Sonia walked into the restaurant through the back door. Everything was dark and quiet. Bobby probably had closed early. Now she needed to eat crow.
As she walked to the kitchen, she heard a sound behind her and then everything went black.
Blessed in the nation
whose God is the LORD,
the people whom he has
chosen as his heritage!
Psalm 33:12
Chapter 19
A week after Alana's wedding, Rosalyn and Mariah had moved to their new home. The move had been done in one load, and they had not needed any help. There was almost nothing to move. Rosalyn had also arranged to have her parents' belongings delivered from the storage, a china cabinet, a few dressers, a trunk. All antique pieces that had been in her family for a few generations, but it was not enough as the house continued to feel big and empty.
Buying new furniture as she had hoped to do was not going to happen any time soon. No matter how she did the math, this place was way beyond her means and adding more debt was irresponsible. Unfortunately she did need to spend money in beds.
Rosalyn went to nearby furniture store and bought two bedroom sets that she had delivered to their new place. The one she had chosen for Mariah was girly, just what a teenage girl might want. It was a queen four-poster bed with a canopy and a trundle bed, for when she had friends over, a dresser and a vanity table. The whole set was made in a natural wood.
For herself she had chosen a plain bed frame and a dresser. She did not need more than that and she did not care for fancy. Her daughter’s set had cost more than she wanted to spend, but she had wanted Mariah happy. She wanted to show her daughter how important she was to her, she just didn't know how. She would not worry about money, she had not gone hungry yet, ands she was not afraid of hard work and she had the time to add a part time job to her schedule. She never thought that she would go back to waitressing, but she knew that tips were good and it would allow her to pay the bills.
Mariah spent the day decorating her room with posters and things she had brought from her grandparents house. She was so exited at how nice her room was looking, she run to her mother's room, "Mom, thank you. I love my room. It looks so very nice."
"It wasn't a big deal, I would've done it for anyone.” Rosalyn had been distracted looking at job announcements in the newspaper, and her answer had been automatic and unemotional. Rosalyn had not even glanced at Mariah.
Mariah nodded and walked out of the room, to her lonely bedroom. What else could she expect? Their relationship had always been like this.
After Mariah had gone to her room, Rosalyn had put the paper down and broken into tears. What kind of answer was that? If she wanted a relationship with her daughter, she needed to be warmer and caring. She knew that she had bought the best bedroom set she could find. She would not have done that for anyone except her daughter. She had wanted to show her daughter how important she was to her, and instead, she told her how unimportant she was.
After she reflected on her poor choice of words, Rosalyn had decided to make a list of things she needed to develop a relationship with her daughter. What did her daughter need? She was going to need a credit card to buy clothes. They were going to need to furnish the rest of the house. The living room would be next on the list. Did her daughter have a computer? She was going to need one. What about the kitchen? She had not asked if Mariah cooked. She knew she was trying desperately to make her daughter happy. She just did not know how. She had spent too much time alone with her textbooks. She hoped all of these decisions were the right ones. She could be happy with very little, but she wanted to give the best to her daughter. The best was expensive.
Mariah really liked her mother and had seen this as an opportunity to get to know her better. She loved her grandparents, but had always felt weird that all the other kids had parents, and hers were gone. She had no idea who her father was, and her mother was never there. She had hoped that now they would get to know each other. Unfortunately, any time she saw progress in their relationship, everything seemed to fall apart. On one hand, Rosalyn showed her how she loved her by buying her beautiful things; on the other hand, her words would say that it meant nothing. On one hand there were all the beautiful things to decorate her room and the house, and on the other, she had no one to share them with. What was the point if she could not share her joy, experiences and love with anyone?
Mariah wanted so desperately to know her mother; she was so lonely. There was never an opportunity for them to be together. Her mother had signed her up at school, and she had started her job again. She left for work before Mariah went to school and came home way after Mariah had gone to sleep. The only communication was a phone call every day at 3:20. Mariah was feeling so very sad all the time. At home, with her grandparents, she had them and she had friends both at school and at church, and here she had no one. She wondered if mom went to church.
Her life at school was awful. The other kids were so very mean. She had tried sitting at the table at lunchtime, and everyone had ignored her. There had been one girl who had spoken to her. “So you come from a school in North Carolina.” It had been more of a statement than a question, but she had responded anyhow. “Yes”
"So which one do you like better?"
Mariah knew this was a trick question and did not know how to answer, so she settled for a half true. "I miss it, but this is okay."
"Okay" the other girl had repeated, then laughed and walked away. Mariah tried to continue to eat, and then quietly she had gotten up and thrown her untouched food in the garbage. She had held her head high as she had walked into the bathroom, and once there she went into one of the stalls and wondered what had just happened. She wanted to be accepted. She was lonely at home and she was lonely at school. Were things going to get better?
Mariah was desperate. Something needed to change. She had never been so lonely in her entire life. She had a plan and she was going to put it into motion. Her mother wanted to stay away, that was okay, she was not going to live like this anymore. She needed to feel useful and loved. She missed her life in North Carolina.
