The Curmudgeons simply could not ignore Debbie Crockett.
No way, Jose, Paco and Maria.
Shit, who could ignore her?
So, what else should you know about Debbie Crockett? Hmmm, well, hells bells … I thought you would never ask.
How about her love life … does she have one?
A better question would be: Does Debbie Crockett need a love life?
Well, shit, don’t we all, you say.
Well, more shit, maybe…or maybe not.
First, consider that Crockett and her partners are very special, different and complex persons to the extreme (but aren’t we all?). Anyway, did Crockett’s early love life include continuous sex while in college? Was she a LUG (lesbian until graduation)? Was she a BUG (bisexual until graduation)? Well, shit, you would have to ask her about all that. Who the fuck am I to relate her sexual exploits to anyone, and everyone, and to one, etc…etc…etc…
Indeed, Jose, Paco, and Maria. Indeed!
What I can say is that Debbie Crockett is an experienced young woman. She experimented and had her flings here and there. Did she have fun? Did she enjoy her flings? Would she do it again?
Only she, Buddha and Mother Nature can answer that one.
Anyway, how about companionship, you ask? Well, she has her female co-partners and Patch himself. To her way of thinking when one (as she is) is a Curmudgeon and a full-time partner in Curmudgeon’s Inc., who the fuck would need or want to need anyone or anything else???
Not me, grasshoppers…none of us either, Jose, Paco and Maria.
You see, Crockett (and her partners—excepting Patch; well, maybe???) have learned that personal love relationships entail strings … strings that attach, join, affix, connect or fasten two or more individuals together … supposedly as one--supposedly. And many people (especially women) hookup in some fashion with a lover for security … for companionship … for reliance.
Yes, absolutely.
Grasshoppers and snowflakes, as your friendly narrator I will later relate more about Debbie Crockett and her Curmudgeon partners as I did in other adventures and as I unfold the details of their next sordid case study … and its ‘ultimate’ ending. For now let’s move on.
Ok, it is time to introduce former Army Captain Nelson; the truth be told she is also a non-practicing medical doctor who preferred action and excitement over using a scalpel for either use even though she was skillful with it for any use. She first worked with the Curmudgeons on a murder case whereby a U.S. Army sergeant stole blasting caps for the Williams sisters (infamous serial killers) and was later wasted by L. Lovey and the pale horse Chief Gall. Nelson (aka Nelly) fell right in with the Curmudgeons and desperately wanted to be one of them.
Shit, can you blame her?
No way, Jose, Paco and Maria.
Where can we sign up?
Me too!
Anyway, Nelly resigned her commission from the U.S. Army and almost immediately joined the Curmudgeons as an equal partner … she was accepted by all even though Bessie Mae Sowers and L. Lovey knew she was taken in by Patch … enamored to him … mesmerized by him, guilty of wet panties due to him … it was him she wanted—plus the excitement of possibly bringing killers, women abusers and women beaters to their terminal fucking end.
Can it get any better than that?
No way, Jose, Paco and Maria.
Well, Nelly has several attributes the Curmudgeons admired and needed. For instance, she is an expert markswoman with both handguns and long guns. Bessie Mae was surprised to find out that Nelly is also an accomplished knife thrower (Mr. Bowie, of course; that is Bowie knife for all you braindead snowflakes) and she is a quick study in learning crossbow operations and hatchet throwing.
Okay, she has all the martial qualifications and she is smart as hell. Yes, she has all that, for sure. You know, possessing genius IQ blended with a semi-truck full of common sense is something else ... and soooooo rare.
Don’t you agree?
Right on, Jose, Paco and Maria.
By the way, I know you are wondering what Nelly looks like … aren’t you?
I will use the same description of Nelly that I used in some earlier Curmudgeon Inc. cases. She is a knockout beauty at 5-foot 9 inches, a redhead, hard-bodied with uplifted breasts that many women would die for, pay for and maybe kill for (men too) and she had a brain—a big one … all Curmudgeon are brainy to the nth degree.
Does that surprise you?
It shouldn’t.
