by Sarah Lawton
‘Where’s the lovely Vivian tonight, anyway?’ asked Steve, topping up his glass, the scent of the wine slipping through the air making me shudder.
‘She’s gone to Molly’s,’ I said, taking a swig of my own drink, lemon tingling refreshingly sour in my mouth. ‘Abi and Gavin are off reviewing a hotel or spa or something and the girls are making the most of their garden, but they’ll be back at ours later.’
‘Do you think they’ll have a wild party?’ he said, the look on his face telling me he was remembering some of his own.
‘No, I don’t think so. I’m not sure there are even enough kids at school to have a really wild party!’
‘Talking about parties,’ said Steve, draining his glass, ‘shall we go on a holiday? I can book something last minute, something cheap and cheerful? We could take Vivian?’
‘I’m not sure I can afford it this year,’ I told him, feeling guilty for lying again about my finances. I could afford it; I just wasn’t sure Vivian would behave. ‘And I’ve already booked our Dorset holiday at the end of term. Definitely soon, though – maybe a weekend somewhere? Abi and Gavin owe me some sleepovers!’
I felt guilty brushing him off, but I knew there was no way I would ever leave Vivian by herself. I didn’t trust anyone else with her enough to actually go away. I briefly wondered what she was up to at Molly’s, but then Steve started telling me about his latest Bristol beefcake and I was too busy laughing at his stories to think about anything else.
Vivian
I get to Molly’s at exactly six and there are already people in the garden drinking and having a laugh. Molly is in the kitchen filling a tall glass with ice and cider. She’s wearing tiny shorts and a cropped T-shirt and I feel overdressed and a bit hot and cross.
‘Bitch!’ she says, passing me the cider. ‘Did you hear me open the bottle?’ She grabs me in a sloppy, damp hug and I almost spill it. She pushes me away, holding on to my shoulders, and I realise from the way she’s swaying that she must have already had a few, even though it’s still early.
‘Are Serena and Sasha here?’ I ask her, taking a gulp and trying not to hiccough or burp or be angry at her for already being so drunk.
‘Yep,’ says Molly, in a sing-song voice. ‘Sash brought a couple o’ crates and a couple o’ mates. Let’s go kiss some boys.’
I have no intention of kissing anyone but I follow her out anyway, lifting my hair away from my neck where I’ve already started to sweat.
Serena is in the garden on the swing chair staring longingly at Matthew Grey, who is here with his brother, Ben, who is one of Sasha’s friends. I don’t mind living here after everything went wrong in London, but everyone knows everyone and sometimes a girl just wants a secret or two or seven. Molly walks up to Serena and dumps a cold bottle on her lap, making her shriek as it hits her bare legs. Matthew and Ben both look over briefly with matching Grey grins but I notice that it’s not Serena that Matt’s eyes linger on, but Molly. I also notice that she’s fully aware of this and she looks straight back at him with her own smile, and I’m worried. Serena has been ‘in love’ with Matt for years and years and she is convinced something is going to happen between them soon. Her constant wittering about how great he is makes me feel sick. They’ve been sitting next to each other in English this year and passing stupid notes, and while I think he probably does like her, there’s no way he would go there if Molly shows any interest, and I don’t like the way she’s looking at him. This is trouble, and I don’t like trouble.
Serena puts her drink down and tells us she’s going to the loo. I think she’s probably going to go and put more make-up on now that Matt is here within her reach. Her lip gloss is already an inch thick. As she leaves, Molly begins to twist up her hair, tilting one hip.
‘It’s too hot,’ she pouts at me, her top riding up to show even more of her smooth brown belly as she pulls her hair into a messy bun on top of her head. She’s still looking at Matt over my shoulder, and I don’t have to turn around to know that his eyes are fixed on her slim body as she does her little performance.
‘What are you doing?’ I hiss at her.
‘What?’ she says, looking at me now, ‘What’s that supposed to mean, what am I doing?’ Her eyes aren’t properly focusing on my face: they drift from one side to the other. This is very strange behaviour – Molly doesn’t do things like this. She is supposed to be a nice person. I am not impressed, and I think she has had way too much to drink.
