by DoctorHepa
“Can you use your Puddle Jumper spell to get us out?” I asked. I could also build a ladder, but it’d take a few minutes. We were almost out of time.
“I don’t know,” she said. She backed up, peering up at the ceiling. “The hole is too small. I need line of sight, and all I can see is the sky. If I make the hole bigger, it should work. One moment.”
She leaped up through the hole. Mongo cried out. He started furiously leaping in the air, trying to jump as high as Donut. “She’ll be right back,” I said. “Calm down little dude.”
Mongo screeched in rage and jumped again, leaping astonishingly high. He’d jumped almost ten feet in the air, just shy of the hole.
“Wow, that was great,” I said.
He squeaked sadly, looking at the hole.
A moment later, a larger chunk of floor fell in, and Donut jumped down. Her hair was all poofed out. Mongo started squeaking and bouncing around her like she’d been gone for hours.
Donut ignored her pet. “She’s out there, right on the street,” she said breathlessly. “She’s just standing there like she’s waiting for us. There’s only one way out of the building, and she’s right there. I think she knows we’re here!”
“Who?” I said.
“The elf lady from the poster. Tsarina Signet!”
“Oh shit. Did she see you just now? Was her dot on the minimap red? What level is she?” I didn’t see anything on my map.
Donut paused. “She looked right at me, but she didn’t move! The dot is white! But she is really scary looking. I didn’t have time to examine her properties. I got too scared! She’s glowing. She’s completely naked except for this quite lovely thong that Miss Beatrice would just adore. But this lady is swirling with tattoos that are moving and swimming about like a fishbowl. I don’t like tattoos, Carl.”
I sighed, looking up at the hole, calming slightly. If her dot was white, then we weren’t in immediate danger. “You have a tattoo,” I said absently. “Remember? And I have two now. And you know Bea had a tattoo, too. That awful tramp stamp.”
“Miss Beatrice’s tattoo is a masterpiece and an exception to the rule,” Donut said. “And our tattoos were placed upon us against our wills.”
Bea’s tattoo was a faded, Persian cat on her lower back surrounded by weird, uneven wisps. The cat it was based on was Princess Chonkalot, Donut’s long-dead grandmother and Bea’s childhood cat. The awful tattoo looked like a stoned Ewok. I never understood why she’d get a tattoo in a place where the only ones who’d see it were people smashing her from behind. I’d made the error of jokingly mentioning that once. And the Ewok part. Yeah, that’d been a mistake.
“Her dot is white, which means we can talk to her,” I said. “Let’s ask her what the hell is going on then get to the saferoom. Can you teleport us up there?”
“Okay,” Donut said, sounding uneasy.
I scooped up Mongo. The last thing we needed was the little monster attacking her. “Beam us up, Donut.”
Ten seconds later, and we crouched at the crumbled-in entranceway to the now-destroyed building. Darkness had fully descended on the area. My heart thrashed as I remembered Mordecai’s warning.
Light glowed from the street, and I squeezed through the rubble of the collapsed doorway to go outside. In the distance, about a block and a half down, the circus was lit like a holiday display. The three big top tents glowed, and multiple fires surrounded the encampment. Spot lights shot into the air, waving about.
A line of clowns and lemurs and giraffes stood. They could clearly see us here. Why weren’t they firing their mortars?
I examined the almost-naked elf creature who stood quietly by herself in the now-darkened streets. She stood about five and a half feet tall, and she reminded me of Lexis, Odette’s production assistant. She was an extra-thin, humanoid creature with long, pointed elf ears, short horns jutting from her forehead, and sharpened fangs. She had a malevolent, horrifying look about her.
Her skin gave off a mild luminescence, and in this glow, I could see the tattoos. From her toes to her face, she was covered in thick-lined, old-school tattoos of monsters. Most of the creatures were Asian-themed or nautical-themed, like Japanese Oni and small, Chinese dragons and dozens of other monstrosities like sharks and octopuses. Like Donut said, these tattoos were alive. They moved about her body, twirling around each other, rippling her skin.
