Located in the greatest doctrinal book of the Bible is a paragraph of intensely practical instruction. It is, in fact, a series of commands that, if obeyed, will turn us into some of the most affirming people imaginable.
Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and curse not. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. (Rom. 12:9-17)
In a nutshell, those words represent the essence of authentic Christianity. Unless I miss my guess, I think every person who knows and loves Jesus Christ would respond to that list in words similar to these: "I would love to be like that. What a list of resolutions to claim at the beginning of every new year. My relationships with others would immediately improve. How I would wish all these things were true of me!"
Why don't we treat one another as the Lord instructs us to? Why do we love with such hypocrisy? What keeps us from being devoted to one another, from honoring one another, from contributing to each other's needs, from practicing hospitality? When others are promoted or receive special recognition, or
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are able to enjoy a few luxuries we may not have, why don't we applaud their success and rejoice with them? Why do we pay back evil for evil, even though we know that retaliation will only create greater barriers? The list of why questions could continue for another page. The inescapable fact is that more often than not we nullify grace rather than magnify it. We resist it much more often than we release it. What is it within us that hinders an attitude of horizontal grace from flowing freely?
I have thought about that for many months. While thinking, I have not only examined my own life, I have also observed others, most of them Christians. My findings have not been pleasant, but they are revealing and I think reliable. Most of us fall short when it comes to letting others be because of two strong and very human tendencies: We compare ourselves with others (which leads us to criticize or compete with them) and we attempt to control others (which results in our manipulating or intimidating them). For a few moments, let's dissect and examine both of those tendencies that keep grace from awakening.
To Compare
Christians seem especially vulnerable when it comes to comparison. For some reason, which I cannot fully discern, we are uneasy with differences. We prefer sameness, predictability, common interests. If someone thinks differently or makes different choices than we do, prefers different entertainment, wears different clothing, has different tastes and opinions, or enjoys a different style of life, most Christians get nervous. We place far too much weight on externals and the importance of appearances, and not nearly enough on individuality and variety. We have "acceptable norms" in which we are able to move freely and allow others the freedom to do so. But heaven help the poor soul who steps beyond those bounds!
We compare musical tastes. We compare financial incomes. We compare marital status. We compare spirituality on the basis of externals. If an individual appreciates hymns and
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mellow songs, fine. If another prefers jazz or rock, watch out. If someone makes about as much money as we do (or less), we feel comfortable, relaxed, and accepting. If they make a great deal of money, drive a luxury car or two, own their own airplane or a summer home, or take extensive vacations, we consider them extravagant . . . even though we know next to nothing of their giving habits. If someone is married, has several well-disciplined and intelligent children (like ours!), we enjoy being around them. They are "in." If a person is living alone, divorced, or is a single parent, or has never gotten married, well—"something must be wrong with him (or her)." Actually, the only thing wrong is the comparison!
Who wrote the "let's compare" rulebook? Will you please show me from Scripture where God is pleased with such negative attitudes? Why can't a person be spiritual and enjoy expressions of music or art totally different from those you like? Who says it is carnal to have nice things or enjoy a few extravagant luxuries, especially if one's generosity is also extravagant? Why can't people drive any car they can afford or vacation anywhere they please or live in whatever size home they enjoy or wear whatever clothing they prefer? Just because you or I can't or don't choose to or would prefer not to doesn't mean others can't or shouldn't. Comparison fuels the fire of envy within people. It prompts the tendency to judge ... it makes us prejudiced people. The worst part of all is that it nullifies grace. It was never God's intention for all His children to look alike or embrace identical lifestyles. Look at the natural world He created. What variety! The buzzard and the butterfly .. . the dog and the deer ... the zinnia and the orchid ... the wriggling minnow and the sleek shark.
The church is not a religious industry designed to turn out mass-produced reproductions on an assembly line. The Bible wasn't written to change us into cookie-cutter Christians or paper-doll saints. On the contrary, the folks I read about in the Book are as different as Rahab and Esther, one a former prostitute and the other a queen ... as unusual as Amos and
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Stephen, fig-picker turned prophet and deacon who became a martyr. Variety honors God, predictability and mediocrity bore Him. And if there is proof that He prefers differences, take a look down the long hall of fame in church history. Some of those folks would never have been welcome in most evangelical churches today: "too extreme . . . too eccentric . . . too liberal!" Can you imagine fiery John Knox in one of today's sophisticated pulpits? Or how about Martin Luther on television! You're smiling if you are familiar with the man's uninhibited, provocative style. He was the one who once admitted that he never preached better than when he was angry.