Anyway, when Thomas Jonathan Stonewall Jackson Patch was knifed in the back by that filthy fucking coyote son of bitch in Mexico during one of their cases, it was Nelly who saved and revived Patch. Again, along with all her skills, she is also a licensed medical doctor who only practiced medicine when necessary. But when necessary there is no one who could match her medical skills … (Note: the Curmudgeons would call on her many medical skills several times in the future).
So, any fucking way, when Dr. Nelly found Patch face down on the desert floor, bleeding profusely from his back wound, she jumped into action and with the medical bag she always carried patched up Patch … saved his life.
Well enough said about Nelly—for now. Like the other Curmudgeons, she will play a major role in their forthcoming case, which involves investigating serial killings in the Palouse Falls State Park Washington. More to be said about that later.
Ok, is that it?
No way, Jose, Paco and Maria.
Again, is that it … is that all the partners?
No. No way … there are a few others.
Yes, a couple of relatively new Curmudgeons are assigned with the others just described work out of the Seattle office and there are two more remote Curmudgeons stationed in Virgin, Utah at one of their satellite offices. They also have a satellite office in Auburn, Washington near Seattle. The Auburn office is staffed mostly by forensic accountants who deal with fraud investigations throughout the Pacific Northwest region. This particular branch office of Curmudgeon’s Inc. developed over time into a huge money-making operation (Sue and Patch had the Midas touch in all that they got involved with when it came to making money) with more than 250 employees ranging from accountants, lawyers, investigators, bankruptcy experts, personal injury claims experts, tax fraud specialists, money laundering experts, business valuation experts and computer forensics/e-discovery technicians. The Ballard and Virgin offices deal almost exclusively with solving murders. On occasion when a fraud case involves murder the Ballard and Auburn offices work together, with Ballard office Curmudgeons always taking the lead and in charge.
So, who are the two new partners working from the Seattle office?
Well, actually there are four new additions to the Seattle office; however, based on time served as Curmudgeons Mustang Sally and Brown Eyes are introduced first.
Mustang Sally?
Yes, quite a person, lady, and a real fucking woman (is there anything better?). A perfect fit for Curmudgeon’s Inc.—she is like one of those missing puzzle pieces finally found in any organization.
So, who is she? Who is Mustang Sally?
Well, she is Sally Fry but called Mustang Sally.
Let’s begin at the beginning, so to speak. When they first met Mustang Sally told Patch about her upbringing, her experiences to date and so on and so forth. She informed Patch and Brown Eyes that she was born and raised in Billings, Montana on a cattle and horse ranch. Her mother and father were accomplished hunters and horse people. When she reached the age of 10, Sally’s father gave her a Marlin 30-30 rifle. She spent hours practicing firing the rifle and in short order she became an expert shot. Two years later she was given a Glock 17 pistol and within a few weeks of target practice she was an expert with the handgun. When 14 years old, she had befriended a couple of Native American girls who she visited often at the Reservation they were housed (trapped) in. While there, the girls and some young guys taught her how to use bows and arrows and to throw knives. It took her a while to catch on to the knife throwing
but she was a quick study on the bow and arrow, and she could even make her own arrows and string her own bow. After high school she attended the University of Montana in Missoula on a field hockey scholarship. She was a straight A student all through high school and later at the University where she majored in Criminal Justice and finished 1st in her class. She then went on to get a master’s degree in public administration and also a second master’s in forensic science. After college she applied to the FBI for employment and was hired and sent to the FBI Academy at Quantico, Virginia where she graduated top in her class. She received the designation as expert marksman in pistol and long guns. She also was a top student in the martial arts and although at only 110 lbs. on her 5’ 5” frame she could take on and pin any and all men, including instructors. After graduating FBI Academy and receiving her credentials, she was assigned to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC and worked many cases in the surrounding area. The only negative known about her or wrongly assigned to her was that her fellow Agents thought she was a lesbian because of her manly ways and refusal to date men. The truth be told is that she had no time for love and never found a man she would want to do it with—whatever ‘it’ meant. So, for several years she went about the business of investigation and worked at times in the FBI’s forensic lab in Washington, DC and time basically flew by. Eventually she was able to be assigned to the Utah area and then to southern Utah out of St. George. This assignment is what she had hoped for all along. She was an instant success and helped solve several federal cases and assisted local law enforcement in solving major crimes. She soon earned the reputation of being not only a workaholic but also a brilliant investigator who was extremely analytical but also very down to earth, so to speak.
