by Sabrina Kade
I don’t say anything else to him.
Honestly, there’s nothing else that needs to be said, anyway.
Chapter Ten
Arizona
I’m preparing for my solo expedition, and for the life of me, I still can’t figure out what that word meant. Whatever Chocal is must either be ancient, or he made up some word that wouldn’t translate. But I don’t care. Chocal’s other hybrid half isn’t on my mind near as much as it should be, I’m sure, but it’s difficult to focus on anything other than leaving. Drozass is paying close attention to me, but if he’s figured out where I’ve hidden my traveling stash, he isn’t saying anything about it.
I’ve barely spoken to the girls since my first conversation with Chocal, but I’m frightened to admit I miss them. But Chocal keeps me company. At first, I didn’t want him bothering me until the day I decide to leave, but I’ve come to find out that Chocal doesn’t exactly take no for an answer. He all but praises me with stories about my past that I didn’t think anyone knew. He talks about me being famous, and though Drozass doesn’t like all the extra attention I’m receiving, I lap it up because at least it’s something different.
And Chocal keeps his promise about not letting anyone know my plans. Even when Drozass tags along on our walks, Chocal smoothly changes to the subject. He talks about how lucky Drozass is to have me spending time with him. And that I’m honestly one of the strongest human females he’s ever met. It’s hard not to beam under his praise. I’m not used to such gushing attention, and I’ll be the first to admit that it’s given me a big head over the past few days.
Drozass doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it at all, actually, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why he’s so bothered by me talking to someone other than himself or other human females. Is it because Chocal doesn’t have a mate? I’ve already told Drozass he has no interest in me, but he says that’s a lie. Each day, Drozass grows more uneasy with Chocal and I becoming fast friends, and he finds himself between the two of us any time we’re together.
As for my State Girls? I don’t think they give two shits about what I’m up to lately. Alaska has disappeared off the face of Hethdiss, probably getting her brains fucked out by Taylis. Dakota occasionally shows up out of the corner of my eye, but she rarely approaches when Drozass is around Chocal and me for some reason. And Kansas? Completely MIA. I’m not even sure how to feel about it.
Have we broken up already? Are they done with me now that I’ve found someone else?
They’re going to lose their minds when they find out I’ve disappeared. That’ll teach them their place. If I want to leave them, I damn well will, and there will be nothing they can do to stop me.
Still, part of me wonders if it’s a good idea not to tell someone other than Chocal what I’m doing. Chocal and I may have hit it off, but we’re still not close. Well, not compared to Drozass and I. Or of course, me and my girls. But my pride is working against me, and I love the idea of disappearing on my own too much to reveal my plans to anyone.
The tension is thick between Drozass, Chocal and me, but Chocal pretends not to notice, making easy-going conversation about everything he’s learned about me. Drozass nods and seems polite enough, but sometimes I wonder if he’s going to assert himself. It doesn’t seem right that Drozass seems okay with everything. And though I notice Lacey standing off to the side during plenty of our conversations, she never seems interested enough to come over.
Once I return from my little trip, I decide I’m going to give Drozass a straight answer. Either I’m going to be with him, treat him like another client or avoid him completely until the end of this assignment. It’s not fair to keep going like this. If Drozass wants a mate, and I can’t be his, I want him to have the opportunity to find someone else. It’ll hurt, but if I decide it’s best we part, that’s how it will have to be.
Once I reach this conclusion, it feels as though a weight lifts from my shoulders. I realize that my girls wouldn’t sway my decision. I want them with me, of course. But if they're going to lie to themselves, build families, and have babies, they are grown women. I will support it. Hell, I will order it if I have to. No matter how much it’ll hurt them later when we’re ripped apart, I will always be there for them. And if by some miracle this all works out, I guess I’ve always seen myself as a spinster anyway.
“What’s this all about?” A new voice interrupts the familiar trio of myself, Chocal and Drozass. I dart up, and sure enough, Kansas is standing there, looking flushed and frazzled.