Tsarina Signet - Half Naiad, Half High-Elf Summoner. Level 60
This is an Elite.
The High-Elf King Finian, leader of the Liana Sector of the Hunting Grounds, was such a horny bastard, it was said he’d bedded women from over 5,000 different races during his rule. Most scholars agree this has to be an exaggeration considering King Finian’s hairlip and obsession with knitting, but nonetheless, at least one of these trysts did take place, resulting in the unique combination of half Naiad, half High Elf. Considering the Naiad Confederacy’s tendency to drown outsiders and the High Elves’ inclination to hunt down and murder any mongrel child of the late king, Signet here has probably had a tough life. Maybe that’s why she ran away and joined the circus.
WARNING: This is a fairy-class NPC. Creatures of this class inflict 20% more damage against you due to your goblin pass.
The moment the description ended, a new notification popped up.
New Achievement! Meet an Elite.
Sometimes they’re NPCs, sometimes they’re mobs, but usually they’re just assholes. Elites are powerful, one-of-a-kind entities. These are the non-boss, non-divine hero class of Dungeon Crawler World. If you come across one of these egomaniacs, they will either want to fuck you or kill you. Either way, they will always want to use you. They tend to think this whole production is all about them. Be careful. Where there’s one elite, there’s usually more.
Reward: Elites will now show on your map as white or red dots with a black cross.
I swallowed. The woman was decidedly terrifying to look upon, yet I found myself attracted to her. The effect was sudden and almost overwhelming. With horror, I felt myself getting physically excited. I pictured myself pulling the woman into my arms, kissing her on the mouth. I took a step toward her. It’s a spell, I realized. What had Mordecai said? Stay away from girls with horns on their heads.
Carl: I think I’m being charmed by an NPC with horns. What do I do?
Mordecai: It’s not a real Charm spell because if it was, you wouldn’t be asking me about it. Is it happening to Donut, too?
Donut: HE HAS AN ERECTION, MORDECAI. IT’S VERY INAPPROPRIATE. MONGO IS APPALLED.
Mordecai: Okay, Carl. She likely has a 100 plus Charisma, which gives some inherent buffs. One of those is something called Puppy Dog, which can make men mad with desire. It’s a weak effect at first, but the longer you’re in her presence, the worse it’ll get. There’s only one surefire way to break it. You need to fracture your own finger. Do it fast. It will negate the effect. Uh, make sure you don’t rip your finger off.
Shit. I still clutched onto Mongo. I reached over, grasped my left pinky, and I bent it back so it snapped loudly. Pain exploded. I cried out. Holy crap. That just happened. I looked stupidly at my bent-back finger.
It worked. I felt the spell rush away. The effect was similar to having a bucket of cold water dumped on my head. I just sat there and breathed heavily.
The woman looked down with amusement at my finger.
“My, my,” she said. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen that trick in action.”
She had a seductive voice. It did not match her face. I drank a health potion.
Donut: IT WORKED. YOU ARE A GENIUS MORDECAI.
Mordecai: Gods, Donut. Do you have to type in all caps? That trick works for most charm-based spells. But you have to do it to yourself. The problem is that by the time you’re truly charmed, you don’t know you’re charmed. This is a succubus. Get away from her and get back to the base.
Donut: SHE IS NOT A SUCCUBUS. IT SAYS SHE’S A HALF NAIAD AND ELF. IT ALSO SAYS SHE’S AN ELITE
.
Mordecai: Holy fuck. Get the hell out of there. Do not get involved in whatever she’s trying to rope you into.
“We’re sorry to have bothered you,” I said while Donut and Mordecai talked in the chat. “We need to head back now.”
Signet took a tentative, almost shy step toward me. In my menu, I prepared to click Protective Shell if I had to. It wouldn’t have an effect on her if her dot remained white, so if I needed it, I had to time it properly. “I came here to see if you were okay. I watched you get attacked by my former family. They can be quite… unwelcoming… to strangers these days.”