So, some of you might ask: “Is Sally Fry still a virgin?”
I do not know and do not want to know, none of my fucking business. I will tell you that she had no interest in sex, love, or companionship until she met Thomas Jonathan Stonewall Jackson Patch. She liked him … she liked him a lot … shit, she still likes him; wants him and is determined to have him.
Why?
Maybe it was because he considered her an equal or better than he and he was not pushy, grabby or worse.
Why the Curmudgeons call her Mustang Sally?
She garnered the name because she drives a Mustang GT convertible … so the nickname seemed fitting. However, she could be renamed now because although she purchased a Shelby GT 500 some of the Curmudgeons thought about renaming her Shelby, but Patch reminded the group that the Shelby GT 500 is a Mustang. And Patch stated to them all that if she is to be renamed, she should be called Cobra instead.
Sue, laughed at that because she witnessed Sally and Brown Eyes in bed with her father; they were all passed out or asleep with their clothes on but both girls were wrapped around her father like snakes.
Anyway, what about Brown Eyes?
Jodi Hager-Price (aka Brown Eyes; don’t you just love those women with hyphenated surnames) was born and mostly raised as an only child on a potato farm near Blackfoot, Idaho, a small town a few miles southwest of Idaho Falls. Blackfoot holds the title as the Potato Capital of the World. Brown Eyes attended grade school and high school in Blackfoot and attended the University of Idaho in Moscow, Idaho. She obtained a bachelor’s, masters and a doctorate degree in Wildlife Management. Upon graduation she wanted to join the United States Forest Service but because of a series of events including poaching of wildlife and the death of an innocent farmer, and a school mate of hers who were accidentally killed by the poachers and were never identified or apprehended, she decided to apply to the FBI where she was accepted. She attended the FBI Academy and upon graduation was initially assigned to what is known as the Yellowknife section which encompasses the area from Billings, Montana south to Sheridan, Wyoming. During her law enforcement training many of her fellow students and instructors pretty much wrote her off; they thought the only thing she had working for her was her beauty. Well, it is true that she was only 5’ 2” in height and 100 lbs. in weight and extraordinarily beautiful, but what the students and instructors found out the hard way is that small packages often reveal surprises similar to that of a small stick of TNT: small but powerful; explosive. Brown Eyes was no slouch, she could outshoot, out wrestle (she fought dirty with men, especially—administering many a case of sore, blue balls—truth be known the men deserved all they received from her.) Eventually she was called Ballbuster Jane (not to be confused with Tarzan’s Jane) … and for good reason. It only took a few days in the Academy for all to learn that you did not fuck and/or fuck with Brown Eyes.
The final two principal partners in Curmudgeon’s Inc. are Two Green Eyes and Sandy Kell (nicknamed Hell).
Let’s begin with Two Green Eyes—she has a true name but insists that all call her Two Green Eyes, so they call her by that name, period.
Two Green Eyes is a 26 year old, 100 lb., 5’ 2’ hard-bodied introvert whose main physical characteristics are her incomparable beauty and a pair of blazing green eyes … warm eyes that put you out of sorts, so to speak—they were penetrating but yet had a soft touch to them, which many criminals (and others) took the wrong way. Her short law enforcement record included the awarding of a Medal of Valor for putting herself in the line of fire to protect one of her fallen officers. The truth be known she is a loner, actually … one who is happy with herself and not a joiner—sexually or otherwise—well, sort of. At least not when the Curmudgeons first met her. What Two Green Eyes did not know was that her sexual awakening was pending; it was near, very near … close. And it closed in on her.
We will get to that amorous affair but for now we move on to introducing Sandy Kell who earned the nickname Hell for good reason.
