She heard the intercom ring and Jonathan answer it as she grabbed her scarf, gloves, and coat and slipped into her most comfortable kitten heels. Cab or no, she wanted to be able to walk for at least a little while before her feet would start hurting. She said a quick goodbye to Jonathan and headed downstairs to meet Mark. As soon as she came through the door to the front steps he wrapped his arms around her and gave her a long, deep kiss. Eleanor felt immediately thrown off balance, while she loved the attention it was almost disconcerting how much attention he gave her. She thought to herself, a simple hug would have been just as nice and then immediately felt ungrateful for thinking that. Maybe this was just how a normal couple beginning to date interacted. She knew she had to stop comparing everything Mark did to how Michael had behaved. Mark was a completely different man and she wanted to be able to just enjoy herself.
“Are you ready?” Mark said, breaking through her thoughts.
“Y-yes,” Eleanor stammered slightly in reply. “I can’t wait to see where we’re going.”
Grinning, “Well, you only have to wait a little bit longer. I pulled some strings and made some calls. Shall we?” he finished, indicating to the waiting taxi behind him.
Eleanor smiled back at him and they quickly slid into the cab and sped away. It took a little bit of time, winding through London traffic, but Eleanor could tell they were heading into the Knightsbridge area. They passed Harrods, aglow in its usual bright lights, and shortly after pulled up in front of a smaller but almost equally glowing and sparkling building. Eleanor registered that it was one of the luxurious boutique hotels in the area that had impeccable reviews for its in-house restaurant. From the outside the whole place looked magical with its sparkling lights around the exterior and the glow of candlelight illuminating each window. But as beautiful as it looked it also made Eleanor’s heart jump to her throat. The whole place screamed expensive.
Mark reached out his hand to help Eleanor get out of the taxi and she suddenly became very self-conscious trying to do it as gracefully as possible, there were other people arriving and doormen at the entrance that she didn’t want to look foolish in front of. She felt very much out of her comfort zone in this place. She suddenly thought back to the last time she’d been taken somewhere like this, not on a date, but by her father on one of the few times she visited him in Manhattan. It did not go well and the memory sent shivers up her spine.
As Mark led her up the steps she frantically tried to remember the order of forks and spoons. It looked like the kind of place that would have multiple courses. She felt her heart racing slightly as they walked into the reception. She took a deep breath to try to calm herself as Mark helped her out of her coat and handed it, along with her gloves and scarf, to the waiting coat check attendant, followed by his own coat and scarf. Eleanor gripped her small clutch to keep from fidgeting with her hands. Mark looked so sure and confident as he guided her into the restaurant. It was beautiful, truly stunning. And Eleanor thought she saw Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz at one of the corner tables. She couldn’t have felt more out of her element than she did in that moment. Mark helped her into her seat and there was a flurry of activity as various servers poured wine and opened menus with a flourish. Eleanor tried not to make a face when she saw the prices. This was way too much. She should have made Mark tell her where they were going beforehand. She felt so ungrateful for not just going along and enjoying it. She knew other women would likely give anything to be out with a guy like Mark and in a restaurant like this. She felt her heart start to pound again.
Noticing the creeping signs of distress on Eleanor’s face, Mark asked with concern, “Is everything alright Elle?”
Trying to cover, “Yes, it’s lovely. Just a bit more than I was expecting.” She smiled to try to hide her anxiety.
“Well, you deserve it. We’re celebrating remember? I figured we’d celebrate in style.”
“Côte Brasserie or Belgos would have been sufficient Mark. You didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”
“It’s no trouble Elle, really. My parents know the owners. I can get a table here any time. And Côte or Belgos is not where I wanted to take you tonight. You deserve something more special than that. Now, what looks good? Tonight you’ll have anything you want.”
Eleanor knew he was trying to make her feel better but, if anything, she just felt worse. This was too much for what was technically only their second date. She tried to calm her nerves and look at the menu. They soon ordered and Eleanor let herself get lost in the conversation, trying to make Mark do most of the talking. It was pretty easy, he was in the middle of a big project at school himself and Eleanor kept asking him questions, letting it distract her from her discomfort. Dinner went by in a blur, she tried not to drink too much champagne, she nearly gasped when it arrived thinking about the cost and she prayed that maybe it was a complimentary perk because of who Mark’s family were. She tried to avoid ordering dessert but Mark insisted. Eleanor continued to try to keep up with the conversation and be pleasant company, but her back was starting to ache from sitting up straight—she wasn’t about to slouch or lean back against her chair in this place—and her head was starting to hurt from the internal struggle to make sure she was saying and doing the right things. She knew she should just relax, and she’d hoped the champagne would help with that but mentally adding up the costs of the evening was just stressing her out again.
