by Holly Martin
She wanted to let him off the hook.
‘Let’s change the subject. Tell me something about you.’
‘Let’s not. I think you’re amazing, Lyra Thomas.’
She shook her head. ‘I’m not, I just did what I had to do.’
‘You raised five children on your own when you were still a child yourself. That’s pretty bloody incredible in my eyes.’
She smiled sadly. It wasn’t true but it was nice of him to see it that way.
‘You don’t see it; you don’t see what a wonderful thing you did.’
‘What was the alternative? Let my siblings go hungry, let their lives fall apart just because my parents couldn’t care less? Thankfully it was only a few weeks before I picked up the slack or I’m damned sure social services would have been called. They might even have been taken into care, and there was no way I was going to allow that.’
‘I think a lot of sixteen-year-olds would have taken that road rather than take on that responsibility. But I’m quickly realising how utterly unique and spectacular you are.’
He cupped her face and kissed her and she melted against him. She’d told him something hugely personal, something she’d never told anyone before, and he was here, kissing her like he truly believed she was spectacular. No one had ever called her that before.
Lyra had always wondered if she was perhaps unloveable. Her dad walked out on them, her mum abandoned them. Even her brothers and sisters had left home as soon as they possibly could, leaving her in the family home alone, until her dad had finally sold it. The fleeting relationships with the men she had dated briefly had all ended after a few dates. The three semi-serious relationships she’d had all ended because her boyfriends had cheated on her. She wondered if the issue was her. But the way Nix was kissing her now – like he adored her – it felt like maybe she was loveable after all.
She stroked round the back of his head, touching his hair around his neck.
He slid his hands down her spine and then pulled her tight against him, holding her in a big hug as he kissed her.
The kiss very quickly turned from something sweet and loving to something needful and urgent.
He moved his mouth to her throat.
‘Christ Lyra, what are you doing to me?’ he whispered, trailing his hot mouth over her collarbone.
He swept his hand down her ribs and over her thighs and then slid it between her legs. Her body instantly awakened at his caress, still sensitive from the last time he’d touched her there. She arched against him, stretching out her body as she lay in front of him, and he used that opportunity to hook her leg over his. His touch was gentle but confident, he knew exactly where she needed him to be. It took mere seconds before she was moaning against his lips.
He pulled away, reaching over her to grab another condom. She could barely catch her breath but a few seconds later he was inside her. She moaned at the sensation and he kissed her as he held her close. He felt so good, this felt good. Their bodies entwined, the touch of his bare chest against hers, his heart beating hard against her. His hands were everywhere, relishing in the feel of her, his mouth against hers, it was complete sensory overload.
How was it possible that this man fitted her so perfectly? How did he know exactly where she liked to be touched without being told? She’d never had this kind of connection so early on in a relationship before. In fact, she’d never had this kind of connection at all, despite having been with her previous boyfriends for months.
Nix rolled her so she was on top of him, sitting astride him as he held her hips. He stared up at her in awe like she was some kind of goddess. She rolled her hips and he let out a groan of pure animalistic need. It made her feel powerful.
He sat up and cupped her face, kissing her with a desperate need. He moved his hands back down to her hips, holding her tight as he moved inside her harder and faster.
She felt the change in her body at the same time she felt his breath hitch against her lips, that need for him ripping through her so hard she could barely catch her breath. He moaned against her lips, trembling in her arms.
He pulled back slightly to look at her, his chest heaving as he stroked the hair from her face, and she knew she wanted more than just one night with this wonderful man. In fact she wanted forever.
Chapter Five
Lyra woke as sunlight poured in through the windows and skylight, dusting Nix with a golden shimmer. He was beautiful. She wanted to reach out and stroke him all over but she’d let him sleep.
She couldn’t keep the smile from her face. The night before had been incredible and she knew that Nix felt the same way; she’d seen it in his eyes.
She couldn’t wait to see what would happen next for them. Meeting Nix and falling into bed with him had not been part of any long-term plan, but suddenly none of that mattered. She had held herself back for so long and with Nix it felt like she was finally stepping into the light. She wanted to get to know him, every little thing that made him tick.
She climbed out of bed and stretched. Nix stirred, mumbled something in his sleep and rolled over to face away from her.
Dexter looked up sleepily at her movements and then stood and stretched, wandering over to his empty food bowl.
Lyra looked around the little kitchen area and saw a can of dog food. She had no idea how much a dog of Dexter’s size would eat but she opened the can, poured some into a bowl and put it down for him. Dexter snaffled it all up.
She looked out the van window and saw the sunlight sparkling off the lake below. It looked inviting. Feeling like she needed to freshen up, she pulled on Nix’s t-shirt and shorts. Nix was still sleeping, so she grabbed a piece of paper and wrote him a quick note.
Gone for a swim, come and join me. Love Lyra.
She signed it with two kisses which was how she ended most notes or texts to people.
She stared at the note. Signing it from Lyra was a bit stupid – who else would be leaving him a note? Was putting Love and the kisses too much? But they had certainly been a lot more intimate the night before than two simple kisses on a note would indicate. And Love Lyra didn’t mean she was in love with him. That was a fairly common way to end a note. Urgh, why was she second-guessing everything?
