by Lenora Bell
Rafe gritted his teeth. “I don’t deserve to deaden my pain. I put everyone to so much trouble.” He met Drew’s gaze. “Someone could have died.” His blue eyes clouded over. “I did have a plan, you know,” he said. “I laid a clever trap but it all went wrong.”
“I’m sure you had a plan,” said Drew, though he wasn’t sure of it at all.
He walked the doctor out, accepting a bottle of laudanum in case Rafe changed his mind. Drew longed to go to Mina, but he also needed to talk to Rafe. There were many things left unsaid between the brothers.
“I wasn’t going to vanquish Le Triton by myself,” Rafe explained. “I was going to pretend to help Le Triton set up his front—the gin palace—and then, when the moment was opportune, I’d reveal everything to Sir Malcolm and deliver Le Triton into his hands.”
“You were infiltrating his inner circle. I know all about it. I know that you’re a spy.”
“Lower your voice.”
“I still can’t believe it, though,” said Drew.
“Miss Penny told you.”
“Do you truly not remember her?”
“Of course I remember her. I was only pretending not to—I didn’t want to drag her into danger.”
“It was a good thing we followed you.”
“Everything went according to plan until Le Triton turned on me. He possesses a list of Sir Malcolm’s former and present agents. Even the disgraced ones like me. Someone in Sir Malcolm’s ranks is a traitor.”
“Mina will want to know all of this. I should go and find her and bring her here.”
“You love her, don’t you?” asked Rafe. “I never thought it would happen to you.”
“Neither did I.” Drew knew he was grinning foolishly again. It was all so new and so unbelievable. Could she truly love him? He wanted to hear her say the words again.
“That was quite a kiss,” said Rafe with a chuckle.
“I thought you had lost consciousness by then.”
“Saw enough of it to know that you’ve been utterly bewitched.”
“She wants to be . . . what you are, Rafe. That’s why she proposed to you. It made me so angry and jealous. But that’s all in the past. She said she loves me.”
“I’ve never seen you so happy. It’s rather disconcerting.”
“I know. Isn’t it? I’m completely off-balance and I don’t ever want to regain my footing.”
Mina sat on the edge of the bed in a guest chamber. Her entire body ached from the bruises and battle scars, but her heart ached even more.
She’d scrubbed the blood away, and the dirt, but the agonizing questions remained.
Drew was downstairs by Rafe’s bedside.
So much had happened in the last twenty-four hours and the only thing that she knew for certain was that she had no idea who she was.
It wasn’t about not being good enough, or not having the skills, it was something fundamental missing inside of her. The ability to distance herself, to see human beings as pawns, as expendable, to use any means necessary to achieve her goals.
The best agents had to be ruthless.
If she wasn’t a spy, then who was she?
She loved Drew; there was no doubt in her mind about that. But was it enough? He couldn’t be her reason for living. Marriage and living in the countryside had never been the plan.
He hadn’t proposed to her, he’d informed everyone on that ship that he was going to marry her. It had been such an utterly arrogant and dukelike thing to do.
Oh, it had all become so tangled.
She wished she had a mother to talk to, someone wiser than she. Maybe she should go back to Grizzy’s house. She needed time to think everything through. She couldn’t think clearly when Drew was near.
She wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve.
She had to leave. She needed space and time and she needed to decide who she wanted to become.
“What did you do to Mina?” Beatrice burst into the room, where Drew and Rafe were talking, her face blotched with red and her eyes fierce. She rounded on Drew. “She’s crying.”
“Ah.” Drew scratched his head. “I didn’t do anything.”
“You must have done something. She was crying and now she’s changing into her traveling dress. She’s leaving.”
“He kissed her,” said Rafe.
“And she kissed me back,” said Drew.
“When did you kiss her?” asked Beatrice.
“After we vanquished the villain. And before we returned home.”
“Where was this?”
“On the deck of the ship. I swept her into my arms. You would have approved, it was a grand romantic gesture.”
“Did you say anything?” Beatrice asked.
“He told me that he was going to marry her,” Rafe said.
“On the deck of a ship, with everyone watching?” Beatrice hit Drew’s arm with a small fist.
“Ow. What was that for?” Drew asked.
“I never thought I’d say this, but you’re an impulsive idiot and you should have shown some restraint and control. That was the absolute worst thing you could do, can’t you see that? It wasn’t a proposal, it was a command.”
“I thought that I was being romantic and impulsive. Mina’s the one who told me I needed to lose control every now and then.”
“There’s a difference between being romantically impulsive and taking away a woman’s choice. For a woman like Mina, that’s tantamount to a declaration of war. You kissed her in front of everyone. Said you were going to marry her. You took away her freedom to choose.”
He began to see why it had been so very wrong. “Oh my God. I’m an idiot. I have to go to her. I have to explain.”
Beatrice moved to the window. “You’d better hurry. She’s talking to Inspector Langley. He’s leaving soon—he said he wanted to leave at first light.”
Drew didn’t wait to hear more. He was out the door and racing down the stairs.
“And don’t come back until you’ve patched things between you,” Beatrice’s instructions trailed after him. “And don’t forget to get down on your knees and grovel.”