“Are you alright sugar?” Mark’s voice broke through Eleanor’s interior dialogue, one side stressing out, the other side trying to chill out and enjoy herself. She startled slightly at Mark’s use of “sugar.” Again, it just sounded odd to her ears. She wasn’t sure how she felt about him being so familiar after only a couple dates. She’d gotten used to her friends using terms like darling or babe or luv, she figured they were just more common here in England but sugar felt extra familiar and personal. After the way they’d been kissing she supposed it was a natural progression, but it also seemed a bit forward considering she wasn’t sure they were technically a couple. Eleanor felt so confused.
“Yes, I’m fine. Just a bit tired I guess. It’s been a rough past few days since I last saw you,” Eleanor said with a small sigh.
“Poor baby. I’m sorry, I hope you’re having fun tonight, that’s all I wanted,” Mark replied. Eleanor could tell he was trying to be charming, but again she found herself cringing inwardly at his word choice. She really wasn’t sure how she felt about him calling her “baby,” it felt even more familiar, and not a little demeaning, than sugar. She felt like she’d missed a step in the relationship and was trying to catch up to where Mark was.
“Eleanor?” she heard him say, and she realized she’d missed what he’d said.
“Sorry, yes?” she replied apologetically.
“Do you want to get out of here? We don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. You’ve been quieter than usual tonight, was the choice of restaurant not to your liking?”
Mark looked so concerned, Eleanor didn’t have the heart to tell him that she would have preferred somewhere else, so she lied, “No, the restaurant is lovely! This whole night has been incredible. I’m sorry I’ve been quiet, I really have just been interested in your project. We don’t have to leave if you don’t want to.”
“We could go somewhere else? You could come back to my place…?” Mark asked suggested.
The hopeful tone of voice combined with the last suggestion sent up a red flag in the back of Eleanor’s mind.
“Your place?” she repeated with confusion. “I’m not sure that’s really a good idea, do you?”
Looking slightly thrown, for the first time since she’d met him, Mark slowly placed his hand on top of hers and replied, “I really fancy you Eleanor, a lot. I was thinking maybe you could come back to mine after this and we could have another drink? And chat some more perhaps and, you know, just see…” he trailed off, tracing a circle over the back of her hand with his thumb, giving her a look that shot straight through
her and landed like a ton of bricks in her brain. Mark may have been trying to be seductive, and for any other woman he probably would have succeeded. But for Eleanor it just flipped a switch in her brain.
“Just see what Mark? If I would sleep with you?” Eleanor asked bluntly, pulling her hand out of his and clasping both her hands in her lap. If her napkin had been paper instead of the finest linen she would have been shredding it to pieces.
Trying to maintain his seduction routine and this time not picking up her obvious discomfort, “Well, baby, if you want to. I think you are amazing Elle, I’ve thought so since the first night you came to the pub with Jonathan,” he leaned towards her, trying to close the gap between them, “I love kissing you. I think we’d be wonderful together. Would you like that?”
A million thoughts collided in Eleanor’s brain at the same time, part of her wanted to take up Mark on what he was offering, wondering what it would be like. Another part felt scared and just wanted to be home under her duvet. But instead she heard a voice that didn’t even sound like hers. A voice that had been long hidden during her people pleasing childhood with a hard to please father and a long relationship with a man who preferred to hear her only when she was in agreement with him.
“No Mark. I would not like that. I like you too, but I’m not going home with you tonight,” she replied plainly. “And if that’s what all of this was about then you are very mistaken and I doubt you even know me at all. Did you really think I was the type of woman who would go home with you after a couple dates and a lavish meal at a fancy restaurant? We may have known each other for a while now but this is only our second date. Do I owe you something because you brought me here?” She spat out the last word like it was a dagger and she felt her blood starting to boil. How could she have been so stupid?! She felt like she’d walked herself right into this miserable situation. She wasn’t ready for this. She had no business being out on a date with Mark.
