“He’s a married man who doesn’t love me or Annie,” she said solemnly.
“Do you love him?” Ida asked.
Suzanna thought for a long while before she answered. “I did, but that was a long time ago. When he came back, I thought he wanted us to be a family. I thought he cared about being Annie’s daddy. He doesn’t, and the likelihood is he never will.” She gave a heavily weighted sigh, then said. “It’s such a shame, because Gregg would have been a great daddy.”
“Does Gregg know about this?”
“Not really.” Suzanna went on to tell how he’d proposed that Saturday night and she’d answered saying that she needed time to think. “He said if a person is truly in love, they don’t need to think about whether or not they want to marry you.”
“He’s right,” Ida said. “When it’s true love, you find a way to overcome the obstacles. You don’t just give in to them.”
“I know that now, but it’s too late. Gregg’s gone, and I doubt he’s ever coming back unless it’s just to clear out his things.”
“If you don’t give up feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it, you’re probably right.”
Suzanna looked at Ida with a puzzled expression. “I doubt there’s much I can do. He left without saying goodbye, didn’t bother to leave a note, and hasn’t called since then. I’d say he’s pretty much made up his mind that he’s through with me.”
“Hogwash. Gregg may be angry, but my bet is he still loves you.”
Suzanna shook her head dubiously. “Don’t you think if that were the case, he would have called?”
“Not necessarily. A man’s got pride. You’re the one who turned him down, so if you want him back you’re going to have to be the one to reach out and make it happen.”
That crumbled look of doubt was still stuck to Suzanna’s face.
They went back and forth for nearly an hour. Ida told of the challenges she and William had faced and how they’d struggled to overcome them. After she told of how they’d both cried when Tommy left town with his wife and baby, she gave a wistful smile.
“If we’d given up on trying to work things out, just think of all the happiness we’d have missed out on.”
That night when Suzanna climbed into bed, she said a prayer. She thanked God for bringing her here and for giving her a second chance to make her life count. It was a prayer of gratitude and she’d not planned to ask for anything more, but at the tail end of her prayer, she said, “And, Lord, if you’re not already tired of helping me out, please show me a way to make Gregg love me again.”
Suzanna
Saying Goodbye to the Past
THAT NIGHT SUZANNA FOUND SLEEP hard to come by. She kept thinking through the advice Ida had given her, wondering if indeed there was a chance Gregg would be forgiving. It was a lot to ask. She’d told him almost as many lies as she’d told Ida, and to make matters worse she’d let him walk away thinking her answer meant she didn’t love him. She wanted to believe he’d be as forgiving as Ida, but she couldn’t help thinking how Ida had less to forgive. She’d known all along Suzanna was not her missing granddaughter.
On Friday morning, when they gathered at the breakfast table, Suzanna poured herself a cup of coffee, then sat there stirring it for a full minute.
Ida looked across with a raised eyebrow. “The cream in that coffee will turn to butter if you keep stirring it.”
“Oh, right.” Suzanna absently set the spoon aside. “I guess I was thinking of other things.”
“What things?” Annie asked.
Aware of how Annie felt about Gregg, Suzanna did not want her to know what happened. “Nothing you need to know about. Finish your breakfast, or you’ll be late for school.”
“How come you don’t got to hurry?” With her face crinkled into a smug grin, she added, “Won’t you be late for working?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, smarty pants,” Suzanna said, laughing, “but I’m taking some time off to help Grandma until she’s feeling better.”
“I’m feeling just fine,” Ida said.
Annie looked at Suzanna. “Grandma said—”
“I heard what Grandma said.” Before Suzanna could add anything more, the doorbell rang, and Annie hurried off to join Lori for the walk to school.
That afternoon, Suzanna sat at the desk in her room and began composing a letter to Gregg. On the first page she told him that she’d made a lot of mistakes in her life and not answering yes when he asked her to marry him was one of the biggest. She continued on to say she no longer needed time to think; she knew she loved him fully and completely. On the second page she wrote about missing him and hoping he’d give her another chance. She signed her name, then read the letter back and ripped it into shreds. It was like an empty promise, without truth or emotion, and it said nothing of the lies she’d told.
The second letter told about Bobby and explained how she’d felt obligated to give him another chance, but that too was discarded. Both the third and fourth letters with their scratched-out words and tearstained smudges were also crumpled and thrown into the waste basket. In time, she began to doubt that mere words could convey the anguish and regret she felt.
Pushing back from the desk, she went to the window and stood watching as a lone sparrow hopped across the lawn. The bird was a brownish hue, barely visible in the dry grass as he moved about hidden from the watchful eyes of the hawk or owl. Hadn’t she done much the same thing? The only difference was that her disguise was a string of lies.
She watched as the sparrow plucked something from the ground, ate it, then took flight and landed in the high branches of an oak. After a few moments, he chirped; not a song, just a trio of notes. He did it twice again then fell silent and remained so.
She too had remained silent. Had she explained that Annie was, and had to be, her primary concern, maybe Gregg would have listened and understood. Instead they’d parted ways with nothing but a wordless anger between them.
