by Paul Beatty
Froggie's father said the TV-set was a real find; a faux art-deco design of the early sixties. A true collector's item. Froggie knew instinctively his father had no idea what he was talking about. His father made up that stupid "art deco" story because he was cheap. His father's cheapness was what finally drove his mother away. That was when he and his father moved into his grandfather's house. His mother hadn't even sent a postcard.
For the past nine months, tired of bending the TV's rabbit-ear antennae, Froggie's grandfather nagged Froggie's father to get off his lumpy beer-swilling butt and, instead of living off his grandfather's old age pension, find a job and buy one of those digital flat-screen models.
"Why?" the younger asked the elder. "They cost five-thousand bucks."
"The Playboy Channel!" Again, the grandfather popped out his dentures—this time with a grotesque leer and lecherous wink.
"Why do I need the Playboy Channel? I got a stack in the closet. Plus I got some Hustlers, Gents and Nuggets, too. You can look at them any time you want. Miss June '67 is a bra-buster."
"Better picture resolution. Tsitskehs so clear you can reach out and touch 'em!"
"Just go in the closet. I'll loan you the Vaseline."
"HBO and Showtime!" the grandfather countered.
"Watch those movies six months down the line on the free channels."
"Pay-per-view!"
"On whose dime?"
"I know a guy can hook us up if we toss him a few bucks. Free movies twenty-four hours a day. Uncut. Uncensored. And not one commercial explaining how you can relieve the pain of hemorrhoid irritation!"
"I'm on parole, Pop! I could go back to prison just for being in the same room with you; listenin' to that criminal idea!"
So it went. Back and forth. Nine months. Every day. And no flat-screen with cable connection and VCR hook-up.
On the clunky television set, Sammy Davis, Jr., in a red leather suit, tap-danced up a storm. It was an old movie from the sixties. He was an emissary of Hell: "Hey, baby! On behalf of his infernal hotness, gimme som' skin on the charcoal side!"
"So he really did have horns and a tail!" Froggie's grandfather exclaimed.
"What are you talking about?" Froggie's father asked, irritated. "I don't see any horns!"
"You would if we had a flat-screen TV!"
Thinking of devils and red suits, Froggie decided to gamble and go for broke. He shook his dice, threw and asked his father those pesky Christmas questions. As his father wasn't really paying attention, Froggie came up snake eyes.
"The crucifixion was a set up," his father belched. "Poor schmuck walked right into it. What did Jesus say when the Romans flogged him on the way to Golgatha? I'm just a patsy? Where have we heard that one before? The rest of that hocus-pocus was a black psyche-op cooked up by a secret-service agent. The agent flipped out on the way to Damascus. It was an early Mk-Ultra job. They slipped him Matzoh baked with wheat rust. Saw a blazing wheel of fire. And this thing with wings and four heads.Thought it was Jesus. Made the crooked bastard a saint."
"Where did you get that crazy story?" Froggie's grandfather asked.
Froggie's father lifted his leg and farted. "Off the web. Where else?"
In disbelief, Froggie slapped his hand against his forehead. His father not only mixed up the story of Saul's conversion on the road to Damascus with Ezekiel's fire, he confused biblical lore with an episode of the X-Files!
That night, before he went to sleep, Froggie wrote a letter and left it under the upside-down Christmas tree with a glass of milk and a plate of Little Debbie cookies he had purchased in a Bodega. It read:
Dear Santa:
I'm trapped on a planet obviously meant for assholes. Help!!!
Your friend,
Froggie Chocolates
PROPHET OMEGA
i am what i am
date unknown
E mcee intro: It is time for the gospel program from the Peaceway Temple, Prophet Omega, founder and overseer.
Friends seen and unseen, people that are ridin' along in yo' auto-mo-beels, people that are sittin' at the table, I greet with the holy word peace.
For with my intimate mind I thinks constructively. For yo' minds are my mind and my mind is yo' mind and I'm sendin' out my Christ mind to you, you and you. And I'm able to draw whatsoever I want into my immediately surroundin'. But I'm sayin' to you right now let the spirit in me be in you. Yes, on last night the spirit told me to tell you . . . the spirit told me to tell you to say these words, "I am what I am." Now repeat this behind me. I am what I am and that is all I am and I am IT.
