by M J Hardy
My voice quivers as I say his name because suddenly, I see him that day in the bedroom when he lost his temper. I remember the way his fists balled when he spoke to Caroline at the pub, and I recall the desperation in his eyes as he sat silently staring at the television screen. Then I think about the conversation I overheard in the coffee shop as the two girls discussed the missing girls and hinted at the possibility it could be a cab driver. My heart freezes as I pray to God she isn’t going to tell me that.
Once again, her face crumbles and she sobs, “I’ll start at the beginning but I must apologise in advance for what I’m about to tell you.”
She looks at me keenly, but I give nothing away and she sighs. “Ronnie used to come to the poker games my husband ran every Friday night. He was good at it and often won, which used to irritate my husband.” A small smile graces her lips and her eyes get that wistful look as she remembers a happier time. “I used to love watching them. I kept them fed and watered, but I could never take my eyes off Ronnie.”
She blushes a little and my heart hardens. “He was always so calm and controlled, nothing like Stuart, my husband. He was, and still is, a difficult man to please and his rages were things to avoid at all costs. I suppose things changed for Ronnie and me when I saw him in town one day. He was always so kind and polite and I was carrying some heavy bags which he offered to help me with. He asked if I fancied a coffee and we spent a lovely hour just chatting and laughing, something I didn’t do a lot of with Stuart. The next time I saw him at the card game, he looked at me a little differently. We shared a few looks that night and the next day when Stuart was at work, he showed up at my door.”
Now I feel my fists balling and feel the rage boiling beneath the surface – how could he?
“We never meant for anything to happen, but it was as if we were two sides to the same coin. We arranged to meet for lunch and that turned into a more regular thing.”
She looks down and I steel myself for the inevitable as she says in a whisper, “I’m ashamed to say we started an affair. I suppose it was easy because we could meet in the day when you were at work and so was Stuart.” She looks at me with a little hint of steel in her eyes and says firmly, “I’m sorry, Emma, but I don’t regret a minute of the time I spent with Ronnie.”
I’m not sure what to say. Should I start shouting and calling her every name under the sun? Should I manhandle her to the door instead of watching her sip the tea that I prepared for her in the delicate bone china mug? I actually feel exhausted as I slump in my seat and put my head in my hands and the tears burn like acid rain behind my eyes. Ronnie cheated on me and I never suspected it for one minute.
She says almost nervously, “We knew it was wrong but couldn’t stop something we both wanted more than anything. Then things went wrong and it all unravelled.”
The fear returns to her voice and I look up sharply. She looks around nervously and says in a small voice, “We made plans to run away. I wanted to escape an abusive marriage and Ronnie wanted to save me. We needed money though because we would have to go as far away as possible because Stuart’s reach is wide. So, I started stealing money from Stuart and passing it to Ronnie to save for our future. It was a little at a time so he wouldn’t suspect and Ronnie did his best to win at the card games he still attended.”
I interrupt, saying incredulously, “Just how long has this, um, relationship been going on?”
Caroline looks down and mumbles, “Two years.”
I stare at her in shock as my world crashes into shards of glass at my feet. Two years! Thinking back to when they started this, I picture a time when we were happy, weren’t we? In fact, the more I think about it, our problems stemmed from that time and now I know why. Suddenly, I am facing the fact that my marriage was destroyed because of the person sitting before me innocently imploring me to understand and I feel like smashing something. It’s all her fault.
I want to say so much but now I must hear her out because there’s a sting to this tale that concerns me. Otherwise she wouldn’t be here.
“We got careless.” Her eyes are now wild and frantic and I can see the fear returning. “I took more money in the vain hope we could escape faster. Ronnie also got careless and we were almost caught a few times when he visited me at home.” I feel sick and don’t really want to hear anymore, but she carries on, regardless. “Then, one night, Stuart confronted me. He told me he knew I was stealing from him and hit me really badly. He was out of control and I was scared for my life. I ran and went to the one place I felt safe, The Blue Star.”
