Then, like the helpless child that he was, he finally started to cry.
Chapter 18
Sunlight poured across Alec’s face as he struggled to alertness. Groggily he groaned and opened his eyes, surprised to find himself in his bedroom.
He had no recollection of returning to the farmhouse last night. If his headache was any indication, he had a pretty good idea why, too.
Shania appeared in the doorway. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he echoed, pushing himself to his elbows. “What time is it?”
“Ten-thirty.”
Alec’s head pounded so violently that he had to lie back against his pillow again. Ten-thirty. Good lord. He’d never slept that late in his life.
She gave a sympathetic smile as she stepped into his room. “I figured you might need some of these,” she added, taking a seat beside him.
In spite of himself, he managed to grin when she held out two aspirin and a glass of water. “Thanks.”
She waited for him to finish the water before she spoke. “How are you feeling?”
“Can we start with an easier question?”
“Sure.” She took the empty glass from his hand and set it on the nightstand. “Dr. Connelly called this morning. She said your father was stable through the night and his vitals are looking good. We can go see him whenever you want.”
The full weight of yesterday crashed down on him again as he stared up at the ceiling. Last night he’d given in to his anger and despair, but there was no point in dwelling on what, if anything, he could have done differently. Two men were dead, and his father wasn’t far off. Whether any of it was his fault or it was just a freak act of nature, there was only one direction for him to go:
Forward.
Shania scooted closer and stretched out beside him, resting her head on his shoulder. Automatically Alec wrapped his arm around her, but this time he didn’t notice her scent or her warmth. He wondered if Walter’s condition was somehow contagious, because he felt completely disconnected from his senses…like his mind had been separated from his body.
“I canceled my return flight.”
Shania’s words yanked him right back to earth. “You did?” he asked.
She frowned when he turned to face her. “Of course I did. I’m going to call the conservancy, too, and see if I can hold off on my internship.”
Alec was dumbfounded. “But Shania–”
“But nothing,” she said, pressing her finger to his lips. “None of that matters, Alec. The most important place I can be right now is here with you.”
He cringed when he saw the look in her eyes, the look that had taken his breath away by the river. Now that same look evoked a sense of terror in him like nothing he’d felt before.
No. This is all wrong.
Of the million different thoughts that swept through his mind yesterday, the notion that she would want to stay here had never even occurred to him. It was one thing for them to move to a new city, pursue their careers, and create a life together. But it was quite another thing for her to sacrifice all of that and settle down here to this tedious existence…an existence that was only going to become more difficult with Alec’s new circumstances.
How could he possibly expect her to do that for him?
The walls seemed to spiral around him as he rose from the bed and walked to the window, struggling to make sense of his thoughts. Alec felt like he was being drawn and quartered, pulled in a hundred different directions at once. He wished there was someone else in the family he could turn to for support, someone who could help him make these impossible decisions.
But there wasn’t. It was just him and his father, and now their roles were reversed. Now it was time for Alec to step up and be the caretaker, whether he was ready to or not. The responsibility was his and his alone.
So as much as he wanted her to, deep down he knew that Shania didn’t factor into the equation.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “But I can’t.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean…I can’t even think about any of that right now,” he replied, turning to look at her. “There’s so much I need to figure out.”
“I know,” she assured him, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. “And it’s too much for you to try to do on your own. So I’ll help you make this transition, whatever it involves–”
“How can you possibly know what it’s going to involve? I don’t even know what it’s going to involve!”
His voice began to rise in pitch as he paced a frantic circle around his bedroom. “I’ve never had a real responsibility in my life. You think I have any idea how to run this ranch? I don’t. I don’t know the first thing about managing a business. And I don’t have the slightest clue how I’m going to take care of my father or where I’m going to come up with the money to do it!”
“You’ll figure all of that out. You’re so smart, Alec. There’s nothing you can’t do if you put your mind to it.” When he didn’t respond, Shania stood and made her way over to him. “I know it must feel like it, but you’re not alone, okay? I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
He stared back at her as if the answers were written on her face. “Do you have any idea what you’re signing up for?”
“Whatever it is, we’ll brave it together,” she said, lifting her hand to touch his cheek. “I want to be with you, Alec. It’s as simple as that.”
“No, it’s not. You want to be with the person I was four days ago.”
She flinched and withdrew her hand. “That’s not fair.”
“You’re right. It’s not.” He stepped closer and grasped her shoulders. “Everything’s gone now. Do you understand that? Whoever I was before is gone. The life I was planning is gone. Everything we talked about that night is gone, and whatever I do have left I’m going to give to my father, because that’s exactly what he would do for me.”
