by DoctorHepa
“Hopefully we’ll have time to ask Mordecai when he gets back,” I said. “We still have two environmental upgrades. I’m thinking maybe a kitchen upgrade to get food buffs and one more buffing item. Some of those cost more than the coupon’s value, and we’ll need the money for that. There’s just so much on that list, I don’t know what the best choice is.”
We also had four free tables to purchase between the three of us, and we needed to buy them quickly since they leveled up on their own when a floor collapsed. That was also something I wanted to consult with Mordecai. When he returned, there would be one day and 15 hours left. Hopefully that was enough time, but just in case, I collected everybody’s free table coupons and left them on his alchemy table. That way he’d be able to buy them for us if we were otherwise occupied.
* * *
The recap show came on, and the entire program was a special on the death of Hekla. It was set up like a tribute to the crawler, starting with a scene of her entering the dungeon. She was a much different woman then, and it seemed odd seeing her in street clothes. She’d been fighting with her husband as they came in, a tall, good-looking man who looked like he was twenty years older than her. He’d gotten poisoned by a walking cactus mob, and she left him while he was on the floor, crying for her to come back.
She returned later to find him dead, being devoured by rats. She screamed as she kicked the rats away. One turned and attacked Hekla. She picked up a broken bone—one of her now-dead husband’s exposed rib bones—and she used it to stab the rat in the eye. By some miracle, the jab killed the mob.
That had garnered her a Legendary Girl Power box for being the first woman in the dungeon to use the corpse of a human male to kill a mob. I assumed that was where she got the crossbow.
We watched a much-abridged summary of Hekla’s rise in power and how she gathered crawlers to her.
During that segment, the show started to also focus on Katia. We got to see her enter the dungeon, clutching tightly to Eva’s arm. They went on to portray how mousy, terrified Katia depended on her friend, how she hid behind her during early battles. It showed Eva killing the man who’d grabbed Katia when Hekla demanded he leave the group.
Eva’s features oddly matched the cobra face of the nagini/orc hybrid she’d become. And Katia’s before-face was also strange to look upon. It was the face she had now in the saferoom, almost, but it was just slightly off from that terrified, bewildered woman who entered the dungeon almost a month ago. She was a different species now, of course, but those human eyes had a deeper quality to them. The thousand yard stare.
The next scene surprised me. Katia wasn’t alone when she got to the third floor.
I should have realized. Everyone who entered the third floor met up with their original game guide. Katia and Eva had the same one, and the two of them entered character creation together. But Eva went first, and she left the saferoom as Katia’s body transformed. By the time Katia was ready to leave, Eva was long gone. It wasn’t clear what happened next, but the next time they showed Hekla, Eva was there with her.
“What happened?” I asked Katia. “How did she find Hekla and not you?”
Katia shrugged. “We were in a small settlement. Eva said she’d accidentally made one of the swordsmen guards angry and had to run out of town. She got on one of the traveling caravans and ended up in a different city and reconnected with Hekla. At least that’s what she’d told me.”
“Caravans?” I asked. “I didn’t see those.”
“They had them. I got on one, and we passed by the circus and then ended up in the skyfowl town where I met you.”
I remembered, then, what Eva had said to Katia in that moment before Katia had tried to kill her. This is why I left you behind on the third floor. That revelation must have hit her hard.
The program continued to showed Katia’s grand return to the daughters and the formation of the plow in front of the train. We watched Katia’s level rise as she plowed through the ghouls.
And then, finally, it showed Katia killing Hekla. They did not show it to be an accident, but an act of rage on Katia’s part once she discovered she was being used.
“That’s not how it happened,” Katia groused. “They’re making me look like a bloodthirsty crazy woman.”
I grunted. “Welcome to the club. When I first…” I paused, my eyes on the screen. The moment the episode ended, the leaderboard changed. All three of us turned to look at the new list.
