by Alisa Adams
The young Miss Lilith Braith, for example.
A friend to Merith and her sisters in their youth, Lilith was a girl who left a strong impression. A fireball of spunk and fun, she was forever suffering the falling locks of her hairdo or rips in her dresses. She had no interest in hats and delicate refinery and preferred to climb trees and set off on far-flung adventures to fight mythical monsters than she did acting the lady.
Merith had never been able to summon the sort of bold spirit that engendered Lilith, but she remembered aching to try, watching the older girl with envy and wide-eyed astonishment. Perhaps now, with her ability to weave stories and turn imagination into happenstance, Merith would find herself on equal footing with the brash Lilith? The idea of reconnecting with someone who loved such things as she did, of having someone to speak with over this betrothal was almost too exciting to bear.
As footmen from the manor saw Merith and Ilya being guided to the ground and then drew away the horses and carriage, Merith barely looked at the building into which she was being welcomed. She paused when she caught sight of Finn standing with his chin raised and his eyes wide and moved to stand beside him, glancing up in the same direction. Had he seen something of note?
"What draws your eye so?" she asked him, her head tilted in consideration.
She felt Finn's gaze as he glanced at her. He looked as if he were about to speak and then snapped his mouth shut as if he was worried that his words would have been inappropriate.
"I've not seen a house so big before," he admitted.
Merith blinked in surprise.
"You saw my father's estate," she pointed out, confused as to the difference. Though, perhaps it was the fact that this one looked like a house only on grander scales. No turrets, no towers, and no extending wings across the compass points. His next words confirmed her suspicions.
"That was a castle. Not a house," Finn said.
Merith looked around fast enough to catch him wincing at his own words. What was it that made him so nervous about whether or not he was risking insult to her? For it was far from insulting to state that her father's household was hardly the average home. More castle than house was indeed how she would have described her childhood home.
"Come," she said, with a gesture towards the doors. "You'll be expected to wait at the doorways of each room, but you are welcome to come inside. This family has been kind to me many times over. I think you shall be surprised by my friend Lilith."
Finn acquiesced to following her inside, his boots heavy on the paved steps and his cheeks a little ruddy as he tried to knock them clean of as much mud as possible.
Two hours later, standing in the corner of Mrs. Braith's parlor and enjoying the dimming scents of roasting meat that had accompanied dinner, Merith was less pleased with her idea to introduce her new guardsman to her old friend.
Just as the Braiths had continued to grow in fortune and re-papered their rooms and purchased new silks with which to cover the furniture, Lilith Braith had evolved and adapted to her life of wealth and meritocratic status. No longer the rampant wild child that Merith remembered, Lilith now stood as a poised and prominent young woman. Despite being only a few years Merith's senior, she stood over half a foot taller than her. She had swamped Merith when they had embraced upon her arrival. The beautiful curls and rolls of dark hair that had been assembled about her head only served to add a few more inches.
No longer were her gowns ripped or her knees muddied. Lilith presented herself as a lady with good posture and elegant grace. And yet, she had retained her confidence. Her smile was bold, her eyes bright, and her attitude one of such effortless charisma that she drew every eye in the room. Dressed in a gown of vermillion, she was already hard to ignore, but Lilith's manner commanded the attention, leaving Merith once more within the shadow of an older, more accomplished woman.
After years of practice accepting her role as third place to her more beautiful and talented sisters, Merith would not have thought that Lilith’s transformation would have bothered her so much. She was proud of Kathleen and Elizabeth; in their beauty and achievements. She always felt her heart start to glow whenever one of them smiled in victory or under the praise of spectators. Why should she not feel the same with Lilith?
And yet, she could not.
With every turn of Lilith's head, with every flattering, statuesque shape that her limbs formed and every engaging, amusing tale she told her audience, Merith felt a tightness in her gut strengthen and refuse to let go.
She sipped her wine, hoping it would ease the tension. When it didn't, she could only nod and smile at Mr. Braith's retelling of a story from hers and Lilith's childhood games, blushing when he complimented her on her growth since.
"You appear to have become a fine young woman, Lady Merith," he flattered, only able to issue such a compliment without issue because his wife stood beside him. "I wish our Lilith might learn a lesson in demurity from you."
Merith smiled and tried not to let her heart sink at the suggestion. Demurity. Otherwise known as patience and staid boredom. The inability to rile or upset a room. This was the only supposed talent she possessed that Lilith did not? In all honesty, she could not believe that such a loss wasn't to be borne with good grace and apparent popularity.
Merith looked to the other side of the room, her gaze finding Lilith easily enough. The firelight and candles in their stocks glimmered sparks of orange over her dress and dark, glossy hair. The woman was hovering by the door to the parlor, her round, red lips moving as she spoke lowly to Finn.
Merith felt that tension in her stomach again. Each time she looked up, Lilith appeared to be talking with Finn. Or looking at him. Or requesting that he fetch her something. Or demanding that he explain something to her in simple terms that “even I can understand.” The latter was only a ruse, for Lilith was an intelligent woman. Merith had seen Ella employ the same tactic in drawing in a man's attention. Pretending to be helpless in something seemed to rile a male to a level of confident purpose that affection towards his use was the natural next step.