She propped the note up against a mug so he would see it. She opened the door and breathed in the fresh sea air for a moment. A strong warm breeze swept in around her, lifting her hair around her face. There was still no movement from Nix so she stepped outside, closing the door behind her so Dexter wouldn’t get out.
She stood looking over the fields and meadows, the stream glittering as it made its way out to the sea. It was a beautiful day.
She turned towards the lake and glanced at Daisy, who was lying exactly where Lyra had left her the night before. There was mud and grass all caught up in the wheels and on the side of the frame, probably from Lyra’s little tumble onto the grassy verge the night before. She decided to take Daisy down to the lake and clean her off too.
The birds were singing, little rabbits hopping around in the undergrowth and iridescent dragonflies darting through the trees and across the surface of the lake as Lyra wheeled her bicycle down towards the water.
Lyra spent a few minutes cleaning the leaves and mud off Daisy’s frame and wheels, then stripped off and walked into the lake. The water was freezing and she laughed at the exhilarating buzz of it. She started swimming across the lake. It felt so completely liberating and freeing. Nix had awakened a side of her she’d kept buried for so long and she felt like she was stepping out from the fortress she had built around her to protect herself.
It was completely secluded here; no one could see her from the road or any other part of the island. In fact, she couldn’t even see Judy at all.
She rolled on her back and floated on the surface of the water, staring at the sun-drenched turquoise sky as wisps of clouds floated gently by.
It was crazy to feel this way, this complete sensation of happiness. It really was serendipitous to meet Nix�
�� it was almost as if they were supposed to be together.
She lay there for a while as the cool water licked her skin, hoping he would come and join her, but as she started to feel the cold, she swam to the shore and climbed out. She sat on the grassy banks for a few moments as she dried off in the early morning sun, then pulled on her clothes and wheeled Daisy back up the hill. She felt sure Nix would be awake by now, maybe even cooking her breakfast. She was ravenous.
She was waiting for Judy to appear over the brow of the hill as she walked up the slope but frowned as she neared the top because that didn’t happen. Lyra dropped Daisy and quickened her pace, her heart plunging into her stomach as she got closer to the road. She looked around frantically in case she’d walked up the wrong part of the hill but the van, Nix, Dexter and any sign that they’d ever been there had completely vanished.
Nix was gone and he’d taken her heart with him.
Chapter Six
‘I’m such an idiot,’ Lyra said, miserably, as her sister Michelle dished up more of her homemade Danish pastries onto Lyra’s plate. These were apple and custard and tasted like heaven. She’d have liked to be able to say that after Nix left she was completely off her food but in reality she was drowning her sorrows in Michelle’s delicious baked goodies.
‘You’re not an idiot,’ Michelle said, loyally. ‘You’re an optimist. You always see the good in people. I just wish you wouldn’t give your heart away so easily. A man flashes you a smile and you see marriage and babies, and then you always inevitably get hurt.’
That wasn’t exactly true. Lyra had envisaged the happy ever after with her last three serious relationships but that was after months of being together. She hadn’t seen a happy ending with the men she’d dated briefly, there hadn’t been time for that. Although the hurt and disappointment part was definitely right. She had been let down quite badly by all of them.
Zach, Michelle’s little son, ran past, stark naked with a nappy on his head, giggling loudly as Michelle’s husband Ben chased after him, but Zach was fast, darting right underneath the table before heading out through the open doors and into the garden. Ben scrambled round the table to try to catch his son.
Michelle’s home was a mess. There were pots of paint, planks of wood and rolls of wallpaper stacked up in the corner of the kitchen ready for the mass redecoration and renovation that was underway. The rest of the floor, cupboards and walls were taken up with toys, baby paraphernalia and baby clothes in various stages of cleanliness, ranging from needing washing to freshly washed. There were still many boxes from when they’d moved house a few months before that hadn’t yet been unpacked. The house was complete chaos, which kind of made Lyra, who liked things orderly and tidy, twitch a little. But despite all this, she was still envious of Michelle’s life. She had a wonderful husband. Ben Olney was clumsy and loud and unbelievably messy, but Michelle and Zach were his entire world. He loved Lyra’s sister with everything he had. Michelle had met Ben when they were only sixteen and they’d been completely head over heels in love with each other ever since. The Olneys, as Ben and Michelle called themselves, were a perfect little team. Despite the chaos on the surface, Michelle’s life was completely full and happy. Lyra wanted that more than anything. A soul mate to traverse life’s adventures with.
Michelle was a year younger than Lyra and the fact her little sister had her life so completely sorted while Lyra was still lost at sea hurt a little. In fact, all five of her younger siblings had their lives sorted. Kitty was married to a wonderful woman and they lived in a big house in the heart of the Devon countryside. Max had got married to his long-term girlfriend a few months before and was living happily in a beach house in Australia. Frankie had a fabulous boyfriend and was very successful in her job as a lawyer in London. Even the youngest, Ethan, had just got engaged to his girlfriend, just after his twenty-third birthday. Lyra had celebrated her thirtieth birthday and she was no closer to finding her happy ever after.