‘You’re flirting with Matt, and you know Serena likes him! I thought you liked Newboy?’
The look she gives me makes me twist inside.
‘Ha,’ she says. ‘Well, I don’t see Serena’s name written on him anywhere, and it’s every girl for themselves, isn’t it? You should know, Vivian.’ She sneers my name at me and then pushes past me to go and seat herself between Matt and his brother.
I wonder what she means but then I see Serena come bounding out of the house with a smile, only to stop dead as she sees Molly sitting next to Matthew, one achingly long leg now slung over his. Serena would never have the balls to do that so I run over and hustle her back into the house before she freaks out and embarrasses everyone.
‘I don’t know what she’s up to. You know it doesn’t mean anything, Serena. She’s just mucking about,’ I gabble, but it’s no use because Serena’s amber eyes are filling with tears. This is why I’m not interested in boys. Fancying people makes you too vulnerable to being an idiot about it and humiliating yourself. I would never give anyone control over me like that, unlike my foolish mother. Love makes you weak.
‘She could have anyone! Why is she making Matt fall in love with her? Everyone knows how much I like him!’ Serena is staring out of the window at them and, despite my irritation, I’m finding it really hard not to laugh at the tragic look on her face.
Everyone knows her feelings except Matt, it would appear. He looks shell-shocked by the sudden attention he’s getting from Molly, who is now casually trailing her fingers through the curly brown hair at the nape of his neck. As we watch he slides a tentative hand on to Molly’s knee and edges it up her thigh, thumb caressing. She leans in to him, laughing at something Ben is saying, and lays her head on his shoulder. Matt casually puts his arm around her back, his other hand now on her shoulder, that thumb rubbing up and down. He almost visibly puffs up, his face lit with an incredulous grin.
Serena actually wails at this sight and covers her face.
‘I can’t believe this. She’s such a cunt!’
She almost shouts the last word, which I have never heard her use before, and I look out into the garden in alarm, but no one has heard her.
‘She’s just mucking around.’ I try to reassure her again, but Serena’s face has gone cold and pale. Her lips are a funny colour, white under the make-up. She looks like a corpse.
‘No, she isn’t, Viv. I know you’re her number one fan and all, but this is what she’s always been like. You’re blind. She can’t bear for anyone else to get any attention, or have anything that she doesn’t. She wants everything for herself. She was just waiting for him to start liking me back so it hurts more,’ she spits out, spitefully. ‘Just wait until you have something she doesn’t. I’m going home.’
‘That’s not true,’ I try and tell her. ‘Molly is always nice to everyone.’
Serena just looks at me like I am stupid, which I don’t appreciate. I don’t try to stop her as she wipes tears away and then storms out of the house. She closes the door quietly and that surprises me; I thought she would have slammed it.
The early evening wanes into the evening proper, and the sky is starting to turn pink and purple, luminous at the edges. I’m just sitting by myself on the swing chair, watching Molly get steadily even more drunk, and more all over Matt. I can’t understand it because she’s never shown any interest in him before, cute as he is, I suppose, with his stonewashed denim-blue eyes and dark curls. She’s pulling on one of them now and laughing as it springs back, a
glossy coil. They haven’t kissed yet but I can see that it’s going to happen. I want to go home myself, but obviously I can’t without Molly, and she’s not going anywhere. Sasha and her friends left ten minutes ago, giving Molly filthy looks after Serena flounced off, and Ben has wandered off to talk to his other friends about where they are going next.
I’m thinking about going inside and watching Netflix or something when a shadow falls over me and I look up.
‘Alex,’ I say, without thinking. ‘You got Molly’s invitation, then?’
Alex smiles, and I shock myself by imagining his mouth on mine, those white teeth on my lip. Where did that come from?
‘This seat taken?’ He gestures to the swing seat with his bottle of beer. I shift up, willing myself not to blush. I can feel nervous sweat stinging under my arms. I glance over to Molly but she doesn’t seem to have noticed anything except how funny it is to spring Matt’s hair.
