by Aaron Levy
Step 5: Give a heads-up
The first action in having the conversation is pretty simple yet all too often gets botched. The delivery of this step is vital, because it sets the stage for the conversation to come. The action here is simple: Let the other person know you want to have a conversation.
Not only is it a common courtesy to give a heads-up, but it also helps set the expectation for the other person that you’re going to be having a conversation on a particular topic. Your intuition might tell you to just spring the conversation on them; after all, you’ve done the prep and are ready to talk. Avoid this instinct.
Done well, giving a heads-up can allow the other person to feel ready, comfortable, and open to having a conversation with you. Done poorly, it can lead the other person to come into the conversation already on the defensive, with their mind closed to your ideas and feedback, and potentially angry or scared.
A good heads-up is simple. Ask the other person for time to talk, and indicate the purpose of the conversation.
If I’d had this model back then, I’d have shared the heads-up like this: “Kevin, I’d like to connect with you for thirty minutes today or tomorrow about how we can improve the way we communicate disagreements with each other.”
Here are some best bets of what to do and what to avoid when giving a heads-up:
DON’T ASK FOR JUST A FEW MINUTES; ASK FOR THIRTY OR MORE
Avoid downplaying the conversation by asking for just a few minutes. There’s no way you can hold a critical conversation in just a few minutes. Sure, you can give feedback in a few minutes, but this is a conversation where the other person is going to need time to share their perspective as well. By asking for just a few minutes, you set the conversation up for failure by creating an expectation that it will be quick and simple. Make sure there is sufficient time for the conversation to happen.
DO IT LIVE
Do not attempt to have a critical conversation via chat, text, or email. Ideally, have the conversation in person or via video chat, with phone being the last option. Make sure you’re using a communication medium where you can observe the nonverbal cues of the other person and where you can have a real-time dialogue back and forth.
DO NOT THROW A CRITICAL CONVERSATION MEETING ON THEIR CALENDAR
Don’t just put it on their calendar. This puts you in a position of power by controlling their schedule and puts them on the defensive. Instead, ask if you can find a time together.
SHARE THE PURPOSE AND NO MORE
When giving a heads-up, don’t share the details of what you want to talk about. Taken out of proper context, these details can cause more confusion and defensiveness. Instead of sharing too much, keep it concise and focused. What is the purpose of the conversation—to improve your working relationship, to make a bigger impact on client delivery, to help them take the next step in their leadership? The purpose is high level enough to give them context and broad enough to assuage the defensiveness that comes with asking for these types of conversations.
BE READY TO HAVE THE CONVERSATION NOW
You’ll find that people don’t like the idea of a critical conversation hanging over their heads. I certainly don’t. It gets my mind spinning, and the more time between getting a heads-up and having the conversation, the more stories I create in my head of what the conversation is about and what it means and what the other person thinks of me. Because you’re only sharing a snippet of what the conversation is about, the other person will likely want to have the conversation as soon as possible. Make sure you have thirty minutes to connect that day or the following.
Here’s what not to do: “Hi, Kevin. I want to talk about how we can improve the way we communicate disagreements with each other. I’m out of town the next two weeks, so let’s find a time when I get back.”
To do this step properly, you’ll need to complete and write down the upcoming steps 6 and 7 before you actually give the heads-up. That way, you’re prepared and ready to have the conversation before you notify the other person. The setup makes a difference. It impacts the way you and your colleague prepare for and think about the upcoming conversation.
Step 6: Share what didn’t work and its impact on you
Imagine you’ve completed steps 1–5 and you’re now in the room with the other person. How do you get started? Start by sharing what didn’t work. Be open, honest, and direct. You’ve already clarified this for yourself by identifying the facts of the situation. The way to think about this step is to focus on the root cause—what didn’t work.
While walking a group of leaders through these steps in one of my leadership bootcamps, Ricky, a leader of a tech team, raised her hand and asked, “How many things should I share? I’ve got three critical things Shaun missed that I need to discuss with him.” Ricky’s question was valid. When we think about finally having the critical conversation, a natural tendency is to pile on all the things we want this person to do differently. Why have multiple different conversations? Let’s just rip the Band-Aid off all at once, right? Wrong. Think about the last time a family member berated you on something you didn’t do to their liking. Then, in the middle of the conversation, they started to add more and more things you don’t do well. How does that feel? Does it make you more likely to take action on any of your shortcomings? Probably not.
I told Ricky what I’ll tell you: Pick one—only one. First, start by asking yourself, What’s at the root of this behavior? Which one fact from the many you’ve captured, if changed, would make the biggest impact and transition toward the outcome you’re trying to achieve?
