by Helen Lacey
She knew her grandmother was right.
But the idea still scared her to pieces. She had no idea what Jake’s reaction would be. Anger? Disbelief? Or worse...indifference? What if he wanted nothing to do with T.J.? She hoped, deep in her heart, that there was a middle road, some way of Jake knowing the truth without the revelation having any negative impact on T.J.’s life.
Or on mine.
She got to her feet, pulled her cell phone from her bag and called the hotel.
Seconds later she was put through to Jake’s room.
“It’s Abby.”
He was silent for a moment and her knees trembled.
“I’m surprised to hear from you.”
Abby took a long breath. “We need to talk, Jake. Can you meet me somewhere?”
She was sure she heard him hesitate. “Ah...sure.”
“The Loose Moose, seven o’clock,” she said quickly, before she lost her nerve, and then ended the call before she could change her mind.
Chapter Three
Jake had no idea why Abby had done a complete 180.
Only a few hours earlier, she’d regarded him with a kind of wariness that made her opinion abundantly clear—they really had nothing to say to one another.
But as he walked into the Loose Moose, a tavern a few blocks from O’Sullivan’s, Jake knew the conversation was far from over. He looked around, scanning the room and patrons. The place had undergone a complete restoration a couple of years back, after a fire had nearly destroyed it. Jake knew the new owner, former army vet Brant Parker. They’d gone to school together, although the other man was a year or so older, and had bumped into each other occasionally over the years. And he remembered that Brant’s wife, Lucy, was a friend of Tess’s. The tavern was well appointed and family friendly and busy, as expected, for a Saturday evening.
Jake spotted Abby immediately, sitting alone in a booth in the corner, her hands twisting together nervously. Her hair was down and she wore jeans and a long-sleeve shirt and faux fur jacket. He experienced an odd tightening in his chest as he approached her. There was such a great divide between them, a wall built from years of words said, of words unsaid and the guilt of seeking comfort with one another when they had been at their lowest ebb. Jake wasn’t a fool—he knew exactly what had happened that afternoon so many years ago. And he knew he was equally to blame for all of it.
He’d turned up at Abby’s house to say goodbye, to let her know he was heading back to his post in Iraq. But he wanted to check up on her, to ensure she was okay. He’d expected to find her crying. But she’d been unwaveringly stoic when she answered the door and ushered him inside. He remembered her unhappiness, her vulnerability, the quaver in her voice as they sat and talked. And then, like in a dream, they were kissing. Softly, at first, more for comfort and reassurance, and then things changed and they were both swept up in a passion that still had the power to knock him to his knees. Afterward, there had been regret and recrimination. From both of them.
As he approached the table, she looked up. She wasn’t smiling, and Jake was sure he saw uncertainty in her expression. Of course, things were always going to be uncomfortable between them until they sorted through their past. And Jake knew he needed to make amends to the woman who had been his best friend’s wife. And the girl he had once cared about.
“Hello,” he said quietly and slid into the booth. “It’s good to see you again.”
“Hi, Jake.”
A waitress approached to take their order, and he waited while she requested a club soda. He did the same.
Once the waitress left, Jake spoke again. “I was surprised you called.”
She took a long breath. “I thought we should talk.”
He nodded. “Me, too. I don’t want us to have all this unresolved tension between us, Abby.”
“Then what do you want?” she asked calmly. “Why does it matter if there’s tension?”
Jake stilled. “Because...we’re...”
“What, Jake?” she shot back quickly. “Friends? I don’t think we’ve ever exactly been friends. We dated in high school, we broke up and then I married Tom.” She paused for effect. “You were noticeably absent from our wedding.”
Jake’s insides tightened. He’d just been deployed at the time but hadn’t made much of an effort to take leave. Watching his best friend and ex-girlfriend tie the knot had been one of those experiences he could live without.
“I was in—”
“I know,” she said, cutting him off. “We knew where you were and what you were doing, and Tom understood. But what happened later...after the funeral...that was a moment of craziness, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t simply sweep it under the carpet and pretend it didn’t happen. We can’t undo the past, Jake.”
“I’m not suggesting that we should. I only know that Tom wouldn’t want us to be like this.”
Her brows shot up. “Do you really think you’d know what my husband would want?”
“We were friends,” Jake said quietly.
“He worshipped you,” she said and crossed her arms. “And made excuses for you. He always said you would never come back to Cedar River for good. Is that true?”
Jake frowned. An inquisition wasn’t what he expected. “I have a life in Sacramento. A business. Friends.”
“Girlfriend?” she inquired quietly.
The waitress returned with their drinks, and once she was gone, Jake replied. “No.”
“You’ve never married?”
“Is that a question, or a statement?”
She shrugged. “A little of both. But I’m curious...you’ve been a civilian for a couple of years now. Why haven’t you settled down?”
Jake’s uneasiness increased. He wasn’t used to discussing his personal life. “Why haven’t you?” he shot back, diverting her question. “I mean, why haven’t you married again?”
She took a sip of her drink. “I’ve been busy with work and my—”
“Son?”