“Mina,” Drew shouted as he ran. “Wait!”
Mina paused outside the door of Langley’s coach. Everyone else was already inside.
“You’re leaving?” he asked when he reached her side.
“Inspector Langley will see me safely home. Don’t come any closer, Drew.” Her voice was sharp and cold as the sea air. “I can’t think when you touch me.”
“Mina, let’s go inside and talk.”
“No more talking. No more kissing. I have to leave.”
“What’s wrong, Mina?”
“I need some time to think.”
“But you love me,” he said. Wrong thing to say. It was all coming out wrong. He was cocking it all up again.
He’d driven her away, and the worst of it was that he couldn’t plead with her now. They were outside of a carriage filled with people. Any attempt he made at explaining himself would have an audience and she would see it as yet another infringement on her freedom.
He had to allow her to leave, to be free. She’d taught him that.
“I can change, Mina.”
She turned away. “Drew,” she whispered, her voice catching. “Maybe it’s not enough. You can’t be my reason for living. I need . . . I need to know who I am, what I want, if I’m not going to become . . . if I’m not like my mother.”
He longed to sweep her into his arms again, kiss away all of these doubts and fears, but Beatrice had been right. He had to let her go. If they were meant to be together, they would find a way . . . but it would take time. Patience.
Sacrifice.
Everything in him wanted to beg, to plead with her to stay.
Fall on his knees before her and grovel.
“I understand,” he said, his heart going cold as ice. “You want to make your mark on the world.”
“Drew . . .” Anguish in her voice. “It’s not
that. I just . . .”
“I understand,” he said again. “I don’t want to take away the first glimpse of freedom you’ve ever had. Your life has been a cage, Mina, your wings clipped. You have the restless power to soar so high and I can never be the anchor weighing you down.”
She laid her hand over his heart. “I just need some time to think. Can you give me that?”
He would give her anything. His heart. His soul.
He bowed his head and stepped away.
Warmth from her hand fading. The carriage beginning to move, taking her away.
It nearly killed him. His heart shattered into shards of glass. He saw it so clearly now. There could be no joy without pain. No reward without risk.
Love was a blind leap into the unknown. Mina might never come back to him.
But he had to give her the time she needed to make her own decision.
Chapter 32
Two weeks later
Life at Great-Aunt Griselda’s house had settled into a rhythm. They went out most mornings to see the sights of London. Grizzy was feeling better every day. They’d visited every museum, attended two operas, and even watched a public debate at the London Tavern.
Everywhere they went, people whispered about Mina. No one knew precisely what had happened between her and the Duke of Thorndon, but everyone had a theory. They didn’t know whether to treat her as a future duchess or a social outcast.
Drew’s mother had already left for Thornhill House when Mina arrived back in London. The duchess must be there now with all three of her children. She’d be helping Rafe recover and attempting to uncover a husband for Beatrice among the small selection of noblemen near Thornhill.
And here Mina was in London, where she’d always wanted to live, soaking in the pleasures of the city, and it all felt empty and wrong without Drew.
She missed him every second of every day. The longing to see him again was very strong. Every morning she had to wage a battle with herself not to return to Cornwall. She’d said she needed time to think, and she did.
She loved him. She would always love him. But was it enough? Would they be able to find a way to compromise enough to be together?
“You’re being stubborn, Wilhelmina,” said Grizzy, as they worked together on her latest taxidermy diorama, a recreation of da Vinci’s The Last Supper featuring brightly colored goldfinches in the roles of the twelve apostles.
“I told Thorndon that I needed time to think.”
“Stubborn and foolish. What’s there to think about?”
“Marriage is a very serious choice.” Becoming a duchess had never been the plan. Without her future in espionage she was adrift.
Le Triton was behind bars, awaiting trial for numerous international crimes. His fall had brought down a host of other criminals. Inspector Langley had visited her to tell her all of the details.
“When will Sir Malcolm arrive?” asked Grizzy. “I thought he would be back by now. Maybe he can talk some sense into that stubborn head of yours.”
Mina wondered when her uncle would return. Surely the news had reached him that Le Triton had been captured. She wondered if he’d heard anything about the part she’d played.
A loud knocking at the front door interrupted her thoughts. She dropped the wire she’d been cutting and ran to the window. “It’s Sir Malcolm. He’s here.”
She ran downstairs.
He greeted her with a nod as a servant accepted his hat and coat. “Wilhelmina, you’re looking well. Where’s Griselda?”
“Upstairs, working on one of her dioramas.”
“I just came from Thornhill House,” said her uncle.
“Thornhill?” She hadn’t expected him to go there before coming to London.
“I was tracing Le Triton’s path. I landed at Falmouth but I was days late. He’d already been apprehended by Inspector Langley, with help from the Duke of Thorndon, his brother, and, much to my surprise, my niece.”
Mina swallowed. “About that.”
“I’m not angry, Mina, I’m just so very glad that you’re unharmed.”
He wasn’t angry that she’d defied his wishes? Mina led him into the parlor where he’d given her the Duke Dossier. He sat on the same lumpy sofa.
