by Paul Beatty
GEORGE: Uh war brides gotta point thuh way.
LILY: Didnt we pack you uh pair of white elbow-length gloves?
GEORGE: Uh huhnn. Madame Odelia Pandahr borrowed um. She said This One and ThatOne needed em. You know, tuh slap each others faces with and throw down and challenge.
LILY: Throwin down thuh gauntlet! Thats thuh old style! Ah! And thuh silver! 84 piece set. Stole it one by one from—well they aint never gonna know now is they. They aint noticed yet and they aint never gonna know cause we aint never gonna tell. Nicely polished.Shinin like thuh lake. In my day thuh first vision uh future battle bride envisioned was her table. Her place settings was thuh place holders for her company. Who would come tuh dine throughout her generations. Seein thuh vision of her table was thuh most important thing. Guess it aint like that now. Now you got—technology. Huh. Lets see now: uh few jewels for adornment. And your bridehead: intact. Intact, Miss?
GEORGE: I aint touched it. Seal on thuh jar iduhnt broke izit?
LILY: Hmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmm. HMMMMMMMMMMM.HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Huh. Nope. Ha! Makes my heart sing, Miss George. Love of uh girl. Ha ha ha ha ha—whasszis?
(A TV!)
GEORGE: Madame Odelia Pandahr says todays battle bride oughta be adequately accoutrementalized by thuh modern age.
LILY: Thuh modern age.
GEORGE: Madame Odelia Pandahr says there iduhnt nothin likewatchin thuh conflict play by play like.
LILY: We got thuh spy glass. We got thuh bo-nocks. I used these b o nocks when I watched your Daddy triumph over his rival.
GEORGE: Madame Odelia Pandahrs even featured this year. We may be sittin up here on thuh sidelines so tuh speak but Madame Odelia Pandahrs down there representing thuh modern age. Shes gonna be in charge of thuh regular broadcasts.
LILY: My day we had messengers. Skinny mens and womens who earned uh cent or two by running up and down thuh hillside. In my year I had me uh particular favorite. Nothin but bones by thuh time it was all through. That messenger came rippin up here at all hours. In thuh dead uh night! In thuh crack uh dawn! Would report—you know—thuh important stuff. Who said what, reenact ThissuhBodys troops last gasp or show me how one uh Thatuh-Bodys troopers kept walkin for hours with uh flag run through their guts and how thuh run through flag had pinned uhnother tuh his back so he was walking for two—with one piggy back, you know.Like uh shishkebob. That messengers speciality was thuh death throes. Kept us in stitches up here showing us who dropped dead and how. And they was droppin dead down there like flies drop so that messenger kept busy. Runned up here tuh tell me thuh news.Whuduhnt nothin but bones by battles end. Last time that messenger runned up here just his bones was doin thuh runnin and thuh stuff that holded thuh bones tugether was all used up as fuel tuh get them bones up thuh hill. We didnt bury thuh messenger.Gave him uh higher honor. My corset is from that messengers bones, you know. In my day we didnt waste.
GEORGE: Madame Odelia Pandahr says that uh unit like this can do double duty: keep us up here abreast of thuh action and after thuh wedding serve as uh device for entertainment.
LILY: Enter-whut?
GEORGE: Entertainment. Fun.
LILY: Oh. Serves uh double duty do it?
GEORGE: So she claims. Just pull thuh knob. And: presto.
LILY: Just pull thuh knob. Huh. Pres-to.
GEORGE: And enjoy.
LILY: Huh. Pres-to.
B.
At the Front. Madame Odelia Pandahr, the panderer, in a wedding dress with microphone in hand, broadcasts live.
ODELIA PANDAHR: Rat uh tat tat and kerblam kerblooey. As someone said long ago: "Thems fighting words." That adage today has well proven true. There is only one way to describe the scene here the scene that began shortly over 5 days ago and seems well intended to last at least through the night. What began as what could be characterized as a border skirmish, a simple tribal dispute, has erupted into a battle of major consequence. High high up above me is the encampment of the bride-who'll-be who has been keeping watch on this situation. The actual area of our attention is not high high up but right down here right down here in, so to speak, "the thick of it." In the area just behind me through this thick veil of deadly deadly smoke you can just make out the shapes of the 2 opposing camps and of course we are speaking of the camps of ThisOne and the camps of ThatOne. The two suitors vying for the hand of Miss George the beautiful most sought after bride-who'll-be who watches now from high above us with her mother, Ms. Mother Lily, from that far high hilltop. There is one word that, I guess you could say, sums up this brilliant display this passionate parade of severed arms and legs, genitals and fingertips, buttocks and heads, the splatterment the dismemberment, the quest for an embrace for the bride-who'll-be which has, for many, ended in an embrace of eternity, and that one word I think we could say that one word is "Devotion." This is Ms. Odelia Pandahr. At the Front.