I watched a sea dragon pulse across her small breasts. The black tattoo paused to look at me and silently hiss before wrapping itself around her back. On Signet’s arms, the monsters danced about one another. I caught glimpse of a giant, three-headed ogre who held a curved sword, which he sharpened on a wheel.
I realized Mongo had gone slack in my arm. I looked down, and the little dinosaur was staring at the woman, little eyes wide. She reached out and patted him on the head. He made a happy little squeak.
This is what happened with the goblins and the laminak fairies, I realized. Only this time we were the ones getting seduced by the ultra-high charm.
“We’re okay,” I said as Donut leaped up on my shoulder. “Thank you for your concern. We really need to get going.”
The woman reached forward to pet Donut, but the cat pulled back and let out a growl. Mongo looked between Donut and Signet, confused. I felt the small dinosaur tense, the spell broken. He also let out a little growl. Good boy, I thought.
“We’re not getting involved with this weird little quarrel, Sweetheart,” said Donut. “Carl and I want nothing to do with you and your circus freak friends. We will be leaving now,” Donut said.
“I’m afraid it’s too late for that,” Signet said as she took a step back and spread out her arms. The tattoos on her body began to swirl, moving faster and faster until they blurred. She nodded toward the circus, and I reluctantly turned my head.
At this distance, I could barely see what she was indicating. A cheer rose from the line of clowns and circus animals. A moment passed, and I realized, with dread, that I could see what had changed.
The cages of the beasts were all open. I glanced at my minimap, and the red dots appeared, one-by-one. In front of us, behind us, and to our sides.
We were surrounded, and they were moving in fast.
A note from DoctorHepa
This is my monthly reminder that I have a Patreon! I am a few chapters ahead over there. It's also my only real income right now since all my shows are in the crapper. I love you all!
Remember when we were kids, and we used to wish that the weekend would last forever? Ha. Haha. I hope those of you under quarantine aren't going too crazy. I am a month and a half past due for a haircut, and I'm about ready to shave it all off. How is your hair doing?
Chapter 54
“What was your name again?” Signet asked me. She didn’t move from her arms-out Jesus pose.
“Uh, Carl,” I said as I frantically searched the map for the best way to flee. We had nowhere to go. I regretted making Donut use her Puddle Jumper spell already. The spell had a five-hour countdown, and we really could’ve used it about now.
“Carl. What a strong name. Be a dear, Sir Carl. You seem like a strapping lad,” Signet said. “Please keep those Mold Lions off of me while I organize my battle squad. I usually have this part done before I have to face them. Your presence distracted me, so it’s only fair. Besides, if you run, they will take you down.”
“Carl, I don’t like this,” Donut whispered as I put Mongo down. “I think we’re in real trouble.”
“Get ready,” I said. I formed a fist and faced the closest red dot. It was right there, fifty feet away, across the street and down the alley from the house with the basement. But I couldn’t see it. I watched the dot move toward us. The mob moved through the building.
No, not through the building. On the building. It was on the roof. I looked up and tried not to gasp.
Mold Lion – Level 15
Mean, green, and it gonna eat yo spleen!
Madam Kiki’s Dancing Lions were an integral part of Grimaldi’s Traveling Circus. Crowds would roar in approval as the diminutive lion trainer stood in the middle of the ring, cracked her whip, and the dozen male lions took to their hindlegs and twirled like ballerinas. What a sight it was!
On the day of the great cataclysm, the gentle and tame lions were some of the first to transform. The spores of Scolopendra took quick root within the lions, turning them into the fiends you see today. Further transformation occurred as a result of the vine.
Like with all early victims of the cataclysm, these creatures are filled with rage. They will stop at nothing until your innards wet the floorboards of the Over City.
“That was needlessly gruesome,” Donut muttered as I gawked up at the lion.
The monster was a regular-sized, male lion with a mane. Half of his body was covered with a green, lumpy, glowing fungus that pulsated like he was being eaten. The green mold covered his legs and chest, and splattered tendrils of the stuff covered the lion’s face, like a pair of hands caressing it from behind. The lion’s right eye glowed like an emerald. Erupting from his mane were the tentacles. Dozens of long, pink and green, finger-like worms waved in the air, making the creature appear to be some sort of fucked-up cat medusa.
