by M J Marstens
I move in front of Val (it’s only honorable to protect the lady) and peer around Lover and see a whole bunch of black serpents slithering out of a hole in the wall to flood the floor. The instant that they hit the ground, they rear back in ire, their mouths open, fangs gleaming, ready to strike at anyone nearby. I remember Khepri’s words about how their venom can fell even a god and I frown. I can’t let these legless freaks hurt my friends.
“Step aside!” I command gallantly, startling everyone into doing my bidding.
Raising my hands imperiously, I let lightning dance forth from my fingertips until I’ve fried every last snake. The smell of smoked meat fills my nostrils and I realize that I’m a little hungry. I march over and pick up one singed delicacy before stuffing it in my mouth and munching it down—bones and all.
“Did ... did he just eat one of those things?!” Val whispers behind me.
“I think it’s the least strange thing he’s done, considering,” Khepri murmurs back.
Am I the strange friend, then? I would have thought Lover was. Khepri’s clearly the handsome one.
“I’m hungry from eating just lima beans,” I defend and Lover nods understandingly, which I appreciate—he seems to live up to his name.
“Hurry up. I want to swallow some snake too,” someone yells from the line behind us. “And I’m not talking about the literal kind.”
Chuckles and affirmations travel up and down the line at that.
“Let’s keep going. I’m sure this is actually the right path,” Khepri urges us on.
We walk before coming to a set of descending stairs where Khepri motions for us to pause.
“Another boobytrap,” Khepri sighs.
I shake my head in disgust. “This Ra guy is a real cocksucker,” I whisper my observation to Val, who nods in agreement with a big grin. For some reason, her grin makes my nerves dance like lighting during a storm.
“Right, basically anyone who walks through here gets speared to death,” Khepri declares, reading the new set of glyphs.
“What if a beetle were to fly through?” Val suggests.
I look around in confusion. Where are we going to get a beetle?
I turn around just in time to see Khepri shifting into one! I feel my jaw open in shocked admiration. Is there anything this man can’t do?
He flits down the steps, triggering the spears to fly out of the sides of walls, but he deftly zooms out of the way and the spears clatter to the ground. When he reaches the bottom, he shifts back into his human form and takes a bow when I applaud his efforts.
Val just shakes her head and cautiously places a foot on the first step. When nothing happens, she takes another step and another. When it’s obvious no more spears are forthcoming, she runs down to Khepri. He wraps her in his embrace.
Are they together? I wonder. My heart sinks at the thought.
Khepri holds up a hand to the line of prisoners. “You all wait here for a moment. We have a few more to rescue, before we make our grand escape,” he commands.
“Do we have to wait too?” I ask Lover, disappointed that my best friend might leave me behind.
“Hell to the no,” Lover responds and he and I jog to join the pair.
“Great job, Bestie,” I commend Khepri, who just groans.
Maybe my veneration grates on his nerves? I’ll have to reel it in.
Lover continues to light our path and I wonder if he’s not a good friend, too, like Khepri—I decide to ask him.
“We can be,” he answers, winking at me.
“What does that mean?” I whisper to Val.
“Honestly, I think it’s more than you can handle right now,” she says dryly.
“Ok,” I agree, more to be amicable than from any real understanding. “Oh, look! Your friends!”
Up ahead, the end of the hall leads to a lonely jail cell, the only one in the vicinity. It is smaller and more cramped than other cells; it looks like it exists in complete darkness most of the time. In it are two people—who, again, are vaguely familiar. Maybe I’ve been in prison a long time, and that’s why I know all these faces.
“I know you two!” I crow happily, then frown. “But, I can’t remember your names. I’m Raiden,” I announce proudly, excited that I remembered.
The one with goat legs and a furry tail poking out underneath his ugly orange prison shirt looks questioningly at the others.
“Oh, Asteio! I’m so glad you’re ok!” Val runs forward and puts her hands around the bars. The goat man walks forward, his tail wagging.
“You came!” he exclaims.
“Of course!”