Hell is often gauged as quite unusual in many ways, shit, in almost all ways. She is 55 years of age, but looks thirty-something, very tall for most women at 6’ 2” in height, solid as a brick, a body that would stop two freight trains, she makes tight blue jeans look like tight faded-blue skin and her wide hips are so inviting (some of us dirty old men like wide hips), her long brown curly hair and dirty brown eyes (not everyone has green eyes, snowflakes), smart (very), strong (very), and not only knows what she wants but takes what she wants, period. Hell likes women and that sums up Hell’s mantra. This is not to say that she would not face down and take down a female perp over a male perp. No, sir. Hell is an equal opportunity law enforcer who when challenged or under duress never hesitates to waste the worst of the worst, male or female. The truth be told she would have made the mythical Amazons proud, absolutely, for sure.
Well, Hell and Two Green Eyes are a number and are totally inseparable … totally.
Anyway, there are three other principal partners, Jean Cooty Lake (Lake), Mustang Tally and Winn. However, these three operate from the Virgin, Utah office and are not part of this case. Let’s just sum them up as being hand-picked Curmudgeons of stellar qualities in all possible ways—as gauged by the other Curmudgeons and southwestern law enforcement personnel too.
Okay, after such a long-winded narrative and introduction to the key players in the sordid, gruesome, disgusting and deplorable case, I will let the events that took place during this case talk for themselves. But before I move on for now it is important for you to remember the following:
When a band of serial killers are wasting hikers in the Palouse.
Who you gonna hire? Curmudgeons Inc.
When law enforcement is unable to find the murderers.
Who you gonna hire? Curmudgeons Inc.
When you want ‘instant justice’ delivered to the asshole perps.
Who you gonna hire? Curmudgeons Inc.
When your shit out of luck enforcing the law.
Who you gonna hire? Curmudgeons Inc.
Okay, now you know what fuck Curmudgeon’s Inc. is.
CHAPTER 1
A MEETING OF THE MINDS
O900 Friday morning Curmudgeon’s Inc. upstairs conference room was full of hungry Curmudg
eons; Bessie Mae made their breakfast with the help of Two Green Eyes and also Bessie Mae baked 4 dozen burnt bottom peanut butter cookies. All the Curmudgeons had easy access to Bessie Mae’s culinary artworks because each had an apartment downstairs, Hell and Two Green Eyes shared one larger apartment and the rest of the group were lodged in the other 11 apartments. Patch and Sue had the two end apartments facing the 14 ft bermed wall at the extreme end of the 4-acre backyard lot; it served as a firing range. Over the berm they had an unobstructed view of Shilshole Bay, Puget Sound and the Olympic Peninsula. But on this day the view was limited due to drizzle pounding against their large picture-sized windows. But nonetheless, earlier that morning both had stood at their respective windows listening to the cling-clang of the buoy bell interrupted now and then by the solitary sound of two different signaling foghorns.
Anyway, after breakfast and a few burnt bottom peanut butter cookies it was time for some salty dogs and a cucumber for Patch.
Sue began the discussion. “Bessie Mae is placing FBI files in front of you and you need to sit back and read over the information inside and then we can discuss this case.”
So, for the next 20 minutes all 12 of the Curmudgeons except Sue; she reviewed the file earlier was of her gifts is a photographic memory; she can remember text almost to every punctuation mark used throughout. She also possesses eidetic memory. What is the difference? Well, photographic memory works for text and eidetic memory works for photos and/or objects.
Anyway, when they all had read the several accounts of murder around or near Palouse Falls State Park, they sat in silence and digested what they had read.
“Not pretty … a real mess,” Patch said his face screwed up in disgust and pain.
“We need to catch the assholes responsible for all those killings…I counted a dozen men, fifteen women and 12 children of varying age that they slaughtered…literally slaughtered and cut to pieces, disgusting at best,” Bessie Mae said.
“You know this case has similarities to the murders that took place in the Grand Canyon case we finished a few weeks ago,” Hell said.
Murder in the Palouse Page 3