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I woke with a start. How long had it been since I'd had one of those dreams? I looked around and wondered where I was. This wasn't my apartment, it was the same room as the one from my dream. Was I awake, or still in the dream?
I got up and noticed I was still dressed other than my shoes and everything started making sense. Irene asked me for a ride since her friends had supposedly left her even though it was her car and she needed to give them the keys or they would have been stranded.
When I got her home she invited me in, insisting that if I didn't walk her to the door she might be in danger. I'd offered to wait until she was inside before leaving and she acted like that just wasn't going to be good enough.
She dragged me through the door closing it behind us and then offered to fix me something to eat or drink. When I said I really should go she acted like the world might end at any moment, even offering to share her bed if I was so inclined.
I awoke on the couch because I insisted that if she really needed me to stay it was were I would feel most comfortable sleeping. She relented saying she just wanted me to meet her daughters and then if I wanted to go she wouldn't try stopping me.
Her daughters... Those two little girls in the dream were my daughters, mine and my husbands. I knew that was true, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out how. I was genetically male so how could those girls be mine? I knew both girls had already been born as well, yet both of those girls were undoubtedly mine.
I stumbled into the kitchen and quickly found the coffee pot and started a pot of coffee. Some breakfast sounded good so I headed to the refrigerator to see what there was I could fix for breakfast.
“We always just have cereal,” a little voice said.
“I don't eat cereal, maybe I can make something you'll like better. Kathy do you know if Irene has anything in here that isn't going bad?” I asked.
“I don't know, we just have cereal in the mornings,” she said.
She didn't seem surprised that I knew her name.
“I see. Do you know where she might keep flour?” I asked.
“I don't even know what flour is unless you mean the ones outside,” Kathy said.
I smiled a big smile. Kathy couldn't have been more that a year younger than Kelli, which would have put her around three years old maybe a little more.
I found a cupboard that had some flour in it and wondered if it was any good or ridden with weevils.
I opened the canister and just stood there shaking my head. This woman didn't have any idea how to cook, yet had two beautiful little girls to take care of.
“Kathy I need to go to the store, will you and your sister be alright until I get back?” I asked.
“Mom is home so if we need something we can wake her,” Kathy said.
I made a short list of things I thought would be needed and hoped to gain some ideas of things while at the store. I hated shopping this way, but since I didn't want to take enough time to go through all the cupboards and see what was really needed, partly out of fear I would end up throwing most of what there was away, and starting over, I didn't see much other choice.
At the store I grabbed a small cart since I didn't like the baskets and didn't plan on getting enough to require one of the bigger carts. I went down the baking aisle and picked up a small bag of flour along with a few other things I was sure were needed, making note of each item as I passed, for future reference.
Since I had no intention of stocking Irene's house I didn't spend a lot of time and stuck with what I'd needed to fix a good breakfast and possibly lunch and dinner as well.
The cost at the checkout surprised me a little since I hadn't bothered to check prices, but figured for this it really didn't matter, all I was doing was getting enough for a couple decent meals and if somehow this turned into something more, and I ended up living with and taking care of those little girls, as my dreams indicated, I had all the cooking stuff to get started at my apartment.
When I got back to Irene's Kathy and Nicole were both up and playing quietly in the living room, with no sign that Irene had gotten up yet.
I took the groceries in the kitchen and started making breakfast.
“You aren't making us cereal this morning are you?” Kathy asked.
“I was thinking about making you some pancakes, if that's alright?” I asked.
“Really? Momma never makes us pancakes, she says they're to messy,” Kathy said.
“Well I don't mind a little mess if it means eating healthy and cereal isn't healthy, at least not the cereal I saw in the cupboard,” I said.
“Are you going to be our new daddy?” Nicole asked.
I stopped what I was doing and without think said I had a different job in mind.
“I don't think I would make a very good daddy. In my dreams I've never been a daddy.”
“What are you in your dreams?” Kathy asked.
What had I said? Did I dare tell this child who I was in my dreams? Would she believe me if I did tell her?
“Just someone who cares about you, your sister and your daddy,” I said.
I didn't even know who this child's father was, so how come I would have included him in what I said.
I finished making the pancakes and set them on the table as Irene came out of her bedroom.
“There's coffee on, I also made some pancakes, I'm sure there are enough if not it wouldn't be any trouble to make more,” I said.
“Thanks I'll just have coffee. You didn't need to make pancakes, the kids would have been fine with cereal,” she said.