The monster roared. Behind me, an answering roar followed. Then a third. The lions appeared all around us, all of them on the roofs of the buildings. They were going to pounce at any moment.
“Holy shit lady, how long is this going to take?” I called to the woman. We now had six lions circling us.
The half-naiad’s eyes glowed. The tattoos swirled faster and faster along her skin. She did not answer.
For the past day, I’d been trying to organize scenarios such as this in my mind. We needed to come up with contingencies, ways to respond to certain threats. If Donut and I trained, we could call out the play and each of us would know how to respond in a way where we worked together. I had one such contingency already worked out in my head, something for this exact scenario—surrounded by powerful monsters. The problem was I hadn’t explained this yet to Donut.
I looked about for the strongest-looking wall. There. Just on the other side of Signet.
“Okay, Donut,” I said as I slowly circled behind the half-naiad. I had to mentally gauge the distance. “Save your magic until I tell you. Can you take another potion yet?”
“Yes,” she said, voice full of fear. Mongo stayed under my feet. “What’re we doing!”
“Got a plan. When I say, cast that last scroll of Confusing Fog. Okay? Get it re… Oh shit, now, now!”
All six lions pounced at once, and their terrifying roar filled the dark street.
I slammed down on Protective Shell.
Earlier, I’d tossed a goblin smoke bomb, and it’d caught in the wind, resulting in the bomb being rendered ineffective. The Confusing Fog didn’t have that problem.
The lions bounced off the shell like fireflies off a bug zapper. Each of the six lions ricocheted in a different direction, all of them howling in outrage as the billowing eddies of fog spread out around us.
Signet, as I hoped, was not affected by my shield. She remained within the spell’s area of effect.
The magical shell would only last twenty seconds. The translucent-only-to-the-good-guys fog, however, would stick around for a good two and a half minutes thanks to Donut’s high intelligence.
As I hoped, one of the lions bounced off the shell and flew into the sturdy wall of the building. I’d judged the distance correctly, and the lion was momentarily caught between the wall and the dome shape of the spell. The spell pushed the lion against the wall as it blindly scrambled for purchase with its claws. The lion had nowhere to go, and he hung just a couple feet off the ground, wedged in good. He was on his side, back against the wall and bel
ly facing us, angled downward. Blind and confused, it howled and scrambled, unable to push off the shell. In a second he’d figure out that rotating would save himself. I had to act fast.
Its body sparked where it came into contact with the shield. A damage bar appeared and slowly started to descend. Behind me, another lion roared in pain as one of his friends instinctively slashed at him. I bolted forward, pulled my fist back and punched the trapped lion in the mold-covered chest just as he started to rotate.
He howled in pain and tried to slash at me but couldn’t angle his claws—which were inches from my face—past the invisible shell. I punched again and again. I felt something give. My next punch went deeper than I expected.
Mongo screamed and flew through the air, attaching himself to the lion’s unprotected belly, ripping at it as I pulled my dripping gauntlet and punched again. My hand entered the chest cavity, and I opened my fist, grasped, and pulled.
I fell back onto my ass as the entire lion plummeted to the ground and rolled toward me. Surely it hadn’t been twenty seconds yet? The green mold turned black before my eyes, and the worm tentacles all dropped, mixing in with the matted and dirty hair of the mold lion.
It was dead.
Mongo shrieked with glee. The dinosaur grew before my eyes. I wasted a precious second staring stupidly at the mold-covered lion heart in my hand. Holy shit. I pulled his fucking heart out. I pulled out the heart of a fucking lion.
“Second Chance,” I cried, scrambling to my feet as I put the heart into my inventory.
Donut’s spell only cost ten of her 29 magic points.
The protective shell fizzled out just as the reanimated lion rose to its feet. It stood, both eyes dead, guts trailing from where Mongo had eviscerated it. Signet still hadn’t moved or changed.
Undead Minion of Crawler Princess Donut – Mold Lion – Level 5
The zombies were a third as powerful as their former selves, but they weren’t blind.