It makes no difference who you are or what you're doin', what you're tryin' to do or want to do, repeat these words, "I am what I am, and that's all I am . . . is what I am. That's all I am, look that's all, that's all I am . . . is what I am. And I am it." Now repeat those words and if you repeat the words and continue to repeat those words blessings goin' come to you.
You got to remain to bein' yo'self. You cannot be nobody else. It ain't no use in tryin' to be no whirlwind and jumpin' here and playin' checkers with your own life. That ain't goin' to work, baby.
Now repeat these words behind me. "I am what I am." Now that's all you are. You are what you believes you are. Belief is intellectual process and faith involves action.
Now do you believe that on this afternoon when you come to 488 Lamont Drive that you goin' to receive a blessin' to pay them bills? Pay your car note, house note? Now if you repeat these words, "I am what I am," and come in a good spirit, GOD goin' bless you, GOD goin' make it work for you. GOD goin' heal your pockets. Goin' heal your mind, your ideals. For GOD is in the blessin' bidness. GOD is in the healin' bidness, and the whole facts about it GOD is in all the bidness . . . and to you all that been attendin' my service know what GOD has done. Let me straighten out a little few things. I said on yesterday to those that call me, that I call rather, Lord I didn't call nobody, those that call ME. Amen, receive the word "blood." For the blood of Jesus was a stain. The blood of Jesus will do many things for you.
Now listen to me, those that was at service on last Sunday night, amen, we gave you a blessin', and I told that the shoes that I already preached on was going to repeat themselves, I read from the ninth and sixth psalms and the fifth verse.
Now GOD is movin' in a mysterious way, and GOD is doing great things . . . all over Nashville. GOD is doing great things all over the universe and everywhere my voice is being heard and everywhere I go.Even though they call me long distance, Buffalo, New York, Miami, Floridy, New Orleans, Louisiana, and not only that there children in those place I have gone GOD is workin' all through Mississippi, Arkansas, Pennsylvania, Maryland, New York City, in Michigan, and Floridy, GOD is workin' miracles in folks' life.
Now down in New Orleans, amen, they got those ol' folks the people down there they call 'em the two-head folks, but I went down there with one head and amen, I tol' 'em, I said, "I'm gonna bury all these heads and gonna bring you JESUS CHRIST!" And I brought 'em Jesus Christ and GOD moved in a mysterious way.
swollen feets
date unknown
Well, i want you to call up a friend now tell them that Omega is on the air, and that we are going to have a wonderful program this afternoon at 488 Lamont Drive, Apartment Q258. Now Christmas is approaching and it's later than you think. You want to start to preparin'yourself now for children's goods and yo' goods. Then meet this afternoon at 488 Lamont Drive in the Kentmount Apartments where the Peaceway Temple is conducting its service in apartment Q258. That's the Kent-mount Apartments, 488 Lamont Drive, Apartment Q258.
And I'd like to pause here and make an announcement about the Shipp Movin' Company who is located on Old Lexington City Highway. They been in bidness since 19 and 54 and they specialize in movin' fine furniture, your furniture, which is fine furniture. Now for a courtesy move or quick move or a right now move, and some of y'all make the move tomorrah. Some of y'all most likely might need to move next week, week after next, a month f
rom now. Then call Shipp Movin' Company.Got mens ovah there that are very courtesy and unnerstandin' and don't mind tryin' to satisfy you the customent. The company give you an estimation they don't charge you any extra money for that. And if the company move you, they don't charge you for a heavy piece, a heavier piece. And they got some beautiful girls ovah there doin' the packin' and unpackin', now this cost you extra. Now what is a little extra for safety ssss?Your glasses don't be broken, your silverware wrapped nice. And the very things that you treasure is wrapped neatly and nice. Wrapped and unwrapped. Took down and put up. Now that's the Shipp Movin'Company. You may call them at 242-5381, that's 243 . . . 242-5381, 242-5381, may God bless ya.
But for a spiritual blessin', for a spiritual healin' and advice on all problems, whether it's your marriage, whether it's crossed-up conditions, unnatural feelings . . . you think somebody did somethin' to you. And you tried doctors and they can't do it no good? Then call Prophet Omega, and I am Prophet Omega at 226-1832 and I pray for those that have swollen foots, swollen feet, swollen legs, swollen ankles, backache, headaches, cancer, heart trouble. Whatever your problem is I pray for it. And God has healed these problems. God has healed these conditions. Even if you have a financial worry, or financial problems, I pray for that too. All right, then meet me this afternoon at 488 Lamont Drive, Lamont Drive, Apartment Q258.
