We need to pack some items to go to a hotel for a few days. So, cleaners can come in and clean up all the blood.
“Dad I don’t want to go”. “I want to stay here”. Gabe, please pack a few items.
“Alright Dad.”
Grams, Gramps, Mike and Dee are on their way. They will be here in the next day or two.
Is everyone all set to go? I will drive you to the hotel.
“We can drive ourselves Brett.” No, you are in no condition to drive. I will let James know, is there anyone I can call for you?
“No, we have informed our family. They will be flying in as soon as they can get a flight.” Can I do anything for you?
“No thank you!”
I am so sorry for your loss Lily was a special girl. She had so much to offer the world. This is a tragedy and her story needs’ to be heard in order to prevent more tragedies like this from happening. My deepest condolences. I know that your family has a long road ahead of you. You can get through all of this. You family can make it through this. You guys have been to hell and back, and this is so unfair.
It has been a few days, and my family and I have returned home. The house feels so empty without Lily here. I miss her smiling face; all my wife does is lay in bed all day crying.
Gabe will not even speak to us. He locks himself in his bedroom. I do not even know how to cope with this loss. I cannot lose my family. Lily’s funeral is tomorrow and I cannot put my daughter in the ground. She is to young damn it. I know our family is trying to help but they are becoming overbearing. Picking the funeral home and her casket is too much. I don’t even know what to say for her eulogy.
There are so many people who miss her. Her friends have been coming by and sharing stories of her. I need my wife, and I need my son. I am grateful to have my Mom, Dad, Mike and Dee here. They have been helping all us tremendously.
Today is Lily Rose’s funeral we decided not to have calling hours. We asked those who attended not to bring flowers but to donate to Lily’s favorite charities. It is somber, and I still do not believe this is real. Patricia and Gabe are a mess. I do not know how to comfort them. Detective Everly and Detective Allard are here, as well as Agent Angelo. All of Lily’s friends are here sharing stories of Lily. All I hear is crying, and I don’t think I can go through with this. I am delivering Lily’s eulogy.
When Lily Rose was a small child, she was so full of life. She was always smiling even when she broke her arm. She told her mother and I that she was alright when clearly Patricia and I could see her bone sticking out. She went to the emergency room by ambulance and thought it was the best thing ever. Lily grew up to be a wonderful, caring, passionate human being. She fed the homeless, she brought blankets to them, and she made sure people she loved did not go without. She would help anyone out who was down on their luck. Lily could have changed the world. Lily wanted to make the world a better place. Let’s not forget how funny she was. How sweet she was and what a good soul she had. She was loyal to the core, and that is why so many people loved her. I love you Lily Rose you will never be forgotten. Lily would not want us to mourn but to celebrate her life and for us to all celebrate our lives. I know in my heart you are at peace now and you are smiling down at all of us!
I begin to sob uncontrollably I cannot stop crying. All I want to do is hold my daughter, stroke her hair and tell her everything will be alright.
A few weeks after the funeral Patricia returned to work. Gabe returned to school. I began to drink a lot more. At first, it was a few bottles here and there. Then I realized it was numbing my pain. I would go into work drunk. I hit happy hours during my lunch breaks. The more I drank the angrier I got. The Board of Directors started to confront me at my business. I own this business don’t they understand I built it from nothing. This is my business not theirs’.
“Patrick, you cannot come to work drunk. It is affecting your work, and your employee’s. You can lose your medical license or be hit with a malpractice suit. You need to go to rehab. There are so many programs that can help you. We know that you have been through hell and back. Please Patrick get yourself some help. Go home for a few days and get yourself together. If you don’t, we will have to remove you from your practice.”
What the fuck are you talking about? This is my practice. I built this practice and you think, you dumb fucks are going to waltz in here and take it from me?
“Patrick, you need help, you need to get sober or you will lose everything. I do not want to see that happen to you, or your family. Please get help I have known you for a long time. I do not want to see you lose your medical license, your family or you kill a patient because you are drunk.”
Fuck you! Fine I will fucking leave, fucking moron. Go to fucking hell.
“We have called for a car for you. You cannot drive in your condition. Please Patrick give me your keys.”
Fine whatever just take them.
Patrick, why are you home?
“I was sent home they think I am an alcoholic.”
I agree with them Patrick all you do is drink morning, noon and night. You destroy things around our home you are scaring me and Gabriel. You do not attend the support groups or family counseling. How are we supposed to live like this?
You can lose your medical license or seriously hurt someone or kill a patient if you are performing surgery intoxicated. Patrick, I told you if this did not end, I would leave you. “You’re going to leave me you fucking stupid bitch. You are a cunt Patricia, and worthless. You are a pig and a waste of life. You and Gabriel will never leave me.”
Patrick, you are scaring me, please stop. Do not speak to me like that.
“Why Patricia you have moved on with your life. I think you are happy Lily is gone.”
