by M J Hardy
Like your marriage.
That nagging little voice inside my head won’t go away and so I try to silence it by saying brightly, “Shall we go out today?”
Ronnie looks up in surprise and I stifle a giggle because he looks so astonished, I could have told him I was running for Prime Minister. “What... out? Out where exactly?”
“I don’t know, maybe go for a walk, or head to the shops.”
“A walk? Are you bloody mad? It's pissing down outside and you want to go for a walk? Honestly, Emma, you’re losing it.”
He carries on eating and I try again. “Well, ok, maybe a walk was a stupid suggestion but we should get out. Maybe have lunch somewhere; what about that pub in town that’s just been refurbished? I’ve heard good things about that.”
He shakes his head. “Who from?”
“What do you mean?”
“Who did you hear that from?”
I feel a little thrown and just stare at him in confusion and he rolls his eyes. “I said who did you hear that from because if my memory serves me correctly, you don’t have anyone who would tell you about the ‘nice new pub’ in town. In fact, Emma, I can’t remember when you last spoke to anyone who wasn’t a customer, me included.”
“What do you mean?” My voice sounds weak and incredulous even to my own ears and Ronnie laughs but it just sounds mocking and brutal as he snaps, “You are so wrapped up in your own little world, you don’t see half of what’s going on around you. We never speak, we never touch, and we never communicate in any way at all. I work hard and I’ll admit you do too, but we have zero to show for it. Why do we even bother because this isn’t a marriage, it’s a…”
He breaks off and pushes his plate away angrily.
“It’s what, Ronnie?”
I’m not afraid of his answer, in fact I almost welcome it because maybe, like me, he has concluded that this marriage is a sham and wants out. This could be the best conversation we’ve had for years and so I hold my breath and wait for the final blow.
“I want us to have a baby.”
I stare at him in shock and he nods. “We can’t go on this way for much longer and need to inject new life into our marriage. I’ve been thinking about it for some time and the more I have, the more I’ve realised what’s missing.”
“A baby, are you mad?”
He looks angry and I feel the irritation reach boiling point inside me. “I thought you were going to ask for a divorce. I thought you had given up on our marriage and wanted out. I thought we were done and there was no going back and you want a baby! Are you mad?”
Ronnie’s eyes narrow and he says icily, “Of course I want a baby, any sane person would. We are married for god’s sake; it is what people do. They set up home and have a family, but not us. No, we’ve fallen into some sort of friendship couple because you are so bloody cold you freeze my balls off. So, yes, I want us to have a baby because that’s obviously what’s missing in our lives. You can give up work, we’ll manage. I’ve been saving for some time now, so what’s the point of money in the bank and working all the hours God sends to add to it. Now is our time, Emma. We need this, this life we lead, it’s not normal. In fact, this whole set up isn’t normal and you’re deluded if you think it is.”
He reaches across the table and takes my hand, lowering his voice. “I’m sorry, babe, I must take my share of the blame. I’m never here and have neglected you for a while. I want us to be a proper couple again. I want us to laugh and actually speak to each other. I want this home to be full of life, instead of just a place to come home to after work and rest before going back there. We need to shock this marriage back into life and what better way than adding another to it. What do you say Emma, shall we give this a go?”
As I stare at him, I am totally mesmerised because the sullen, whining husband I’m used to seeing, has been replaced by the boy I fell in love with. The years have just melted away and he is sitting before me offering me the promise of a new life full of excitement and shared dreams. I can’t even form words because I’m back in a time when my life held promise and excitement. Could this be the solution to our problems? Do I want a baby – with him?
He kisses my hand and says gently, “I think you’re right. Go and get glammed up and I’ll take you out somewhere. The chores can wait for one day, we need to talk.”
“But the dishes?”
He smiles. “I’ll see to them. Decide on a place you want to go and I’ll take you. Today is your day and nothing is too much trouble.”
Nodding, I scrape back my chair and leave the room as if on autopilot. A date…with my husband? I should be ecstatic, but I’m not. I don’t want to make conversation with him; I want to walk away to a bright new world. Then again, maybe I do owe him this last shot at saving something that once meant everything to me. Maybe he’ll agree that a change is as good as a rest and support me in my change of career.
Feeling a little brighter, I head back to my room and select a different outfit for the day. Yes, Ronnie’s right, we need to shake this marriage up – our lives up, but he’s wrong about the solution to our problems. I don’t need a baby, I need a career, not a job.
5
It feels strange being out on a date with Ronnie. I can’t remember the last time we actually spent time together, which is shocking considering we’re married.
He is surprising me today. There’s something different about him that I can’t put my finger on. I actually think he’s listening to me and I’m feeling quite excited for the day ahead.
As we set off, he says cheerily, “I thought we could go to town and you can buy something nice. Then I’ll treat you to lunch at that new pub you told me about earlier.”
I feel a little wrong-footed and say softly, “What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“This… going out, buying me something; the lunch and the sex. What’s really going on, Ronnie?”
