by Leigh Walker
Pain lit up my chest when I thought of my father and my brother, Everett. How long until it was safe for me to see them again? When I got to the castle, I would send them a letter explaining that I was embarking on travels as a Goodwill Ambassador. That would at least buy me some time to adjust to my transformation. They didn’t need to know the truth—at least, not yet…
Eve had assigned a sentinel to protect me from others and from myself. He stayed close as we headed toward the castle entrance, passing several other guards on our way. They bowed to me, keeping their heads down in a show of respect.
I refused to think about the last time I’d addressed the Northerners. I’d been so full of hope about the future. Now I wasn’t even sure what the next few days would bring.
We reached the library, and I paused. The door was closed, but I could hear voices from inside. Tamara said something to Shaye, the fire crackling in the background. I put the palm of my hand on the door, wishing I could see my friends one last time. I didn’t want to leave them.
I couldn’t even say goodbye. I could smell them through the door, rich and intriguing and mouthwatering. Not caring if I looked like a loon, I pinched my nose shut.
I wondered if Beast was in there with them. I yearned to see him again. Austin had been disgusted by gnome blood, but who knew what a wild new vampire might do? I couldn’t put my furry friend at risk.
“My lady.” The sentinel bowed his head. “We should go.”
I nodded and released my nose, but I didn’t inhale until we were far from the door. My limbs felt heavy as we hustled through the hall to the lobby. Even the short distance from the medical ward was too much, or perhaps grief was making me so sluggish. But my spirits lifted when I got outside: a line of SUVs were parked in the drive, waiting to take me to the settlements. Soon, I would be free.
Of course, the prince and his entourage were also traveling. But I didn’t need to think about that. I had no idea if he even knew of my plan. I would keep to myself and slip out of the way as soon as we got to the castle. As far as I was concerned, we never needed to speak again. If he is done with me, so be it.
Eve had said that he felt guilty. Of course, I could understand and forgive that. Turning me was never what he’d wanted to do. But the way he’d abandoned me, the way he couldn’t even bear to look at me…
There was no getting over that.
I headed toward the SUVs. Eve planned to ride with Balkyn and Austin to discuss strategy. As I could in no way withstand sitting in such close quarters with a human, I was on my own for the journey. Figuring Austin would be in front, I ducked into the back of the third car. The driver seemed startled. “Lady Kensington? I didn’t know you were joining us.”
I lifted my chin. “I’m getting a ride with you back to the castle. My time in the North has come to an end.”
The sentinel glanced at me in the rearview mirror. “I’m very sorry to hear it, my lady. We thought you would stay with us for a long while yet.”
“Things have changed, I’m afraid.” I watched as Eve and Balkyn came out and headed down the front steps of the castle. Even from where I sat, ensconced in the back of the car, I could smell Balkyn’s blood. It was heavenly, like angel kisses and fettuccine Alfredo and the plumpest chocolate croissant of my dreams all mixed together.
“Holy hell.” I locked the car doors.
The driver glanced at me, but I studiously ignored him. No use making a scene. I clamped my hands over my nose and mouth just in case. Even if I looked crazy, it was better than the alternative.
“Are you quite all right?” the driver asked.
I took my hand off my face long enough to answer him. “Y-Yes.” Balkyn and Eve got into the first car, and I breathed a sigh of relief—his smell was muffled at least. How on earth did Eve bear it?
A dozen sentinels came out of the castle with luggage and weapons. They packed everything carefully, talking to the guards who were staying behind, getting everything settled. Finally, it was time to go.
Then the prince himself came out. He descended the stairs and headed straight toward our vehicle. The driver unlocked the doors.
“Bloody hell.”
The driver blinked at me in the rearview mirror. “Are you quite sure you’re all right, my lady?”
“I’m just bloody great.” I wanted to curse some more, but Austin opened the door. He stuck his head in, gaping at me. “Blake, what on earth?”
“I thought you were driving with Eve.”
He glowered at me. “And I thought you were in the medical ward, resting.”
I lifted my chin. “I need a ride to the settlements, not a lecture or yet another cold shoulder, my lord.”
“Fine.” He winced as he climbed in. “I suppose it’s the least I can do.”
I opened my door—I couldn’t bear to be near him, to hear him say things that made it sound as though what we had was already in the past. “I will take another vehicle. There’s no need for us to carpool.” But as I stepped out of the car, the first SUV pulled out of the drive, followed by the second. We were next.
“Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll avoid speaking to you if you wish.” Austin tugged on my sleeve.
I glared at him. “That’s the first time you’ve touched me in days.”
Austin cursed under his breath.
Boy, this driver’s getting an earful!
“Get in the car, Blake. We need to leave. My father is waiting for us.”
I bit back a retort, staring straight ahead as I sat down. Austin rolled up the privacy screen.
“You don’t need to do that,” I said. “We’ve nothing to talk about.”
He raked a hand through his hair. “Blake—”
“I mean it, Austin.”
He sighed. “One thing. Do you have any provisions? You will need to keep your strength up on our journey.”