Before we will be able to demonstrate sufficient grace to let others be, we'll have to get rid of this legalistic tendency to compare. (Yes, it is a form of legalism.) God has made each one of us as we are. He is hard at work shaping us into the image He has in mind. His only pattern (for character) is His Son. He wants each one of us to be unique ... an individual blend and expression unlike any other person. That is by His design. There is only one you. There is only one me.- And the same can be said of each member of His family.
Legalism requires that we all be alike, unified in convictions and uniform in appearance, to which I say, "Let me out!" Grace finds pleasure in differences, encourages individuality, smiles on variety, and leaves plenty of room for disagreement. Remember, it releases others and lets them be, to which I say, "Let me in!" I agree with and often quote the old saying, "Comparisons are odious." Not until we put a stop to them will horizontal grace flourish in the body.
To Control
Another attitude worth changing (if we hope to promote The Grace Awakening in our generation) is the tendency to control others. I find this especially prevalent among those who find their security in religious rigidity. They get their way by manipulating and intimidating. They use fear tactics, veiled threats,
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and oblique hints to get their way. If you have ever been around a controller, you know exactly what I'm trying to describe. Most often, controllers are insecure in themselves and do not know the first principle of being free, so naturally they are uneasy with your or my being free. Hence, they issue demands and force their will on others in no uncertain terms. You're not around controllers very long before you know it. Subtlety is not their long suit, which can be very intimidating.
I'm reminded of a dialogue between a couple of comic strip characters. One is sitting alone, watching television. In storms the o
ther, demanding that he change the channel to the one she wants to watch, threatening him with her fat little fist in his face. Rather meekly he asks her what makes her think she can walk in and take over. She blurts out: "These five fingers!" which she tightens into a fist. It works. Without a word the little guy responds by asking which channel she prefers.
Naturally, she gets to watch any channel she wants. Slowly, he slips out of the room, feeling like a wimp. He looks at his own five fingers and asks, "Why can't you guys get organized like that?"
Controllers win by intimidation. Whether physical or verbal, they bully their way in as they attempt to manipulate us into doing their will. In Christian circles controllers usually are more insidious than the strong-willed little gal was with her wimpy friend. But they are equally determined, count on it. Whatever the method, controlling, like comparing, nullifies grace. If you are given to controlling others, grace is a foreign concept to you.
FOUR BIBLICAL GUIDELINES THAT MAGNIFY GRACE
Enough about things that nullify grace. What we want most is to magnify it . . . promote it . . . release it, right?
In his letter to the Romans, Paul goes into great detail
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regarding the issue of personal freedom—greater detail than almost anywhere else in his writings. In the fourteenth chapter, for example, he sets forth four very practical guidelines that can be followed by all who are serious about releasing others in grace. My hope is that we not only learn what they are but, equally important, that we spend our days following them.
The first guideline is based on Romans 14:1-4:
Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions. One man has faith that he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats vegetables only. Let not him who eats regard with contempt him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and stand he will, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
Since we have already dealt with the issue of eating meat from a carcass offered to idols, there is no reason for me to explain the background again. But perhaps I should repeat the question that arose from the controversy: Should a Christian eat it or not? Some had no problem whatsoever, while others thought it was wrong to do so, feeling that the one who ate it would be spiritually contaminated by the association with pagan worship. Let's see how this situation can relate to magnifying grace:
Guideline 1: Accepting others is basic to letting them be. The problem was not a meat problem, it was a love problem, an acceptance problem. It still is. How often we restrict our love by making it conditional: "If you will (or won't), then I will accept you." Paul starts there: "Accept one another!" In other words, "Let's allow each other the freedom to hold to convictions that are unlike our own . . . and accept them in spite of that difference." Those who didn't eat (called here "weak in faith") were exhorted to accept and not judge those who ate.
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And those who ate were exhorted to accept and not regard with contempt those who did not eat. The secret lies in accepting one another. All of this is fairly easy to read so long as I stay on the issue of eating meat. That one is safe because it isn't a current taboo. It's easy to accept those folks today because they don't exist!
How about those in our life who may disagree with us on issues that are taboos in evangelical Christian circles today? Here are a few:
Going to the movies or live theater
Wearing cosmetics
Playing cards
Watching television
Going to the beach
Not having a "quiet time" every morning or at least every day
Going to a restaurant that sells liquor
Wearing certain clothing
Driving certain cars
Wearing certain jewelry
Listening to certain music
Dancing . . . square, ballroom, disco—whatever
Holding a certain job
Wearing your hair a certain way (assuming you have hair)
Having lovely and elegant possessions
Getting a face lift
Drinking coffee
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• Eating certain foods
• Working out in leotards
There are a dozen other things I could list, some of which would make you smile. But believe me, in various areas of our country or the world some or all of these things may be taboo, and if you cross that boundary, may God help you continue on in the church you're attending. Probably someone will say something. If not, you will be pounced upon by looks and reactionary treatment, revealing attitudes that lack grace. We are masters at that. If you hope to "survive," you had better learn the rules—fast. But don't assume that all areas are identical when it comes to taboos. The list changes from culture to culture even to this day.
