by DoctorHepa
Mordecai – Grulke Infantry. Level 50.
Manager of Crawler Princess Donut
This is a Non-Combatant NPC.
The rare Grulke were a militaristic race of toad warriors. Able to leap great distances and inflict devastating attacks with their tongues, it was said an army of Grulke could stand against any foe. Unfortunately, political intrigue and infighting has turned these once-proud people into a race of mostly mercenaries and vagrants. They are hunted ruthlessly by the tunnel trolls, who like to capture and lick them. Not because they impart any sort of hallucinogenic effect. It’s just that tunnel trolls are weird-ass fuckers.
“A frog, huh?” I said.
Mordecai grunted. “Don’t ever call a real Grulke a frog if you meet one. They’re mean bastards. They’re toads.”
“I need to tell you what happened with that last quest.”
“Oh, I already know all about it. As a manager, I no longer get the daily updates or a newsletter, but I do receive notifications of court decisions adversely affecting my client. You guys got screwed, but at least you’re alive.”
I moved to the counter and examined the familiar three screens.
“Shit,” I said, looking at the player counter. We had 389,441 remaining crawlers. That was several hundred thousand dead since the last time I’d looked.
“What happened?” I asked, horrified.
“I only know what I saw on the recap episode. There were several group quest events just like yours happening across the Over City during the last couple of days. Usually the third floor is relatively easy. They generally try to have six or seven hundred thousand make it to the fourth floor. The factions aren’t going to be happy if the crawlers are culled too much by the time the sixth floor opens. It’s also usually 20 days, and you only have ten. Expect the AI to push back with better gear and higher awards, especially after that veto. The fact you’re level 27 and Donut is 26 is both lucky and a miracle. That’s better than I could’ve hoped for, even with a regular timer. We’ll need to keep it up, but we can’t rely on luck-based power leveling.”
“Luck-based anything is not my intention,” I said. But I’d barely heard what he’d said. I felt sick. Jesus, I thought. You gotta keep your head. I took a deep breath.
The middle screen with the top ten list simply read, Leaderboard will populate at the end of the next recap episode.
I turned my attention to the final screen.
Welcome to the Safe Room. You are on the Fourth Level.
Rental Rooms currently available: 10
Rental Room price: 180 gold.
Personal locations available for purchase. See proprietor for details.
Food is available at this location.
“How much gold do you guys have between the three of you?” Mordecai asked.
“Just about four grand,” I said. “But we haven’t opened our boxes yet, and we have quite a few.”
“Okay. Open your boxes and see how much you have,” Mordecai said. “Donut, do your thing. Just like we talked about earlier.”
Donut cleared her throat and jumped to the counter. I knew she’d been looking forward to this.
“This is a lovely establishment you have here,” she said to Wendita the Bopca.
“Why thank you, your majesty,” the gnome said, perking up. “I’m just so excited to have royalty visit us. You don’t know what an honor it is.”
“I’m sure,” Donut said in her most imperious voice. “So I understand you have personal locations available to sell at this establishment.”
Wendita’s eyes got huge. “Yes, that’s right. Fifty thousand gold, and it’s yours.”
Mordecai and I both winced. He’d warned us that the price might’ve gone up. He said it usually started at forty grand.
Donut yawned and looked at her paw as if that price was but a pittance. “I always find talking about coins to be a low activity.” She sighed dramatically. “Surely there must be a discount for royalty?”
Wendita shook her head vigorously. “No ma’am. Your majesty, I mean. Personal spaces aren’t something we can negotiate on.”
Donut leaned in. “Oh, Sweetie. Let me tell you a secret. Everything is negotiable.”
Wendita swallowed.
According to Mordecai, the price for a personal saferoom would be “fixed” in that the location managers would tell the Bopcas how much to sell them for. But the truth was there was usually about 25% wiggle room on the price. The system wouldn’t allow them to sell it for less than that. The proprietors were incentivized to sell the magical spaces with rewards, not money. The rewards being things such as earlier location selection for the next floor, a larger food budget, etcetera. So as far as the Bopcas were concerned, it didn’t matter how much they sold the spaces for.
