by Helen Lacey
Their son turned on his heels. “Oh, okay,” he said and was quickly back down the steps. He hugged his mother, and Jake noticed how her hands lingered on his small shoulders, as though she couldn’t bear the thought of letting him go.
Then he was gone, up the steps and into the house without a backward glance.
“He’s excited,” Jake said quietly.
“I know,” she said and held out a small overnight bag. “His pajamas and a change of clothes for tomorrow,” she explained as he took the bag. “And I put some emergency pants in there, too. And his favorite teddy. And a couple of books. And his toothbrush.”
She really did think of everything. “Great. So, I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll drop him off in the morning.”
“He wants to stay until the afternoon,” she said quietly.
Jake suspected those were some of the hardest words she’d ever said. “I’ll bring him back in the morning,” he said again. “As agreed.”
She nodded. “Okay, thank you.”
Jake gripped the bag. “Abby... I know this must be hard for you.”
She shrugged loosely. “It’s what T.J. wants.”
“Perhaps,” he agreed. “But it’s still difficult. I know he’s the most important thing in your life. And I know this is the first Christmas you’ll be without him.”
She stared at him and swallowed hard. “Like I said, this is what he wants. And I owe him the opportunity to spend as much time with you and your family as he asks for.”
It sounded as though she was trying to convince herself, and they both knew it. “All I’m trying to say is that I understand. Listen, why don’t you come inside for a while?”
“No.”
He could see the tension tightening her mouth. “I’m sure everyone would like to—”
“I can’t,” she said swiftly and stepped back. “I picked up a shift at the restaurant. Another time, perhaps. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Abby...”
Jake didn’t say anything else. He couldn’t. Instead, he stared at her, seeing the girl he’d once loved and the woman he desperately wanted to hate. He thought about what his brothers had said—about pride—and realized they were right. He’d been keeping her at arm’s length since he’d found out the truth about T.J. because his pride was battered, because he’d felt humiliated and belittled and wanted to punish her for denying him the right to be a father to his son. Like she’d punished him by marrying Tom. Payback, he thought. Worse than pride. A small man’s revenge. In that moment, Jake felt smaller than he ever had in his life.
“I don’t want us to be enemies,” he said softly.
Her eyes widened. “Then what do you want?”
“I want... I want...” His words trailed off with a heavy sigh. “I want things to be different. But I...”
She met his gaze. “Jake?”
He stilled. “What?”
She took a long breath. “Do you know why I love him so much?”
“Huh?”
“T.J.,” she said and gave a tremulous half smile. “Do you know why I love him so much?”
Jake stared at her, thinking there was something unusual about the way she was watching him. And he knew why—because T.J. was her whole life, her child, her baby. “Because he’s your son,” he said quietly.
She took a second, inhaling with a kind of uneasy shudder before she spoke again. “No, that’s not why,” she said. “I love him so much because he’s your son.”
Jake’s breath stuck in his throat. “Abby... I...”
“Merry Christmas, Jake,” she said and turned, walking away from him.
Once she got into her car and drove off, Jake remained on the porch, thinking. By the time he returned inside, several minutes had passed. He headed for the front living room, hearing voices and the animated laughter of his son. Everyone was there, including Hank, who had arrived with armloads of gifts, even though he was on call over the holidays. Ellie was hanging a few fallen ornaments back onto the Christmas tree, and the kids were playing a game by the window. Mitch and Tess were sitting close together on the couch. Grant had arrived the night before and was on the other couch, working on his laptop, but still very present. Joss had returned from the kitchen with a tray of food provided by Mrs. B—everything was as it should be. His family. And yet Jake experienced an acute sense of disconnection as he looked around the room.
T.J. looked happy and distracted, enjoying the games with his cousins, clearly oblivious to the chaos surrounding him. A surge of love washed over Jake like a wave. He loved him as Abby loved him—with his whole heart.
I love him so much because he’s your son...
Something uncurled in his chest. A realization. Mixed with memory. About Abby. About everything they had been to one another. Since high school. Since he’d returned to Cedar River. He remembered how she’d acted when they had met again, how she’d asked him to meet her at the Loose Moose. How they had talked over and over, time after time, and not once did she try to mention T.J. was his son. Or did she? She’d said they needed to talk after the wedding, but he’d been so wrapped up being with her, so mesmerized by the reality of having her back in his arms, he hadn’t listened.
“Hey, Jake,” Joss said cheerfully. “Where’s Abby? I thought she might have stayed for a while.”
“Mommy’s gone home,” T.J. said, clearly hearing everything.
Joss frowned and looked at Jake. “She’s alone today?”
Discomfort pressed down on his shoulders. “I don’t—”
“Great-Gran has gone to see my grandma,” T.J. announced. “But Mommy stayed at home.”
Jake felt several pairs of eyes jerk in his direction, and he held up his hands. “She said she was working.”
Joss and Mitch were both shaking their heads. “What?”
“Exactly,” Mitch said with an exasperated breath. “What are you doing?”
Jake laughed humorlessly. “The truth? I don’t have a clue.”
“Well, at least you’re capable of admitting it,” Hank said and grinned.
