by Nikki Marsh
"The truth was Lucinda and PopáJean didn't have enough power to make Suzanne stop loving Phonse. Nothing worked. That's how much Suzanne loved Phonse."
Maman explained how Auntie had continued to defy Granpopá's wishes. He begged Maman to use her power and knowledge from the Grimoire to help Lucinda. He worried she would disgrace the family.
"At first, I refused, but they did not relent, and, in a moment of weakness, I gave in. I agreed to make Suzanne forget about Phonse. I can't tell you why I agreed, but the important thing is I did. I take responsibility for that. I demanded Neni give me the Grimoire. Even she saw how obsessed Lucinda was over Phonse. You must understand I had no training in how to use the Grimoire or how to interpret its signs and formulas. Miss Marie warned me that having the knowledge without the understanding was courting danger."
"So, I got the Grimoire, and I searched for a way to help Lucinda. I found a 'Kill the Love' ritual from the Grimoire. It should have killed Suzanne's love for Phonse once and for all."
Maman took another deep breath before continuing.
"I should have listened to Neni because something went horribly wrong. Instead of killing Suzanne's love for Phonse, I killed Suzanne. I blamed myself. I blamed Popá. I blamed Lucinda. We all killed her, but Popá and Lucinda said none of us were to blame. They convinced themselves Suzanne died of an unfortunate accident because we had never intended to kill her. We may not have intended to kill her, but kill her we did. We all had her blood on our hands. I begged God for His forgiveness and promised Him I would never use my powers again - for good or for evil. And, I have kept my promise. I never wanted our legacy to burden you. Before I moved to Buras, I gave the Grimoire to Neni for safe keeping. I didn't take it with me to my new life. I broke all ties with Popá and Lucinda."
All this time, I had believed Granpopá and Lucinda wanted nothing to do with us. But it was Maman who wanted nothing to do with them.
"Before your Granpopá died, he wrote me a letter finally owning up to his part in Suzanne's murder and expressing regret that he had never tried to reconcile with me or get to know you. Lucinda never gave up her search for the Grimoire, but he kept it hidden in the crypt. To protect the family, he took it with him to the Land of the Dead."
"Now Suzanne has killed Brigitte. She's gotten some revenge on Lucinda. I'm afraid she may come after you. I'm also afraid Lucinda will do anything to take revenge on me."
"Why?"
"Because she begged me to save Brigitte, but I couldn't. I didn't have the Grimoire, and even if I did, I would never break the promise I made to God."
"Why didn't you tell her it's in the Land of the Dead?"
"The night of the ball, when Lucinda combed your hair, she saw the Mark of Righteousness over your ear. She knows what that means. If I tell her it's in the Land of the Dead, she will use you to get it for herself. The Grimoire may be our only protection from Suzanne and possibly from Lucinda, too."
I asked Maman why Suzanne had waited all these years to get her revenge, but she didn't know. Maybe her attachment to Phonse had survived her death, and something triggered her revenge.
"The spirit you saw today was Suzanne. That means she still hasn't satisfied her appetite for revenge. She hasn't crossed over. You must cross the Veil to get the Grimoire."
"I don't want to cross the Veil, Maman. I don't want any of this. I'm afraid."
"I know, but the thought that Suzanne or Auntie will harm you frightens me more."
"But my powers are not that strong," I protested.
"They will be soon."
As she sat silently in the chair, I regressed to my younger days in Buras. I got her brush from the dresser, unpinned her bun, and stroked her hair just like she used to let me do as a child. Now I understood her regrets and remorse. I understood the sadness and faraway look in her eyes. I understood her prayers every night to keep the bad things away.
I had trouble sleeping that night thinking of Maman as a bad person, as a person who had killed even though she had no intention of doing so. As these thoughts raced through my mind, the enormity of what she had confessed sank in. If Stefan ever found out the part she played in Suzanne's death, how could he ever love me?
I wanted to distance myself from Maman, not that I didn't love her, but because I didn't want to be like her. I didn't want to use my power recklessly. I resented my birthright. I resented Maman for what she had done. In that moment, I embraced my loneliness and, by embracing it, I didn't have to depend on others to keep me safe. I had to learn to depend on myself.
Auntie gave into her grief the next day and retreated to her bedroom for the rest of the week. Uncle plowed through his grief with work, leaving early for the market each morning and not returning until after supper. Stefan turned to his schoolwork to dull his memory of Brigitte. I turned to Maman, despite her mistakes, and tried to ease my resentment.
Most mornings, Stefan and I were the only ones at breakfast now. We made small talk. With all that had happened, neither of us was ready for a serious conversation.
"When are you going back to school?"
"I can finish out the term at home if I want."
"Do you?"
"I'm considering it."
I hoped he would stay. Since he had not mentioned anything about Emilie since the ball, I was confident she was out of the picture. If he stayed, it would give me more time to get closer to him before he found out the truth. If he loved me, it wouldn't matter what Maman did. He would love me for myself. I wanted him to love me for myself, not because I cast a spell on him.
✽✽✽
After breakfast, I visited Miss Marie. It was time to own up to what I had done to Emilee. She met me at the door.