Lucia Mar – Lajabless – Black Inquisitor General – Level 35 – 1,000,000
Prepotente – Caprid – Forsaken Aerialist – Level 34 – 500,000
Carl – Primal – Compensated Anarchist – Level 34 – 400,000
Donut – Cat – Former Child Actor – Level 32 – 300,000
Quan Ch – Half Elf – Imperial Security Trooper – Level 38 – 200,000
Florin – Crocodilian – Shotgun Messenger – Level 32 – 100,000
Miriam Dom – Human – Shepherd – Level 30 – 100,000
Katia Grim – Doppelganger – Monster Truck Driver – 37 – 100,000
Dmitri and Maxim Popov – Nodling – Illusionist and Bogatyr – 30 – 100,000
Ifechi – Human – Physicker – Level 29 – 100,000
“Carl, Carl, we’re in the top five! You’re number three! Katia! You’re in the top 10!”
“Oh, wow,” Katia said. “The list has changed quite a bit.”
“Yeah, Elle fell off the edge,” I said. “Also, it turns out you’re not the highest level in the dungeon, Katia. Quan has you beat.” I regretted saying it as soon as the words came out of my mouth. Any mention of Quan Ch was enough to send Donut into a tirade.
“He’s a cheater,” Donut started to grumble, but then she paused, finding something else to be outraged about. “Hey, why do those two guys get to be in the same spot? That’s not fair! Carl and I should both be number three! Katia, too!”
“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s also weird they hardly ever show that goat thing, but he’s number two.”
We were interrupted by the start of the daily announcement. It wasn’t anything interesting. They were nerfing the running speed of the blister ghouls but increasing the running speed of creatures suffering from stage three DTs, which was pretty terrifying. The moment the announcement ended a notification appeared.
Warning: You may not wield your weapons while in the presence of Admins. Any attempted violence against an Admin will result in your immediate execution.
Before I could react, there was a pop, a splash of cold water over my legs, and Zev teleported into the room.
“Oh my god, hi Zev!” Donut said. “You didn’t say you were coming!”
“Donut. Carl, Katia. Mongo. Hello.”
Mongo rocketed from his spot on the floor to press his face against the kua-tin’s glass helmet, almost knocking her over.
“No, Mongo!” Donut yelled. “It’s Zev! Be nice!”
The tiny fish woman still wore the ridiculously-cumbersome deep-diving helmet on her head along with the spacesuit. I remembered our very first conversation with the creature, and she’d said she was only going to wear it for the first few floors.
“Still wearing protective gear, I see,” I said.
Zev furiously and uselessly rubbed at the exterior of her helmet where Mongo had fogged it up. “Yes, Carl. The protections aren’t in place like they should be.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“It’s of no consequence to you, but the dual layer system integration utilized for the initial capture and subjugation of the planet was supposed to be replaced by the pocket system at the end of the third floor. When it didn’t switch over, people just thought we were being cheap. Turns out Hinter, the company who normally rents out the necessary cores for the integration, wouldn’t allow us to use them at the last minute. I don’t know the details. It’s confusing, boring, business stuff. I don’t even understand it all. The bottom line is I’m wearing this suit when I enter
the dungeon for the foreseeable future.”
Weird. I wanted to ask more questions about it, but I knew that would be a bad idea.
“What can we do for you today?” I asked.
“Several things. I figured it would be best to talk in person. First off, I wanted to officially congratulate Katia on hitting the top ten, and to congratulate you two for getting in the top five. Also, just an FYI. Odette has amended the contract to include a Katia option, so she’s now obligated to travel to the post-floor interviews. She went to the last one anyway, but now it’s official and permanent.”
“What about Mongo?” Donut asked.
Zev cracked a smile. “Mongo, too, Donut, but dungeon-born pets are considered Borant property, so there’s no contracts involved. So, Katia. Regarding Odette’s show. She had to pay quite a bit more to make you exclusive, so she added a few, uh, riders to the contract. Namely, you need to be more ‘zippy’ I think the word was. Apparently last time Odette thought your interview performance was a little lackluster.”
Katia frowned and crossed her arms.