He sighs and I regret saying anything as he says wearily, “I’ve been thinking a lot lately. It’s quite lonely driving around town late at night, and it got me looking at our lives. When did things change for us because I can’t remember the turning point?”
I fall silent because it appears he has been having much the same thoughts as me. Shrugging, I say in a whisper, “I don’t know.”
“The thing is, Emma, I don’t think I know you anymore. We hardly spend any time together, and that’s not good. I drive couples around who actually talk and can you believe, laugh occasionally? Sometimes they even appear to enjoy each other’s company and I want that – for us.”
Every word he’s saying is true and yet I worry that I’ve moved further apart than he has because it’s not my marriage I’m intent on saving, it’s my own future without him in it. Is there still time for us, or have I already given up? He deserves the chance at least, so I inject a little warmth in my voice and try to sound excited. “You’re right; we need this day. I’ve been unhappy for a while now and something needs to change and this is a good start.”
He looks happier and it feels good to see. Maybe I’m being a little too harsh on him. Everyone deserves a second chance, don’t they?
By the time we arrive in town, we have reached a certain understanding. Today is the day we start trying. If it doesn’t work out, then at least we gave it our best shot.
For the first time in absolutely ages, I go shopping with my husband. We wander in and out of the shops and he even grabs my hand on the odd occasion, which feels nice. He treats me to a pretty dress I admire on the mannequin in a dress shop window, and I actually laugh a couple of times at something he says. As the day progresses, it’s as if we are walking out of a choking, oppressive fog. The man I fell in love with all those years ago appears to be still there, and soon I feel relaxed and easy around him and increasingly attracted to the man I married.
By the time we arrive at the pub for lunch, I am feeling quite upbeat about our future and from the look in his eyes, he feels the s
ame. I even can’t wait to return home and finish what we started earlier because this Ronnie is an attractive man, who I want to know again - intimately.
We are shown to a table by the window and as I peruse the menu, he says quickly, “Sorry, I need a call of nature. I won’t be long. If the waiter comes, order me a steak and the usual beer.”
He winks as he heads off and I smile. Yes, I married this man for a reason which is coming back to me now. Maybe it’s not too late after all.
I make my own selection and look around with interest. The pub used to be quite dated but is under new management and they have refurbished it well. It’s a lot more modern and up to date, and the furnishings are warm and comfortable. As I look around, I study the people sitting at the nearby tables and feel happy to be one of them for a change. The conversation is loud and there is much laughter. Couples, friends and families are all enjoying their lunch and suddenly Ronnie’s suggestion of starting a family doesn’t seem such a bad idea.
I see him walk back into the bar and my heart flutters. He was always an impressive looking man, dark hair cut close and deep velvet brown eyes that I used to lose my soul in. Six-foot-tall with a muscular body that hasn’t changed. He works out and subsequently his body has developed into one he can be proud of and now, seeing him through an open pair of eyes, I feel the unfamiliar stirring of lust grip me hard.
I am slightly surprised when he doesn’t head straight back and leans across the bar in conversation with the bartender. He can’t see me looking and I notice the bartender point in the direction of the door at the end and Ronnie nods and heads in that direction. Maybe the restrooms are through there and he made a wrong turn? However, I see the arrow for the men’s pointing back the way he came and I’m curious. If I lean slightly back, I can just about see through the open door and notice him heading to the far side and shuffle towards a table at the end. There is one person sitting there and I can see it’s a woman. Straining to see, I watch as he slips into the seat opposite her and I can just about make out her expression. She looks wary.
Feeling extremely curious, I leave my seat and edge towards the door, making sure I’m hidden from view and pretend to be looking for something. I suppose I am because I see the woman’s face clearly as she says something to him urgently, and even from here, I can tell she’s upset. Ronnie is shaking his head and I see his fists balled tightly, which he always does when he’s angry. The woman appears to be crying and goes to say something, but he stands and I scurry back to my chair, my heart hammering within me as I sense something isn’t quite right.
Quickly, I sit back down and lift the glass of water to my lips as the waiter heads over.
“Are you ready to order, madam?”
Nodding like a fool, I say quickly, “Um, steak and fries and a bottle of Peroni please. I’ll have fish and chips and a glass of house red, thank you.”
As he notes down my order, Ronnie heads back and smiles. “Sorry about that. I had to wait longer than I thought. Have you ordered?”
The waiter reels off the order and he nods with satisfaction. “Perfect.”
As the waiter heads off, Ronnie takes his seat and smiles. “Well, this is a rare treat, isn’t it?”
I nod but can’t form words as I struggle to ask what’s at the forefront of my mind. I take a sip of water as he looks around and smiles. “This place looks much better. It was a good idea to come here.”
My throat feels dry and there is something beating me up inside. It’s the knowledge he isn’t going to say a word about what just happened, which makes me wonder why. I quickly glance over at the table in the next room and notice the woman staring at us with a frozen expression. Something about her unnerves me and it must show on my face because Ronnie follows my gaze and says, “What’s the matter, babe, you look as if you’ve seen a ghost?”
I can’t help it and blurt out, “Do you see that woman over there, do you know her?”