For some reason, even the notion of such a thing irritated Merith beyond measure.
"My lady..." The words were spoken in a hushed tone by Ilya, hovering at Merith's elbow. With a smile of apology, Merith was permitted to excuse herself from the company of the Braiths and moved to stand with Ilya on the other side of the hearth. The tinkering of cups and chalices masked their conversation as a servant collected the refreshments from a nearby table. Even so, Ilya kept her voice low.
"My lady, perhaps we should arrange for an early evening and see to it that your guards are parted from the eager Miss Braith," she suggested.
Merith looked at her old, trusted friend with a glance of surprise. The woman had made her distaste clear if Merith and Finn spent more than a few seconds in each other’s orbit. Was such dislike extended to any that should notice Finn's handsome appearance, now?
After so many years at Merith's side, the woman was quick to read her expression and explained herself with a delicate vulnerability that was so very rare for her. Merith's heart instantly squeezed, wishing to reach out and hold the old woman in an embrace that might soothe her nerves.
"I do not profess to like the man, but he is a skilled fighter. And in truth, my lady, the events of yesterday have not yet ceased to frighten me. The young man has no loyalties to uphold in escorting us and, should he be allured by a pair of pretty dark eyes, he may leave us to conduct the rest of our journey alone."
The heart that had been bleeding for Ilya's nerves now turned cold and hard at the very idea. She hadn't thought that Finn might wish to remain. As he had spent most of the night speaking with her, it seemed only logical that perhaps he would abandon his duties to her and remain in Brigmorne in order to court Lilith. The thought had not crossed her mind until now as she had assumed his loyalty and taken his steadfast obligation to her for granted. Yet, they had known each other for less than two days. Of course, he would be open to
breaking any arrangements with her father now that they were nearly out of her family’s lands.
A fearful worry rising in her throat, Merith glanced over Ilya's shoulder, her gaze falling on the guardsman she had so recently adopted. He stood with an air of stiffness about him, clearly not comfortable in Lilith's presence.
Merith could swallow again as she noted how he responded to the brunette but never ventured a topic of conversation himself. He nodded, spoke a few words, or his lips pressed together as if he were making a noise of "hmm.” But he never adequately engaged.
Perhaps he was not as interested as Lilith wished him to be?
Finn’s gaze flickered to the woman now and then. He would bow his head, gesture politely, and was never rude. But, he also did not seem willing or able to give her his full attention. Instead, his stare moved repeatedly to where Merith stood with Ilya, a bright color on his cheeks.
It was almost impossible to look away from him since they had nearly collided that afternoon at the roadside. It was only when she had been crouched and an inch from his face that she had been able to witness his eyes. It was with a pleasant sort of unsettledness that she had noted flecks of green within the brown of his irises. Now, all she seemed able to notice when he looked her way was that green. No matter how far away they stood from one another.
Merith felt her cheeks bloom, and the heat beneath her skin did not seem willing to subside for the rest of the evening. By the time she was escorted to her guest quarters, Merith was half convinced that she was ill with a fever. Yet, for fear that it was not actual sickness, she mentioned nothing to Ilya when the woman helped her undress. Instead, she held her secret thoughts in the deeper recesses of her mind and dismissed her friend for the night.
Left alone, Merith tried to settle into the unfamiliar bed, in a room she had never stayed in before, on the road to a life that she was ill-prepared to accept. Everything was out of sorts and by the time they reached Mackay Castle in two days’ time, she would not even have Ilya to rely upon. The woman was due to leave her employ to go back to her family between here and Alastair Mackay’s estate. Now that Merith was to be a married woman and would be provided with her own servants by her new husband, Ilya had been determined as of little use.
Yet, it meant she could go back to her own family and children. It was this that Merith attempted to focus on, holding on to the happiness she felt for her friend.
Still, it did not dampen the bubbling anxiety deep within her heart.
Feeling like more and more pieces of her life were being chipped away, Merith thought about Lilith and how her dark and flashing eyes might steal away the newest addition to her world. A piece that would be leaving her in two more days, regardless.
When the thought had her feeling sick, Merith rolled over beneath the sheets. She felt her hair snag on the corner of the cushion and winced. Plucking it free, she fought the urge to cry. So small and simple a thing threatened the dam in her heart that had held back all of these fears, all of these changes. Just who was she now? What did she mean to others? Did she hold any worth besides what someone would try to steal or barter?
Unable to resist the heat behind her eyes, and to fall into cowardice, as usual, Merith was ashamed to let the silent tears fall. With every drop, she worried that her identity was being washed away in a matter of days.
6
The next morning, Merith was even more ashamed for her childish display in the darkness of her room that night. As she was gowned and her hair brushed, she could easily imagine the redness of her eyes. She didn't need a mirror or reflective surface to feel the tenderness and raw puff about her lids. Ilya's tutting only confirmed her suspicions.
She looked a blubbering mess.
