listening. It wasn’t like that. I was older. Sixteen. I’m not sure I had any real chances to ruin back then. And I loved your dad. Nobody made me do anything I didn’t want to.’
‘And how do you know I don’t love my baby’s dad too?’
‘Oh, Janey. You’re fourteen. You don’t know anything about life or being in love. You’re hardly more than a baby yourself.’
‘See? That’s what grown-ups always say. That we’re too young to know what we’re doing, or what we’re feeling. We’re only kids, and kids know nothing. If you and dad hadn’t split up …’
‘So, you’re saying it’s our fault? We sent you off the rails, did we? When all we’ve tried to do, both of us, is protect you, make the whole separation thing as easy for you as we could, show you how much we both love you …’
‘It wasn’t enough, Mum.’ She was crying again, letting slow tears roll down her face unchecked. ‘Nothing’s felt the same since Dad left. We don’t feel like a proper family anymore.’
‘And this boyfriend of yours, whoever he is, filled the gap your dad left in your life, did he? By pushing himself inside you and making a baby you’re not ready, or able, or mature enough, to look after?’
‘It wasn’t like that. He … he made me feel special. And he will help me and stand by me. I know he will.’
‘Have you told him?’
‘Not yet.’
‘But you want to? You really think he’ll want to be a father, do you? Clap his hands with joy and rush you down to Mothercare to choose a pram?’
‘He might.’
‘And he might just as likely turn his back on you, pretend it’s not his, want nothing to do with it. And you’re underage. The police might have to get involved, but they probably won’t even prosecute him, if he’s a kid himself, so what is that going to achieve? Just more upset. No, I am beginning to think the best thing you can do is not tell him. Not tell anyone. We can find a clinic, say you’ve got a tummy bug for a few days, then have you back at school in no time. All done, put behind you, forgotten. Nobody else need ever know.’
‘No.’
‘What do you mean, no?’
‘I don’t want to get rid of it. I want to keep it.’
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, Janey, be realistic. Who do you think will end up looking after it? Getting up in the night, changing nappies, making up bottles, while you’re at school? Me, that’s who. And I don’t want that. Not at this point in my life. I’ve only just found my freedom, got my own life back. It’ll need eighteen years of time and attention. It’s a baby, not a bloody doll!’
‘Well, I’m not having an abortion, and you can’t make me.’
‘Then let’s go and see what your precious father has to say, shall we? Because I can’t cope with this. Not now. Not on my own.’
***
Eve flew out of the door like a bat out of hell. A bat in a hurry, with her blouse half undone. She didn’t stop, didn’t speak, just pushed past us and ran off down the road, climbing into her car which was parked a few yards away, not all that far from mine. I don’t know why I hadn’t spotted it when I’d parked. Having my mind on other more important things, I supposed. But suddenly this was important too. What was Eve doing at Josh’s? And why was she leaving in such a hurry? There could only be one explanation. They were seeing each other again. Sleeping together again, despite all her worthless assurances, and she’d seen us through the window and was trying to get out unseen before we arrived. I couldn’t imagine any other reason why she’d be in such a rush, so obviously upset, partially undressed, and so unwilling to stop and say hello once she’d been rumbled.
Josh opened the door before we’d rung the bell and looked, momentarily, surprised to see us.
‘Expecting someone else, Josh?’ I said, sarcastically. ‘I think the person you’re looking for may have just driven away.’ I was aware of Janey, looking up at the two of us, clearly confused.
‘Why was Auntie Eve in there? She was supposed to wait … She’s told you, hasn’t she?’
‘Told me what?’ Josh was looking down the road at Eve’s retreating car, not properly listening, but I was.
‘Told him …? Oh no, she knows, doesn’t she?’ It shouldn’t really matter but suddenly it did. It really did. I grabbed Janey by the shoulders and turned her to face me. ‘You told Eve before me?’
‘What the hell’s going on here?’ Josh pulled us apart and beckoned us in. ‘Come inside, both of you, before the neighbours come out and start taking bloody pictures.’
I’d had enough. Not only had Eve thrown herself at my husband – again – but my own daughter had decided to confide in her. This huge secret that was weighing me down like a lead block, wasn’t a secret at all. Bloody Auntie Eve had got there before me. Was there nothing my sister wouldn’t take from me?
I rushed in and went straight to the bedroom. The covers were
rumpled, there were two wine glasses, and the undeniable smell of her perfume …
‘How could you?’ He and Janey had followed me up the stairs and were standing right behind me. My hand flew up and swiped angrily across Josh’s face. If he hadn’t turned away as quickly as he did, I would have had his eye out.