C.
In the garden.
GEORGE: Dont run from me Mama.
LILY: Aint runnin.
GEORGE: Dont roll from me.
LILY: Mmon uh roll.
GEORGE: Gimmie.
LILY: Not thuh place settings George honey.
GEORGE: Gimmie.
LILY: I got my wheels dug in George.
GEORGE: Sseither them knives and forks and spoons and butter-knives and salad tongs and pickle prongs and lobster tools sseither thems or my brassiere and they aint getting my brassiere.
LILY: In my day we went without.
GEORGE: She aint gettin it.
LILY: In my day thuh table was of most importance.
GEORGE: Uh bride like me ssgotta point thuh way and I intend tuh point thuh way so gimmie. Gimmmmmmmmmmie!
LILY: YOU kin give her thuh model of your dream home.
GEORGE: Ssalready been gived.
LILY: Thuh nap-pi-kans. Serviettes, love of uh girl?
GEORGE: Mopped up thuh sap of thuh wounded.
LILY: —bloomers?
GEORGE: Turned in t uh flags.
LILY: They had tuh know who was who huh?
GEORGE: Gimmie.
LILY: In my day thuh first thing thuh very first thing uh bride-tuh-be envisioned was her table. Thuh shape or size, thuh dimensions of her table were not thuh question. Uh table could be round and of uh cherry wood or square and of oak. Thuh one I always seed was oblong, I was uh little fancy for uh war bride. Oblong and of pine. But thuh materials and dimensions were not really thuh center of thuh envisioning. No. You could have uh table and uh chair—traditional style—or just on uh blanket on thuh ground. Outdoors. Thats uh picnic. Thuh first thing was always her table. And when she had seen it she told her mother and her dear mother tooked it as uh sign that she would be—you know—uh bride. U h bride with uh groom in all. Like on thuh cake top. O n her table with thuh cloth stretched out she would see places for those who would come to mess with her, you know—
GEORGE: Eat.
LILY: In her envisioning she'd see h ow many there would be and where and what theyd all eat. (You could always tell thuh eats by thuh forks and knives and so on she saw laid out.) What tuh drink.If there was tuh be coffee or tea. And desserts. Thuh first vision was always thuh table. You girls dont see tables these days but I still see mines sometimes—not that I actually ever had no guests like that—but sometimes I still kin see it. Rows and rows of flatwear spiralin out like they was all holdin uh place for me. Holdin my place.
GEORGE: She can take thuh cake top. She can take thuh hope ches ititself.
LILY: H ow unbout that book. Your French Love Words and French Love Phrases?
GEORGE: Uh uhnn.
LILY: Oh.
GEORGE: Ssunder my gown.
LILY: Oh.
GEORGE: Keepin my gut in.
LILY: Oh. Lets lay low. Maybe she wont want nothin.
(Enter Odelia Pandahr)
ODELIA PANDAHR: Madame Mother Lily. And thuh most fought over Mademoiselle Miss George.
LILY: Delighted, Maam.
GEORGE: Enchante
de faire votre connaissance, Madame Pandahr.
ODELIA PANDAHR: —. Votre file est si charmante, Madame Mama Lily.
LILY: Oui oui! Oui oui! Well,—I dont—speak thuh language—.
GEORGE: You think they can see me way up here?
ODELIA PANDAHR: Of course they can, dear girl. The eyes of the heart can see across continents and through stone, Mademoiselle George r your every tear wink and sigh.
GEORGE AND LILY: Aaaaah!
ODELIA PANDAHR: ThisOne thanks you for the great gift of the tatted dishtowels. They have been reshaped and put into service as shifts for the war captured. ThatOne is beholden to you for your gracious coughing up of the salad plates which have been split pie shape stood on end and now instead of serving salad serve as an impediment to the advancing shoeless enemy. You both no doubt have seen the most effective translation of the bridal bloomers?Ripped in 2 and dipped in dye theyve created voila: the bright green flag of That One and at 11 oclock the dark deep green of ThisOne. It is only an extravagance of your devotion which offered up the bloomers and now allows the troops to distinguish themselves. Of your jewlery, most gracious Miss George, both ThisOne and ThatOne have made great use. Both have pinned the baubles to their respective bodies an act which literally transfixes them. Pinned by desire, they are spurred on to new deeds of devotion. Your jewels, George, also make the boys real shiny—easier for my crew to track their night-time skirmish activities.