I read this past week about a pastors' conference where a group of German Lutherans had gathered. Part of their reception included serving beer. No one thought anything of it because in that culture a mug of beer is absolutely accepted. But if one of the men lit up a cigar, the place would go up in smoke! Strange, isn't it? They shouldn't smoke, but if they choose to enjoy a swig of beer, no problem.
I know of churches where you are frowned on if you go to live theater or attend a movie, no matter what the rating is. Members of these congregations even spy out those places. But some of those same people will sit up late into the night and watch movies on television. Some even have cable TV and may watch movies that are far worse than those at the theaters. Funny, to me movies are movies, no matter where they are viewed. But not to these folks!
One of my favorite stories comes from a man who used to be in our church. He and his wife were close friends of our family, but they have now moved to another part of the country. We really miss their joyful presence. When he was a youth worker many years ago in an ethnic community, he attended a church that had Scandinavian roots. Being a
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rather forward-looking and creative young man, he decided he would show the youth group a missionary film. We're talking simple, safe, black-and-white religious-oriented movie. That film projector hadn't been off an hour before a group of the leaders in the church called him in and asked him about what he had done. They asked, "Did you show the young people a film?" In all honesty he responded, "Well, yeah, I did." "We don't like that," they replied. Without trying to be argumentative, the youth worker reasoned, "Well, I remember that at the last missionary conference, our church showed slides—" One of the church officers put his hand up signaling him to cease talking. Then, in these words, he emphatically explained the conflict: "If it's still, fine. If it moves, sin n You can show slides, but when they start movin', you're gettin' into sin. My friend crossed the invisible line and got his hand slapped. He and I still laugh about the incongruity of that logic, but he does not look down on those leaders for their different understanding. (Remember, our goal is acceptance, the basis of a grace state of mind.)
Paul mentions the two most common reactions to such conflicts in Romans 14. First he says, "Let not him who eats regard with contempt him who does not . . ." (v. 3). The words regard with contempt mean "regard as nothing, utterly despise, to discount entirely." That is the normal response of those who feel the freedom to do whatever toward those who are more restrictive and rigid. It is easy to look down on them ... to "regard as nothing."
The second reaction Paul mentions is that of the other side—"and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats." Judging means to criticize, to view negatively, to make assumptions that are exaggerated and erroneous and even damaging to character. No matter how strongly you may feel about a certain taboo, judging another who may disagree with you is going too far. That kind of thing has been going on for years, actually, ever since the first century.
William Barclay writes:
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The Jews had made a tyranny of the Sabbath, surrounding it with a jungle of rules, regulations and prohibitions. 2
It became a fetish!
Can you imagine making the Sabbath into a fetish? Why, of course! Anything we make too much of easily becomes a fetish, which is the tragedy of it all.
Do you remember Paul's question? "Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls. . . ." When we truly accept another person, we remember that the Lord is perfectly capable of directing his or her life. That relieves us from having to be his or her conscience. It's our job to accept others; it's God's job to direct them.
What does acceptance mean? What does it include? Because I cannot say it better than what I read in a periodical many years ago, I'll return to that source for my answer to those two questions:
Acceptance means you are valuable just as you are. It allows you to be the real you. You aren't forced into someone else's idea of who you really are. It means your ideas are taken seriously since they reflect you. You can talk about how you feel inside and why you feel that way—and someone really cares.
Acceptance means you can try out your ideas without being shot down. You can even express heretical thoughts and discuss them with intelligent questioning. You feel safe. No one will pronounce judgment on you, even though they don't agree with you. It doesn't mean you will never be corrected or shown to be wrong; it simply means it's safe to be you and no one will destroy you out of prejudice. 3
Acceptance is basic to letting others be. Consider the next four verses of Romans 14 as we turn to a second guideline:
One man regards one day above another, another regards every day alike. Let each man be fully convinced in his own
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mind. He who observes the day, observes it for the Lord, and he who eats, does so for the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who eats not, for the Lord he does not eat, and gives thanks to God. For not one of us lives for himself, and not one dies for himself; for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord's, (vv. 5-8)
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