Alex doesn’t say anything. He sits down right next to me and surveys the scene and takes a long swig of his drink. I watch the movement of his throat, the ripples of the pulling muscles under his smooth skin.
‘Did you need that?’ I say, the gap in conversation making me antsy.
He looks at me with cool eyes. He pushes with his feet and the seat starts to rock back and forth. ‘It’s hot,’ he eventually replies. ‘The beer’s cold.’
I sit there, tense, not sure what to do or say. Alex puts his arm along the back of the chair and I’m painfully aware that if I sit back a bit the bare skin of my shoulders will touch the bare skin of his arm. There’s a lump in my throat and I can feel my heart beating. It feels like it’s being squeezed, folded in half, gulping for blood. I don’t sit back.
‘Tell me about Vivian,’ he says suddenly, turning to me and startling me again. ‘What do you think about living in a pokey little village, miles from anywhere with nothing to do except get pissed?’
I think I like the way my name sounds when he says it.
‘Well…’ I trail off, unsure of why he’s interested in talking to me. ‘I like it, I guess.’
‘You like everyone knowing your business? What about your secrets?’ He leans in slightly as he whispers the last word, and I shift away a bit.
‘I haven’t got any secrets,’ I lie, looking away. ‘It’s not like that. It’s more I suppose people like to feel safe, you know? We all know each other, we look out for each other.’
Alex just looks at me and takes another swig of beer.
‘Where’s your friend gone, then?’ he says, nodding to where Molly isn’t sitting any more, just as I feel my phone going off.
‘Sorry. Serena had a bit of a meltdown earlier. I need to check if this is her.’
It isn’t, it’s Tilly. Serena went to the chippy and is apparently crying all over the chips about how Molly is behaving. They want to know what she’s doing now. Molly isn’t here, and nor is Matt. I don’t know where they are, but I’m not telling them that. I lie instead, quickly tapping out that they are here and that nothing is happening and that they should come back. They don’t want to, though. Serena is hammered and upset, so Tilly is going to take her back to her house behind the shop.
I notice that Alex is watching what I’m texting.
‘Trouble in paradise?’ he asks, quirking an eyebrow, and I frown, cross with him for the second time in one day.
‘For someone I’ve just met and who just moved here, you seem to think you know a lot and you’re also really annoying.’
‘I like to watch people,’ he says, ‘it’s the only thing to do here. Lots of secrets to uncover.’
‘Ha! Like what?’
‘Like, did you know your friend is fucking her way through the whole school?’ The comment blindsides me, it’s difficult not to rock back.
‘What? No, she isn’t, what friend? Who?’ I ask, but I’m worried I know exactly who he is talking about. He just smirks a bit.
‘You’re a liar,’ I tell him as I stand up, denying what he’s saying even after what Serena said and what I’ve seen tonight. ‘And an arsehole. You should leave.’
Alex stands up. He’s so much taller than me. I can smell something earthy and almost smoky about him, which makes my mouth dry. One of my straps has fallen off my shoulder and he raises a hand and uses one long finger to gently slide it back up and I think my heart almost stops as he then uses it to trace a line along my collarbone before resting it on my throat, just for a second. I can’t breathe and I think for a frozen moment that he is going to kiss me, but he just smiles his shark smile and turns and leaves.
Heart hammering, I go into the house to look for Molly. It’s getting late, the light is fading and everyone else must have left when I was talking to Alex, because the garden is deserted except for beer cans and empty bottles. There’s no one downstairs so I go into the understairs loo and look in the mirror, wondering if Alex’s finger has burnt me. But I look the same as always, just paler – if that’s even possible. I can see a pulse throbbing in my neck and I wonder if that’s where his finger stopped when he touched me.