“The kids might have been fine with cereal, but I don't eat the kind of cereal you have and I don't mind making pancakes. I did need to go to the store to get the ingredients though. The flour you had was full of weevils, so I threw it out,” I said.
“You sound a lot like my ex about food. I guess I should warn you, I don't cook. If it doesn't come in a box I can stick in the microwave, or just add milk I don't make it,” Irene said.
“Do you know how to cook?” I asked.
“Not really. My ex tried to teach me, but he would always get so frustrated with me he would give up and just do the cooking when he was home. The only reason there might be cooking stuff in the house is because he bought it and used it,” she said.
You don't even care to learn to cook do you?” I asked.
“Why should I? With all the food that comes pre-made so all you have to do is nuke it I don't see any reason,” she said.
I wasn't going to argue the matter with her. If she wanted to eat the ready serve food that was her choice, but to feed it to my daughters was another matter. I looked at Kathy and Nicole and realized the thought that had just crossed my mind. These little girls weren't mine, at least not yet, but I could no more stop thinking of them as my daughters, then I could stop breathing.
“Irene I understand if you want to waste your own health on that kind of food, but don't these two little girls deserve better?” I asked.
“Look Sam my daughters are my problem. Their father would rather risk his life fighting a war he's told me more then once he doesn't believe in, and while I'm sure you're capable of cooking some wonderful meals, maybe even as good as he could, you aren't their father. I mean what difference is it to you what I feed my girls?” she asked.
“What if I were willing to cook for them? I'm not asking you to pay for me to cook for them, I'll buy all the food and do all the work,” I said.
“And I'd be stuck eating the already prepared stuff?” she asked.
“If you allow me to do the shopping, no. I refuse to waste money on that stuff, when I was in the military I didn't have a lot of choice about eating already prepared food in the field. But since I got back home I refuse to eat that crap, and it's easier to fix a large meal than a small meal,” I said.
“Do you do this for everyone you meet?” she asked.
“As far as I know everyone I know already refuses to buy the easy serve foods made
by corporations that care only about their profit margins. While those ready serve meals are easier they lack the nutrition of real food and cost a lot more than learning to fix real food. If they were as healthy as they claim the cost could be justified by the time savings, but with the increase in health risk and the higher cost they become an extremely expensive time saver,” I said.
“I don't have near as much waste since they're already in individual serving size,” she said.
This argument was going nowhere. It didn't matter how I tried to make her understand she wasn't going to learn to cook.
“Would it be alright if I fix these girls their meals? As I said I am willing to pay for everything and you'll be free to eat what I fix or find something else,” I said.
“And you'll do all your own shopping?” she asked.
“I'll do all my own shopping,” I said.
“Are you going to expect me to let you stay here?” she asked.
“It would be easier if I stayed here, but I'm willing to pay rent. If you have an extra room,” I said.
I already knew there was another bedroom available, though it would take a little work to get it cleaned up so there would be room for my bed in it.
She offered me the room saying she would need as much as I was paying for my apartment per-month. Also, she said I would have to accept that once in a while she'd have friends over and if I didn't want to party I'd need to stay in my room.
I noticed both girls get big eyes at the thought of me staying there. They were my daughters and I needed to get to know them since to be their mother would mean helping them learn everything they would need to become the best they could be.
This move seemed to be happening so fast, and I felt so confused about everything. This wasn't the kind of tactics I knew, so every step was into new ground.
I started moving in the following weekend, while I was cleaning out my closet I spotted and the clothes I had hanging there, and packed them in a box labeled storage. I took the box over to Kathy's hoping she would be willing to store it with the other things I had at her house.
“Sam I take this to mean, you won't be my sister again for a while,” Kathy asked.
“For now I need to be who the world understands. You know there is nothing I want more than to take all those clothes out of storage and be the person I am when I'm wearing them,” I said.
“I don't understand why you're doing this now, why with this woman?” Kathy asked.
“I told you about my dreams that seem so real. The little girls from those dreams are hers. She is the one who gave birth to my daughters from my dreams,” I said.
“Are you sure they're the ones? From what you've told me you couldn't remember what they even looked like, or they were older than those two girls,” Kathy said.
“The dreams always show me as their mother Kathy. If I'm not a woman how can I be a mother. I know when I'm dressed as a woman I'm fully female, but I have to wait until I meet their father before I can be me,” I said.
“And she won't even tell you his name?” she asked.
“I haven't asked. All I know is those are the girls. When I'm with them I feel the same as I do in my dreams, I can't let them suffer the life they'll have if I don't step in and help,” I said.
The Hidden Rose Page 78