Alec paused and drew in a deep breath. “So take a good look at these four walls, because this is it. This is all I have. This is what my life is going to be. Can you look me in the eye and honestly tell me that this is what you want?”
She didn’t break their gaze. “You really don’t know how I feel about you?”
“Shania, this is hardly the time for sentiment–”
“Dammit, Alec, it’s not sentiment. I love you.”
His stomach plummeted to the floor.
“I know my timing is terrible,” she added, her tone softer now. “But it’s true. And if you can’t say it back right now, that’s okay. I know that your father is your top priority, and that’s the way it should be. I’m not trying to take his place. I’m just trying to be here for you. And I promise right now that I will never ask more from you than you can give.”
For a brief moment, he allowed himself to entertain the idea. He tried to imagine himself juggling it all–caring for his father, managing the business, and having plenty of time to devote to their relationship, as well.
It only took him a couple of seconds to realize that his vision would never match up to reality. He already knew that she would get pushed to the backburner, and she deserved better than that.
Shania deserved to be with someone who could make her the center of his world.
Alec reached out and enveloped her in his embrace, already cursing himself for what he was about to do. “You meant what you said? You really love me?”
She nodded against his cheek.
“You’d do anything for me?”
She pulled back to look at him. “Anything.”
He cupped her face in his hands and tenderly kissed her forehead. “Then go.”
Shania stared at him in bewilderment. “What?”
“You heard me,” he assured her. “I can’t let you drop your whole life to stay here. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”
“Don’t you think that’s my decision to make?”
“If it were as simple as you and me? Yes. But it’s not.” He sucked in a dee
p breath. “I’m so sorry, Shania. You are the best friend I’ve ever had and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But you can’t ask me to do both. I can’t do us and this. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
Her chin trembled against his palm. “Maybe you just need time. I know it’s a lot to think about right now but maybe if–”
“I don’t need time,” he replied steadily. “I already know it’s more than I can give.”
Alec felt like the worst human being alive when slow tears began dripping down her cheeks. He knew he was breaking her heart. Even worse, he was doing it on purpose.
But for her own sake, he had to do it, and he hoped one day that she would understand that. He had no idea what the future held for him. He had no idea what his life was going to be like tomorrow, next month, or ten years from now.
The only thing he was certain of was that a woman like Shania deserved far better than the miniscule life he had to offer her.
She searched his eyes for another minute before she abruptly turned away. He watched her sit on the edge of his bed and pull on her boots before she stood and made three slow steps toward the hall. When she paused in the doorway, Alec was grateful that he couldn’t see her face.
He didn’t want to see what he was doing to her.
“Shania, please,” he said softly. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”
The last thing he heard was her quiet sniffle before she disappeared down the hallway.
Chapter 19
Rebecca was silent for a long time after Alec finished his story. She’d listened all night without interruption, and now it was his turn to wait for her reaction. She stared back at him unblinking, as if expecting him to continue.
“That was it?” she asked.
“That was it.”
Her expression was pained. “You threw her out of your life.”
Alec had no choice but to agree. “Yeah. I did.”
Rebecca rose from the couch and wandered towards the fireplace. “I can’t believe you never told me any of this.”
“Well, they’re not exactly pleasant memories.”
“It’s not just that, though. There’s so much about your family I didn’t know. I never knew that your mother was Cree. You never told me that you got accepted into veterinary school. And you certainly never told me that you almost started a life with another woman.”
He couldn’t argue her points. “There’s just never been a reason to bring it up,” he replied. “As far as Shania…yes, she was a huge part of my past. But she was also right there, smack in the middle of the two worst days of my life. In a way, she almost became like a bad luck charm.”
Rebecca gave a slow nod. “But if it weren’t for your father’s accident, you would have ended up with her.”
“I don’t know, Bec. I can’t answer that.”
“It sounded pretty serious, Alec. You were going to move in together. That’s a big deal.”
“I’m not saying it wasn’t. But I was also serious about leaving Jackson and going to school, and that never panned out, either.” He paused to collect his thoughts. “It’s something we talked about one time. I’d hardly call that a solid plan.”
She turned her gaze to the fireplace. “Did you see her at all after she left?”
“No. Not ‘til today.”
“But you’ve kept in touch with her?”
“On and off. I got a letter from her about six months later. She told me that she was moving to Oregon for grad school and that things were going well for her. For a couple years after that, we did talk pretty regularly again. I needed someone to bounce ideas off of when I was converting this place into a guest ranch. And she’d keep me updated on where she was at and what she was working on.”
“What does she do, exactly?”
“She works for a wildlife agency. She’s a field biologist.”
“Oh.”