Wandering through the empty house feels strange. Usually I like it here; it’s minimalist and cool and calm, but tonight it feels charged up. No Molly. I’m going to be so cross if she’s run off somewhere without me. Slowly, I gravitate toward the stairs to see if she is in her bedroom, moving as quietly as I can manage, which is very quiet indeed when I want to be. Her door is ajar and as I walk towards it I hear something, a weird slapping noise, so I creep up to look through the gap into the dim room beyond. Molly is naked from the waist down and sitting astride Matt on her bed. He’s thrusting himself into her violently, his hands gripping her hips, her hair everywhere, her own hands under her top on her breasts. I can hear them both now moaning, groaning, and I should leave but I can’t stop looking. Molly told us she was still a virgin like us, but this doesn’t look like the first time she’s done this, and Alex’s words are resounding in my head. She’s grinding herself onto him and her hand goes between her legs rubbing and I can hear him swearing and I have to leave, now, before I throw up every drop I’ve drunk tonight along with my rage that she could do this, that she’s been having this secret life, risking ruining our group for no reason I can understand – she would do that, for this? When anyone is here to see it! Did she want me to see her?
I run down the stairs and out of the door. I’m supposed to be waiting for her to come home with me, but she can go fuck herself. Once she’s finished with Matthew, anyway.
I stomp around the village for a while trying to calm down. I’m walking past the pub when someone grabs my arm. I spin around thinking it might be Molly, but it isn’t, it’s Tristan, Tilly’s horrible brother, and he stinks of beer.
‘Vivvy, Vivvy!’ he slurs. ‘Where you going, baby?’ He starts to paw at my body, trying to pull me towards him, to rub himself against me. His dirty brown hair, which is usually tied back in a scratty ponytail, is loose around his face, and I have a horror of it touching me.
‘Get off me!’ I tell him, pushing at his chest. ‘Get off!’ but he’s all over me. He pulls me, and I can’t stop him, until we are in the alley next to the pub, where he pins me hard against the wall and starts tugging up my top, trying to get his hand in the waistband of my jeans, his fingers worming down.
‘C’mon, Vivvy, give me a kiss.’
‘No!’ I’m shouting now, craning away from him as he leans towards me, the wet hole of his mouth rank, and I manage to kick him hard as I can in the leg and he springs back, letting me go. I can see white spots behind my eyes; I’m about to completely lose control of my temper.
‘Ow, you stupid little bitch! I was just messing around, you frigid cow.’
Suddenly Molly is there too, shoving her way in between us.
‘Get off her, you scumbag!’ she shouts, slapping at him and barging against him with her shoulder. ‘You’re disgusting! Fuck off!’
He does, giving her a long look before spitting at our feet and then
staggering off toward the chip shop and the house behind where he lives with Tilly and their parents. Molly grabs me, and she’s really drunk, her eyes blank and staring.
‘Why did you leave, Viv? I’m staying at yours, remember? I was looking for you in the garden then I heard you shouting.’ Her top is on backwards.
‘You disappeared,’ I tell her. ‘Did you go off with Matt?’
‘No, of course not,’ she says, proving that even when she’s wasted she can to lie to my face without even a flicker. ‘He went home, and I just zonked out upstairs. D’you think your mum is in the pub? Shall we go and see? Are you okay?’
‘No! Let’s just go back to mine. You need to sober up.’
She shrugs her shoulders and huffs off towards my house. She falls over the stile getting into the field and I have to try and pull her up off the ground where she’s rolling around, laughing like an idiot. I’m getting really cross. I’m thinking about how I could accidentally kick her in the face, but I eventually get her up and get her to my house, make her drink a pint of water and then put her into a sleeping bag on the floor of my room where she immediately falls asleep.
I think about staying up but then Mum will get home and she’ll know something is wrong if I’m not with Molly and just go on and on and on, so I get changed and lie down on my bed instead. I run through some breathing exercises to try and get rid of how furious I am about this whole horrible evening, until finally I fall asleep.
I don’t know how long I’ve been dreaming for but I wake up with a jerk. Molly is kneeling up beside me, staring at me. The edges of her face in the dim light make it look like one of those ancient Greek statues, all smooth curves and blind eyes.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ I whisper.
‘Did he kiss you?’ she says, her breath hot and sour-sweet.
‘Who? Tristan? No, I pushed him off before he could.’
‘No, I meant Newboy. I saw you with him in the garden, I saw you talking. Did he kiss you? Did you have your first kiss?’