by YD La Mar
That was so scary! I’m crying and shaking from what just happened, and I think I feel my monster put his hand on my back. I wipe my face on his cloak and hug him tighter. I don’t like this place at all.
“I want to wake up now.”
I’m tangled in my sheets when I wake up. I swear I can still feel my monster’s hand touching the back of my head. The sun is shining through my window. I wonder how long I was asleep?
REESE - 12 years old
Dad slept in my bed again.
In my innocence, I told myself that he couldn’t control it because he was asleep. The few nights he’s slept in my bed brought the same thing, though. How can you have the same dream every night?
I never have the same nightmare more than twice, so that’s how I knew Daddy was pretending to be asleep so I would let him do that to me. I don’t understand what’s going on. I wish my monster was here with me because I’m getting a little scared.
“Reese, shhh baby, shhh. You make Daddy feel so good. Just be a good girl for me.” I can’t say anything even if I wanted to because tonight he climbs on top of me and puts his hand over my mouth. I’m getting really scared. Where is my monster? I need him.
He smells funny again, but not like another woman. My eyes are watering and I’m so scared. Daddy feels too heavy, it’s hard to breathe. Every time I breathe in, all I smell is the alcohol on his breath.
Maybe if I close my eyes, he’ll be done soon. He’s rubbing his hardness against me and I just want him to get off of me. I don’t like the way it makes me feel. But what if he gets mad at me? I’m supposed to be a good girl. I always try to be a good girl.
When Daddy takes off my sleeping shorts, I try to scream, but I can’t because his hand pushes against my lips even harder. I don’t know what’s happening and my tears are blurring my eyes. Something hard is shoved inside of me and it really hurts, it feels like I’m being ripped in two. I scream and scream until I can’t anymore…
I don’t feel like talking.
Mama has been trying to get me to talk to her about what’s going on at school. I don’t know. I just don’t feel like being around people. The closer it comes to time to go home, I’m mad and I’m anxious. I don’t want to see Daddy and at the same time, I do.
Daddy’s attention makes me feel proud. But what he does to me in my bedroom makes me feel scared. I don’t understand why I feel that way at the same time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m too scared to tell Mama. So I just stay quiet.
Daddy isn’t coming home smelling funny anymore. He comes home earlier these days too. I think me being a good girl is helping. I’m trying really hard. I’m doing it for Mama because I don’t want them to fight anymore. Ever since that night a few nights ago, Daddy and Mama don’t yell at each other anymore. Daddy’s a little happier. I’m glad I can make him happy. It’s what a good girl is supposed to do, right? So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I’m doing something wrong?
“May I be excused from the table, please?” I don’t know what Mama has been talking about, so I can’t answer the way she wants me to. I don’t want her to be mad at me, so I think it’s better I go to my room. I should catch up on my homework, anyway.
“...Sure, sweetheart.” She has a confused look on her face, but I don’t know what to say to make her understand. I don’t understand it myself.
I’m running up the stairs before my mama can stop me. She looked like she wanted to say more. But I just can’t right now. I don’t know what to say and I don’t want her to be worried.
Closing the door to my room, I let out a deep breath. I haven’t been sleeping well since Daddy’s been coming into my room.
Maybe I should take a quick nap before I start on my homework. That would probably clear my head and make me feel better.
Taking off my sneakers and pants, I straighten my shoes on the floor by my closet door so I know where they are in case I need them. You never know. I’ve been trying to clean up my room so I can always find what I need when I need it. My clothes are always folded or hung up. No more clothes on the closet floor. My old toys have been neatly tucked away in color-coordinated bins under my bed. My flashlight stays inside the drawer of my nightstand.
Once the shoes are straightened and right, dirty clothes in the hamper, I slip under my sheets, hug my pillow to my head and close my eyes.
I’ve been here before. Everything is clear and everything is a little fuzzy. The screams and cries echo down the hallway. I’ve been here before, but not in this exact room. The room is bigger, but just as hot as the other one. There is a large chair on top of a stone slab.
I walk around the chair to get a better look at it. It’s dark and grey, like everything else in this room. It kind of looks like it’s made of bones, but that can’t be right. Bones are whiter, I think? These are so dark grey. Even if bones get dirty, they don’t look like this, right?
I’m bending at the waist to get a better look without getting up on the stone slab when I feel someone come up behind me. My butt feels cold, so I know who it is. It’s my monster. He likes to sneak up behind me to scare me, but he doesn’t scare me. I’m glad he’s here.
I slowly straighten up, turn around, and tilt my head back to look at him. He still hasn’t talked to me since I first met him, but I’m getting used to it now. I don’t feel like talking today either. Letting out a deep breath, I take a step towards him and bury my face in his body. I’m glad he’s here. I needed a hug and I don’t know if I can ask for one from my mama. Things just aren’t the same anymore. I don’t know how I feel or how I’m supposed to feel.
My monster takes a while, but eventually, he brings one of his arms up to hug me back. At least that’s what I tell myself. For all I know, he’s trying to give me the hint that he’s had enough.