Bringing Mariah home had been a wakeup call for Rosalyn. Sometimes Rosalyn saw Mariah as the kid she was, other times as the young woman she was becoming, and she had moments of panic for her daughter. She tried to set rules, rules she felt would have prevented her from becoming a victim of abuse and hurt. The more rules she set for her, the more Mariah rebelled against them. Rosalyn felt like a failure. She could see her daughter was succumbing to a deep depression and she did not know what to do. What if her parents had been less naive and more watchful, would she have gotten hurt anyway?
It seemed to her that she had totally blown it out of proportion when Mariah had told her about cheerleading. She had wanted to try out for the squad and Rosalyn had said no. "Mom, there are cheerleading tryouts this weekend. I have decided I am going to try out for the team." Mariah had said with her usual cocky and fun attitude. Rosalyn had not remembered Mariah being a disrespectful child from the times she had visited. "No, you will not try out. You need to concentrate in your academics, not at being half naked dancing in front of all the players and who knows whom else. "But mom, I really want this." Mariah had insisted. Getting up from the sofa, Rosalyn had not even looked at her as she said "the answer is no, and don't argue." That had been the extent of their conversation-- no explanation, no discussion, no anything. It had been an attitude of I am the adult here, you do as I say. Rosalyn had felt guilty. She knew how permissive her parents had been. Besides that, she knew that there was nothing wrong with cheerleading. When she had been Mariah's age, she had wanted to try out for cheerleading. She had not done so because she had been too aware of her body. She had developed faster than most other twelve year olds, and she had been embarrassed by the changes. So, if she understood that, why did she say no without even giving it a thought? Somehow, in her mind it had not been so innocent. How could she be messing it up so much? Mariah
's sad face was hounding her. She was giving Mariah the best things money could buy; she just did not know how to give herself.
Rosalyn was feeling defeated. Every decision she made seemed to be the wrong one. She had made decisions concentrating on the material stuff, and now she understood that her priorities had been wrong. She didn't know how to change things.
Her parents had died, her daughter hated her, her rent was too high, and her best friend had moved away. What else could go wrong? She did not think she could handle any more.
The weather was a reflection of Rosalyn's mood. It was raining so hard, she could barely see the road; She wanted to cry and not stop. She wanted to run away to a foreign place, but she was stuck here. As she was reflecting on her sorry life and her stupid decisions, she heard her phone ring. It only took a second to glance down, and when she looked up she heard a car horn and she realized that she had crossed over the centerline. She attempted to straighten the car out, but it was too late. She heard the loud squealing of tires, followed by the sound of metal hitting metal before she felt it through her body. Her head hit the side window and for a second she felt oblivion take over.
The car had hit the rear driver side of the car, as she tried to straighten the car, and the car had done a complete turn and she had ended up on the side of the road facing the opposite direction. Her driver side window had broken, her rear tire had gone flat and her car was a mess. She felt dizzy and nauseous.
The driver of the other car had just wanted to go home. It had been a hard day’s work, and all he wanted to do was get home to his wife and kids. He got out of the car, took a quick look at his car, and then walked over to inspect the other driver. He hoped the driver was okay, because he wanted to say some choice words to him. He tried to pull the driver side door open, and it was stuck. He tried again and then he saw her. "Rosalyn?"
"I am so sorry, my insurance should . . . Sean? What are you doing here?"
Blessed shall you be when you come in,
and blessed shall you be when you go out.
Deuteronomy 28:6
Chapter 20
After much pulling and lifting, the door finally came loose.
"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Asked Sean.
"I think I'm fine,” said Rosalyn still confused as she got out of her car. Then she looked at her car and burst into tears. The accident had happened outside Sean's office. Sean did not let her finish. He pulled her into his arms. He was as surprised to see her, as she was to see him, and silently gave a prayer of thanks and another prayer asking for wisdom. He did not know what to do; it had been so long since they had seen each other. "Rosalyn, it is so nice to see you. I am the pastor here. Come inside, I want to know about you. We need to catch up while we wait for the cops and the paramedics." Rosalyn was not thinking, as she would normally have declined any offer of going inside a church. He gently took her by the hand, and pulled her toward his office, without giving her a chance to refuse. "We'll call the cops from my office."
After they got to the office, Sean called the cops and let them know about the accident. Both of the cars were on the side of the road. Rosalyn's had ended there after it finished spinning, and Sean had parked his car behind Rosalyn's car. Sean came and stood in front of Rosalyn. "How are you doing, are you hurt?"
"No, I am doing fine thank you," then she burst into tears. "No, I'm not doing fine. I am so tired. Everything had been going wrong since I was fifteen. God has been punishing me, and I am so tired. I try to run away be creating this make-believe world, and living there was bearable. Now I cannot run anymore and every decision I am making is the wrong one." She started crying louder. Her sobs were tearing at Sean's heart. Once he had thought that he was in love with her. His love for her was not romantic, as it had once been. On the contrary, it was a platonic love. He got closer to her, and held her in his arms as she cried.
At that precise moment, his wife burst into the office finding them in an embrace. "Ahem." Rosalyn heard her and pulled away. "I am sorry. This is not what it might look like."