GEORGE: Skirmish.
ODELIA PANDAHR: Itll be upgraded to "conflict" any day now.
GEORGE: Skirmish.
ODELIA PANDAHR: We wont fail you Miss George. I know youve got yourself set for the big win and we will not fail you. With but a few more of your very dear contributions, my dear Mademoiselle, I'll not only personally insure an upgrade but will promise promise promise that youll be wed. To thuh Victor. By sunset tomorrow.So gimmie.
GEORGE: Uh uhnn.
ODELIA PANDAHR: Ive schooled you in all aspects of Devotion
Mademoiselle George. Pouting was not one of those aspects.
GEORGE: We dont got nothin else.
ODELIA PANDAHR: And neither was hoarding. What will you be donating today, Mademoiselle?
GEORGE: — .
ODELIA PANDAHR: Cough up.
LILY: What do they require, Maam?
ODELIA PANDAHR: With more ammo ThatOne claims he'll have the whole skirmish—conflict—wrapped up by sunrise.
LILY: Ammo?
ODELIA PANDAHR: A melted down butterknife makes one hell of uh bullet, Mother Lily.
LILY: In my day—
ODELIA PANDAHR: All ThisOne wants is a decent silver serving spoon. The medic says itll make a nice new kneecap. If you object tuh thuh weapons question ThatOnes troops need their teeth filled.
LILY: Thuh table.
GEORGE: We got thuh cake top.
ODELIA PANDAHR: Useless.
GEORGE: Dont suppose youd take thuh Tee Vee.
ODELIA PANDAHR: Weve got plenty.
GEORGE: YOU kin take thuh hope chest itself.
ODELIA PANDAHR: The morgue officerll come and pick that up this evening. Seems weve had a problem with animals exhuming and consuming the—well thats not a subject for a young ladys ears. (Pause) SILVER. Cough up.
LILY: Thuh table.
GEORGE: How unbout my brassiere. My last one howboutit.
ODELIA PANDAHR: A bride must point the way, Miss George!
GEORGE: Ssall we got.
ODELIA PANDAHR: Unfortunately brassieres are not what theyre requesting right now but well but well butwell it will most likely come in handy so go ahead and take it off. Keep it in the ready and I'll keep you posted. Anything could happen at this point! You know how skirmis-flicts are. You know.
GEORGE: We know.
ODELIA PANDAHR: Your generosity will not go unnoticed, Miss George. Perhaps I can even finagle a citation of some sort for you.For both of you. Would you like that? Hmmmm? What the troops need right now is something that will unquestionably smack of "Devotion." Smack of Devotion clear as day. Dont you think?
LILY: How uhbout my chair.
ODELIA PANDAHR: Weve got plenty.
GEORGE: Im gonna look all wrong. Be pointin at down 6 oclock instead of out at 9. You say they can see me from here. How they gonna know whats what?
ODELIA PANDAHR: Mama Lily. Surely you can help.
LILY: Uh table is—ODELIA PANDAHR: Uhround your neck.
LILY: Oh.
ODELIA PANDAHR: May I? Thanks. Their eyes have been under such a—such a strain. These will do just the trick.
LILY: My bo-nocks. I watched your father triumph with them bo-nocks. They still got his winnin image in um somewheres.
ODELIA PANDAHR: I'll be on the 11 oclock update. I'm sure youll tune in.
LILY: Sure.
ODELIA PANDAHR: Enchante, Madame. Enchante Mademoiselle George.
GEORGE: Enchante! Enchante! Oui oui! Oui oui!
ODELIA PANDAHR: AU revoir, Mademoiselle. (Exits) GEORGE: Oh. Au revoir, Madame. (Pause) Just turn thuh knob. And enjoy.
(George turns on the TV)
LILY: Huh. Presto.
D.
The Front. Odelia Pandahr broadcasts live.