The thought makes me sad and confused all over again. The tears that come out of me confuse me even more. What are they for? Am I mad? Am I sad? Am I frustrated? Am I everything at the same time? My mind is probably melting down from all the confusion.
Pulling my head back, I look into his hood. I still can’t see anything, but my heart feels full and tight. What is this feeling? This is new. I’ve never felt this before. My heart is beating faster, but why? It feels like butterflies have taken flight in my stomach and it’s strange.
My monster shoves me off his body and turns to walk away from me. What did I do? Is he mad at me? Everyone is always upset with me.
“Wait! I’m sorry! I-I-I just need you.” My monster stops, but he doesn’t turn around. What do I do? I can’t lose him. What would I do without him? How do I find my way?
“You’re my monster...I missed you.” I’ve never spoken truer words, and the thought strikes me in the heart. Have I ever missed my mama or daddy as much as I missed my monster? It’s a strange thought.
He turns his head around to look at me, still not saying a word.
A few minutes later he raises his hand towards me and I wake up tangled in my sheets, blinking my eyes furiously, trying to understand how I got back in my room.
REESE - 15 years old
The boys in school are a bunch of idiots. I can’t stand this place. Senior year needs to get here pronto. I try to stay as far away from them as I can because I’m tired of the taunts. I’m a late bloomer and all the other girls around me make me look even more like a boy. Not only is my chest still flat, but my hips also haven’t come in either.
Mama tells me that my time will come and that she was a late bloomer too. I try to let that thought comfort me, but it doesn’t help when the girls join in on the taunts.
I’m walking down one of the outside walkways that connect two of our buildings on my way to lunch break when it happens.
Something hard hits the back of my head with a wet sound. Tears are pricking my eyes and I’m trying hard to hold in my emotions right now because I did not just get a fucking tomato thrown at me. There’s still half a day of school to get through.
“Fl
at as a board and she takes a shot like one too. Dayum Reese. You sure you’re not a boy? Why don’t you join us on the football team and help us take some hits?” The guys around him are laughing it up like he’s fucking funny when he’s not.
I hurry to the closest restroom when I reach the next building as everyone around me is laughing at what happened. Once the door is shut behind me, I let my tears fall. Fuck this. Fuck all of them. It’s a good thing I wear black most of the time because that would suck if all the evidence was still visible for anyone to see when I walk to the rest of my classes. Not like the whole school doesn’t know by now. Gossip flies fast as a bitch around here because it’s a small town. Doesn’t help that I’m one of the favorite topics, especially because my dad has become known as the ‘town drunk’ a few years ago.
I have to tilt my head pretty far down into the small as hell sink to wash away the remnants of the tomato. There’s barely enough room, but I manage. Fuckers. All of them. Especially Cameron.
“Hey, Reese. What are you doing tonight?” How stupid does he think I am? I walk faster to my next class. This one is on the far end of campus in a whole different building. Whoever did my schedule has it out for me, I just know it.
“Fuck off, Cameron. I don’t have time for your stupidity today.” I need to dodge Cameron the next time I walk to class. Looking at how his long strides catch up with me quickly, I’m probably shit out of luck in that regard.
“Ouch. I’ve never been turned down like that before. Come on, Reese, you know it’s all fun and games. I’m serious right now, I want to take you out.” Right. He needs a damn Oscar for his skill in lying.
“Fuck you.”
He grabs my upper arm in his big hand and turns me around, caging me into the wall nearby. What the fuck?
“Come on, Reese. Just give me a chance. I’ll make it good for you.” I’m scared and I’m angry right now. Angry that I let this fucker get the upper hand.
Instead of giving him a damn answer, I go to kick him, but he’s quicker. He dodges my leg, grabs both my hands and turns me around to slam my face against the wall. I see fucking stars and I’m still pissed. He’s got at least a hundred pounds on me, and I don’t know how to break a hold in this position. My tears are welling up in my eyes because I hate being a victim.
He moves both of my hands in one of his as he dry humps me from behind. The arm he has up against the wall hides what he’s doing to me. He chuckles into my ear and I just want to scream. I should, but I know for a damn fact no one is going to come and help because they never fucking do.
Cameron kisses the back of my neck and puts his dirty hand down the front of my pants, swiping his finger across my pussy and that’s when I cry. After laughing again, out loud this time, he shoves my head against the wall before leaving me falling to my knees there in a daze, breaking down on the inside at what just happened.
The memory makes my eyes burn because the previous night right before that incident was the first time Daddy taught me what ‘good girls are supposed to do’ on their knees. He was drunk and snuck into my room again. After ripping my innocence from me, these last few years have made me numb. I started wearing more black, first to cover the bruises daddy would leave on my body when he would get kind of rough, now because it’s just another thing I’ve gotten used to. The smell of whiskey on Daddy’s breath that night still burns my nose as he whispered ‘good girl’ into my ear once he was done with me.
I slam open the restroom door, causing it to crash against the wall and walk out as fast as I can. I hate feeling like a victim. It’s like I can’t come to school to escape, and I can’t go home to escape. There aren't too many places I can go to find any sort of peace or solitude, except for my dreams.