"To me it looks like a woman who is broken and in need of a shoulder to cry on. Hi I'm Madeline." She said that looking straight into Sean's eyes and then at Rosalyn.
Sean loved his wife so much, but at that moment he could not have been prouder. "Rosalyn, I want you to meet my lovely wife Madeline. Madeline, you have heard me talk about my first crush. This is the girl. Let me introduce you to Rosalyn Miller."
His first crush? "Nice meeting you. I should get going."
Madeline looked at her husband, then at Rosalyn. "Mrs. Robinson saw the accident and called me. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. It seems to me that you two have a lot to talk about." Then she looked at her husband, "Don't take too long, dinner is almost ready."
Rosalyn tried again. She did not want to cause Sean any problems. "I really should wait outside. Sean and I were only friends. Nothing more."
"I know, but your eyes tell me that you have much to discuss. There is pain deep inside you. My husband is your friend and he can listen. Sometimes talking about something that hurts our souls is enough to start the healing process." She looked at her husband again, "Honey, I'll wait for you at home." With that she gave Rosalyn a hug and walked out.
Sean went to a small fridge in the corner of the room and got two bottles of water. When he came back, he sat on the other side of the sofa. He had prayed for Rosalyn since the moment he first laid eyes on her. He understood that she hadn't been the right woman for him, but he continued to pray for her anyway.
Nothing in this world was by accident or luck. Everything had a purpose and God was in control. At one point he might have thought that he was in love with Rosalyn, but he had learned better. The following year, after he had left Southern University, he had met Madeline, and they were madly in love with each other. They had gotten married and they had two beautiful boys. One of them, Jonny, was five years old, and the other one, Andy, was two years old.
Sean adored his wife and children, but Rosalyn was special to him. He understood that she could not have given him what he thought he wanted or needed. She had not been ready. There had been some deep pain in there that she had not been ready to share with anyone, not even a friend. He would try his best to have her open up to him. He knew that he was the friend she needed.
He believed God was bringing her back, and it was going to be up to him. God help me do it right.
When Rosalyn had calmed down enough, she wanted to get up and go. She had to restrain her panic and wanted to say no thank you to anything Sean had in mind. Instead of running, she started to apologize, "Sean I am so sorry. You were always so kind to me, and I never reciprocated."
"Rosalyn, we were friends and I want to believe that we are still friends. Let's not worry about hurt feelings among friends. Tell me what is going on in your life that has you so distraught." At first she went with the normal formalities, then all of the sudden the dam opened and she told him everything. She had grown up in a loving home; she was a great student with so many dreams, and one day when she lied to her parents. God had punished her and she had been raped. She had a crush on this guy at school, and she would have done anything he asked of her. God had taught her a lesson. She told him about Mariah, and how she was making a mess out of everything. She told him that regardless of the circumstances, her daughter was the center of her world. Rosalyn wanted to protect her, but by doing so, she was alienating her. She even gave examples of how awful she was screwing things up by mentioning the cheerleading incident.
Sean listened attentively and prayed. There was so much pain in this precious person. He understood her circumstances now. Her lack of trust in God; her secluded life; her pushing him away were ways she protected herself from more pain.
He was angry for her, but he had to trust in God's plan. Lord, I do not know what to say or do, You have brought her here, use me in her healing. He was not in a position of advising without praying, and right now he could
not say that everything would be okay. He just needed to convince her to come back. "Rosalyn, you and I have been friends for a while, and I can tell you, that I do not know the reason bad things happen to good people, but I can tell you this, you are not, nor were you ever being punished.”
“Then, how do you explain it Sean?”
“Our God is a loving God, and the one reason, that probably sounds like a cliché for bad things happening to good people, is simply that there are evil people in this world.’
“You are right, it sounds too much like a cliché. I have to go.” Rosalyn replied.
“No listen to me, let me finish.”
“What is the use Sean? Lets agree to disagree.”
“No, listen!” Sean was a patient man, but this stubborn woman was driving him to his limit. “I am not going to tell you today that everything is going to be okay even if I believe that, but I want to see how God will manifest Himself in you and I know He will, if you give Him a chance.”
“I am tired Sean. I cannot have this conversation right now.”
“Just listen, and don’t say anything. I would like you to give me the opportunity of seeing God at work in your life. Come to church. I promise that in the future we are going to look back at your life and see how these circumstances have changed things for you, and we can list all the bad things that have happened because of it. Then we can follow it with all the positive things that have happened in the last fifteen years. This will become your testimony. Please think about it. Lets make TODAY a day of forgiving. You must begin by forgiving yourself. Rosalyn please come to church Sunday.”
What was she thinking to have shared so much of her weaknesses and fears with Sean? The accident must have rattled her brain. How could she have told Sean every single bit of her life story? She could not bear to see pity in his eyes, so she looked around the room as she got up from the sofa. She saw all the pictures. There were pictures of Sean and Madeline, pictures of the two of them with two kids, and individual pictures of Madeline and the kids. "I am so sorry to burden you with my problems, thank you for listening, but I must go."
Second Chances: The Power of Renewal Page 8