Turning away from the window, Suzanna returned to the desk and began to write. She poured out all the things she’d hidden for so long, filling the pages with line after line that recounted her deceptions and told of the shame she felt. She explained the confusion in her heart the night he’d asked her to marry him and of her discovery that Bobby was a married man. On the ninth page she wrote that she’d loved Gregg then and loved him still, and if he would have her and Annie she would spend forever proving her love. When there was nothing left to say, she signed her name and folded the letter into an envelope.
She sat the envelope on her desk and left it there. The mailman had already come and gone. It was too late to do anything today. She would have to wait until tomorrow to mail the letter.
Saturday and Sunday came and went, but the letter remained on her desk. Twice she picked it up, held it in her hand wondering about the wisdom of her words, and both times she’d walked off leaving the letter behind. Somehow a string of words scrawled across a piece of paper seemed terribly inadequate; there was no back and forth, no exchange of thoughts or chance to correct a misconception. How would she ever know if she’d said too much or too little? In the back of her mind a nasty little voice whispered that once he realized the letter was from her, he might toss it in the trash bin unopened or, worse yet, read it and decide that someone like her wasn’t worthy of his time. If that were the case, knowing would be worse than not knowing.
After two days of watching Suzanna worry about Gregg and walk around the house like a lost soul, Ida insisted she go back to work.
“I don’t need anyone looking after me,” she said. “But you need to get back to work and keep busy. Fretting over whether or not he’s going to call will not change anything. If you want Gregg badly enough, go talk to him.”
Suzanna shook her head. “That’s not as easy as it sounds. By now he’s probably told Ginger and Phil, and I’d be mortified to face them.”
“Piffle,” Ida said and gave a wave of her hand. “With a new
baby in the house, I’m sure they’ve got far more important things to think about.”
Suzanna knew there was merit in what Ida said, but Phil and Ginger weren’t her biggest fear. She was far more worried that Gregg would turn her away, which was something she couldn’t bear the thought of.
Monday Suzanna went back to work. She spent the day creating a display for the new collection of sweaters, answering calls, and waiting on customers. A dozen or more times, she thought about Gregg but didn’t wallow in her misery as she had over the weekend. It was near closing time when Miriam Bergmann telephoned to say she’d be in on Tuesday and would need a gown for the country club spring dance.
At times Miriam could be a test of a person’s patience, but after she’d gotten Dr. Bergmann up in the middle of the night Suzanna owed her. Tuesday afternoon, Miriam arrived later than expected, then tried on a dozen different dresses before she decided on two, both of which needed extensive alterations. Suzanna remained at the shop until well after eight, marking the seams that had be released to allow for Miriam’s ample bosom and pinning up hems that were inches too long. When she arrived home, she warmed the dinner Ida had set on the back of the stove, then went to bed. She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep without ever remembering it was the day she’d planned to meet Bobby at the Ellington. Had she thought of it, she wouldn’t have gone anyway, but she might have been a bit more prepared for what happened the next morning.
The shop opened at ten, but Suzanna arrived shortly after nine-thirty. She parked the car in back of the store, but before she could circle the building to unlock the front door someone grabbed her arm from behind.
“Where the hell were you?” Bobby said and whirled her around to face him. “You were supposed to meet me at the Ellington last night! I waited in the bar until one o’clock in the morning.” The muscle in his jawbone twitched, and he tightened his grip on her arm. “You know how stupid I felt, sitting there like some dumb bozo who’d been stood up?”
“Why didn’t you give Brenda a call? Maybe she could have joined you?”
The mention of his wife startled Bobby and caused him to pull back. “What the hell—”
“You having a wife kind of complicates things, doesn’t it?”
“What’d you do, check up on me?”
“No, when I called the office, your secretary mistook me for your wife.”
“Oh, shit. What’d you tell her?”
“I said I was your mistress, and we were planning to shack up at the Ellington.”
“Good god, Suzanna, why’d you—”
For the first time, she saw the truth of who he was and felt nothing but disgust.
“Don’t worry,” she said, “I didn’t blow your cover. I told her I’d call back and hung up.”
“I’m sorry that happened, babe, but it’s not what you think. Brenda—”
“I don’t want to hear it, Bobby. We’re through. It’s over.”
“You could at least gimme a chance to explain.”
“Save your breath. I’m done. I don’t want to see you or hear from you again.”
He smiled and opened his arms to her. “Suzanna, sweetie, you can’t be serious, not after all we’ve meant to each other.”
She stepped back, widening the distance between them.
“I’m as serious as I have ever been about anything,” she said icily. “You’re a liar and a cheat!”
His eyes narrowed, and his jaw twitched. “That’s rich, you calling me a liar when you’re the one pretending to be some old lady’s granddaughter. Rethink this hard-ass attitude of yours, Suzanna, or I might have to tell her who you really are.”
“She already knows. When I realized the harm a lie can do, I told her myself.”
“Bullshit. You expect me to believe—”
“I don’t care whether you believe me or not. I told her the truth because I couldn’t keep lying to someone I love.”