Unfortunately, the gnomes had a miserly streak to them, and it went against their better nature to discount anything, even if they weren’t the ones reaping the benefit. It was something I’d never understand. But Mordecai was convinced that Donut would be able to talk them down, and if she succeeded, she’d surely train up her negotiation skills. Apparently one received extra skill experience if they could talk a Bopca down. Even if we didn’t have enough money to purchase right now, this was an important skill to train as much as possible.
“I might be able to let it go for 45,000.”
Donut scoffed. “I suppose we don’t really need a personal space today anyway.” She stood and turned her back to Wendita, showing her cat butt to the gnome.
“Forty-four thousand?” Wendita said.
“Is that a question?” Donut asked, looking over her shoulder.
I sighed and turned away from the negotiations. I had 24 stat points to distribute, but Mordecai had taught me to open my boxes and weigh any possible loot upgrades first. I had multiple boxes already, but I pulled up my unread achievements first to see if I had any more. I had ten achievements I hadn’t yet opened, most of them explosion-based. I was surprised to find a few additional ones.
New Achievement! They like me! They really like me!
You are one of the first five crawlers to have achieved 500 trillion followers! People sure love a good train wreck. Wink.
Reward: You have received a Platinum Fan Box!
Note: Voting is now enabled on this box’s prize. Box will become available in 30 hours.
New Achievement! The early bird gets to squirm!
You went down a set of stairs more than six hours prior to the level’s collapse.
Reward: Doing this is kind of like leaving a party much too early. It makes you look like a dick. No reward for you.
New Achievement! Cuck Aquaman!
You got fucked by a fish. You’ve done something so spectacularly controversial, courts and lawyers had to get involved. The end result was *my* decision being overturned.
Reward: You’ve received a Platinum It’s Not My Fault You Fish-Headed Assholes Don’t Properly Program Your Quests Box.
“Uh, Mordecai?” I said.
I described that last achievement using our chat feature. I’d recently discovered I could mentally copy items in my notifications and paste them into chat.
He laughed out loud. His throat pouch inflated and dispersed air with glee. The sight was disconcerting.
Mordecai: the AI is given the discretionary ability to award certain types of superfluous achievements and awards up to Platinum. Don’t think the system is getting soft on you. This is not too unusual. The AI running the game almost always obtains a bit of a personality and an attitude, especially near the end. When their decisions get countermanded by the court, it tends to break something in their virtual minds. They usually act out by doing something like this. But normally the veto comes much later in the game. I don’t know what sort of effect this is going to have. Just open the box, accept the prize, and don’t mention it again out loud. I’m sure Borant expected this when they issued that veto,
and they won’t hold it against you. I just looked and Donut got the same prize. I’m guessing everyone who got shafted by the decision received it.
We’d gotten robbed of a Celestial quest box, but Donut and I still had two silver quest boxes from the prostitute quest and from that Cockblock achievement. At the same time I had received a Platinum Tyrant’s Box plus a Bronze Assassin’s box, which I’d gotten for becoming the town’s new magistrate. Plus I had that Bronze Boss box from killing Quill and a mess of other loot packs, mostly bronze and silver adventurer’s boxes.
Looking at the list, I no longer felt as if we’d been screwed over. Almost all of these prizes were a result of that quest.
“I’m going in,” I said. The next table over, Katia was digging into her own loot.
The adventurer’s boxes didn’t hold anything new or exciting. Potions, potions, bandages—which I never used, random clothing items and unenchanted weapons that we would sell. A couple hundred coins.
The bronze assassin box contained a pair of Quiet Slippers, which I wouldn’t be able to wear plus a mess of antidote potions I didn’t need unless I wasn’t wearing my Nightgaunt Cloak.
The boss box contained a magical tome for a spell called Bang Bro. I set it aside to read later.