“I’ll tell you what,” I said. “Katia, I’ll give you a zip lesson right now. Okay? Repeat after me. I want you to say, ‘Go fuck yourself, Zev.’”
Katia laughed. “I’m not going to say that.”
“Don’t be crude, Carl,” said Donut. “Also, Mongo is not anybody’s property. This is an outrage!”
Mongo squawked in agreement.
Zev, I suddenly realized, wasn’t accepting our abuse with her usual, chipper obliviousness. She looked very tired. An ominous feeling came over me.
“Why are you really here, Zev?” I asked.
“Look, guys. In case something happens to me, I wanted to let you know how much I really appreciate how hard you’ve worked.”
Oh, shit. “What’s going on?”
“You didn’t do anything. There’s another representative who wants to take over your account. Her name is Loita. Nothing has happened yet, but I think they might give it to her.”
“What?” Donut said. “No. No way. We only work with you.”
“She’s Bloom. She just lost her main account, and technically she was Katia’s rep first, and now that Katia is in your party, she has a claim. Not a strong one. But, like I said. She’s Bloom, and I am not.”
Bloom was the kua-tin political party that ran Borant. From what little I knew, the party members received much better treatment. That last substitute we’d had, the Mukta guy who’d put us on the Maestro’s show, had been a party member.
“Loita? I’ve heard that name before,” I said. “Isn’t… wasn’t she Hekla’s representative?”
“That’s right. The outreach associates represent the whole party, and since Katia was in Brynhild’s Daughters, she’s making noise that she should be the one in charge of you three. The only thing I have going for me is that you guys pulled in more money than Hekla, for interviews at least.”
I shrugged. “Tell your bosses that Donut is right. We only work with you.” The last thing we needed was some new asshole tossing us on shows like the Maestro’s again. Especially one that probably held a grudge against us because we killed off her client. Zev, as annoying as she could be, attempted to keep us out of trouble with these shows. It rarely worked, but she tried. Plus Donut really liked her. And so did Mordecai.
“I wish it was that simple,” Zev said. “Plus there’s more. Something happened back at home. A bunch of people… I really can’t talk about it. It’s difficult for those of us who aren’t party members. I’m holding on the best I can, guys. But I gotta go. I believe in you. Keep doing what you’ve been doing. Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. They’re going to make your chats public starting tomorrow for people who pay extra. Sorry about that.”
And without another word, she popped and disappeared, splashing more water over the floor.
“That’s just wonderful,” I grumbled.
A note from DoctorHepa
RIP Eddie Van Halen. I know a lot of you guys aren't old enough to appreciate what an influence he had on music, but I was lucky enough to see Van Halen live once. I wish it was more, but it was one of the best concerts of my life. As a musician, it's really hard to see your heroes getting toppled one by one.
* * *
Hello everyone! I hope you're all doing well. If you're new to Royal Road having come here after reading my book on Amazon, and I want to welcome you to the madness where schedules and rules don't matter. Things are crazy and hectic over at the DoctorHepa household, but at least I have hot water now, so I can't complain too much.
I'd like to reiterate my request for everyone to go to Amazon and leave an honest review for Dungeon Crawler Carl. It's the best way to support this story without spending real money.
Chapter 99
The level-25 gnoll bartender’s name was Growler Gary. He was conscious when we re-entered the bar. Barely. He was so drunk he couldn’t sit up.
“They’re all dead. Every last one. Even those ugly-ass, greasy hobgoblin fucks,” he said to us with no introduction.
Donut jumped to the counter and made a face. “This is what happens when you put dogs in control. Disgusting.”
“Not true, your majesty,” the gnoll said up to the ceiling. “Growler Gary tried to help. Fought from the door. The best Gary could do.”
“Aren’t you Growler Gary?” Donut asked.
“They all died,” Growler Gary said.
“So what happened?” I asked. I pushed a few empty bottles away, clearing space on the bar. Everything was sticky.