“The pub, the one I saw you at when I was out with Ronnie?”
She nods. “I swear it was a coincidence that you were there at the same time, but Ronnie saw me sitting there when he went to the bar. He couldn’t believe what I told him and was angry because of what Stuart did. He wanted us to leave, but I told him we had to wait. We were fools, Mrs Carter. We should have gone that day, but I thought it would blow over – it got worse.”
Slumping back in my seat, I remember back to that time. We were trying again; we were going to make it work. Ronnie wanted a baby and to move to the North of England. What was that all about?
Caroline continues. “I bluffed my way out of it and told Stuart I needed the money for a gambling habit. I thought he believed me, but I should have known. He started to watch me – carefully. Soon he found out I wasn’t acting alone, and that’s when he discovered Ronnie’s betrayal. The night Ronnie left you was the night Stuart left looking for him. To be honest, I’m not sure if they found him or not because I haven’t heard a word from him since.”
“They?” She looks at me in surprise and I say bitterly, “You said, they, who went to find Ronnie?”
She looks uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Mrs Carter, but Stuart is not the sort of man you want to cross. He is a hard man and doesn’t operate inside the law. He’s violent and runs things way worse than a gambling den and I’m afraid for Ronnie’s life.”
Now I feel distinctly nauseous and say weakly, “Do you think they found Ronnie?”
She nods. “That’s what I’m afraid of. But I must also warn you that they may not have, and this is one of the places they will look for him. Make sure you’re nowhere near here when they come knocking.”
Like a dart piercing my heart, the fear returns. I think about the shadowy figure I believe is watching me. I feel the uncertainty as I walk down the street, as if someone is following me. In this moment, I know Caroline is right to be afraid and it’s just a matter of time before they come knocking.
I look at her with suspicion and say roughly, “Why are you telling me this? Do you think I know where he is and will tell you because I don’t and even I did, I wouldn’t tell you?”
She nods. “I understand. You’re angry and I don’t blame you. No, I’ve made my own bed, Mrs Carter, and it’s up to me to live with the consequences. I just wanted to right a wrong before an innocent person got hurt.”
She stands and says fearfully. “I should go. If they are watching you, they will know I’m here. Don’t hate me, Mrs Carter, because I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I just don’t want to see you caught up in the fallout.”
She heads to the door and I make no attempt to stop or even thank her because I can’t wait for her to leave. As she reaches the front door, she turns and smiles apologetically, “I really loved Ronnie, you have to believe that and I never intended on hurting you. If you do see him, please...”
“Just go.”
My voice is angry and I feel my blood boiling as she nods. “Of course. I’m sorry.”
I watch her leave and then bolt the door and pull the curtains and feel my heart beating erratically as I replay her words in my mind. The fear inside me is almost too much to deal with as I picture Ronnie out there alone and afraid. Thinking of the money upstairs, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. It was their money. For their future and I don’t want a penny of it. First thing tomorrow I am taking the lot and giving
it to charity because then at least it will do some good, where it has done nothing but destroy so far.
26
The next day I drop the money in an envelope through the door of the local charity shop. I feel a great sense of satisfaction doing something that will help somebody else, which makes me feel a little better as I head off to the office.
From now on I am going to immerse myself in my job and look for a new place to rent because I can’t stay in that house a minute longer.
Luckily, Julian is tied up with a lot of morning meetings that don’t include me and I have time to register with a few lettings agencies and plan my move. I continue to research his wife and keep an eye on the comings and goings of Mr Slater by way of befriending his personal assistant Louise. In fact, I enjoy a nice chat with her at the coffee machine, where she reveals how much she despises her boss and wish he would leave already.
After arranging to meet her for lunch, I head back to my desk and carry on with my cyber stalking.
Just before 12.30, Julian calls me in and greets me with his customary, “Sit.”