"I've been expectin' you."
She took me to her work area and sat me down, but she didn't say a word. She waited for me to confess. I had to own up to my mistakes to move forward.
"There's something I have to tell you." I started with the good news. I told her about my visit with Pisatuntema and how much I had learned. I told her I was studying the Book of General Spells and Knowledge and was learning a lot from it. Then I confessed what I did to Emilee and Julian and told her how ashamed I was.
She looked more disappointed than angry although her words condemned me.
"You have broken your sacred promise, a promise you made not to me but to the Gran Met. It isn't my place to forgive you. The Gran Met must forgive you, but it will be in his own time."
After hearing my confession, she bowed her head and recited scripture.
The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:8-12
She looked me in the eye.
"Do you understand the scripture?"
"Yes. I must ask for His forgiveness, but I don't know how."
"Think about the people you harmed. Write their names on one sheet of paper. On a second sheet, write a prayer asking His forgiveness. On a third, write the sign that will let you know He has forgiven you. I will give you a Penance Jar. Fold each sheet and put them in it. Bring it to me tomorrow. I will anoint it with my Oil of Forgiveness and place it on my altar."
She continued, "You broke your sacred vow and are not worthy to continue on your journey until He forgives you. When He does, return to me for guidance. Know that even if the Almighty forgives you soon, I won't until you make amends to those you have harmed."
"I don't know how to make up for what I've done."
My guilt, my pent-up grief, my remorse, and my worries over the future overwhelmed me. I broke down in tears. After I regained my composure, I told her Maman's life was at stake and explained why I needed to cross the Veil. I begged her to help me. I n
eeded my power now more than ever.
"Let this be a lesson. When you abuse your power, you risk not having it when you need it most. No good can ever come of it. Power in the hand of the unfaithful is dangerous."
I deserved my punishment, but not those who suffered because of my mistake.
She stood over me, her voice resounding with righteous anger.
"The ghost of Suzanne is justified in seeking revenge on the guilty. Her indignation is righteous. But, exacting revenge on the innocent is never be justified. She abused her power just as you abused yours."
She stopped and closed her eyes for a few minutes before continuing.
"Suzanne's misguided vengeance might help you because, like you, she may not have her power when she needs it most."
"Isn't there something I can do?" I pleaded.
"Come back when He has forgiven you."
I left Miss Marie feeling sorry I had let her down and mad at myself for hurting Emilie and Julian. What seemed harmless at the time wasn't. Just when I needed Miss Marie's help most, I couldn't count on it. Suzanne would not stop until she got revenge on Maman and me. I was sure of that. Was she planning to kill me like Brigitte? Was she planning to kill Maman instead? I didn't have the answers, only more questions. I had to figure out something soon, but first I had to wait for His forgiveness.
Chapter Thirteen
Repentance
That night, I wrote the names of Stefan and Emilie on the first sheet of paper. I had harmed them both. On the second sheet, I wrote the prayer. Since I didn't understand how to do this, I used the Lord's Prayer as my model. I addressed God and recognized his Greatness. I admitted my sins and ended by asking Him to forgive me.
Oh Great Creator
Father Almighty
Forgiver of Sins,
I have hurt others.
I broke by word.
I have been selfish.
I regret the harm I caused
And beg you to forgive me.
I promise never to harm anyone ever again.
Amen.
The last part was the easiest. I asked Him to give me a sign He had forgiven me by sending me a dream about Popá. The next morning, I took the bottle to Miss Marie and waited to hear from God.
Miss Marie demanded me to make amends to Emile and Julian before she would work with me again, even if He forgave me. I thought about some options, but none appealed to me. I could tell Emilie the outright truth. I hated that option. That wouldn't change anything because people would remember her bad breath. I considered using the skills I had learned, but I knew Miss Marie wouldn't like that. My only other option was to find someone who could help me. Who could I turn to? Maman had rejected her power, and, even if she still had it, I never wanted her to discover what I had done to Emilee. It occurred to me Felicie might help. She had a ritual for everything but no real power. I even considered Papa Jean.
Over the next week, I waited for God. Every night. I missed Brigitte and hoped her spirit might appear to me to let me know she was all right. She didn't. I prepared myself for a visit from Suzanne, but she made no appearance either. I made a point of staying close to Maman in case Suzanne tried to harm her.
✽✽✽
Later that week, Stefan asked me to walk with him to Julian's. Ever since Brigitte had died, he suffered agonizing headaches and thought the fresh air would help. The reality of Brigitte's death sank in gradually. Our collective grief put an oppressive weight on the house, splintering it into factions. Auntie rarely emerged from her room. Uncle Phonse stayed away from the house as much as he could, and Maman kept to herself, grieving in silence.
Auntie converted Brigitte's bedroom into a shrine. A table, complete with a crucifix, candles, bible, and holy water, served as the altar. She gave Felicie strict orders not to disturb anything. The room remained exactly as it was the day Brigitte died, except for the bed linens. Auntie instructed Felicia to remove, but not wash them. Instead, she packed them in a cedar box, added dried, perfumed flowers, and tied a black ribbon around it. She kept it on a shelf in her closet. I moved to a smaller storage room which Auntie converted to a lovely bedroom.