She reaches between the bars and hugs him tightly. I wait patiently until she steps back and, then, take her place.
“Oh, Asteio! I’m so glad you’re ok!” I parrot, hugging him to me.
Clearly, this man is one of our crew, and we’ve missed him. But perhaps he’s not a big hugger, because he squirms in my grasp.
“Raiden’s concussed,” Val explains from behind me.
Asteio stops fighting my hold and starts to shake with laughter, while his cellmate practically chokes on his.
“And who is that?” I let go of our friend and point at his cellmate, a handsome Egyptian man with a dimple in his smile.
“He’s the Demigodling,” Khepri introduces, adding emphasis to his name. “And we’ve come to free him.”
He must be pretty important—especially locked up like this.
Why, he must be the King of the gods!
I ask Khepri this thought and he nods in confirmation.
“I knew it!” I boast.
“Right, well, come on, King of the Gods and Furry Ass. We don’t have much time,” Khepri commands, and Val rushes back up to smash the bars with her hammer—which is three times as big than before!
“Wow! She has magical tools!” I blurt out.
“So do I,” Lover says with an eyebrow waggle.
I give him a grin that feels a little silly on my face. I love these guys so much—and I love Asteio’s nickname even more. Furry Ass suits him perfectly. I throw an arm around Lover and another around Val after she’s decimated the cell. We watch the Demigodling exit first and, then, hold out a hand to escort Asteio through. He has true manners, that King of the Godlings.
“Let’s get the fuck out of here,” Khepri decrees.
“Yeah, let’s blow this popsicle stand,” she concurs.
“Let’s leave this fuck hole,” Tupac contributes.
We race back out the way we came. After we leave the spear stairwell behind and the conga-line of escaping prisoners (they’ve literally all decided to hold onto one another’s shoulders and dance their way out) has rejoined us, Khepri leads us down a hidden hallway that reveals itself when he pushes on a stone in the wall.
We head down the secret passage and toward the exit, I presume, when Khepri yells at all of us to wait. He pushes past me to get in front and groans. I groan, too. Whatever is bad for my bestie is bad for me.
“A final trap,” he spits out, fury lighting his dark blue eyes. “The Boats of Life.”
“What are those?” Val asks.
“Basically, there are two boats. One leads to our escape—or to life. The other leads to ...”
“Our death,” Val finishes for him.
“Except that Ra wouldn’t give anyone a fifty-fifty chance of escaping,” Khepri adds.
“So, they both lead to death,” Lover growls.
“Son of a bitch,” Furry Ass snarls.
“Son of a bitch!” I repeat because it feels right; then, I whisper to Asteio, “Who’s Ra’s mom? Is she that three-headed dog? What’s its name?”
The King of the Gods doubles over in laughter. “This is fucking priceless,” he finally manages to get out between his chortles.
“Did no one know Ra’s mother was a bitch but Furry Ass?” I wonder.
The others join the Demigodling’s enjoyment at learning this new fact. I do, too, because everyone needs a good laugh
now and again.
“Ok, ok,” Khepri gasps. “We’ve got to focus.”
“Leave it to me,” the King of the Gods announces before shifting into a massive bird with golden plumage and khol-lined eyes. He’s so tall that his bird head is twice my height.
He gives a screech and then with one gigantic claw, he picks up Val and Asteio (aka Furry Ass). With the other, he wraps his talons around my bestie, Lover, and me.
With a mighty flap of his wings, he sets the boats racing forward. In the distance, a light appears—the exit!
I hear the rumble of stone and look up to see a stone wall descending high overhead. I realize that the brief glimpse of freedom is merely to taunt those in the boat. The wall ahead is about to come crashing down and the boats will crash into the rubble.
Luckily, we aren’t in the boats. We are safely tucked away in the Demigodling’s sharp hooks. Faster than lightning—and I know how fast that shit can be—the King of the Gods jets forward just as the wall comes crashing down above us.
The stones tumble toward my head and I hear them splash into the water behind us. I get drenched by the wave created by the fallen wall.