Maybe it’s because of what happened yesterday, or maybe because I’m feeling irritable, I snap, “Please.”
He raises his eyes and I see a storm approaching. “I beg your pardon.”
My voice is tight as I reply, “Sit, please, would be a much nicer form of greeting.”
He shakes his head and his eyes narrow, “Are you challenging me, Emma?”
I stand my ground. “I am.”
“Why now?”
“Because I’ve had enough.”
“Of what exactly?”
“Of being treated like dirt under your shoe. Of being spoken down to and of being made to feel as if I don’t matter. I’ve had enough of being treated like a second-class citizen and if you don’t like it, you only have yourself to blame.”
I know I’ve gone too far when he hisses, “Firstly, I’ll do whatever the fuck I like in my office. Secondly, you haven’t earned the right to make demands on me after just a few weeks. Thirdly, I don’t take kindly to being pulled up by my staff and fourthly…”
He breaks off and looks out of the window, seemingly thinking about whatever number four is, and I stand fully expecting my P45 to be slammed on the desk.
He turns around and says in a much softer voice, “And fourthly, please sit down, Emma.”
I stare at him in shock and he nods. “I always listen to my staff and if I think they have a point, I’ll admit to being in the wrong.”
“You do?” I say it in surprise because I’ve never seen that for myself. He nods. “Yes, I’m fully aware of my own shortcomings and it takes a brave person to point them out. You are right to challenge me, which is why I apologise and ask you to, please sit down.”
I do as he says and he smiles and in doing so, changes before my eyes. Gone is the surly, bad tempered, sex god and its place is a man who is magnificent in every way. I just stare open-mouthed because he laughs softly, “It’s good that I’ve surprised you. I wondered how long it would take before you snapped.”
“This was a test?”
My voice sounds disbelieving and he laughs. “Not really. I am an irritable bastard with no manners for most of the time, what can I say, they let me get away with it.”
I just stare at him and he says firmly, “Anyway, I called you in to say we need to prepare the Zimmerman file. I’m meeting with him tomorrow and need all the data filled in to date and the action points from our last meeting, dotted and crossed. Can I leave that with you?”
“Of course, sir.”
He nods and I take that as my cue to leave. As I stand, he says roughly, “A coffee would be good first.”
He winks and turns back to his computer, leaving me in total shock. He winked. He actually winked as if he was joking with me. He said sorry and winked. I feel as if I’m in a parallel universe as I walk to the kitchen. What just happened? That was so unexpected. He must be playing a game, surely.
As arranged, I meet Louise for lunch in Barrington’s and it feels good to come back here as a paying customer. It feels right to come here now after having avoided it for so long. I no longer feel ashamed of my old life and feel as if I should remember where I came from to keep my feet firmly on the ground because this life is likely to destroy me in a heartbeat if I let it.
Leah looks impressed as I place our order and as Louise grabs us a seat by the window, she whispers, “Look at you, hun. You look amazing, how’s it going?”
“Good thanks, what about you, how is life here without me?”
Her brow furrows and I look at her with concern as she whispers, “Calvin is behaving really weird lately.”
“Why, he seemed ok when I came in last time?”
Looking around, she says, “Hailey left and wouldn’t say why. She was angry with Calvin for some reason and ever since then, he’s been like a bear with a sore head.”
“What do you think happened?”
She shrugs and pours the steamed milk on top of the coffee. “It’s anyone’s guess, but there’s no talking to him. It’s left me in the lurch though because he hasn’t even replaced her, saying she’ll cool down and will back soon.”
“You don’t think…”
She nods. “Yes, I do think. You know Calvin, he’s always been a bit of a letch and free with his hands. I’m guessing he was a little improper with Hailey and she’s left for that reason.”
My heart sinks as I think that Leah is probably right. Calvin was always a little overfamiliar and had to be put in his place a few times. Both Leah and I were quite vocal about it, so he got the message and left us alone. Hailey was always a little more bashful and wouldn’t say boo to a goose. She would put up with anything, which makes me angry when I think of what he must have done to her.