She met his gaze, and her eyes widened fractionally. “Yes. T.J.”
Tomas John? Named after his father. It was cute, he supposed. Tom would have liked the idea. His friend was a big believer in family and putting down roots. And Jake knew would have made a great dad, had he been given the chance. Jake had never given the idea of fatherhood much thought. He hadn’t exactly had a great role model in his own parent. And since the army, the notion of settling down, of being in one place, didn’t sit right. Even Sacramento mostly felt temporary.
“Your son is, what? Six?”
“Almost. He turns six in March.”
Jake did a vague mental calculation, in an abstract kind of way. She’d borne Tom’s son. And he was happy for her that she had a child to honor the memory of the man she had loved. A man who had often helped Jake through the toughest part of his life with his kindness and understanding.
“Is he like his father?”
She took a drink and then swallowed. “Yes, very much so.”
Jake drank some soda and sat back in the seat. “I’m surprised Tom’s parents left town. I mean, I know their daughter lives in Oregon, but I thought they would have stayed here to be close to their grandson.”
She shrugged. “They wanted to be somewhere where they weren’t constantly reminded of their son. People leave for all kinds of reasons—you should know that.”
It was a direct hit. “You know why I left, Abby.”
“Because you wanted the army more than you wanted anything else,” she said quietly. “I remember my mother saying my father had thought the same thing. I am curious why you’ve stayed away, though. I mean, your whole family is here, and the ranch. I would have thought those reasons alone might have made you want to come home permanently.”
Home? Strange, but Jake had never felt as though anywhere truly fitted that des
cription.
He shrugged loosely. “The ranch belongs to Mitch, and now that he and Tess are back together and having a baby, they can start a new legacy, a new generation. I’m sure they’ll do a much better job than the old man ever did.”
Her gaze narrowed farther. “I take it you haven’t reconnected with your father?”
“Hell, no. I never want to see him again. What about you?” he asked, figuring he was owed a couple of questions. “You see your mom much?”
Abby shook her head. “Not really. We talk on the phone, of course. She married a nice man called Clive and lives in Florida. I usually go with Gran and visit her for Christmas if I’m not scheduled to work. She never really liked South Dakota and you know I was always closer to Gran than my mom. This was my father’s hometown, not hers. In a way, even though she grieved him for so long, I think she was glad to meet someone else and get away from here.”
Jake wondered if Abby might do the same, so he asked her, “Do you think you’ll get married again?”
She looked at him oddly. “I’m not sure. I’d like to have more children at some point.”
“I bet you’re a good mom.”
She half smiled—the first time she’d looked anything other than disapproving since he’d sat down. “I’d like to think so. I’m sure T.J. would disagree with me when he’s failing to get his own way.”
Jake grinned and then looked at her soberly. “I don’t imagine it’s easy doing it on your own. My brother Joss juggles the whole single-parent thing like a pro, although I’m not sure how he does it.”
“If he’s anything like me, smoke and mirrors,” she said lightly. “And I’m lucky I have my grandmother to help. I bought the house next door to hers.”
“Does she still live on Vale Street?”
Abby nodded. “Yes.”
He remembered her grandmother’s house very well. They’d spent a load of time in Abby’s bedroom when they were dating, mostly on the pretense of studying. But they’d shared a lot of make-out sessions in her room. In fact, they’d lost their virginity together on her narrow bed with its pale mauve coverlet.
Jake noticed that Abby’s gaze had dropped a fraction, and he wondered if she was remembering the same thing. “I know this is going to sound crazy, Abby—but I’d like us to clear the air. You know, lay it all out and start fresh.”
She looked skeptical. “Why?”
Jake sighed. “Because it feels like we should.”
She didn’t say anything for a moment. But she looked at him. Into him. In a way that stirred up a whole lot of memory. And something else—a familiar feeling of awareness, as though for that moment, they were the only two people on the planet. During their relationship they had experienced varying and conflicting emotions—love, lust, resentment, anger, despair, resolution—all of them bound by a connection that went deeper than the transparent interaction they were now having. And Jake knew she was as aware of it as he was.
“Okay,” she said quietly. “We can leave the past exactly where it is and start over. Now that’s settled, you can leave town with a clear conscience.”
Jake watched as she fiddled with the paper napkin in her hand, as though she was filled with a kind of restless and nervous energy. He couldn’t fathom her. She’d called him, after all. Jake wasn’t under any illusions in regard to Abby’s feelings about him. But he was curious about why she’d agreed to meet up when she clearly wanted to be somewhere else.
He raised his glass and met her gaze. “Who says I’m leaving?”
* * *
Abby was a nervous wreck. Her spine was rigid, and she could barely stop her hands from shaking.
Just tell him...
But she couldn’t. The words wouldn’t come out.
And now that he’d made some casual comment about not leaving town, she was more confused than ever. She stared at him, examining every angle of his handsome face, looking for some indication that he was suspicious about T.J.’s paternity, and found nothing.
“You’re not?” she queried.