“We got fucked by the Tangle, that’s what happened,” he said. He suddenly rolled right off the bar and clattered loudly to the floor. He groaned, followed by the clink of glass bottles. I peered over the edge as he blindly rummaged under the bar. He grasped a bottle and pulled it to his mouth, but it was empty. “If you’re looking for dinner, it might be late tonight, folks. You ain’t hobgoblins are you?”
“So the ghouls came and killed everybody?” I asked. The gnoll found a full bottle and struggled to get the top off.
“That’s right,” he said, grunting with the effort. “Growler Gary can’t leave the bar for some reason. Went out there to fight and got stopped right at the door. Jumping Jen-Jen called Growler Gary a coward. But it was like an invisible wall.”
“Why don’t you let hobgoblins in the bar?” Katia asked.
“Have you seen a hobgoblin?” he said. The bottle opened, and he whimpered with happiness, even as half of it spilled onto the floor.
“How was all of this the Tangle’s fault?” I asked.
“Turned the whole thing into a Krakaren nest. The whole damn system. Instead of declaring bankruptcy. Sold us all out. You sure you ain’t hobgoblins? Tried to fight. Wouldn’t let Gary. Then afterwards that woman ripped Gary’s throat out, but Growler Gary didn’t die.”
“He’s gone crazy, Carl,” Donut said. “Typical.”
“Who ripped your throat out?” I asked.
“That woman. Came through and took everything from my brothers and sisters. Then she came in here and grabbed me by the throat and pulled it out. Stole all my alcohol. Didn’t get the stuff under here though. Woke up in a pile of my own blood. Growler Gary ain’t no coward. Fuck Jumping Jen-Jen. Gary would’ve fought. Doorway was like a wall. Not a coward.”
A memory tingled the back of my mind. Something I’d read in my book. I’d read through the NPC chapter earlier, and I was suddenly reminded of a particular passage.
it wouldn’t let us take him from the building. We dragged him out the door, and he exploded and then was reborn. Tried it five times before giving up. Turns out he knew the password to the safe that held the key for the stairwell chamber.
Donut, as if she’d read my mind, asked the relevant question.
Donut: WHY WOULD HE COME BACK TO LIFE?
Carl: In some games, you can’t kill NPCs if they’re necessary to complete quests. I think maybe this is the same thing.
Donut: OR MAYBE HE’S A LIAR. HE’S A DOG. DOGS ARE LIARS.
Carl: Maybe. Let’s find out if he knows or has something.
“I believe you,” I said to Growler Gary. “I believe you’re not a coward.”
The hyena looked up at me, wide eyes registering surprise, as if he just realized I was there. It was awkward talking to him like this, with him on the floor, and me leaning over the bar. His eyes held my own for a moment, and I feared he was about to burst into tears.
“We’re going to stop them,” I continued. “The people who made it so you couldn’t leave and fight are the same people we’re trying to stop. But we need help. Do you think you can help us?”
“I’m useless,” Growler Gary said, using “I” to refer to himself for the first time. “I’m just a bartender. They wouldn’t let me fight. She was so pretty, and she called me a coward. But I tried. I couldn’t leave. And then she died right in front of me. Right outside the door. She died thinking I was afraid.”
“Hey,” Katia said. “Don’t call yourself useless.”
“Why?” he asked. “I am.”
I leaned a little deeper over the bar. “After we’re done here, we’re headed to the end of the line to meet up with some friends who need our help. Is there anything at this station you think could assist us? We’re going to take one of the trains up there, but there are monsters on the tracks. Plus I’m worried about the power. We’re afraid we’re going to get stuck.”
Growler Gary closed his eyes, and I thought for certain he’d passed out again. But then he said, “You could take one of the interdiction team carts. The carts are normally driven by a pair of transit security gnolls and an interdiction repair team of five hobgoblins. Jumping Jen-Jen was a driver. I kept the marrow juice cold just for her. Sometimes they’ll have a second team if the tracks need repair, too. This station services over one hundred different lines. You just dial in the line you want to go to, and the cart goes there. They’re powered by batteries, so they run even if the line is out. Make sure you take a lead car. They got the front portal. Cleans everything up nice and tidy.”