I sputter, spitting out the brackish water as the Demigodling sets all of us on the step just outside the exit door. Then, he transforms once more into his human form.
Val turns back to look at the wall. Before I can blink, she’s raised her hammer and launched it through the air. It soars like an arrow, growing larger each second, until it’s the size of a semi-truck when it crashes through the wall. It rips a circular hole through the wall.
I hear the other prisoners cheer loudly. The sound of splashing reaches my ears and I know they’ve started swimming for the hole.
I smile, thinking this is over, and we’ve done it.
That’s before I realize the semi-truck sized hammer is acting like a boomerang and hurtling right back toward us.
“Duck!” Asteio yells.
We all hit the floor.
The hammer smashes through the door and the wall surrounding the door, making a nice oversized exit.
“Mjoli, shrink! Please!” Val calls out.
I glance up from where I lay on my belly and I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if that hammer doesn’t listen to her. It shrinks and lands gently in her palm.
Wait.
Am I a monkey’s uncle?
I can’t remember. I decide I’ll ask one of the guys, but they are busy with other conversations.
“That was amazing. Thank you for saving our lives,” Asteio says.
“Thank you for getting us out of there,” Khepri adds. “The boats have been an issue I could not solve alone.”
The Demigodling only shakes his head.
“I hope if any of us are in trouble in the future, you’ll repay the favor,” he counters.
“Always,” I swear fervently. “I would do anything for my friends.”
And I mean it—I would give my everything for Khepri, my bestie, and for the bewitching woman named Val. And Lover. And Furry Ass. And, of course, the King of the Gods.
Everything and anything.
11
Val
I skip into the bright sunshine of the underworld—it’s night everywhere else—and skid to a halt. There, some twenty feet in front of the Butt Hole is Dev.
Holy-shit-I-swear-it’s-true. Dev!
And that perfect man of my dreams is single-handedly manning my father’s personal cart, where Tanny and Tangy are hitched.
I’m in awe.
Without even thinking, I run up to him, jump over the side into the cart and kiss him full on the lips. He stiffens under my assault, but I’m too overjoyed to really think about how far I am crossing the sexual assault line. I’m just so happy. So relieved. So overjoyed to see him. It’s like the first time I ate Skittles. They were so overwhelmingly magnificent that I’d collapsed to my knees in the middle of the mall at age six and screamed, which Dot had laughed at me for a million times over the years. But the sight of Dev, there when I need him most, is just as magnificent as Skittles.
My lips move against his, relishing this moment and him.
To my surprise, he groans and begins kissing me back with equal ardor. His hands run sweetly over my arms and goosebumps raise under his touch.
Gods—how long have I yearned for this?
Forever, it seems like.
Before either of us can deepen the kiss like I secretly wish, I hear someone clear their throat in a very annoyed manner. I abruptly break apart from Dev, embarrassed at my wanton impulsiveness. I turn to find Lover staring daggers at Dev as he flicks his mullet over his shoulder. Bi-Polar looks torn between annoyance and amusement, but his attention is more fixed on Kung-Fu, who has grabbed his hand.
“Guys—this is Dev,” I introduce, “He’s come to help us get out of Duat!”
I can’t believe this lucky break. Not only did Dev escape Asgard—unscathed—he somehow managed to find me and bring the exact thing we need to get everyone out of the underworld! Dad’s cart can expand just like Mjoli, to fit as many people as necessary. (I may have been exposed to one too many drunken family dinner stories regaling an orgy that took place in the back of that wagon.)
I’m so happy that I could kiss Dev again, but I refrain. His cheeks and ears are bright red and he’s breathing pretty heavy ...
I think I definitely crossed a line.
Bad Val.
Very bad.
I’ll have to apologize later, though, because I have my hands full. Lover doesn’t look impressed with our human savior. In fact, he snorts when I introduce him, but I barrel on with my normal awkwardness.
“Dev, this is Lover—ah, not my lover, I mean. . .”