Now I'm supposed to be at Dr. Ross's church on Wednesday night and I'm goin' preach there and a lot of y'all like to have the address, you may call at 226-1832, 226-1832, and I will tell you exactly what the address of the place, but on Wednesday night we 'posed to be there. But tonight at six o'clock we goin' to have a divine service, a healin' service, a get what you want a get ahead service. Now is the time to start to preparin' for Christmas. Get ahead of the rest. Meet me at 488 Lamont Drive, right here in Nashville, Tennessee. And we want to dedicate this record right here to the sick and shut in, to those that are confined to their beds, to those that are behind prison bars, to those that havin' trouble in your homes, to you that are havin' trouble within yo' own self. And especial to the sick and shut-in. We also like to dedicate this to Mrs. Shelton who somehow has a swollen f o o t . . . a swollen toe rather, Trouble Do Not Last Always, by James Cleveland.
contributor notes
Franklyn Ajaye (1949— ) is a comedian, writer, and actor with numerous television and movie appearances to his credit, most recently a recurring role on HBO's Deadwood. He has released three comedy albums to date:Franklyn Ajaye, Comedian; I'm a Comedian, Seriously; and Don't Smoke Dope, Fry Your Hair.
Elizabeth Alexander (1962- ) is an award-winning poet who's authored three volumes of poetry: The Venus Hottentot, Body of Life, and Antebellum Dream Book. Presently, Ms. Alexander teaches in the Department of African American Studies at Yale University.
A staff writer for the New Yorker, Hilton Als (1961- ) has published two books: The Women, a memoir, and The Group, a portrait of James Baldwin.
Kyle Baker is an illustrator and writer. Why I Hate Saturn, The Cowboy Wally Show, Plastic Man: On the Lam are just a few of his many titles.
Toni Cade Bambara (1935-1995) was a writer and social activist most noted for her collection of short stories Gorilla, My Love and the novel The Salt Eaters.
Amiri Baraka (1937— ) is a writer and musicologist. He co-founded the Black Arts Liberation Theater. The former poet laureate of the state of New Jersey, Baraka has published several books, among them Black Music, Blues People, and Transbluency: The Selected Poems ofAmiri Baraka ILeroifones (1961-1995).
An Emmy-nominated television writer whose credits include Get Smart, The Doris Day Show, and Newhart, Gary Belkin (1927-) spent a good part of the sixties as Muhammad Ali's (then known as Cassius Clay) ghostwriter.
Tish Benson (1969?- ) is an award-winning poet, screenwriter, playwright, and solo and collaborative performance artist. Wild Like That is her most recent collection of poems. She also wrote Hairstyles, a short film produced by Lifetime television. Originally from Texas, she currently lives in Brooklyn.
Gwendolyn Brooks (1917-2000) was the Poet Laureate of Illinois. In 1949 she became the first African-American to win the Pulitzer Prize.Among her many collections of poetry are Annie Allen and The Bean Eaters.
Novelist and scholar Cecil Brown (1943- ) is the author of The Life and Loves ofMr.fiveass Nigger, Days Without Weather, and Stagolee Shot Billy. He lives in northern California.
H. Rap Brown (1943— ) was the former chairman of SNCC (the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee). In 1971 he changed his name to Jamil Abdullah al-Amin. He was once quoted as saying, "Violence is as American as cherry pie."
Sterling Brown (1901-1989) was a poet, Howard University professor, and literary critic. His first collection of poems, Southern Road, was published in 1932.
Born in New Orleans, Steve Cannon (1935- ) has made his home New York's Lower East Side for the last thirty-five years. He's the author of the underground classic Groove, Bang and five Around and director of The Gathering of the Tribes, Inc.
Wanda Coleman (1946— ) is a Los Angeles-based writer. Her most recent publications are the novel Mambo Hips & Make Believe; a volume of poetry, Mercurochrome: New Poems; and a collection of essays, The Riot Inside Me: More Trial & Tremors.
W.E.B. DuBois (1868-1963) was a noted civil rights activist and public intellectual. In 1895 he became the first African-American to receive a Ph.D. from Harvard. His seminal collection of essays The Souls of Black Folk was published in 1903. In 1909 he helped found the NAACP and served as the editor of its official magazine, The Crisis, for twenty-five years. In his later years he renounced his American citizenship and moved to Ghana, where he died at age ninety-five.