ODELIA PANDAHR: At this hour there is silence. Silence from the guns and swords which only hours ago smote with such deathly volume.Silence from brave troops who only hours ago charged out with the whoops of battle in their throats. Many of those throats are cut now. At this hour. And the cries which spurred them on just hours ago have fled out through their wounds to find refuge in the silence. What began some years ago as a skirmish, what some years ago was upgraded to a conflict now has all the trappings of war.Last week the destruction of This Ones troops seemed imminent as the forces of That One marched on and captured the enemy command post. Reports from the field claimed that ThisOne remained defiant vowing that the body could and would continue to fight—headless yes headless if necessary and that it did. What many of us believed and reported to you to be a "headless hen"certain to succumb with the sunset has become a very different bird altogether—striking again and again with an unbelievable fierceness and very much redefining this battle. For the Victor: comfort in the lap of the bride-who'll-be, and the bride-who'll-be is of course the most beautiful and most sought after Miss George who with her mother, Mother Lily, sits high above us on the hilltop just behind me, waiting and watching, watching and waiting. So for the Victor, comfort in the lap of the beloved and for the vanquished, for those who do not triumph, there is only comfort in the lap of the earth, here in this valley. They have renamed this valley "Miss George'sValley" after, of course, their beloved. Several minutes from now, when the troops rise and resume their positions, the wind will awake and unfurl the flags and the echo of Love will once again resound throughout Miss George's Valley. An echo like no other an echo that will not die and fall and forget and be forgotten. An echo that can only be called—"Devotion." This is Ms. Odelia Pan—
E.
The Garden. Lily and George watch TV.
GEORGE: Turn it off. (Pause) Zit off?
LILY: Ssoff. (Pause) Turn thuh knob. Hhhh. Presto.
GEORGE: Presto.
(Pause)
LILY: Ssdark.
(Pause)
GEORGE: Ssdark.
(Pause)
LILY: Ssquiet.
(Pause)
GEORGE: Ssquiet. (Pause) Zit off?
LILY: Ssoff. Love of uh girl.
GEORGE: Guess theys all dead. Or dying.
LILY: Or restin.
GEORGE: Ssquiet.
LILY: Uh huhnn. Ssquiet.
(Pause)
GEORGE: How come you called me George?
LILY: In my day we had rules. For thuh battle. Rule Number One:
No night fightin. Maybe theys observin Rule Number One.
GEORGE: How come you gived me George? As uh name?
LILY: Maybe theys lickin their wounded. I kin just hear thuh sound of uh tongue on riddled flesh. Or maybe its
uh dinner break. Maybe what I hear is lips slurpin soup. Whisperin over thuh broth. So quiet. So quiet.
GEORGE: I'm thuh only one I know named George. Seems like thuh name went out uh fashion when you used it on me.
LILY: In my day—. Hhhh. Well. We iduhnt anywhere near them days nowuhdays now is we. Hhh. Clear outa sight. Un-seed. I sure do miss my bo-nocks, George.
GEORGE: Call me somethin pretty. Somethin with uh lift at thuh end,
K, Mama Lily? Somethin like—oh Idunno—. Patty? Patty got uh French ring to it dont it?
LILY: George iz all we had.
GEORGE: Patty. Patty. Patty-Patty.
LILY: George iz all we got now, George. Huh. "Patty?" "Patty?" Huh.
Idunno. Gimmieuhminute.
GEORGE: Pattyssgot uh happy ending tuh it.
LILY: Huh. Love of uh girl. Love of uh girl. "Patty?" Huh.
Gimmieuhminute.
GEORGE: So quiet down there. HELLO? Huh. Just thuh echo. I waved my handkerchief at um this noon. Then I dropped it. N o one came runnin. My etiquettes up here goin tuh waste. French Love Words and French Love Phrases. Huh. (Pause) Quiz me.
LILY: Huh?
GEORGE: Quiz me. Quiz me before I forget.
LILY: Okay. Our lingo first. Tuh warm up. Suitor: "My sweetest flower of the morning, when your eyes open it is the dawn and when they close the sun cannot resist and sets with you. My sweetest flower, you have dropped your handkerchief" Bride-who' 11-be?
GEORGE: "As the sun itself returns to its house after providing light unto the entire world, so may you, kind Sir, return my scented cloth unto my scented hand."
LILY: Uh—. More like this: "After providing light unto the entire world which wakes first for you then proceeds upon its course, so may you, kind Sir,—" and et cetera.
GEORGE: Oh.
LILY: Lets try uhnother, K? Suitor: "In my hand I hold a diamond in my heart I hold your image. You are infinitely more beautiful fair and precious than this most precious stone. Oh my heart would be the most basest and plainest of rocks if ever you did not move me."
Bride-who Tl-be?
GEORGE: "The earth moves—as do its consorts, the planets. Daily engaged in their revolving. By its very nature, Lover, Love itself revolves, revolves to bring you back, Lover, to me."