Jake propped his hands on his hips. “Okay...so I’m admitting I’m an idiot who doesn’t know what to do about the—”
“About the fact you’re still in love with Abby?” Joss said and laughed.
“I know you might all believe it’s simple math that Abby and I should...you know,” he said and made sure his son wasn’t listening too closely. “But it’s too complicated.” He let out a long breath. “It’s crazy...impossible...but...”
“But?” Mitch persisted.
Jake tried to think of something to say, some way to dig himself out of the humiliating hole he was in. And came up with nothing. All he could think about, were Abby’s parting words.
I love him so much because he’s your son...
There had been such raw emotion in her voice...such...truth.
And then Jake realized how blind he’d been since he’d returned to town. He’d been bent on building bridges, seeking Abby’s forgiveness for the way they’ll parted years earlier. But in his determination to make things right, he hadn’t seen what was right in front of him. His desire for her had given him blinders to what was really happening. The real truth. About his feelings for Abby and her feelings for him. And that blindness had made him angry and resentful, particularly since he’d discovered that T.J. was his son. Resentment that had come to define him. Resentment that had made him small and mean and not the best version of himself. Shame, gut wrenching and powerful, pressed down on his shoulders and surged through his blood. He’d made so many mistakes...things he wasn’t sure he could undo.
“I think she still...” His words trailed off, and he felt his cheek grow hotter. “You know...”
“Loves you?” Joss teased, and his brothers all laughed. “Of course she does... What’s not to love?”
/> Jake laughed at himself. “Oh, you know, the fact that I’m closed off, uncommunicative and terrified of intimacy.”
“Yeah,” Mitch said and smiled. “But we all know that, and we still love you.”
His throat tightened. “I...you know...feel the same...about all of you.”
Mitch laughed. “We know. So...what are you gonna do about the mother of your child?”
Jake looked at his brothers, sister and sister-in-law, saw their smiles and nods of approval, and knew it was time he stopped denying the obvious. He loved Abby. He always had. And he wanted her to be more than the mother of his son.
“Hey, buddy,” he said to T.J. and beckoned him. “I’ve gotta go out for a while. Can you stay here with your uncle Mitch and aunt Tess?”
“Where are you going, Daddy?”
He picked him up and hugged him close. “I have to go and tell your mommy that I can’t live without her. Is that okay?”
T.J. laughed delightedly. “That’s okay, Daddy. ’Cause I can’t live without her, either.”
“I know, buddy,” he said and kissed his son’s forehead. “Be a good boy. I’ll be back soon.” He glanced at his brother. “Okay?”
Mitch nodded and grinned. “Get outta here.”
Jake pulled his keys from his pocket, hugged his son once more and left the room.
* * *
Abby stared at the gifts beneath the tree. Gifts she would be opening with her son the following day. Gifts from her grandmother, from her friend Renee, from her mother and step-dad. The tree sparkled, mocking her misery, and she fought the tears burning behind her eyes.
Don’t be foolish.
She knew shouldn’t feel so wretchedly alone, but she did. Without T.J., the house seemed so empty, and she didn’t like the feeling. Her son’s laughter usually echoed around the rooms, the sound of his footsteps a constant reminder of how much love and joy he brought to her life. Without him, nothing seemed right.
You knew it would be like this.
Of course she did. And she could not have denied her son the chance to spend the holidays with his dad. She knew how much he adored Jake, and she was genuinely happy he was forging a strong and loving relationship with his father. But she missed him profoundly. And she missed the way things used to be. She missed being the center of his universe and the person he relied on the most. And she missed other things, too. She missed Jake’s company. Since he’d come back, in those few weeks, Abby had become accustomed to seeing him. And for a while, things between them had been good. Almost as though they were rekindling what they’d once had. The way he’d kindly agreed to teach T.J. to snowboard before he even knew he was his son, or how he’d helped them find a Christmas tree—those things had made it seem as though they had truly reconnected. And, of course, after the wedding they’d made love, and it had been incredible.
But then Jake discovered the truth about T.J., and everything changed. His time. His touch. His intentions.
Like she’d known they would.
In the past couple of weeks, she’d come close to telling him she loved him so many times. Even today, at the ranch, she’d skirted around the words. Because she was scared of his response...of his rejection.
She bit back a sob and was about to head to the kitchen to make tea when she heard a sharp knock on the front door. She wasn’t expecting anyone. The only person likely to drop by unannounced was Annie, and she knew her friend was spending the afternoon with David McCall and his family before they headed to the Triple C to celebrate Christmas with the Culhanes.
Abby walked down the hall and pulled the door back on its hinges and discovered Jake standing on the other side of the screen. “Jake!” she exclaimed and looked around the porch. “What’s wrong? Where’s T.J.?”
“He’s fine,” he replied. “He’s at the ranch with Mitch and Tess.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you,” he replied. “Can I come in?”
She opened the screen. “Of course.”
Moments later they were in the living room. Jake ditched his jacket and stood by the fireplace, his expression unreadable. He watched her with scorching intensity, his gaze unwavering.
“I went to the hotel,” he said, one brow up a fraction. “I was told it was your day off.”