Mark, to his credit, looked suitably shocked and horrified that his plan had gone so wrong. “I’m s-sorry,” he stammered. “Of course not baby—”
“—Don’t call me ‘baby’ please. It’s a bit familiar don’t you think?” Eleanor fired back, perhaps more forcefully than the situation required but she felt cornered, and fight or flight mode was kicking in.
“Eleanor, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable and I didn’t mean to pressure you or disrespect you,” Mark insisted, trying to back pedal and regain some footing in the conversation.
“Oh, don’t worry Mark,” Eleanor said with a definite edge to her voice, “no one pressures me into anything. Look, you seemed to be a great guy and I liked you. I really enjoyed our last date and tonight had been lovely, until now. But no matter where you took me tonight I wasn’t going back to your place with you. I’m sorry but I’m just not ready for that, with you or anyone else.” Eleanor suddenly felt very tired, not just tired from the long day and long week but a fatigue that had been building since long before she got to London. She also felt sad. She’d been so hopeful for her time here but tonight she felt like she was just messing everything up. The progress she thought she’d made was just superficial. Placing her napkin on the table and picking up her clutch she started to rise from her seat. “I’m sorry for spoiling the evening Mark, it really was lovely, I’m sorry you wasted it on me. I’m going to leave now.”
Jumping up and rushing to her side, Mark exclaimed, “Elle...Eleanor, I’m sorry, really. You didn’t spoil anything, please don’t think that. This is all my fault. I put what I wanted ahead of what you needed. Of course, I understand now, that you aren’t ready. I just thought, we’d hit it off nicely and you were on the same path I was. I totally misread you. In my defense, well, you’re gorgeous and easy to talk to…Please, don’t let this spoil things between us. I can slow down, we don’t have to rush. Please!”
Feeling defeated, she said sadly, “Mark, I don’t know what I want. And it’s unfair to keep you hanging while I figure it out. I value our friendship, I don’t want to ruin that.”
Placing his hand on her arm, and then removing it quickly for fear of offending her, Mark said in a rush, “You’re not ruining anything, I am. I’m so sorry. Look, we can slow down. Take some steps backward. If you don’t want to be in a relationship right now, I understand. But please don’t ask me to stop seeing you entirely or to see you only as a friend. I couldn’t bear that. Don’t answer now, think about it. I’ll take you home now.”
“I can get home on my own, you don’t have to take me,” Eleanor insisted.
“I could never live with myself if I let you leave by yourself. And Jonathan would kill me.”
“Jonathan is not my keeper. I can go home by myself if I want. And to be honest I could use some air and time to myself. Trust me, you’re off the hook.”
“Eleanor, please, let me take you home. You don’t have to say another word, just let me get you home safely.”
Not having any energy left to argue, Eleanor simply shrugged her shoulders and nodded. Without another word between them Mark quickly paid for the meal and they collected their coats and Eleanor silently accepted Mark’s help getting her coat on. They walked out to a waiting taxi and Eleanor beat Mark to the door, opening it quickly for herself and swiftly sliding all the way across to the other side. She heard Mark sigh and get in behind her. They drove back across town, sitting in a heavy silence.
When the taxi pulled up in front of the flat Eleanor quickly got out but Mark was faster coming around from the other side, “Eleanor, wait, don’t just run away.” He quickly paid the driver and the cab sped off. “Eleanor, please, let me walk you upstairs.”
Eleanor turned to look at him and said apologetically, “I’m sorry Mark, I really am. You planned this lovely evening and I messed everything up. I thought I was ready. New life, new me, and all that. But I’m not ready for this. You clearly want so much more than I’m able to give you right now. I don’t think I’ve really changed that much, not as much as people seem to think at least. You should be with someone who is in the same place as you, not someone who’s struggling to keep up.” Eleanor felt tears prick her eyes and she knew she needed to get upstairs and fast. “Mark, you’ve done nothing wrong, this is all me. I’m sorry. I’m just not ready. Good night.” Eleanor turned on her heel and quickly let herself in through the building door. Not wanting to wait for the lift she used what little energy she had left to fly up the stairs. All she wanted was to get into the flat and into her room. Arriving at the front door she turned her key in the lock and burst into the flat, colliding with Jonathan in the hallway.