She was happy that after their parents’ divorce, and the tumultuous years that had followed, her brothers and sisters had all turned out as normal, well-adjusted, happy people. It was just a shame the same couldn’t be said for her.
Out of all of her siblings, she was closest to Michelle, despite their differences. Michelle had been a child who embraced the noise, chaos and mess, while Lyra had turned out completely the opposite. Lyra loved a good list and there was always a plan for everything.
Well, if truth be told, it wasn’t that she loved those things, but they had helped her to forge a life a million miles away from the one her mum led. Her mum had dropped the ball spectacularly when their dad had left, and never picked it back up. Lyra never wanted to turn out like her. That need for adventure, for fun and a life filled with travels around the world was always there, like an itch she couldn’t scratch, but she couldn’t give in to it. Max had nearly died because of Lyra’s careless attitude and she’d never forgiven herself for that.
But maybe if she stopped planning ahead for once, jumping forward to the final page before she’d finished the first chapter, she wouldn’t keep getting so disappointed when her story didn’t turn out how she envisaged it.
Michelle was right: Lyra fell in love very easily and every time she ended up with her heart broken.
‘Nix was different,’ Lyra said, wondering why she was still standing loyal to him when he’d left without saying goodbye. But they’d shared this incredible connection, and it was hard to just dismiss that. Or had she totally imagined all that, seeing something that wasn’t there just because she’d wanted it to be? Anger pushed past the disappointment and sadness. If it really had been just a one-night stand to him, the very least he could have done was be honest with her and have the guts to explain in the morning, rather than leaving her wondering where she’d gone wrong. Or had he seen the way she’d looked at him, seen the kisses on the note and thought he’d hotfoot it out of there before she dragged him down the aisle?
She felt her cheeks burn red. Had she been that desperate and needy, was that why he’d run?
‘He seemed so lovely,’ Lyra said. ‘He said he doesn’t sleep around and hadn’t had sex in a while… Maybe he’d been hurt in the past and then woke up this morning and got worried about getting involved in a relationship again.’
Michelle stared at her. ‘Or he was a complete turd and he trotted out that vulnerable line to hook you in.’
Lyra sighed and took a bite of another Danish.
‘I could talk to him so easily. I even told him about Max, and I never tell anyone about that.’
‘Why did you?’
‘I don’t know. He’s so insightful and he picked up on a few things I’d said and he asked me about it and then it all came tumbling out. God, maybe that’s why he ran. He realised I have a ton of baggage and he didn’t want to deal with it.’
‘I doubt that’s the reason. What was his reaction when you told him?’
‘Umm, he said I was spectacular.’
‘Well, you are.’
‘And then he made love to me again.’
‘Wow, he really ticked all the boxes for you, didn’t he?’ Michelle said.
‘He did. We had something special. Well, at least I thought we did.’
Her sister sighed. ‘Men are the worst.’
Lyra eyed Ben as he chased a giggling Zach around the garden. ‘Not all of them.’
‘No, I definitely picked one of the best.’
‘I honestly thought that about Nix too.’
‘I can’t believe you slept with him.’
‘Wow, slut-shamed by my own sister.’
‘No slut-shaming here. If women want to go out and sleep with a different man every night, good for them, it’s no one’s business but their own. It’s just not you. You’ve only slept with three men and all of those were when you were in a serious relationship. I’ve just never known you to jump into bed with a man you only met a few hours before. There’s nothing wrong with it, but that’s n
ot your style.’
‘I know, I don’t know what came over me. He made me feel things I’ve never felt before. When he started kissing me, it just felt so right.’
‘Please tell me you used protection.’
‘Yes, he took care of that. He had a whole stash of condoms, actually.’
Michelle narrowed her eyes. ‘That doesn’t sound like a man who hasn’t had sex in a while. That sounds like someone who has sex every week.’
Lyra reached for one of her sister’s brownies. She’d thought about that too. Not at the time, because she’d been too caught up in the moment. But why would a man who said he didn’t sleep around have a cupboard filled with condoms? Had Nix really just been feeding her what she wanted to hear to get her into bed?
‘Maybe Dad has the right idea: give up on the opposite sex completely. Maybe I’m better off on my own,’ Lyra said as she watched Ben throw Zach up in the air, catch him and then blow raspberries on his belly. She swallowed down the lump in her throat.
‘Don’t give up on men. Just because you’ve been burned a few times doesn’t mean they are all pigs. There are some wonderful men out there. Just… tread carefully. Get to know them before you give away your heart.’
Lyra nodded sadly. She was clearly a terrible judge of character. Maybe she should get her sister to choose her men from now on.
Just then Michelle’s tablet sprang to life with a video call from Frankie in the little group chat she had with her siblings. There were calls to the group at least once a week, mostly at weekends. Sometimes there were only two or three of her siblings in the chat, depending what they were doing (or in Max’s case, depending on the time zone), but sometimes they were all there. Lyra loved talking to her siblings but right now, feeling sorry for herself, she didn’t know if she could face them.
‘I’m not here,’ she said.
Michelle shook her head. ‘Except they know you are. I might have messaged them and told them you’d had your heart broken again.’