On our walk, Stefan didn't say much. He seemed lost in thought.
"Gabbie? Do you think there may be something strange going on in the house?"
"Strange? You mean like how Auntie is acting?"
"Partially. I know how Brigitte's death is affecting me. I'm even sadder than I thought I'd be."
"Me too, but that's not strange. We may be sad for a long time."
"Yes, but it's not that." Stefan hesitated before continuing.
"I've known unbearable sadness, and so have you. It never completely goes away."
"That's true for me, Stefan. I think about Popá a lot, but I remember the happy times, and that makes me less sad. I miss him for sure, but somehow he is still a part of me and is never far away in my heart."
"The storm uprooted you. It hurt your Maman, and it forced you to move in with strangers, really. You had so much to worry about that it pushed away your grief."
I never looked at it like that, but Stefan could be right. He continued.
"Each of us is mourning alone, keeping to ourselves, never speaking Brigitte's name. Lucinda won't leave her room except to worship at Brigitte's shrine. Phonse leaves the house as early as he can and stays away as much as he can. Your Maman keeps to herself. You and I find ways to occupy our time. And, I'm not sure what Felicie is doing."
"Felicie? What's happening with her?"
"I think she is trying some kind of 'Kill the Grief' ritual on me."
"On you! What makes you think that?" I doubted that Felicie would try anything like that under Auntie's roof, but this piqued my interest.
"I'm finding strange things in my room. Like this morning, I found a conjure bag of what looks like some kind of dirt mixed with crushed bones."
"You did? Where?"
"On the floor next to my bed. It must have been under my pillow or in my bed at some point. I tossed and turned so much last night that I may have dislodged it. I know how superstitious Felicie is, although she does a good job of hiding it from Lucinda. It might be something she conjured to make me feel better. What do you think?"
I took a minute to gather my thoughts. If Felicie was responsible, then the spell was harmless. If it wasn't Felicie, then the spell might be malicious. I didn't want to alarm Stefan. So, I lied.
"It sounds like something she would do, all right. It's probably harmless. If you want me to, I'll ask her about it? I think she would tell me."
"No, don't do that. She's sensitive about her weird superstitions and rituals. If she thinks she is helping me, I don't want to take that away from her." I liked him for taking her feelings into account.
"Have you noticed anything like that in your room, Gabbie?"
"No, I haven't."
The more I thought about it, the more uneasy I became. I couldn't imagine Felicie would be the one leaving those items in his room. Why would she? Why would she risk Auntie's wrath? Why would she choose only Stefan? She wouldn't. No. Felicie didn't do this. Lucinda did. She blamed Suzanne for Brigitte's death. It made sense she would get her revenge on someone Suzanne loved - Stefan. "An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth". That made sense to me.
I wanted to be honest with Stefan about my suspicions. I couldn't without telling him the whole story. I needed someone to talk to, someone who would be honest but not judgmental. I couldn't talk to Maman. Felicie and Neni were incapable of being non-judgmental. I couldn't turn to Miss Marie. The only one I trusted was Julian.
We stayed at Julian's for an hour, talking and even laughing a little, something we hadn't done in a while. Stefan wanted to stop by the cemetery to visit Brigitte's grave, but I needed to talk to Julian.
"I'm not ready to do that yet, Stefan, but you go. Anyway, I'm looking forward to Grann's pralines and lemonade. It's been a while since I've had them."
Julian offered to walk me home, a
nd the look of disappointment on Stefan's face surprised me. I took it as a good sign, a sign he wanted to spend time with me, too.
As soon as he left, Julian asked me why I passed up an opportunity to spend time alone with Stefan. He didn't expect my answer.
"Julian," I took a deep breath, "I know why Bridget died."
"You know why she got so sick?"
"Not exactly."
"Then what?"
"You remember what I told you that day at the cemetery?"
"Could I ever forget? It's not every day I meet a girl who can live in both worlds."
"I didn't say I could live in both worlds. I said I can cross the Veil that separates the living from the dead and communicate with both."
I had to correct him so he would understand before I continued.
"Do you know what I remember most about that day?" I asked.
"No."
"You said you believed me, and that made me trust you."
"I do believe you, Gabbie. I know you well enough now to believe anything you tell me. I admit I don't completely understand how all this works, but I believe you."
He paused, then brought up his Maman.
"My Maman believed some people could connect, in some way, after death. After my father died, she even attended some seances hoping to reach him. That never happened. But she told me there were times she felt his presence, especially after she got so sick, like he wanted to tell her something."
"I think he was." I took another deep breath.
"Julian, I have this thing...this Gift I didn't ask for and don't want. But, since I do, I need to learn how to use it for good, to help others. Do you understand that?"
"That's easy to understand," he reassured me.
"Well, so far, I haven't used my Gift for good."
"What do you mean?" he probed.
I told him all about Miss Marie and what I was learning. I even told him I had already experimented with a few harmless curses.
"Like what?"
I thought about telling him he was the subject of my first attempt but decided this wasn’t the right time.