I gave him a small nod. “Eve packed a cooler for me. It’s in the trunk. So I am fine, thank you very much.”
Austin got out of the car without another word. When he climbed back in, he had the cooler. He prepared a drink and handed it to me without looking in my direction.
I didn’t thank him. He didn’t say anything else. We both stared straight ahead.
This is going to be a long ride.
We’d only driven for an hour when I heard a howl.
Austin put the screen down. “Stop the car. I need to speak to Rhys.” The driver pulled over to the side of the road, which was overgrown with brush. He contacted the other drivers, and they also slowly pulled their SUVs to the shoulder.
Austin climbed out of the car without a word. Because I no longer feared my mortal frailty, I hopped out, too.
“What are you doing?” he hissed.
“Making sure you don’t get snuck up on.” But sentinels approached from the nearest cars, forming a protective shield around the prince.
“I’ll be fine.” Austin’s face softened. “Please get back in the car. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Fine.” But I slammed the door behind me. The pleading tone in his voice wasn’t the reason I obeyed—I just didn’t want to start a fight in front of his army.
I concentrated on listening to Austin as he traveled a short way into the forest. We vampires were supposed to be able to hear things a good distance away. I was eager to test this new power. I closed my eyes and opened my ears.
“Rhys,” the prince said, “I thought you were going to stay back.”
“I’ve left a good team, Your Highness. But if you are going to fight to protect the settlements, so are we.”
Austin went quiet for a moment. “I appreciate the offer—more than you know. But I don’t know if it’s safe for you in the settlements. My father has been resistant to sharing Northern secrets with the settlers.”
“We’ll stick to the woods,” Rhys said. “The rebels have done enough damage. It’s time we work together to end this once and for all.”
“That means a lot.”
Rhys clapped him on the shoulder. “It meant everything to me that you deeded us land. That was what I’ve waited for, what I’ve wanted for so long. You have my loyalty, Your Highness. I’ll never stray again.”
“Then take your pack, and follow the trails through the woods. Wait until I send word from the castle. I will speak with my father then send for you.”
“One last thing,” Rhys said. “You haven’t spoken about her—the girl. Does she live?” He sniffed the air. “I can’t smell her.”
“She was hurt quite badly. I… I turned her. She took to it. She’s going to be fine.”
“Well, that’s good news, isn’t it?”
“She lives.” Austin’s voice was flat. “She will not speak to me, but she lives.”
“Not the reaction I was expecting, but I suppose these things take a bit of adjusting.”
Austin didn’t say anything more, and Rhys strode off. I could hear his bare feet padding across the underbrush of the forest. “See you in the settlements.”
“See you in the settlements,” Austin answered.
But like most things at the moment, Austin didn’t sound too happy about it.
Chapter 20
No Tears Left To Cry
“Why aren’t you happy about the werewolves joining the fight?”
Austin frowned. “How did you know about that?”
I pointed to my ears. “I’m a vampire now, remember?”
“Of course, I remember.” Austin slumped against the seat, staring out the window.
“So? About the werewolves?”
He sighed. “I thought you weren’t speaking to me.”
“I’m not, but this isn’t about anything personal. It’s about strategy.”
“Fine.” He faced me. “I don’t want them to join us because I don’t want to owe Rhys anything else.”
“Do you think he’ll ask for more land?”
“Oh, I know he’ll ask for more land. That’s not the problem.”
I waited for him to continue.
“I made a vow, Blake. He stole you from me, and I promised to punish him for it. What sort of leader am I if I don’t honor my word?”
“A smarter one than you are right now, I’d say.”
His jaw dropped. “I beg your pardon?”
“You need as many allies as you can get. And the ones you keep are the most precious.” I poured myself another cup of blood. Being hungry was not helping my attitude. “I would say it’s time to evolve past the notion that keeping vows is your most important goal.” I ran my gaze up his uniform to his tense lined face. “There are things that are more important. Like loyalty.”
His eyes flashed. “Are we done talking now?”
“We are done in all sorts of ways, Your Highness.” I turned back to the window. If he wasn’t going to listen to reason, what was the point?
Although I refused to speak to him, His Highness’s close proximity kept him firmly in my thoughts. How did we get to such an impasse? I felt as though there were a glacier between us, radiating unbearable cold.
I sniffed the air. It didn’t smell like cold. It smelled like Austin—that heady, earthy scent that I loved. I would have pinched my nose shut again, but I didn’t want to field questions about it.
But his smell reminded me of so many things. Try as I might, I couldn’t stop the flood of memories. The first time I’d met him, at the palace, he announced that he wanted to meet the loons who would marry his brother. Oh, that seemed like a lifetime ago! He’d asked me to stand up to better inspect me—he’d never seen a woman as tall as me before.
I remembered that day so clearly—the sun on my face, the way I’d felt when I’d first seen Austin. He’d had his shirt off and was sparring with a guard. I’d quite needed to fan myself. I remembered telling Gwyneth later that I’d never had a physical reaction like that to someone before. She told me Austin was opposed to her engagement to Dallas because she was a human.