He shrugged his gorgeous shoulders. “Not immediately. My brother is still recuperating, and I need to spend some time with my family.”
Abby’s insides clenched. “So, how long?”
“How long am I staying?” He shrugged. “I’m not sure. A few weeks. A couple of months, maybe. There’s no real urgency for me to get back. My business partner has the company well under control.”
She’d heard rumors about how successful his business had become in a few short years. Jake was a highly intelligent man and she wasn’t surprised that he’d carved out a great career. In high school he hadn’t had to work hard to get good grades, and she recalled he was something of a math whiz.
Like his son.
She shook off a stray chill and refocused on the conversation. “You’re rich, I suppose?”
He chuckled. “I do okay.”
“Tell me about your business.”
He shrugged a little uncomfortably. “It’s a security firm. The software kind, not armed guards. High-rises, shopping malls, theme parks, big hotels...that kind of thing.”
“Do you travel a lot?”
“Not really,” he replied. “My partner is more the face of the business. I’m more behind the scenes, doing the tech stuff.”
“You didn’t want a longer career in the army?”
He half shrugged. “I considered it. But by the time I’d made the rank of sergeant I knew I wasn’t made to be a career soldier.”
“So, why Sacramento?” she asked.
“No reason...just where I ended up after I retired from the army. My buddy had family there and a few connections, and so we started the business and in a couple of years we were on our way. It’s a nice enough town.”
He didn’t seem particularly connected to the place where he worked and lived. Unlike Abby, who had a deep-rooted love and connection to Cedar River. Even Paris hadn’t been enough to convince her that there was a better place in the world.
“Just a place to hang your hat then?”
He shrugged. “I guess...for now.” A waitress passed their table carrying a tray piled high with ribs and buffalo wings, and he glanced back to Abby. “Want to have dinner? The food actually looks really good.”
She shook her head. “This isn’t a date, Jake. In fact, I should probably get going. Thank you for meeting me.”
“Did it help, to get you to stop hating me?”
She stilled in her seat. “I don’t hate you.”
He raised a brow. “No? Just giving a good impression of it then?”
Abby swallowed hard. “It’s not hate. It’s...humiliation. And embarrassment. And guilt. All the things I know are wasted emotions...but I still can’t help feeling them. Betraying someone who loved you is a hard pill to swallow. And yes,” she said and waved a hand loosely. “I know Tom was gone and we weren’t actually betraying him...but it feels like we did, in here,” she said and briefly touched her chest. “It’s not logical. But feelings rarely are.”
“So, what would you like me to do? Say I’m sorry?” He shrugged a little. “Okay, I’m sorry. Really, I am. I never meant to hurt you, Abby.”
Abby wanted to say the same words back to him. But in her heart, she couldn’t be sorry for what happened between them. Because that would be like admitting she was sorry that T.J. had been conceived, which was unthinkable.
She grabbed her bag and slid from the seat. “Good night, Jake.”
He met her gaze. “Can I see you again?”
Every instinct told her to scream a resounding no. But she couldn’t avoid it. So, she nodded vaguely. “Sure, let’s catch up soon.”
She didn’t wait for a reply and then quickly left the Loose Moose. Arriving home fifteen minutes later, she found her grandmother sitting in her front living room, watching television. It
was close to nine o’clock, so she knew her son would be asleep. Patience immediately flicked off the volume and waited while Abby dropped into the sofa.
“So, how did it go?” her grandmother asked.
Abby stretched out her legs. “It was fine.”
“Did you tell him about T.J.?”
She shook her head quickly. “Of course not. I wanted to talk to him, find out what his plans are.”
“Gathering intel?”
She shrugged. “Something like that. He says he’s staying in town for a while longer.”
Patience gave her an inquiring look. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
Abby had no idea what she wanted when it came to Jake. “I want to make sure I protect my son. Thank you for watching him tonight, Gran. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
After her grandmother went home, Abby stayed in the living room for a while and stared at the empty corner near the window, a spot that was waiting for the Christmas tree. Now that Thanksgiving was over, the holiday season was looming. T.J. adored Christmas. He was in the upcoming pageant at school, and Abby had been volunteering on the costume committee. The sense of community and inclusion was one of the things she loved most about Cedar River.
She yawned, stretched, walked around the house turning off lights and then headed to T.J.’s room. Her son was fast asleep, clutching his favorite stuffed dragon toy, one arm flung out of the covers. She tucked the comforter around him and gently kissed his forehead. A surge of love washed over her like a warm and familiar wave. The intensity of her feelings for her child was simply boundless. He was her sun and moon, her night and day, a bond that had formed the moment she knew she was pregnant.
Looking at him now, seeing his dark hair tousled over his forehead and the soft curl of his mouth, Abby saw Jake in every angle of his small face. Love quickly merged with guilt and regret, and she sucked in a shuddering breath.
Gran was right. Her son deserved to know his father.
His real father.
Abby knew she had to tell both T.J. and Jake the complete truth...not an abridged version. Only, she wasn’t sure how.