This step is hard, because it requires us to focus on what we really want out of the conversation. You might have thought you knew the behavior you wanted to see changed, but only when you have put words to just one item are you ready to share it with the other person. How can you expect them to change if you’re not clear on what action of theirs didn’t work?
Once you are clear on what didn’t work, you then have an opportunity to share the impact the incident had on you or the business. Try to avoid speaking for others about how this person’s behavior impacted them. Rather, share what didn’t work and its impact on you. Your colleague can’t deny those effects, and it adds a bit more weight to why you are sitting down in the first place.
Example:
Restate the purpose
“Kevin, I wanted to sit down because I’m concerned about how we communicate disagreements with each other. I’d like to share my perspective, hear yours, and have a conversation about how we can improve the way we communicate.”
Share what didn’t work
“During our account review meeting last week, after I shared an idea for how to solve ABC Corp.’s complaint, I noticed you ended the conversation by leaving the room.”
And its impact
“It stopped our meeting in its tracks. We weren’t able to come to a solution for how to approach ABC Corp. I fear our inability to communicate disagreements with each other will hold us back from serving our clients’ needs and succeeding as a business.”
ACTIVITY: THE ROOT CAUSE
• Restate the purpose of the conversation.
• Write down what didn’t work. − Look back at your facts section, and pick the action the other person did that didn’t work. It is OK to share a few actions that highlight the main action.
− For example, “Kevin left the room” highlights the main action of him shutting down the conversation after I shared a different idea.
• Document the impact of the main action.
Although there may be many things you want to address, pick only one, the one that if addressed will make the biggest impact on the desired outcome you’d like to achieve. When you focus on this one, you make it easier for the other person to take in the feedback and improve your odds of reaching a successful outcome together.
Step 7: Make a request
When you make the request for change, it’s up to you to be clear about what you want th
e other person to do differently. It’s one thing to share what didn’t work and the impact; the next thing to do is obvious but important not to miss. Make your request of the other person.
Example:
Restate the purpose
“Kevin, I wanted to sit down because I’m concerned about how we communicate disagreements with each other. I’d like to share my perspective, hear yours, and have a conversation about how we can improve the way we communicate.”
Share what didn’t work
“During our account review meeting last week, after I shared an idea for how to solve ABC Corp.’s complaint, I noticed you ended the conversation by leaving the room.”
Its impact
“It stopped our meeting in its tracks. We weren’t able to come to a solution for how to approach ABC Corp. I fear our inability to communicate disagreements with each other will hold us back from serving our clients’ needs and succeeding as a business.”
Make your request
“When we come to a disagreement, I’d like you to ask me for the reasoning behind my opinion.”
Here are some best bets for making a request:
MAKE A REQUEST, NOT A DEMAND
If you are having a critical conversation with a direct report, you must still make a request of them. If you expect them to do what you say, then it’s simply a demand dressed up as a request. If you’re not open to leaving the room with a different outcome than what you’ve requested, this is not a critical conversation; it’s a reprimand, an ultimatum, or just direct feedback. I’m not saying each of these doesn’t have a role in the workplace; what I’m saying is that these are not critical conversations.
If you remember from earlier in the chapter, a critical conversation requires both parties to be involved, to share their perspectives, and to work together to reach the optimal solution. By masking a request as a demand, you run the risk of making your colleague feel trapped and possibly tricked, because your words don’t match your actions and expectations. Check your intention before you have this conversation. Ensure you’re open to having a real conversation and having it go in a direction you can’t readily predict.
SAY WHAT YOU WANT—NOT WHAT YOU DON’T WANT
Instead of telling them what you want them to stop doing, take it a step further by offering what you want them to do instead. You’ll notice in the previous example, I didn’t ask Kevin to stop storming out of the room or to stop shutting down conversations where we disagree. Instead, I asked him to engage me by asking questions, which would require him to remain in the conversation with me.
BE CLEAR ON THE ACTIONS YOU WANT THEM TO DO—NOT WHO YOU WANT THEM TO BE
We tend to insert our judgments and evaluations of the other person here: Stop being a jerk; stop losing your temper with me; remain cool, calm, and collected when we disagree. But none of these are actions. They are ways of being, which are difficult to change, even if the other person is entirely on board. Instead, share the specific action you want them to take. This provides multiple benefits: It will be easier for the other person to take action and for you to assess whether they are doing it. More specific means easier to measure and assess.