I should have known then to stay away. I was human, after all. But no—I had to go and fall in love. And look at us now. I was a newly turned, clueless vampire who’d almost died from a rock to the head. The prince mulled his options about killing the werewolf leader who’d just pledged his loyalty—and all because of an old grudge, one that hardly mattered anymore.
Austin had vowed to kill Rhys because of me. What was the point? It was the same me who was sitting next to him, the one he couldn’t stand to look at.
I leaned forward to the driver. “How much longer?”
“Not too far now. Just another few hours.”
I grimaced as I sat back against the seat. I stole a glance at Austin. He had his head back and was staring at the ceiling.
Oh, that iciness between us. Before, it had always been heat. I thought of the ball Austin had thrown, a proper Northern party. How we’d danced that night! I could still feel his hands on me and the way he’d held me so protectively as we twirled endlessly around the dance floor. Then we’d swum in the pond in the moonlight, and I’d finally been able to put my hands on that glorious chest of his—
“Blake. You should drink more.” Austin put another cup into my hands.
I nodded and took a sip. The blood soothed me, making me feel stronger, making the tugging of the memories abate.
He peered at me. “I know we’re not speaking, but may I ask—are you feeling all right?”
“It’s getting better.” I turned away. I was sure these things took time. All of them.
But as I stared out the window at the overgrown forest, the flood of happy memories swept over me again. I’d expected, as a vampire, to be devoid of such humanness. But apparently, that wasn’t the case. Scene after scene played in my mind, washing over me like a wave I couldn’t escape.
Austin letting me keep Beast.
Austin showing me his basketball court. How proud he’d been! He was thrilled to share it with me, as if he were a little boy showing me his most beloved toy.
Austin losing at basketball. That might be my favorite.
Austin telling me that he loved me, saying that I was perfect just the way I was and that he wouldn’t change a hair on my head.
I relived every minute of our last night together, when he’d held me against him and I’d fallen asleep in his arms. He was the only person I’d ever let into my bed, who’d ever held me like that.
He was the only one I’d ever wanted.
His hand was spread out against the leather seat. Part of me—the sad part, the part that wanted to take up residence on Memory Lane—longed to reach out and hold it. I’d thought that we would always be together. And now that my life had changed and forever meant something else entirely, we had never been further apart.
I suddenly felt very lonely. Loneliness meant something different when you put it in the context of eternity. I turned back to the window so that he wouldn’t see me cry. When we got to the palace, I would hide away. It wouldn’t hurt this badly if I never saw him again. Then I could just remember the happy times, of which there were many. Maybe someday he would forgive himself for what he’d done. And then, perhaps, he could forgive me.
We spent another grueling, silent hour until finally, the brush around the side of the roads began to lessen. “We must be getting closer.”
“It won’t be long now.” Austin’s tone was impossible to interpret.
I glanced at him. “D’you hate me now?” The words tumbled out before I could stop them.
“Blake.” His face crumpled. “I could never hate you.”
“It feels as though you do.”
He put his hand over mine. “Never.”
“Well, that’s good.” I withdrew my hand, not wanting to ask more of him. I couldn’t bear to feel his skin against mine—it made me ache. “I can at least live with that.” I tried to keep my chin up. I refused to cry anymore.
“Blake, look at me.”
I turned toward him, careful to keep my emotions in check.
“I could never ha
te you.” His gaze, so familiar and dear to me, burned into mine. “I hate myself for what I did to you.”
I took a moment to compose my response. “If I’d been able to speak at the time, I would’ve asked you to change me. I wasn’t ready to…say goodbye. You might not have known, but I was aware of what was happening. You did exactly as I wished.”
His face softened. “You are more kind than I deserve.”
“Austin. I do not understand you.”
“I promised you, Blake—I promised to protect you with my life. Yet I am the one who put you at risk. I asked you to help with the prisoner, and she turned on you. You were helping me. You were, I understand, trying to help her. All of your light and goodness—everything that I love about you—was used against you.” His voice cracked. “And then I sealed your fate by ending your life.”
The prince put his face in his hands. “I told you before that you were perfect and that I would not dare anger the gods by changing you. But in the end, I was too selfish. I could not bear to live in a world without you.”
“Then why have you cast me out?” I cried. “I am sitting right next to you, Your Highness, yet it’s as though you’re a million miles from me. I have only wanted you by my side during this difficult time. Again—I do not understand you!”
“You believe me foolish for taking my vows so seriously.” He looked at me in anguish. “But that is how I live my life, Blake. My word is all I have. The fact that I’ve failed you again—you, who I love more than anyone—has brought me to a place of great despair. If I cannot trust myself to protect the one I love the most, what good am I as a leader or a man? It would only be what I deserve if you turn away from me.”
I shook my head. “But I haven’t done that.”
He roughly wiped his face. “I found you holed up inside this car, sneaking away from the North without even saying goodbye.”