Don’t say that! Don’t ever say that! You need help. Your whole life is the bottle. What about me and Gabriel huh? I cannot live like this anymore. Gabe and I are leaving, we are going to Oregon.
“Bitch you are not going anywhere! I will kill you!”
Yeah watch us Patrick. Get yourself some fucking help!
I will be filing for divorce.
“You are not taking my son from me! Don’t even think about it you stupid bitch. I do not need help I am fine on my own. And you two are not going anywhere. Do you understand me?”
We are leaving this environment is unsafe for Gabe, and myself. Your behavior is unpredictable and dangerous. Let us go! Once you are clean you can see Gabe. Right now, you are scaring him and it is not fair to him. Please go to rehab, AA and get some help! For our family’s sake. I am packing a few belongings, for Gabe, and I and we are leaving. The last thing I want to do is keep Gabe from you, but he is terrified of you right now. I am picking Gabe up from school. Please fix this for yourself. Goodbye Patrick.
FUCKING BITCH WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? HOW DARE SHE LEAVE! I do not need help I have my drinking under control. So, what, if I have a few here and there it is nobody’s business. It is my life I don’t need AA or rehab I can stop on my own. She will be back they both will. I am finishing this bottle and I am passing out. It is no one’s business how I chose to grieve.
Daddy can you hear me? I need you to know I am happy and safe. I am with Zack, and where we are is so beautiful. We can fly, and we can see the entire world with all its glory. There is no sadness where we are only joy. I no longer hurt anymore Daddy. We watch the sun go down and come back up. We look at the stars at night and Zack names them all. Sometimes we are surrounded by mountains, and the smell of the clean fresh air. I am no longer scared Daddy I am free. I love you; I will always love you. Someday all of us will be together again. Daddy I need you to stop drinking. Please do not fight with Mommy fix this.
“Lily Rose I can hear you but I cannot see you.” “Where are you?”
I am here with you Daddy, and I love you. I will never stop loving you, Mommy and Gabe.
“Lily I love you too, please don’t leave me.” Daddy I am right here I am in your heart and in your memories. Dadd
y remember all the good times. Remember my smile, and how we used to laugh all the time. I want you to be happy Daddy. I will always be with you!
11
Dr. Patrick Flannery
After the loss of Lily, I began to drink heavily. I was not taking care of myself or my family. I ignored that they were mourning to I was a selfish ass. I ignored my wife’s sorrow. My drinking was taking over my life. I thought my wife was not mourning Lily when in reality she was. I was the one ignoring my grief. Patricia left she gave her two-week notice at the hospital she was working for. She and Gabe went to Oregon. She is staying with Mike and Dee and is currently looking for work out there. I often dream of Lily, and I know that she would not want this for me. What has happened to my family would devastate her. Truth be told I started drinking when Lily went missing. I would have a few drinks to calm my nerves. Let’s be honest I would get drunk. I miss my daughter every day. I know she was hurting, and she thought that taking her own life was the only way out.
I have made the decision to change and not drink. It has been challenging and I am putting the work in. I have a picture in my head of what my change will look like. I want a long healthy life, a relationship with my son and my wife. I have set small goals for myself I will not set big goals because I do not want to relapse. I have removed all the bottles of alcohol from my home. I avoid the people I would drink with. I have changed my route on my way to, and from work. I have friends who love me, and loved ones who will support me. If I fall, they will be there to catch me. Now that I am not drinking, I feel liberated and empowered. I have a sense that things will be okay. I know it is going to be tough. I am realistic that is why I am not setting outrageous goals for myself. I am learning to cope with my cravings without giving into them. I have been told that cravings come in waves they build up, reach a peak and then subside. By me knowing this it makes it easier to encounter and manage my cravings. I have not had a drink in seven months.
My drinking was not a sign of weakness or a character flaw it takes a lot of willpower to overcome my problem. At one point I thought sobriety would be an impossible goal. I learned that it was never out of reach. Despite how hopeless my situation was. I know now change is possible I have the support, friends and I got treatment. I examined the problem and I thought so much about change. When Lily died, I was angry I had so many unanswered questions. I thought by turning to the bottle all my issues would be fixed.
I still ask Lily questions today. What about the rest of the family was she thinking of them when she took her own life? What about her brother? My wife, and I? I cannot begin to imagine everything she went through with Carl Booker. She watched the love of her life die right before her eyes. In my dreams about Lily she says that she is happy, she is with Zack and she wants me to move on with my life. I don’t know how to; I do not know how to process her death. All I want is my family back. I want us all back together. Rationally I know that is not possible but I often dream about it.
Lily was such a good girl she had so much love to give and she was loved by many. So many people miss her. I have to get better I still have a son who needs me. I keep Lily’s door closed I have not been in her room since she committed suicide. I cannot face it; Patricia and Gabe have been over to grab a few items that belonged to Lily. Patricia needed something with Lily’s smell. I have been told I need to pack up her belongings. I cannot bring myself to do it not yet. I have stopped drinking I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I run a lot and it helps release my rage that I have inside of me.