“Huh? Oh hi, Kansas,” I say sarcastically. “How are you doing? Haven’t seen you in a few days. Would you like to take a seat?”
She does so, but she still looks angry. “What’s this all about?”
“Whatever do you mean?” I ask in a sickly-sweet voice. “And where have you been?”
She frowns. “You’re avoiding us. And you’re spending time with him.” She juts her chin in Chocal’s direction, and he merely grins and stands.
“I guess I’m not wanted.”
“You guessed correctly,” Kansas says, not seeming the least apologetic about chasing him off. “Stop stirring up shit, Chocal.”
“Who says I’m stirring anything up? Perhaps I’ve found a new friend.” He grins down at me. “I haven’t done anything unsavory, have I?”
I laugh, enjoying the feeling of being on top and holding power. It’s the most addictive drug. “Kansas, chill out. Chocal and I are friends. I’m not building a harem if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I’m not worried about that,” she says, narrowing her eyes at Chocal. “You’re up to something. I know you are.”
Chocal shrugs. “I’m going to get myself something to eat. Arizona, Drozass, it was good speaking with you.” Without another word, he spins on his heel and lumbers back toward the central lair opening. He doesn’t say anything to Celeste or Glykoran stationed there, but Chocal’s never really been close to anyone except Lacey. And now me, I guess.
“Are you pleased with yourself?” I ask Kansas. “That was rude. Even for you.”
“What is he telling you?” she asks, turning her attention to Drozass. “What’s he up to?”
“I don’t know,” Drozass admits, stealing a look toward me. “I never catch him off guard.”
My eyes widen. “Excuse me? Are you all spying me?”
“Looking out for you,” Kansas grumbles. “Ari, you need to watch yourself with Chocal. He hangs out with Lacey, for God’s sake. He’s not from here. No one knows much about him.”
“I can take care of myself, thankyouverymuch. But thanks for looking out for me. It’s a lot more than you’ve been doing since I gave you everything.”
“Gave me everything? What the fuck, Ari?”
“You know what I mean,” I hiss, staring at her with anger in my eyes. “You were nothing when we first met. A trainee. Ready to be shipped to Drakens. They would have ruined you. I saved you. I’ve protected you. I’ve kept you safe. And now that I have one new person in my life who I’m not fucking, you’re all paranoid about it? Seriously, fuck you. Some gratitude.”
I wait for Kansas to explode, but she merely takes in a slow, steady breath, closing her eyes and then opening them back up again. “Gratitude. Is that what you’re saying you want?”
“Yes.”
“That’s what I’m offering. I’m watching out for you.”
“Because you think you owe me?” I say accusingly.
“No. Because you would do the same for me.”
I can’t manage to get out a sarcastic reply; I’m surprised by her answer. Even when I steal a look at Drozass, it’s apparent he feels the same. That would explain why he’s so quiet. Why he doesn’t drag me away from Chocal. He wants to know what we’re doing together. That way he can report back to Kansas and the others. They think something is amiss, and though part of me wants to be touched that they care, I’m also pissed off that they feel that after all this time I can’t take care o
f myself.
This is exactly why I need to get away.
“As touched as I am by your sudden concern for my well-being, you have nothing to worry about, okay? Drozass? You can stop sneaking around because Chocal isn’t doing anything wrong.”
Drozass frowns. “He flatters you too much. It is unnatural.”
“Is flattery such a bad thing?”
“No,” Kansas says. “But he’s kissing your ass, and we want to know why.”
I look toward Drozass for some help, any way to come to my defense and say that Kansas has lost her damn mind, but he merely stares back at me with a stoic expression. I turn back to Kansas. “He’s just being nice. It’s a pleasant change.”
“Are you saying no one’s been nice to you?” Kansas’ frown deepens.
I laugh. “I’m saying it’s nice to feel appreciated for once.”
“Fine. Whatever. Do what you want, Ari. I’m done.”