Luckily, Merith escaped the chastising of her kindly mother figure for the moment, for breakfast was announced and goodbyes arranged with the Braith household. They were due another early start and a long journey that saw Merith's bottom already protesting. Despite the carriage’s cushions, remaining dignified and upright, regardless of the jittery bouncing of the cart, was taxing on the hips and back.
It would almost be worth arriving to meet her intended if the journey could be over and done with.
And yet, Merith still could not bring herself to hope that the next two days passed quickly.
The morning repast was far easier than the evening meal the previous night. With guards and servants more or less absent, Merith was able to speak with Lilith and reconnect with her on some level. The conversation was pleasant but not deep, and, in the company of Mr. and Mrs. Braith, it was impossible for her to seek feminine companionship for her fears as she had hoped.
But, it was a pleasant meal, nonetheless.
After goodbyes were spoken, embraces rendered, and promises of letters made, Merith approached the carriage that had been drawn before the main doors of the manor. Beside it, Finn stood at arms, fully dressed and with a brightness of eye and wayward hair that might suggest a well-rested night.
Merith felt an uncharitable sense of annoyance. How he had managed to sleep like a babe in the servants’ quarters while she had tossed and turned the whole night through she had no idea. But it seemed monstrously unfair.
However, when he held out a hand, Merith still instinctively reached out to take it, as she would any footman's assistance into the coach.
Yet, it was not with every footman that such a tingle crossed the underside of her fingers.
The frisson in their touch caught her a little unawares, but Merith was quick to hide it, her features blank, and her eyes forward as she stepped up into the carriage and settled herself in the seat. It was only in her peripheral vision that she spotted the way Finn rubbed his fingers together and then dusted them on his tunic, as if he too had sensed the static pass between them.
In the work of a moment, the little procession and their guards were once more upon the road headed north.
Ilya wasted no time in bringing up the warnings that had been stunted upon her lips that morning.
"You are upset, child," she observed. Her words were lost to Merith by the rock and rumble of the wheels over the lane. Even if the walls of the carriage were thin, no one would hear them within. "I trust it is not for a foolish reason?"
As much as she loved Ilya, from the set of her shoulders to the delicate knobbly knuckles on her hands, Merith felt herself bristle at the implications in her tone. However, she was too much of a coward to call her out on such a thing.
"I do not know what you mean, Ilya," she offered defensively.
What would be considered a foolish reason for tears at this point? She was the recent victim of violent trauma. She was being sent away from all people and places she knew to marry a man she had never met, and was due to leave behind the last of her friends when Ilya departed for her family's farm the next day. Just which of such things would be considered foolish and which of sound reason?
"You've been tearful. I hope it is not for the diverting attention of Miss Lilith...and whom she may have been attempting to divert?"
Merith's eyes narrowed.
"You think me crying over Sir Finn?"
"I think your natural inclination to give him a title he does not hold says much of your affections." Ilya hesitated to find the correct words as she spoke, her eyes upon Merith's. It was the same stare she had employed when Merith was a child, and Ilya wished to know if she had spoken a falsehood or taken baked goods from the kitchens without permission. It was a searching look, designed to probe the depths of Merith's desires and come out with only truths.
"You should not worry, Ilya," she told her, careful so as not to tell a lie, for it was true. There was nothing to worry about between herself and her guardsman. Just what was there to happen?
"You are to be married," Ilya countered.
"I am well aware."
"Then, I urge you not to allow your gaze to wander, sweet one." Ilya's tone had returned to her normal timbre of caring tenderness. Her eyes narrowed in ap
ologetic sympathy as if she would not wish to have to speak such advice if she could help it. She leaned forward to place a hand on Merith's clasped fingers, where they rested in her lap. "I should not wish to see your heart broken and your hopes disappointed for the sake of a brave action and a handsome face."
Merith looked down at their joined hands. Her lips were drawn inwards, as if she could keep her thoughts to herself if she physically barred their escape. But there was a sense of awkwardness in her demeanor—an acceptance that told Ilya that her mining had been successful, that she had reached a truth.
There was quiet in the carriage until Merith broke the silence with a wistful look up from beneath her lashes and a smile of mischief upon her face.
"You think him handsome, Ilya?" she asked, her eyes bright with teasing.
Ilya sat back again, her features an impressive display of benevolent disapproval.
"More handsome than he has the right, I think, my lady," she replied. “Though the injury on his forehead does him no credit.”
Now that her maternal duties had been fulfilled, Ilya returned to her status as Merith's maid and servant. There was a soft smile of wisdom on her lips, and she resettled herself in her seat, turning to watch the countryside pass by. She had said her piece. Now it was down to Merith if she were to heed such advice.
It was the middle of the afternoon when they were each roused from their thoughts and the stress from the journey. Merith wrinkled her nose and her lips pursed in disgust as an acrid smell seeped into the carriage. Ilya delicately placed her handkerchief to her nose.
"What is—"
Merith's question was summarily cut off as the coach came to a stop, and the sound of hooves diminished to nothing. There was a thump as a pair of feet hit the ground, and then Merith was unsurprised to see Finn's face appear at the window.
"There's been a fire up ahead," he told them, one hand raising from the window bar to gesture a halt. "Please stay here while I investigate. It should not slow us long."