Grizzy’s misshapen furniture and stuffed hedgehogs no longer seemed like a penance to Mina. She’d grown closer to her great-aunt in the past weeks. She was surprised to realize that she loved her dearly.
Her heart had been surprising her lately.
“Shall I ring for some tea?” Mina asked.
“No. Let’s have a thimbleful of brandy. I hear from Thorndon that it’s your drink of choice.”
Mina blushed. What else had Thorndon told her uncle?
Sir Malcolm rose and walked to the sideboard. He poured them each a tumbler of brandy and returned.
The burn of the brandy in her throat reminded Mina of Drew. So many things reminded her of him. Everything, really. It was as though she’d been born anew the day she met him. Every memory started there.
Every hope.
Her uncle set down his glass. “I should never have kept you hidden away. I should have let you make mistakes and face dangers. Ravenwood told me that I was protecting you too closely because . . . because I lost Rebecca.” He finished on a whisper, his face averted from hers.
Mina had never heard him speak of the subject.
He laid a hand on her shoulder.
She froze. She didn’t know what to do or how to react. She’d always wanted tenderness from him—approval—but he’d always kept his distance.
“You did your best,” she said carefully. “You gave me a safe upbringing.”
“But not a happy one. But Mina, it’s never too late for happiness. I hope you will find it with Thorndon. I heard the entire story from Lord Rafe, and from Thorndon. How brave you were, how you could have . . . ended Le Triton, and you made the right choice. What I don’t understand is why you’re here talking to me and not with Thorndon?”
Mina sighed. “I’m lost, Uncle. I’m adrift. I found I don’t have the stomach for your work. I’ll never become . . . what I wanted to become. Without my heritage, without following in my parents’ footsteps, who am I?”
“This is what I was trying to protect you from all of these years. I was guarding you from my enemies and from this life. It’s a difficult life and it’s filled with danger and I wanted better for you, Mina.”
He’d called her by her nickname. He’d reached out to her. What was wrong with him?
“I don’t understand,” she said. “I thought you would be angry with me for involving myself in the capture of Le Triton.”
“I’m not. I’m proud of you, Mina. So very proud.”
A lump formed in her throat. She’d wanted to hear those words for so long, and now it was too late.
“I don’t have that one essential skill,” she said. “I can’t detach myself from my emotions.”
“And I never want you to learn that skill. I want you to live to a ripe old age. With Thorndon by your side.”
“I can’t just give up everything I’ve dreamed of and become his wife.”
“Who said anything about giving up your dreams? I know your strengths, Mina. I should have allowed you to use them openly. I shouldn’t have forced you to hide, to be so secretive.”
“You knew that I was watching you?”
“Of course I knew. Did you think you could spy on the spymaster?” That last sentence was whispered.
That’s precisely what she’d thought.
“You can continue your studies,” he said. “You don’t have to do fieldwork. We will focus on your strengths.”
Mina couldn’t believe what her uncle was saying. “Do you mean that you’ll allow me to join your force?”
“I have no doubt that you’ll become my best code breaker.”
“I also want to develop weapons that only stun or temporarily immobilize a target,” she said eagerly. “Since I found that I have no taste for blood
letting, I’d like to make that my specialty.”
“An excellent idea,” agreed Sir Malcolm.
Mina’s heart lifted. Maybe she could achieve her dreams after all. She wouldn’t be a glamorous, sophisticated agent like her mother had been. She’d be behind the scenes. But she’d be useful.
Maybe she could honor her mother’s legacy, while finding a way to be with Thorndon. That was, if he still wanted her. Doubt seized her mind. She’d hurt him by leaving. She’d seen the pain and confusion in his eyes as she’d left.
“He loves you, Mina,” said her uncle, as if he could read her mind. “It’s obvious what you’re thinking about,” he added.
“Did he tell you that?”
“Not in so many words, but he did give me this and ask me to see that you received it.” Sir Malcolm handed her a small leather-bound notebook.
Mina read the title. The Dueling Debutante Dossier.
“I gather that it’s a detailed analysis of the reasons that you two were meant to be together,” said her uncle.
“Thank you,” Mina said. “For everything.”
“Well, are you going to read it?”
“I think I’ll go for a walk.”
Her uncle smiled. “You’ll need a coach to reach Cornwall, you know.”
Mina slipped the notebook in the pocket of her cloak and walked the short distance to the Thorndon town houses. The brandy still heated her belly.
The promise of reading Drew’s words set her heart ablaze.
Crankshaw answered her knock. “Why, Miss Penny. What are you doing here? His Grace is still in Cornwall. I thought you’d be there with him.”
“I was wondering if I might sit in your gardens for a moment.”
Crankshaw paused. “Is everything all right?”
“I believe so. More than right. I think everything’s going to be beautiful.”
“I’m very glad to hear it. The house and gardens are yours, Miss Penny.” He led her inside. “Please let me know if you need anything. Anything at all.”
Mina walked the garden path. She passed the swing where she’d sat with Lady Beatrice. It seemed so long ago. The last of the summer roses clung to the bushes, petals curled and ready to fall.
She opened the door of the garden shed and stepped inside, closing it behind her. Light filtered in through the small windows, enough to read by.