An uncomfortable silence falls between us, and I keep waiting for someone to say something to break the ice — or anything for that matter. But despite the suns beginning to set, Kansas, Drozass, and myself have reached a standstill. And though I’m not ready to admit it, their words weigh heavily on my mind. Standing and heading back toward the lairs, Drozass follows Kansas and me.
I try to remember when it all became so complicated. When I fought so many battles with my girls and they respected the hell out of me for it. I can’t help but wonder if Drozass is what makes me weak, or if it’s something else.
The mood is still tense when we’re back in the smaller Gathering Room of the second lair. Alaska is missing, of course, but Wix and Taya are there, talking amongst themselves. I can’t help but wonder what’s up with their relationship. Taya’s young, but so is Wix, so maybe they’ve worked something out. It seems everyone does, eventually. Everyone wants to stay on Hethdiss and find a happily ever after. And as much as I want to hide my feelings from Drozass, I think he has a right to know what’s on my mind. We may not be Chosen mates, but I can’t deny that we’re close. Closer than I’ve been with any other alien – or any male, for that matter.
Kansas and I take a seat on the nearest rock, and Taya immediately rises to her feet, shuffling from the room with Wix walking after her. Okay, that’s weird as fuck. But whatever.
“So, you really feel we don’t appreciate everything you do, Ari. Seriously?” Kansas narrows her eyes.
Drozass stands near the doorway after Wix and Taya depart, but I can tell that he’s paying close attention to our conversation. “I must confess. I do believe Chocal is up to up to something, Ari. Can you not feel it?”
I frown. “I don’t feel anything. It’s as I said. It’s nice to be appreciated.”
“We always stand by your decisions,” Kansas snaps. “No matter how stupid and wild they are—”
“Yeah, so that you can throw them back in my face and not be responsible.” I slap my chest. “Everything’s always on me. Always up to me. When things are going well, we’re a team, right? But when things are fucked up, it’s always my fault. Mine. But I deal with it. The real question is, if I make such terrible decisions, why don’t you leave? If you want to fuck and mate and make babies, do it. No one’s stopping you.”
“It’s not about me,” she says quietly. “It’s about you.”
“What?”
“You need to stop punishing yourself. Right, Drozass?” Kansas lifts her head toward him. “Tell her. She needs to stop—”
“You’re the one who needs to stop,” I snarl. “Drozass and I are fine. Stay out of it.”
“Why can’t you accept that this assignment is different than the others?”
“Because I’m the only one who can’t ever feel that way.”
“Because of what happened with Washington? Ari, you need to stop—”
“No,” I stammer, hating that I’m talking about the same old shit. Again. I’m so tired of dealing with everything and anything, but Kansas isn’t letting up. And Drozass is blocking my only escape. “That’s not it.”
“What then? You’re afraid of losing us?”
“No. I don’t want to talk about it—”
“Then what?” She’s relentless. “You can’t run any longer, Ari.”
“Ari, please.” Drozass’ low, rumbling voice fills the air. “Speak to her.”
“What are you so afraid of?” Kansas tries.
“I’m not afraid of anything!” I rise to my feet. This is why I need to get away. This is why I need time to think. I need to be alone. I’m suffocating in responsibility. Even if the girls are doing fine on their own, I can’t stop worrying about them and concerning myself. They’re my responsibility. They look at me as a leader. Drozass doesn’t. And if I give myself to him— “I need to go lay down. Please.”
Kansas stands with me. “You’re not going anywhere until we figure this out. Until you figure this out, Arizona. The others won’t stand up to you, but I will.”
“Why? Because you think I’m weak?”
“No one thinks that,” Drozass offers, but Kansas shrugs.
“You said it. Not me.”
My mouth goes dry. “You…”
“Do not call my mate weak,” Drozass hisses at her, scales splaying away from his steely blue skin.
“I’m just being honest,” Kansas says, frowning. “She wasn’t always this way—”
“She has never been that way. She is the strongest female—”
“Enough!” I shout, pushing Drozass out of the way so I can run. I don’t care that the only place I have to run is his lair. I need distance. I need to put distance between Kansas and myself.