My two silver quest boxes each contained 1,000 gold coins and a group of scrolls. One contained three Confusing Fog scrolls, which I liked much better than just smoke bombs. The scrolls had saved us multiple times, but I’d been out of them for a while. The other contained three Heal scrolls, which were also useful in healing others without having to resort to pouring potions down their throats.
I received more sticks of dynamite from some random boxes before we got to the good stuff.
The first, the Platinum Tyrant’s Box contained 10,000 gold and a necklace. The necklace was a simple, silver-colored chain with a quarter-sized charm at the end. A tiny, yellow jewel was encrusted in the charm. I quickly examined it before I moved to the next box.
Enchanted Necklace of the Haute Bourgeoisie
The second smallest of the chains of leadership, it is still considered a great honor to be the custodian of this burden. Each jewel-encrusted upon this charm represents a settlement owned and controlled by the bearer. If one still maintains a settlement’s jewel upon the collapse of the level, the holder of this necklace will permanently receive a tax stipend every ten days from that settlement based on size and population. In addition, each gem will impart additional benefits based on the town.
In order to upgrade this necklace, one must first conquer a Large-sized Settlement. Upgraded necklaces will also upgrade all existing gems.
One Attached Gem:
Poor Sapphire. Medium Skyfowl Settlement (Third Floor).
+5 to Dexterity.
+Talon Strike (Level 5)
Taxes received: 432 Gold every 10 days.
May you be a kind and just leader.
“Oh wow,” I said, putting it aside. “Cool.” I guessed that explained why the others didn’t recognize me as the town’s leader. I probably had to first put the necklace on.
The AI’s special box opened next. It was just seven slips of paper. I laughed out loud at the prizes.
Coupon for a free Personal Space, upgraded to level three.
Coupon for a free tier 1 environmental upgrade. (x2)
Coupon a free tier 1 crafting table. (x2)
Coupon for a table upgrade. (x2)
Over at the counter, Donut had talked Wendita down to 38,000 gold. The two continued to dance back and forth. I saw Katia had received the same coupons. She had one in her hand, her eyes glossy, which I recognized as her talking directly in chat, probably to Hekla. I nodded at Mordecai and slid the coupons over to show him.
“Holy wow,” he said. He had to sit down. He croaked with amusement. He also had an odd look of relief on his face.
“So these are good?”
Mordecai: This is a bigger fuck you to the showrunners than I thought the AI could pull off. Honestly, this is probably almost as good as a celestial upgrade. A level three space is expensive but allows for each crawler to have their own room complete with their own upgrades. And if you gather a new teammate who already has a space, you’ll be able to conjoin the rooms and combine the upgrades. It also allows me to bring my own room over. No more unexpected teleporting, thank the gods.
Carl: How is this a fuck you to the boss people?
Mordecai: All of those upgrades are really expensive, so in addition to the loss of income from the acquisitions—they get a small cut of all dungeon purchases—it’s a tradition for your sponsors to make you buy your own safe space but to then buy you some upgrades in your first loot box. By preempting the sponsors, the AI is giving you a leg up and is saving your future sponsors a lot of money. I mean a lot, thus freeing them up to give you better stuff.
Carl: Katia got the same coupons. I’m thinking she’s going to save them for Hekla.
Mordecai turned his head and regarded the woman thoughtfully.
Mordecai: The environmental upgrades are no problem. She can install them now, and they’ll travel with her if she decides to leave. But I want those table upgrades. Those are invaluable. I’ll have to talk to her.
“But Princess Donut, it’s the lowest I can go,” Wendita pleaded. “It won’t let me go below 37,500 gold. If we go lower than that, I will have to personally pay the difference myself.”
“Well, how much do you have saved up?” Donut asked. The cat had a wild look to her eyes. “You’ll be free to visit any time you like.”
“Wait, really?” Wendita asked.
Carl: Donut. Don’t make her pay from her own pocket. It’ll make you look like an ass. Just settle on the price now to get your experience.