“Is that so?” he said cynically. “Well, how about I stop by the house and see for myself?”
“Go ahead, and say hello to your daughter while you’re there. She’s a beautiful little girl, Bobby, one you can be proud of.”
He hesitated a moment then asked, “So, if I come over to meet our kid, then we can spend some time together?”
“Absolutely not. You’re a married man, and I’m not the least bit interested in having some illicit, back-alley affair with you.”
“If you think that’s all I want, you’re wrong, Suzanna. We had something really good together, and if this works out I might be willing to leave Brenda.”
“Forget it, Bobby. Do what you want about your wife, but don’t make it because of me.”
“Not because of you? Why else would I do it?”
“Same old Bobby.” Suzanna shook her head and turned away.
Again, he grabbed her arm. “Wait. Didn’t you hear what I said?”
She stopped, stood there for a second, then turned back. “Yes, I heard what you said, and I honestly don’t care. There was a time when I would have walked through hell for you, and, in fact, I did. That was a lifetime ago. Since then I’ve come to realize that some relationships are worth saving. This one is not, and it never was.”
Suzanna walked away and left Bobby standing there. Seconds later tires squealed, and the big black Lincoln peeled out of the parking lot. She knew then she would never again see Bobby, and that was okay.
Suzanna
Finding Courage
THE CONFRONTATION WITH BOBBY HAD in a strange way empowered Suzanna. For the first time in all the years she could remember, she’d stood up for herself. She’d not lied or tried to bypass the problem but faced it head on, and it felt good.
That night, after she’d closed the door to her room, she pulled her letter to Gregg from the envelope and read it over. The things she wrote were true enough, but there was something missing and Suzanna thought she knew what it was. She remembered what she’d told Bobby, and now more than ever could see the clarity of it. Some relationships were indeed worth saving; the one with him was not, but this one certainly was.
She slid the letter back into the envelope and placed it in the drawer. In a few days she might send it, but for now she had another plan. That night as the moon rose higher in the sky, she thought about exactly what she would do and how she’d handle it.
The next morning Suzanna left the house before the sun had cleared the horizon and arrived at the shop hours before it was to open. She sat at the sewing machine and finished all of Miriam Bergmann’s alterations, then pressed and packed the garments so they were ready for pick up. Once that was done, she tagged the sheath dresses that had come in on Monday, sorted them by size, and hung them on the racks. When Colette arrived at ten, she was setting up a new window display.
“My goodness,” Colette exclaimed. “It looks like you’ve been busy.”
Suzanna gave a sheepish grin. “Just trying to make up for the days I was out. I thought if everything was caught up, you wouldn’t mind my leaving at three o’clock.”
“I wouldn’t have minded even if you hadn’t done all this work,” Colette said. “Do you and Ida have plans?”
Suzanna shook her head. “I made a mistake in judgment and hurt someone that I love. This afternoon I’m going to try and make it right.”
Colette lifted an eyebrow as her lips curled into a smile. “Ah, yes, and does this have anything to do with that handsome young man who came here looking for you?”
“In a way it does. He was the mistake.”
Ten minutes before Suzanna planned to leave, Miriam Bergmann came into the shop and said she’d changed her mind about the blue dress and decided she only wanted the gray one for the country club’s function.
Suzanna grimaced. “The alterations are finished. The dresses are ready for pick up. I can’t take a return on something that’s been altered.”
“Finished? Already? You said Friday.”
“Yes, but since you were anxious about it, I w
ent ahead and did them so you’d have time for another fitting.”
“Whatever,” she said and flicked her fingers in the air. “I only want the gray dress. A tuck here and there doesn’t devalue the other garment, and for a loyal customer I’m certain you can make an exception.”
One word led to another and as the altercation swung back and forth, the clock ticked on. Suzanna nervously eyed her watch, then at 3:15 gave up trying to satisfy Miriam Bergmann and called Colette from the back room.
Moments later, she was in the car and on her way to the school. The time was tight and Gregg sometimes left early, but hopefully she’d make it. When she rounded the corner of Beecham Street, a line of cars was already pulling out of the parking lot. Moving toward the entrance, she eyed the line; Gregg’s Oldsmobile was not there. He was already gone or still inside.
She circled the building, pulled into the visitor’s lot, and hurried back to the area designated as faculty parking. At first glance, she didn’t see the Olds, and her heart fell. Trying to remain hopeful, she walked toward the back of the lot and found it behind a red pickup. He was still inside.
She glanced at her watch—3:40. He was sure to be coming out any minute. She waited. Four o’clock came and went, then four-thirty. A few stragglers left the building, got into their cars and drove off, but still no sign of Gregg.
It was after five, the sky already starting to darken, when she finally decided to leave. Coming here had obviously been a mistake. He could have left with someone else, or perhaps he’d seen her waiting and had no interest in talking. With her shoulders slumped and her eyes turned to the ground, she started toward the visitor’s lot. She was several yards away when she heard his footsteps. He was moving toward the car, looking straight ahead, not at her.
A Million Little Lies Page 24