Leah looks annoyed. “If I didn’t need this job, I’d leave, but then I feel as if I need to warn his next victim. Why do men have to be so… sleazy?”
“I don’t know, it’s wrong though. If I were you, I’d keep an account of it all in case…”
“In case what?” Leah’s eyes are wide and I smile reassuringly. “No reason, just in case questions are asked.”
She nods and after I pay, I head across to Louise who smiles sweetly. “Thanks, Emma. You know, this is nice. I can’t think why we haven’t done this before.”
“Me too. I suppose we’re always at the beck and call of our masters.”
She pulls a face and makes a gagging sound. “At least yours is eye candy of the best kind.”
“Yes, with a very sour taste when you bite into it.”
She giggles and says wistfully, “I wouldn’t mind a bite.”
We laugh and then she leans forward. “Have you… I mean, taken a bite?”
I look at her in shock. “Of course not, why, is that usual?”
She looks a little flushed and I say incredulously, “Have you?”
“Oh god no, I wish, it’s just that…”
Suddenly, she looks worried and I think back to her own boss and say softly, “Mr Slater?”
She nods and looks a little upset and then says quickly, “It’s ok, I wanted to, at least I did back then but now I actually know him, he doesn’t seem so attractive to me anymore.”
I feel sick as I think of the vile man preying on the pretty girl before me and looking across at Leah say with sadness, “Is this common, I mean, the boss messing around with his staff?”
Louise shrugs and takes a sip of her coffee. “I don’t think so. I mean, I’ve never heard of Mr Landon being indiscreet.”
Thinking back to the flush on Harriet’s cheeks, I’m not so sure, and suddenly, I feel sick to my stomach. All of this - it sickens me. Men using women for their willingness to get ahead and women for allowing it to happen. Suddenly, I’m tired. Tired of it all. This isn’t what I thought it was going to be and now I’m not so sure I want to be a part of this world, in fact, any world when getting ahead is all that matters.
T
hinking of what I’ve done myself to sit where I am now, fills me with shame. This isn’t me; when did I become this person I am now, scheming and plotting just to get a smile of approval from an extremely complicated man?
Louise looks concerned. “Are you ok, Emma? You’ve gone a little pale.”
Smiling with a reassurance I don’t feel, I say lightly, “I’m fine thanks. Anyway, tell me about life in Slater’s office. I’m guessing it’s much the same as mine.”
I listen as Louise babbles on about how demanding her boss is, and I feel so weary. Why did I ever want to become part of this nest of vipers? The trouble is, it’s all crumbling around me and I don’t have many options.
What on earth am I going do next?
27
I’m so happy when I can call it a night and head home. Although the rest of the day passed without a hitch, I feel differently now. The job no longer seems exciting and just leaves a bad taste in my mouth and has left with it a feeling of uncertainty. I know I can’t go back to my old job; I’ve moved on a lot since then, but what next?
My mind is so tied up in knots, it takes me a moment to register that things are different when I head inside my front door, but as my eyes adjust; the fear grips me.
Somebody’s been here.
It’s not apparent, but I know. Drawers and cupboards are left slightly open where I always shut them properly, it’s a particular gripe of mine with Ronnie who never closes anything. The cushions have been rearranged as if somebody has been searching for something and I just know that the house has been searched.
Immediately, I race upstairs to our bedroom and see evidence of a search there as well. Was it Ronnie? Did he come back for more things - the money?
Quickly, I move from room to room and see things out of place and my heart sinks. Whoever was here obviously didn’t find what they were looking for, which means it couldn’t be Ronnie unless it was the money he was after. He may have thought I hid it somewhere else and went looking. The trouble is, I don’t think it could have been him because why wouldn’t he just call and ask for it? Then again, he may be fearful of recriminations after what he did.