‘How could I what? You come in here, shouting like a mad woman, chucking your fists about. That’s domestic violence, you know. I could have the law on you for that. In front of Janey too.’ He turned his attention to his daughter then, standing stock still in the doorway, her face even paler than it had been earlier, and lowered his voice. ‘Sorry, Janey. But what is it Eve’s meant to have told me? And why are you raiding my bedroom? What are you here for anyway?’ He had one hand on Janey’s shoulder but he was still close enough for me to hit him again if I chose to. ‘Hang on, Sarah, have you been drinking? I can smell it on you. You have! Did you drive here? With our daughter in the car? For fuck’s sake, what were you thinking? You could have killed someone.’
‘Well, I didn’t, but I’m seriously considering it now. I just can’t decide whether to kill you first, or my treacherous, lying sister.’
‘Hang on! You think that Eve and me … No, no, you’ve got it all wrong. We didn’t—’
‘As if I’m going to believe that. All the evidence is staring me right in the face. Which brings me to why we’re here. Something else I should have spotted sooner, but didn’t. What sort of a mother does that make me, eh? Well, it’s your problem now, Josh. You’re the perfect parent, the chosen one, so you sort it out. I’m going.’
‘No, Mum. Don’t!’ Janey pleaded.
‘I don’t know what’s going on here, but whatever it is I’m not letting you drive.’ He snatched at my bag and pulled out my car keys, stuffing them in his trouser pocket.
‘Suit yourself. I’ll walk.’ And I strode out, head high, making sure I slammed the front door even louder than Eve had. By the time I got to Dad’s, half an hour later, and after dashing straight to his toilet to empty my gin-fuelled fit-to-burst bladder, I found I had just about calmed down enough to tell him everything without bursting into tears.
***
Josh came after me later. Of course he did. Janey had somehow found the words to tell him she was pregnant and there was no way he was going to let that lie without storming into Dad’s and demanding answers.
‘How did you know where I was?’
‘Where else would you be? You weren’t at home. I’ve dropped Janey off there, with strict instructions she’s not to go out or to go anywhere near this boy, whoever he is, until we get back. And I was pretty damn sure you wouldn’t have gone within a mile of Eve, unless you really do intend to kill her. So you had to be here. You can’t hide away from this, Sarah. Our girl’s in trouble and we need to talk about it. All three of us. Now!’
I could feel Dad hovering, knew how much he wanted to help, but that he couldn’t. This wasn’t something we could resolve over a pot of tea.
‘Did you come in your car, or mine?’
‘Yours. I figured you wouldn’t be up to coming back to collect it from my place. Come on, let’s go. I can get back home on the bus later or call a taxi, but I think we need to talk, don’t you?’
I pecked Dad on the cheek, followed Josh out to my car and climbed in the passenger side. He was right, I had been drinking, and this wasn’t the time to argue about that.
‘Who is he? Do you know?’ Josh turned on me as soon as we were out of sight of the house.
‘I don’t know. I did wonder if it might be that boy Samuel, her friend Becky’s brother. She’s spent a lot of time there lately, and he’s been driving her home, but she’s hardly mentioned him otherwise, so I might be way off the mark.’
‘Well, she wouldn’t, would she? Mention him. Not if she didn’t want us to know about him, the little oik. I’ll twist his bloody bollocks off if he’s been anywhere near her.’
‘Bit late for that. The deed’s been done.’
‘Too right it has. And where were you when this was going on? I thought when I left her with you that you’d look after her. Properly.’
‘Left her with me? You make her sound like a package. She’s my daughter. She belongs with me.’
‘And some role model you were. Like mother, like daughter, that’s what I say.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘You know exactly what I mean.’
‘Pregnant in my teens? Well, that took two, Josh. I didn’t do it by myself.’
‘No, you didn’t. But it should have taught you something, shouldn’t it?’ He was yelling again, his hands tight on the steering wheel. ‘God, if I could go back, I wouldn’t do the same again, I can tell you. I rue the day I ever looked at you, let alone got you up the duff. How different my life could have been.’
‘You could have married Eve instead.’ I almost spat the words at him. ‘And lived happily ever after.’
‘Yes. Yes, I could, and I wish I had.’
‘Well, you didn’t have to stay with me. Nobody forced you.’
‘The baby, Sarah. I stayed for the baby we’d stupidly made together, the one you couldn’t even hang onto, after everything—’
‘The baby wasn’t yours, Josh.’ I don’t know why I said it. Or spat it, more like. All I wanted right then was to hurt him.