“Back already?” he asked curiously. Then he took in the frantic look on Eleanor’s face and the tears welling up in her eyes, threatening to spill any moment. “What did he do?! Ellie, are you ok? Are you hurt? What did Mark do?!”
“Oh come off it Jon, Mark didn’t do anything, he was a perfect gentleman. Or at least he was after I told him I wasn’t going to sleep with him tonight.”
“He thought you were going to sleep with him?! I’m going to kill him,” Jonathan thundered.
Eyes flashing in anger, Eleanor was suddenly feeling very angry again and was not too concerned in the moment about taking that anger out on Jonathan. “You will do nothing of the sort Jonathan McNeil! I can take care of my own business thank you very much. And I will not have you punishing Mark for misreading the situation. He had no way of knowing I wasn’t ready. I’d certainly been kissing him enthusiastically enough the last couple times we’ve seen each other. He’s not to blame for tonight, I am.”
Backing away from the fierceness of Eleanor’s angry outburst, Jonathan put his hands up in a placating manner. “Ok, ok, I won’t kill him. But Ellie, are you sure you’re alright? Whatever happened it wasn’t your fault. I don’t care how many times you’d kissed him or how enthusiastically you did so. Mark should have known better than to try to seduce you on your second date. I don’t know what possessed him, he never moves this fa
st with women.”
“I don’t know Jon. He says he fancies me. And I believe him. I just don’t know if I feel the same way. I like him a lot but I’m not sure I’m ready to get involved with someone else so soon. Or at least I’m not sure I want to get involved with him. I…,” Eleanor broke off, not sure she should continue.
“Ellie, what is it?” Jonathan asked with concern. “Here, come sit down.” He gently led her into the lounge, taking off her coat and scarf and wrapping a throw blanket around her shoulders.
Eleanor, feeling deflated, sank into the sofa as Jonathan walked back to the kitchen, coming back a moment later with two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. He poured a small glass for Eleanor and in response to the disgusted look she gave him, ordered, “You’re freezing. This will warm you up. Drink it. And continue with what you were going to say before you decided to censor yourself.”
Sipping at the drink, feeling it burn at the back of her throat, Eleanor started, “he’s your friend Jonathan, it’s not fair for me to put you in this position.”
“Sod him. You’re like a sister to me Ellie, and I told him at the beginning that he better not hurt you. You come first and he knew that.”
“I don’t want this to ruin your friendship. He was nothing but kind and polite, and absolutely horrified with himself when I told him how I felt about the situation. I feel so bad for him Jonathan! He didn’t do anything wrong other than move things along too quickly. He took me to a lovely restaurant. It’s a shame he wasted it on me. I wanted to enjoy it but you know how I feel about extravagant places.”
“Oh Ellie, I’m sorry. That was my fault. He told me where he was taking you. I didn’t even think about that time in New York with your dad. Mark was just so excited he’d managed to get a table, and you’d seemed fine at the club the other week.”
“We were in a large group at the club. And it wasn’t a formal dinner setting, it was a club,” she said with a small voice. After taking another sip of whiskey, “I like Mark. He seems like a great guy and I’m flattered he likes me. He’s funny and kind and generous and gorgeous. Any woman with half a brain would be attracted to him. But while I enjoy hanging out with him I don’t feel like we have that much common. I feel like he could just be a different version of Michael.” Noticing Jonathan about to jump to Mark’s defense, “I don’t mean he’s like Michael, just that I feel kind of similar to how I felt with Michael, just in a different way. I feel like I’m just going along with it and letting Mark determine where things go. It’s partially my fault that things went so badly tonight, I could have insisted on knowing where we were going. I could have suggested something that wouldn’t have felt so high pressure. I could have put the brakes on a bit. But I’ve just been going along and letting Mark think that I was ok with everything. And I’m not. I’m not ready to be in a relationship. At least not with Mark. I don’t feel like myself when I’m with him. I thought that was because I’m a ‘new person’ as everyone keeps telling me. But I’m still the old me, with all the same issues. Just new hair and a new wardrobe,” she finished, smiling bitterly.
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