The life of short-story writer Henry Dumas (1934-1968) ended tragically when he was shot by a police officer on the New York City subway. His most recent volume is Goodbye Sweetwater: New and Selected Stories.
A key figure in African-American letters, Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872—1906) counted Orville and Wilbur Wright and Frederick Douglass amongst his supporters. He died of tuberculosis aged thirty-four.
Cornelius Eady (1954- ) is a prize-winning poet, His volumes of poetry include Brutal Imagination, Autobiography of afukebox, and You Don't Miss Your Water. He lives in New York City.
Erika Ellis (1965-) is a novelist who resides in California. Her novel Good Fences was adapted into a made-for-television movie starring Danny Glover and Whoopi Goldberg.
Trey Ellis (1962-) has penned three novels—Platitudes, Home Repairs, and Right Here, Right Now—and several screenplays, including The Inkwell and The Tuskegee Airmen. He currently lives in Southern California.
A celebrated novelist and essayist, Ralph Ellison's (1914-1994) novel Invisible Man won the National Book Award in 1953.
Percival Everett (1956- ) is the author of more than fifteen novels and short story collections. He is a professor at the University of Southern California. The novels Glyph, Erasure, and American Desert are some of his more recent publications.
John Farris (1940-) lives and writes in New York City; his latest book is a collection of poems entitled It's Not About Time.
Rudolph Fisher (1897-1934) was a writer and radiologist. As a Harlem Renaissance personality he is known mostly for the short story "The City of Refuge" and his novel The Conjure Man Dies.
Hattie Gossett (1942— ) is a poet, teacher, and recording artist. She lives in New York City and has published Presenting . . . Sister No Blues, a collection of poetry.
Sam Greenlee (1930- ) is a novelist, poet, and educator who makes his home in Chicago. His books include Baghdad Blues, Be-bop Man/Be-bop Woman: Poetry and Other Raps, and The Spook Who Sat by the Door.
Chester Himes (1909-1984) began writing while incarcerated in an Ohio penitentiary for armed robbery. He authored over sixty short stories and almost twenty novels, among them If He Hollers Let Him Go, A Rage in Harlem, and Pinktoes.
Lightnin' Hopkins (1912—1982) was a prolific country blues recording artist
known for his fast guitar style and mellow Texan drawl.
An acclaimed poet, playwright, and novelist, Langston Hughes (19021967) is synonymous with the Harlem Renaissance. He was inducted into the National Institute of Arts and Letters in 1961.
Born in Alabama, Zora Neale Hurston (1891—1960) was raised in Florida.
She moved to New York City to study sociology at Barnard College, eventually becoming a key contributor to the Harlem Renaissance. Her works include Mules and Men, Their Eyes Were Watching God, and her autobiography Dust Tracks on the Road.
Darius James (1954-) is a novelist and essayist; he lives in Berlin, Germany.He is the author of Negrophobia, That's Blaxploitation!, and Froggie Chocolates' Christmas Eve.
James Weldon Johnson (1871—1938) was a poet, songwriter, novelist, diplomat, university professor, and civil rights activist. He is best known for his novel Autobiography of an Ex-Colored Man, for the poetry volumes God's Trombones and Saint Peter Relates an Incident, and for composing the "Negro national anthem," Lift Every Voice and Sing
Bob Kaufman (1925—1986) was an esteemed and enigmatic Beat poet who after the Kennedy assassination took a vow of silence that lasted until the end of the Vietnam War. His four collections of poetry are Solitudes Crowded with Loneliness, Golden Sardine, Ancient Rain, and Cranial Guitar: Selected Poems.
Etheridge Knight's (1931—1991) poetry collection Tlie Essential Etheridge Knight won the American Book Award in 1987.
Spike Lee's (1957-) third feature film, Do the Right Thing, was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Screenplay. 4 Little Girls, his documentary about the bombing of a Birmingham, Alabama, church in 1963, received an Oscar nomination for Best Feature Documentary in 1997.
Lord Finesse, a Bronx born rapper/producer, has four solo albums to his credit: The Funky Technician, Return of the Funky Man, Tlie Awakening, and From the Crates to the Files.