He turned to face me, the whites of his eyes bulging. ‘What?’
‘Did you think you were the only one, Josh? My first? My one true love. Huh! Don’t make me laugh!’
‘Laugh? You tell me something like that and you think it’s funny?’
‘It wasn’t yours. I was already pregnant when you came along. Oh, not by much, but—’
‘No!’
‘Yes! Did I ever actually tell you it was yours? Think about it, Josh. I was just a schoolgirl – an innocent young thing – caught in bed with her sister’s boyfriend. Someone old enough to know what he was doing. Old enough to know better. Of course everyone assumed it was yours. Even you did. No question. No doubt. You were cast in the role of seducer and I didn’t correct that. Why should I? Oh, I fancied you all right, like crazy, but you were also my very convenient way out.’
‘How could you do that? Make me believe … My God, you really are one cruel heartless bitch, aren’t you?’
‘If you say so.’
‘So who was this other bloke then? The one who got away scot-free and left me to face the bloody music? No, don’t tell me. I really don’t think I want to know.’
There was a long silence before he said anything else. I could see his hands clenched white on the wheel, a little twitch in his neck, his jaw grinding as if he was trying to stay in control, biting back the words. ‘And Janey? Please tell me that she’s mine.’
‘She might be.’ I was enjoying watching him squirm.
‘What do you mean, might be?’ He was yelling now, his head turned towards me, his eyes all screwed up in anger. ‘You know bloody well that I love that little girl with all my heart. So is she mine, or isn’t she?’
I didn’t see the lorry coming. Not until it hit us. Hard. Head-on, sending the car skidding across the carriageway and spinning onto its side. I don’t think Josh saw it either. He was too busy shouting at me to concentrate on the road. Or to hear my answer.
Chapter 31
EVE
When Dad called me that Sunday evening, I couldn’t take in what he was saying. He was crying, something he never did, or at least not like this. A terrible accident. Sarah injured, taken to hospital. He was going there now, not knowing quite what to expect, picking up Janey on the way. No, Janey hadn’t been in the car. And Josh, he wasn’t sure. Not next of kin, so they hadn’t told him, wouldn’t tell him, but he’d been there too, in the crash, and it didn’t sound good.
I should have been worried about my sister, been scared for her and for Janey, but all I could focus on was Josh. I should go there, to the hospital, sit in one of those little relatives’ rooms, wait for ne
ws, but Dad told me not to. ‘She wouldn’t want you there, Eve,’ he said. ‘Not after what you’ve done.’ And I knew he meant it, and so did she. She had caught me at Josh’s flat, running away, my clothes undone, and of course she had told Dad. She always did. What were they meant to believe? But how could I explain, how could I tell my sister I was not trying to steal her husband, when given half a chance I knew that was exactly what I would have done?
I hated Josh, yet I loved Josh. I was angry with him, yet I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Whatever he had done, or whoever he had done it with, didn’t seem to matter anymore. I just wanted him to be all right. And Sarah to be all right too. Why had they been together in the car? Why had Janey not been with them? The questions flooded in, but there was no one to give me answers. I wished with all my heart that we could all just go back a day, a year, twenty years, and that everything could have been different. But that could never happen. Life didn’t throw those kinds of second chances around. There was no magic wand, and this was all too frighteningly real.
When Dad rang back, hours later, his words sliced through me like a hot knife through butter. Josh was dead. Josh. My Josh was dead. Dad told me about Sarah too, although I was finding it hard to listen or to understand. My breathing was ragged, my heart pounding. I thought I might be about to faint. Josh was dead. ‘She’s ruptured her spleen, and she’s covered in cuts and grazes,’ Dad was saying. ‘And she sprained her ankle, badly, crawling out from the wreckage, but the most worrying thing is her hands. The car burst into flames, Eve.’
Flames? Had Josh been burned too? Had he got out? Died there, or in the ambulance, or later on a hospital trolley? Had he known where he was? Had he been conscious? Afraid? In pain?
‘They say she tried to wrestle with the driver’s door, tried to get him out, but the heat was too much. It beat her back.’ Dad made her sound like a heroine, a brave woman desperate to save her husband. The husband she had already thrown out, didn’t want anymore, didn’t love …
Dad didn’t call again. This time he was definitely taking sides. I could hear it in the coldness of his voice, giving me the facts but no love, no comfort. His priority now was Sarah, he said. And Janey. Not me.