He doesn’t miss a beat. “That’s Caroline, Stuart’s wife. Maybe he’s around somewhere.”
“Didn’t she say?”
He looks surprised and a little on edge as I say bluntly, “I saw you talking to her.”
If a flash of guilt shows in his expression, it’s a fleeting one because he shrugs. “The barman told me she’d been there for two hours drinking solid. He asked if I was with her and I told him no, but I knew who she belonged to.”
I stare at him incredulously. “Belonged to; are you kidding?”
“What, I’m just joking?”
He looks across at the woman and sighs. “Poor love, she’s a bit deranged. It’s due to her drinking problem. Stuart doesn’t know what to do for the best, maybe I should call him.”
He whips out his phone and I watch as he dials the number and says loudly, “Stu, it’s Ronnie. Yes… um... ok… but that’s not the reason I’ve called. Caroline’s in the Blue Star; you know, the one by the iron bridge. I’m here with Emma and recognised her. You should get down here mate, it looks as if she’s had a few already.”
He nods and says quickly, “No problem, anytime. See you Thursday.”
He cuts the call and I say in surprise, “Thursday?”
“Yes, the card game. Stuart’s one of the club. It’s at his house this week and I hope she’s not around.”
“Why?”
“Because Stu won’t be able to concentrate if she is. You never know what mood she’ll be in, and he’s always on edge. Anyway…” He sighs and leans forward, taking my hand in his. “Let’s not talk about them. I want to talk about us and our future.”
I smile but don’t really feel it inside. Ronnie may be a smooth talker with the gift of the gab, but I saw the look she gave him. It wasn’t one that a wife would give her husband’s friend; it was more than that. I’m not stupid, and judging from his reaction, I’d say he was a lot more familiar with Caroline than he’s letting on. Suddenly, the date’s been tainted and I feel anxious. Ronnie has a secret and I’m not sure I like the direction my mind is heading.
6
I am anxious to get to work on Monday. The weekend ended up to be a good one where Ronnie pulled out all the stops to reconnect us as a couple. We laughed, ate, drank and made love rather than the usual going through the motions. He was attentive and kind, which only made me suspicious because he did a complete one eighty on me and it’s almost as if he’s trying too hard.
However, I can’t dwell on that now because I have more pressing business to deal with first. The job across the road.
As the day goes on, I listen hard for any sliver of information concerning it. Claire Quinn comes in as usual, but nobody speaks to her, so she offers no further update. I see Ally, the lady she spoke with before, frantically writing in a notebook which unnerves me because I guess she’s prepping for an interview for the same job I want so badly.
As days go, it’s an increasingly frustrating one and it’s only when I change jobs and head across to Crossline, that my luck changes.
Declan Cole looks up as I sign in and I shiver inside. He may be good looking in a rough-and-ready sort of way, but he gives me the creeps. His eyes appear to strip me bare and leave me feeling filthy and violated, and I try not to look at him in the vain hope he will leave me alone.
“Hey, Emma, over here.”
I cringe as I look up and nod. “Oh, hi, Declan.”
He waves me over and reluctantly I head across and say quickly, “Is everything ok?”
He licks his lips and his dark eyes appear to penetrate my soul as he whispers, “You know, I really like you, Emma. We don’t talk much and I wonder why.”
I’m not sure what to say, so laugh nervously. “It’s fine, you don’t have to make conversation with me. I mean, usually that’s reserved for Lisa, um… is she around by any chance?”
I look around for my friend, desperate for her to appear and distract the man who is setting my teeth on edge. He smirks and says in what I’m sure he considers a sexy voice, “Phoned in sick.”
He winks and says huskily, “You can clean the exec floor today. I’ve agreed it with your supervisor and the new girl Becky will do your usual offices.”
He winks and says in a suggestive voice, “You can thank me later.”
I can feel my cheeks are on fire as I mumble, “Ok, thanks, well, I should be going then.”
Quickly, I head off and try to put as much distance between us as possible. I’m not sure why, but there is something so creepy about the flirtatious security guard and I can’t put my finger on it.
However, unknowingly he has given me the opportunity I need at the right time. This is my chance to set my plan into action, and I can’t waste a minute.
Grabbing my trolley, I head to the bank of executive elevators and wait impatiently for them to arrive. I know exactly what needs to be done, and I don’t have long.
As soon as I step out of the lift, I sense the difference. It’s much calmer, warmer, and oozes wealth. There is an expensive wool carpet stretching along the hallway and the corporate colours of navy and gold are everywhere, from the plush seating and insignia stamped on just about everything. The air feels different up here. Cleaner, fresher and filled with ambition. Power lives on this floor and the walnut panelling and wooden doors are in direct contrast to the standard issue one’s downstairs.
As if in a dream, I wander through the offices, for once speechless as I take it all in. Polished wooden desks, hold brass desk lamps and padded chairs are pulled neatly against the large, paper free desks with nothing but leather-bound ink blotters in residence. Silver photo frames are home to photographs of glamorous looking families, and well-watered pot plants convert the CO2 to oxygen in the room for the inhabitants to feed off.