I am back to work full time; I attend AA meetings, and I have been going through grief counseling. I have all this sorrow, and I know that I have been ignoring it. Wishing it would go away. Lily’s friends come and check on me every once in a while. We mostly reminisce about Lily. I miss hearing her play the piano, and her beautiful singing voice. I watch so many videos of my daughter and she was so full of life. She was magic you could not stop watching her. She was so beautiful, kind and free spirited. She was fun loving, and hilarious.
Losing Lily was the ultimate tragedy for my family and I. My family’s relationship was so intense, we all had an intense relationship with Lily. Her death robbed me of being able to carry out my role as a parent. I feel this overwhelming sense of failure for not protecting my daughter. I expected her to bury us not her mother, and I burying her. When we lost our daughter a huge part of Patricia, and myself died with her. I feel betrayed by God for her death. It was not natural it was not supposed to happen this way. My faith in humanity has been shattered. I thought Lily would get better go out into the world and make it a much better place. I know I have been searching for answers on why Lily killed herself. However, I know those answers are unattainable.
When Lily died, I was shocked I felt numb I had no reason to go on. I was in complete denial that she was gone. I would wait for her to walk through the door with her big beautiful smile. I was so confused after her death. I would drive and forget where I was going. My mind was often in a haze. I questioned my sanity even though I knew I was not insane. I felt like I was on overload all the time. I was not sleeping or taking care of myself. I feel so much guilt for her death what could I have done differently? I felt powerless I could not protect my own child I could not save her. I am still angry especially when I see happy families out and about. I felt a loss of hope after Lily’s death I was not only grieving for Lily. I was also grieving for the loss of my hopes, dreams and expectations for Lily.
Time has not necessarily provided any relief from this aspect of my grief. I experienced an upsurge of grief when Lily should have started college. I was not prepared for those triggers and the wave of grief her death brought. I am now aware of these triggers and I am allowing myself to grieve. I am told this is a normal, appropriate and necessary part of the healing process.
Gabriel is grieving to and it has been an enormous challenge. My wife, and I cannot find the balance to comfort him, and grieve ourselves. I do not want my son to feel like he is alone, or has been set aside. Patricia, and I need to find a way to support him emotionally. Gabe should not have to comfort my wife and I. We should be comforting him. Patricia has become so overprotective of Gabe which is not healthy. We need to find a way to work together, and get through this together. It will take a lot of work and commitment from all of us. I am willing to put in the work. I know Gabe is willing to put in the work, and Patricia too.
It may seem like an impossible task to get over the loss of Lily but I know it will start to hurt less. I need to be optimistic about the future. I need to be realistic about things. I know I will never get over the death of my daughter. I know the holidays; her birthday, and special occasions will be hard, and cause grief but I can gain ways to cope with the pain. My family, and I can find ways to cope with the pain. Right now, I am taking it day by day.
I hide from my guilt which is I am told is not uncommon. I must confront it, and forgive myself I did the best that I could for Lily. I have been taking small steps I take an hour for myself. I adopted a cat. I have been cooking, cleaning and doing things to make my life normal again. I remember all the good times I had with Lily. I write about her life all the things I want to remember. Writing about her has brought me comfort and laughter. I know that it is okay to laugh and smile while grieving. I should not feel guilty for wanting to smile or make a silly joke. I know I am not abandoning my grief by going out and enjoying my life. That is the only way I will survive all of this.
I am starting to reach out for help I am letting others know what I need. I ask friends to do shopping for me. I ask friends to come over so we can talk about Lily. I have the James and Brett over all the time and they listen to me. They understand my loneliness. They tell me I must make a new commitment to living my life as hard as it may be. They assure me I will survive this and I know this experience has changed me. Thank God for James, Brett, Emily, Meghan and Johnny they have all been my lifeline. I have made new friends from AA and my grief support group. We often
times go out for coffee or a bite to eat. It is nice to have people who understand your pain and can lift you up with just a smile or a kind gesture.
Patricia and I have been speaking. We are talking about her and Gabe coming back to California. I understand Patricia was grieving differently than myself. I am sorry for the way I treated her and Gabe. I was drunk all the time to cover up my pain in the end, all it did was cause more suffering for everyone. I believe with work we can all be a family again. We all need each other more than ever. I believe our relationship can grow through our grief, but be need a plan of action.
Patricia says that our marriage needs to become our number one priority in order for us to work. I believe if we all walk, hike, eat healthy, have a regular sleep schedule and exercise together will help us to heal. My grieving style was different from my wife’s I wanted it fixed right away I was angry I could not protect Lily. Patricia always wanted to talk, and gather keep sakes. Patricia spoke of a future that Lily would never have. I just wanted my grief to end, and end quickly.
Trafficking the Disappearance of Lily Rose Flannery: Based on Many True Stories Page 13