My monster has been acting weird too. I don’t know how to explain it. He used to let me cling to him, to hug him for comfort. Now he pushes me away, and it makes me mad. I hate being mad and helpless all the time. I finally came to understand what I felt that day I napped after I came home from school. It was the day my monster forced me awake.
I like him, a lot. I’ve never felt this way for anyone before.
One day during lunch while I was sitting alone at one of the metal grated tables, I heard some girls talking nearby. They were gossiping about hot guys until they started specifying the ones they were interested in. All the feelings they described having for their crushes sounded just like what I was feeling when I was around my monster. It’s kind of sad I have to resort to eavesdropping to understand things like this, but Mama is the only other example I have and my parent’s love for each other is not a normal one. If they even love each other at all.
“Every time Mason walks by, it gives me goosebumps. He’s so cute! I get butterflies in my stomach and my tongue feels tied in knots.” The girls are practically screeching and giggling under their breaths.
“Oh, my god! Me too! When Richard is near me, I just want to sigh and give him dreamy eyes. He’s so damn cute! This one time, I dropped my pencil, and he picked it up before I could. When he handed it to me, I swear his smile was just for me. I just wanted to grab him, squeeze him and rub myself all over him, he’s so hot!” Is that how I feel about my monster?
“Right? My heart feels like it just wants to explode out of my chest and rain confetti on him.” Okay, maybe these girls are not the greatest source of information. Dramatic much?
The girls continue to giggle and continue to compare feelings over the two boys. I sit and listen intently because isn’t that kind of how I feel when I’m with my monster? I love his hugs. I miss his hugs. My chest feels tight and my stomach feels funny everywhere inside when I look at him.
I’m not sure how I can make him see that what I feel is real. Heck, I still don’t even know his name. He never talks to me, but he’s always been there for me since I can remember. He’s much bigger than Daddy, and that thought made me squeeze my legs together while I sat and continued to listen to the girls near me that day.
But today, today is not my day. This tomato ordeal has put me in the shittiest of moods. When I finally make it to my class, I sit in the far back so no one can stare at the back of my head. Despite my long hair being wet, I braided it back so it wouldn’t be so obvious. It’s a good thing I have black hair; I don’t think you can tell too much of a difference from it being dry or wet from afar. I’m known as a loner in school, so sitting back here shouldn’t make the teacher question too much about it.
The day goes by in a blur, all the teachers sounding like the ones in that cartoon with the round headed kid and I’m glad for it. I’m doing okay in my classes and I’m not here to aim for high scores. I just want to survive and get out of this place.
I took a different route walking to the rest of my classes, weaving different directions, taking longer ways and was able to avoid Cameron. I was almost late a few times, but it was worth it.
When I get home, I see the sticky note on the fridge Mama left for me. She’s out grocery shopping, doing mom stuff. She’s been happier these days, and that makes me happy. But I’m not happy that it’s probably because Daddy has been spending more time with me at night teaching me how to ‘be a good girl’ for him.
I still haven’t told Mama anything about what’s going on. Every time I think to try, I remember the nights she would get into a fit of rage when Daddy came home smelling like another woman. I don’t want her to be mad at me. I don’t want to jinx the peace we have going on at home. The quicker I do what Daddy wants, the faster he leaves my room. The happier he is, the happier Mama is.
With the house to myself, I run upstairs to my room, close my door and take off my clothes. After rearranging my shoes on the floor and putting everything where it needs to be, I crawl under my sheets and creep my hands between my legs.
I only started discovering myself last year after Daddy left the room. I had fallen asleep and found my monster in my dreams. I hugged him before he could push me away first, and it felt so right to be with him again. I mis
sed him terribly. He eventually pushed me away, but my heart had started racing before he did, making it tingle between my legs. I was caught by surprise and a deep feeling of want came over me. It made me sad when he put distance between us, but I could never look at him the same again. It was the first night I woke up, finding my fingers between my folds, finding myself wet. Now every time I think of him, my legs squeeze together.
I’m going to steal this moment to myself thinking about my monster. He’s so much bigger than Daddy, I wonder if he’s big all over. My fingers circle my nub over my pussy and I shiver. I wonder if he thinks of me the way I think of him? I’m not the same little girl anymore. Gosh, I’m so wet.
I’ve never stuck my fingers inside of myself before, I’ve only played with my nub or whatever it’s called. I wonder if it feels good? Sometimes what Daddy does to me makes me feel good, but then I would feel bad after. What if it’s like that? I don’t want it to feel bad when I’m thinking about my monster. I decide to just keep circling my fingers down there. I’m getting hot and my breathing is getting deeper. Just imagining my monster climb over my body, I feel close to the edge. I wonder what his kisses would feel like? I’ve never been kissed before. I don’t even know what his face looks like, and that makes me hotter. A few more circles and I whimper from the sensation overtaking me. My pussy feels like it’s trying to grip something that’s not there, and that thought makes me miss my monster.