She managed a painful shrug. “I just said that I was working to, you know...make things easier. I didn’t want to intrude on your family.”
“My family?” he echoed and nodded, looking at her intensely. “Yeah...that’s why I’m here—to talk about my family.” He exhaled heavily. “So, turns out I have this problem.”
“Problem?” she queried, her chest tightening.
He nodded. “Yes, a problem. The thing is, I’m really mad at you.”
Abby shook her head. “I know, Jake. Did you really come all this way on Christmas Eve to tell me that?”
He shrugged, dropping his broad shoulders. “You see, I know that my being mad hurts you,” he said quietly and then winced, breathing hard. “And that just kills me.”
She stilled. “Jake... I...”
“So,” he said, his voice the only thing she heard above the wild pounding of her heart, “I have to forgive you. I have to forgive you and forget that I’m angry and bitter and somehow let go of all those feelings.”
“Why?” she asked, not daring to let herself believe what she was hearing.
“Because,” he said, his hands dropping “when you’re in love with someone, you have to forgive them. Otherwise, what’s the point? Do you agree?”
She nodded, unsure where the conversation was heading. “I...yes.”
“And I love you, Abby. I’ve loved you since we were sixteen.”
Abby’s heart clenched behind her ribs, and she shuddered. “I love you, too.”
He nodded, and his eyes had never glittered more brilliantly. “I know...after what you said to me at the ranch... I know.”
“I never wanted him to be anyone’s child but yours,” she admitted, tears filling her eyes.
He was in front of her in three strides, grabbing her hands and holding them against his chest. “Abby, we’ve wasted so much time on bitterness and anger...let’s not do that anymore,” he said softly, clutching her hands. “I want to start over...you and me. Do you think you might want to do that?”
Abby nodded. “I want that more than anything.”
He claimed her lips with a kiss that was so sweet that she sighed against his mouth, clutching him, feeling his warmth and strength seep through to her bones.
“Let’s sit down,” he said raggedly and led her to the sofa.
Abby curled against him, so happy she could barely speak. But she knew she had to. There were things that needed to be said. Wounds that needed to healed.
“I want to say something,” she said and placed two fingers gently against his mouth. “And I’d like to say them without you interrupting me.” He nodded and she continued. “I’m sorry, Jake, for everything.”
“Abby, I—”
She shushed him and touched his mouth again. “Please... I need to say this.”
He swallowed hard. “Okay.”
Abby grabbed his hand, holding it tightly. “Back then, I didn’t understand why you needed to join the military. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much it had to do with your father leaving and your mom dying. I’m sorry I was bullheaded and unforgiving at the time.”
“We were young,” he said. “And both of us were bullheaded.”
“Maybe,” she said agreeably. “But at least you stood by your principles. I was so wrapped up in punishing you I couldn’t think straight.”
“I had to go,” he said quietly. “I had to get the shadow of Billie-Jack off my tail.”
“I know that, now,” she said and shuddered with emotion.
�
�And I understand, Abby,” he said gently. “I get why you didn’t want to be with a soldier. I know you were scared.”
“I was terrified of losing you,” she admitted. “And of ending up as unhappy as my mom.”
“I didn’t mean for you to have to make a choice,” he said, swallowing hard. “I should have been more understanding. I knew about your mom and dad, I knew what you were feeling back then. The truth is, I should have fought harder for us. I didn’t because, like you, I was afraid of ending up like my parent. I guess we’re not so different, after all.”
She nodded, hearing the real emotion in his voice. “Jake, I’m sorry I married Tom. He deserved more than what I was able to give him. And so did you. I loved him, and I cared about him deeply, but I was never in love with him. My heart has always belonged to you,” she stated, fighting back tears. “And it always will.
“Mine, too, sweetheart,” he said and gently kissed her knuckles. “And don’t be sorry for marrying Tom...he was a good guy. I’m not going to deny that it didn’t hurt, but you know, marrying him wasn’t a mistake. He died when he was twenty-five, which is way too young, but I’m willing to bet you gave him so much happiness every day that you were together.”
Abby’s love for him intensified. “Tom once told me you were the most honorable and decent man he knew,” she said softly. “And he was right. You are. But there’s something else I need to say.”
“I’m listening.”
Abby rested a hand against his cheek. “I’m sorry I denied you the chance to be T.J.’s father...because you are incredible at it,” she said and rubbed her thumb along his jaw. “I am so humbled by the way you love him, Jake.”
“He’s easy to love,” Jake said gently. “I am so proud to be his dad. I want to give him the world, Abby,” he said, taking her hand and interlinking their fingers. “And you. I want to give you everything. I want to love you and cherish you and...” He paused, taking a breath. “Marry you...if you’ll have me.”
“Are you proposing?” Abby managed to ask, her heart almost bursting.
“I certainly am,” he said and turned over her hand. “Although I need to get a ring. I mean, I’d thought about it, but I never...” His words trailed off and he dropped her hand and quickly got to his feet. He walked to where his jacket lay on the back of a chair and pulled a small parcel from the pocket. He came back to the sofa and sat down, fumbling with the parcel a little. “I have this,” he said and shook the gift wrapped in Christmas paper.