Weak. It’s like I always feared.
***
I’m facing the wall when Drozass wrap his large hands around my waist from behind. I’m startled by the touch, but of course, he’s here. I’m in his lair. It’s not like I can go anyplace else. I don’t fit in anywhere. Not anymore. I’m older, but I don’t have a family like the others. I thought I fit in with Kansas, Alaska, and Dakota, but now I’m not even sure how they feel about me. Drozass’ tender touch nearly makes my eyes water.
Weak.
“I did not know she would say such cruel things to you,” he rumbles above my head. “I am sorry, my mate.”
I sniff, fighting the urge to cry. “I’m not your mate.” He squeezes me from behind anyway. “At this rate, no one should want to be with me. I should be alone, you know? You may have said you didn’t know she would say such cruel things, but I did. I told you.”
“Yes.” His voice is thick with emotion. “You did say this. I did not listen. And now you are hurt.”
“I’m fine,” I say, wiggling in his grip. I can’t help but notice that his cock is semi-hard. Men. “I wish you would have listened to me. We could have avoided this whole thing.”
“What?”
“A confrontation with Kansas. Confirming everything I worried was true.”
“What is true? Surely, you don’t believe her? You are not weak, Ari.”
I sigh deeply. I don’t want to say it. I’ve said it a million times. But maybe now that Drozass has seen firsthand that Kansas will say cruel things, he’ll hear me with new ears. “It’s like you said. It’s difficult to be the leader. I know I’m not much older than them, but I want to think that Alaska, Dakota, and even Kansas look up to me. I feel like… a big sister.” I sniff hard. “Fuck, I don’t want to talk about this. I wanted to believe that even though my life was messed up, I could still save others. Two blondes. A pretty brunette with freckles. Black hair and pale skin.”
“Do these descriptions mean something to you?” he asks, sounds unsure.
I pinch my eyes shut. “No. Maybe.”
“Females of your past?”
“Y-yes.” The words sound funny on my tongue. The only person who knew anything about my past was Washington. And I sent her to her own grave. “It’s nothing so special. I wanted to prove to myself that I could protect someone. And I’m
failing now just as I failed them.”
“You’re not failing anyone.”
I shake my head. “Not to be cheesy, but I think I’m failing myself. And, I don’t… I really don’t want to talk about that. It’s too deep, okay?”
Drozass must hear the desperateness in my voice because I feel him relax. “Very well. If you are saying that you are too hard on yourself, then I would have to agree. But do not ever think you have failed those females. Or any females. Even your lost companion. If those females didn’t trust you with their lives, they would not be there. If they did not love you or want to see you happy, they would not push so hard. You are a strong female, Arizona. Subtlety is not in your vocabulary. And though you may not always agree with Kansas, I think she may understand you the best of all of them.”
My heart thumps heavily against my chest. Subtlety isn’t in my vocabulary. And the more I think about it, the more I understand what Drozass is trying to say. Kansas has been trying to reach out to me. Talk to me. Get me to open up. But it’s only after uttering the word that horrifies me most that I’m truly paying attention. Drozass’ hands snake around my waist and brush against my lower belly. “Let’s watch those hands, buddy,” I say, though I’m already feeling the butterflies of arousal fluttering in my stomach.
“How about one hand?” He pulls one away… only to start kneading my breasts. His hand is so large he can caress both at once. “Just like life, I cannot be subtle with you when it comes to pleasure.”
“How can you even think about sex now?” I’m breathless.
“Because… despite that female caring about you, she said hurtful words to my mate. I know no other way to make her feel better than to show how much I appreciate everything about her.” He lowers his lips to my shoulder. “Her skin… her scent.” He kisses me softly, taking a nipple between a finger and a thumb and rolling it around. I arch my back into him as he alternates between sweet words and soft kisses. “Her strength… her mouth… her character… her cunt.” His last words nearly leave me breathless as his massive hand shifts from my breasts to my mound, cupping it like he owns the damn thing.