When Rebecca grew silent, he stood and made his way over to her. “I want you to know something,” he said, gently turning her to face him. “There was never once talk of her coming back here or us trying to be together. She may not have agreed with my decision, but she respected it and she moved on. Just like I did.”
She frowned. “Have you spoken to her since we’ve been together?”
“No. The last time I talked to her was before you moved back here from Boston. I told her that I’d met somebody and that we were serious. She said she was happy for us.” He gave a little shrug. “And that was it.”
He could tell that she believed him, but there was no mistaking the hurt in her eyes. She’d asked him many times about his previous relationships, and his response was always the same. Whether his high school girlfriends or the girls he met at the rodeos, in every instance it was casual and brief.
Shania was the only exception, and just barely. What they had wasn’t casual, but it was the definition of brief.
Alec opened his arms and felt his tension melt away when Rebecca stepped into his embrace. He closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair, inhaling her familiar scent into his lungs. The bath products she used smelled more citrusy than sweet–a fact he was grateful for.
To this day, the slightest whiff of vanilla took him right back to that night with Shania.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I should’ve told you all of this a long time ago.”
“I understand why you didn’t,” she replied, lifting her face to look at him. “I knew you made sacrifices for your father, but I had no idea how much you actually gave up to stay here.”
“Well, I try not to dwell on it anymore. And besides, if I hadn’t stayed, then I never would have met you.”
For the first time all evening, Rebecca smiled. She tilted her chin up and touched her lips to his before she spoke again. “So when does she start, then?”
Alec had all but forgotten why they were discussing this in the first place. “Monday. But only if it’s alright with you.”
Now that she knew the whole story, he realized it was only fair to give her the chance to veto the situation. He certainly didn’t want to send Shania away–again–but if her presence was going to make his wife uncomfortable, there was no doubt where his loyalty lay.
To his relief, though, she gave a little nod. “You’ve never given me a reason not to trust you.”
“And I never will,” he assured her. “Don’t forget that I’ve seen firsthand what infidelity does. My mother tore two families apart without a scrap of guilt or remorse. I hope you know I could never do that to you.”
Rebecca searched his eyes. “There’s just one more thing I want to know.”
“What’s that?”
“Did you love her?”
When he saw her hopeful expression, he was almost tempted to tell her what she wanted to hear. Instead he released a deep breath and smoothed his hand along her cheek.
“Yes,” he admitted. “But I didn’t need her like I need you.”
*
If such a thing was possible, Rebecca awoke the following morning with an emotional hangover.
Alec was long gone by the time she dragged herself out of bed and shuffled down the steps. Although nothing he revealed last night had upset her, she couldn’t deny that she felt unsettled. She knew that her husband was a private person, but she had no idea how much he actually internalized.
How was it possible that they’d been together for four years and he’d never told her even the most basic facts about his family? And for as large of a role as she’d played in his life, how was it that he’d never even mentioned Shania until now?
That had to mean something…but what?
Rebecca grabbed an apple from the counter and gave Walter a quick, distracted kiss on the forehead on her way out the door. She was so lost in thought that she didn’t even notice her sister-in-law’s car sitting in the parking lot. Only when she entered the staff barn and saw Allison grooming Twister did she finally snap out of her daze.
“Tell me we have t
he same idea,” Allison greeted.
Rebecca nodded and reached for Star’s halter. “We definitely do.”
The ranch faded behind them a few minutes later as they trotted into the shade of the aspen grove. “So,” her friend said, “what’s the story with Shania?”
She gave a mirthless laugh. “I can’t believe it took you this long to ask.”
“Are you kidding? You’re lucky you had such a bad ride last night, or I would’ve pounced on you after the rodeo.”
Rebecca pulled Star to a walk. “When did you meet her?”
“She sat with us for the last hour or so.”
“And what did you think?”
“Honestly?” Allison gave an apologetic shrug. “She seemed cool. She and Jeff really hit it off. Even Liz opened right up to her.”
“And how did Alec act with her?” she dared to ask. “Tell me the truth, Alli.”
“The truth? I’ve never seen Alec talk so much. They didn’t stop the whole night.”
Rebecca was feeling queasier by the minute. “Were they flirting?”
“No, I wouldn’t say that. But they’re definitely comfortable around each other.”
“Well, they should be.” She sighed and met Allison’s gaze. “He’s known her his whole life. She was his best friend for more than twenty years, and he’s never even mentioned her name.”
“Why?”
She repeated Alec and Shania’s story–their childhood, their parents’ affair, and their reunion years later. Her voice trailed off, though, when the unwelcome image of the two of them together flooded her mind. Rebecca knew she needed to stop dwelling on it, but she couldn’t help it.
Did Alec kiss Shania the same way that he kissed her? Did he touch her the same way? Did he hold her the same way afterward?
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