“Well, we were intimate together.”
My stomach drops out in horror. “You mean inmates? Cellmates?”
“Same difference,” Lover shrugs, a smug look crossing his face as Dev takes a step back and swallows hard.
“No, it’s not. We were inmates in the same cell—”
“We shared a bed,” Lover offers.
Oh hell. I don’t have time to argue with this delusional old man. I stare at Dev. “Not at the same time.”
“She means not yet at the same time. She was on the bed, while I stood on the floor. Better angle,” Lover says with a wink for me and a stink eye glare for Dev.
Holy fuck. I’m gonna have to slap that geezer. I ball my fists until Lover starts laughing. He slaps Dev on the back. “Don’t worry. I love sharing. So long as I get to watch.”
I roll my eyes upward and pray to Eir1 for patience.
Dev’s face now is entirely red and he looks furious.
“Don’t talk about Val like that—she’s a lady!” he snaps indignantly, affronted on my behalf. I’ve never seen Dev look so pissed.
I melt a little because he’s so sweet, even though I’m not really offended. Gods are flirty by nature and this guy’s been locked up for centuries; so, I really don’t take Lover’s words to heart.
Lover nods sagely.
“Like a ‘lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets’?” he asks me with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.
I burst into laughter, but Dev’s glower only grows bigger and his face gets even redder. I’m a little concerned he might actually combust.
“Stop,” I order Lover lightly.
“What? We both know that Purple Britches over there can’t satisfy you—you need a real man.”
I snort at his insinuation. “Yeah—I need a man, not someone old enough to be my great great grandfather,” I retort.
“Oooooo,” Bi-Polar taunts with a laugh, his wide shoulders shaking and drawing my eyes before I turn to see Lover frown.
By the look on Lover’s face, he’s settled for being amused by everything that’s happening. He crosses his arms over his sculpted abs (definitely not grandpa abs there) and gives us all a smirk.
Dev, on the other hand, has taken Lover’s words seriously.
“P
urple Britches?!” he splutters incredulously.
“Yeah—what the fuck, dude? What grown-ass man actually wears lavender-colored pants?” Lover demands with a sneer.
“Well, at least I’m not wearing just underwear with a fucking sun stitched over the crotch to showcase my junk!” Dev snarls right back.
I’m a little startled by the savage fury evident in Dev’s words and body language. I’ve never seen him so worked up before. Dev is always calm, cool, collected. I can’t fathom why he’s letting Lover upset him so much. But something about an angry Dev is twice as hot.
“You can’t showcase your junk because you would need a fucking magnifying glass to see it!” Lover retorts and his arrogance and confidence are somehow attractive. Maybe that’s because he combines his words with a couple of very precise pulses from his “sun.”
Well, hello, Sunshine.
“Hey! Knock it off, you two!” I yell, trying to counteract their stupidity and my body’s reactions to male caveman-esque showboating, but neither man listens to me. I look over to Bi-Polar, who just left Raiden in a corner of the cart and is now watching with a lazy smirk. “Are you going to help?!” I grit out.
He tips his head curiously at me.
“Help how? They don’t need me to intervene. Besides, I think the bigger question here is why their fighting makes you so damn wet.”
I swear to the gods I swallow my tongue and choke on it at his words. Fuck. Busted.
At least both Lover and Dev stop bickering, though.
“I’m not. . . that,” I deny in embarrassment. But as Khepri steps forward and his chest touches mine, just like it did before when he made me come in the prison hallway, I have to swallow hard. And I can’t deny the catch in my breath, or how red my cheeks get.
Lover sniffs the air.
“You smell horny as fuck to me,” Lover purrs in a deep voice that makes me even wetter.
I mean, if I were wet to begin with—because I’m totally not.
Lies.
I am.
I’m dripping like a leaky faucet of need, and not just for Dev. What’s wrong with me?
I cringe.
“Guys, we need to get out of here,” I remind everyone.
“She’s right,” Bi-Polar agrees. “We can talk about why fighting gets you off later.”