It’s easy to look at this step and get tripped up. Where do I start? How do I make sure to use the right language? How can I write out the specific actions? Here’s a little secret: You already did the hard work for this step when you focused on the facts and again when you wrote out what didn’t work. Making the request is usually as simple as taking what didn’t work and turning it into a request of what you want them to do. Try it out now.
ACTIVITY: YOUR REQUEST
• Write down your request now.
When you ask for what you want, when you make it clear and actionable, you increase your chances of getting it. So be clear here.
Step 8: Create an opening for possibility
Creating an opening for possibility is the most missed or misused step in the process. It’s the difference between the request being a demand or an ultimatum and it being part of a critical conversation. Making a request does not lead to the outcome of the conversation; it’s actually just the start. Steps 6 and 7 only take up the first few minutes of the critical conversation. The bulk of the conversation sits here, in creating an opening for possibility. This is where you actually have to be open to the idea that the other person’s perspective might change your outcome, open to how they see the situation. Being open to possibility requires you to listen to the other person with intention and attention and to ask powerful questions as they share. It requires you to use the skills you’ve already built up in chapters 4 and 5.
To give you a better frame of reference for how to hold the conversation, here’s a tool you can use to plan out and prepare for your upcoming critical conversation.
ACTIVITY: DIAGRAMMING THE DISCUSSION
This diagram should give you a better picture of how important creating an opening is.
5 minutes Share what didn’t work, its impact and your request
20 minutes Create an opening for possibility
5 minutes Align on next steps
This step is where the conversation really happens, as you can see from the diagram. Although you’ve spent a considerable amount of time preparing for the conversation, taken a step back, thought about the purpose, and communicated your request, all of those steps are designed to allow you now just to be in the conversation with the other person, to be open to the possibilities that come from listening and asking. Once you share your request, shut up and listen.
With Kevin, it was time to get out of my head and listen to his side of the story, to hear his perspective. In listening to Kevin, I began to see the situation differently, to empathize the line he was balancing between making our client happy and making sure we provide the best product to them. Though he could see how some of the suggested changes hindered our operational effectiveness, he was more worried that by not making the changes, we could lose the client. By creating an opening for possibility, Kevin and I were better able to understand each other and align on a common goal, setting our business up to succeed in the long term.
The power of being open is best highlighted in the story of C. P. Ellis and Ann Atwater. It takes place in the middle of the civil rights movement in the 1970s in America. At the time, C. P. Ellis was the president of the Durham, North Carolina, Ku Klux Klan chapter and was forced into working alongside Ann Atwater, a black female civil rights activist, when they were named co-chairs of a school board project to plan how to desegregate the Durham public schools. They obviously had very different opinions about how and to what level this should happen for the students. They came from different backgrounds, had vastly different perspectives on the world, and were now paired together to come up with the best possible solution for the students of Durham.
Instead of trying to convince Ellis of her position, Atwater started by listening and being open. After ten days of meetings together, an unexpected transformation occurred: Ellis resigned from the KKK and took up as a civil rights activist.
When asked to share what had happened, Ellis said, “I used to think that Ann Atwater was the meanest black woman I’d ever seen in my life . . . But, you know, her and I got together one day for an hour or two and talked. And she is trying to help her people like I’m trying to help my people.”3
In feeling more connected to Atwater, Ellis realized he could no longer hold his racist beliefs and renounced his membership in the Klan. All Atwater did was create an opening for possibility. She listened, found common ground, and was open to a possibility that no one could have imagined ten days prior. The impact of this step can be profound.
Step 9: Align on the next steps
Since we each have our own filter, our own unique way in which we see, hear, and experience the world, it’s fairly easy to misunderstand each other in conversation. What you thought you agreed to in your discussion may be misinterpreted or could have been ill defined; a week later, you may find
yourself facing the same issues as before. This happens when you fail to clearly align on the next steps.
It’s this last step, the one that’s actually the easiest and simplest to complete, that we must not skip. If you’ve created a true opening for possibility, the outcome from this step will probably be a bit different from the request you made while still driving toward your desired outcome, meeting the purpose of the conversation.
The best way to make sure you’re aligned is, prior to leaving the meeting, to recap the actions each of you will take in the coming days. Don’t leave the room without ensuring confirmation on next steps. Sometimes that may mean the next steps are to schedule more time to continue the conversation if you’ve not been able to finish it properly. Then follow up with an email asking for confirmation of the agreed-upon action steps.
Example
“Kevin, thank you for taking the time to sit down and talk about how we can improve the way we communicate with each other.