Donut: I can get her lower, Carl. I can do it. I can feel her wavering. It is delicious.
Carl: There’s no need. Open your boxes and you’ll see why.
Donut sighed dramatically. “Oh, we needn’t go lower than 37,500 gold, I suppose.”
“Really?” Wendita said. “So it’s a deal?”
“I’ll have to think on it,” Donut said. She jumped from the counter and moved to the table as the Bopca just stared at her incredulously. Donut started going through her achievements as I returned my attention to my loot.
I put on the necklace, receiving the plus five to my dexterity. I tucked it in under my shirt. We didn’t wear dog tags in the Coast Guard, so I wasn’t used to having something around my neck. It felt heavy against my skin, heavier than it should. I examined Talon Strike, which ended up being a skill, not a spell.
Talon Strike
Birds have ugly feet. Disgusting feet, really. Still, there’s something sensual about the sight of a hawk swooping down upon its prey, talons out, and slashing. It’s so sudden, so unexpected, so explosively violent.
Such violence. Sweet, sweet violence.
Turns the side of your bare foot into a fast-moving slashing weapon, increasing the damage against opponents by up to (Level of skill) times your regular kicking damage for (Level of skill) seconds. Each kick using this skill has a 2% chance to cast the instakill spell Eviscerate. This melee skill has a cooldown of five minutes. Higher levels of this skill increase damage, duration, and chance of casting Eviscerate. A level 15 of this skill will result in Talon Strike being permanently active.
That was an excellent upgrade. Anything that could increase my damage was a welcome addition, especially if it didn’t cost anything to activate. I couldn’t wait to try it out.
I picked up the spell tome.
Bang Bro
Cost: 5 Mana
Target: Temporarily Enchant Equipped Item
Duration: 5 minutes + 1 minute per level of spell. Requires 5-minute cooldown.
Adds both fire and electrical damage to any currently-equipped item. May not be cast on flesh. Well, actually it can be cast on (your own) flesh, but I really wouldn’t recommend it. May inflict Burn and Shock on targets.
Can also
be used to cook hotdogs and other items.
I called Mordecai over, who was helping Donut with her items. I showed him the book.
“Will this work on my gauntlet?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Definitely. I wouldn’t try it on your xistera, not with the way you load it. You could probably do it to your foot, also, as long as your invulnerable buff is active. But I would probably avoid doing that. It’s a good spell, and it’s in your mana price range.”
I nodded and read the tome, adding the spell to my list. I would have to add a few points to my intelligence. Between that, Heal, and my Wisp Armor, I now had a few mana-costing spells.
“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I love it! I love it so much!” Donut cried. “This plus a fan box? I can’t wait!”
She’d gotten the same coupons as me which meant all of us who won that quest probably got the same thing. She’d also received the fan box. But other than that, she hadn’t gotten as many boxes as I had. Most notably, she hadn’t received the Tyrant box nor the Assassin box. But she did have the boss box and the quest boxes. It looked as if she’d received a bunch of random scrolls and some useless items we’d have to sell, But in one of those, I wasn’t sure which, she’d also received a new tiara.
It poofed onto her head. It looked similar to her last one. The jewels on this one were white instead of purple. I quickly examined it. It wasn’t as good as the one she’d lost, but it did come with some good benefits.
Enchanted Tiara of Mana Genita
A crystal tiara fit for royalty. Made in honor of all the lost children of the world. Because nothing helps sooth the tears of grieving parents like watching someone else dress up all fancy.
+3 Intelligence
Increased ability to detect mobs on the map.
Removes automatic hostility by worshippers of Mana Genita.
“Who’s Mana Genita?” I asked.
“She’s a goddess,” Mordecai said. “A pretty obscure one. I don’t think I’ve ever run across her. She was big on spells, I think. I don’t remember. There’s thousands of them. Gods, I mean. Only a few are dungeon regulars. Most of them never leave the 12th floor.”