Chapter 31
I packed the boxes I wanted to take back to the house in the car after the man left that showed up looking for Kathy.
Kathy assured me she knew who the man was and what it was he was after. She said she would be able to handle it at least for the time being, but had no doubt those responsible would try again some time in the future.
Sarah promised she wasn't going to put up with much more of the shit Gordon was pulling. All it would take is him attempting to get her, or the kids to take care of his friends and he would be history and if he wasn't willing to leave on his own she would give me a call to help her.
I spent the remainder of the weekend as myself, not the me I had to show the rest of the world, but the me I wanted to be more than anything, but knew this wasn't the time.
“You had some people stop by Sam,” Debra said when I pulled in the driveway.
“You don't know who they were do you Debra?” I asked.
“They looked like bikers, that's all I know. They said something about Chris wanted to talk to you if you felt up to it,” she said.
“Yea I'll bet that son-of-a-bitch wants to talk to me. I'm still mad at him and he'll just have to wait until I'm not mad anymore,” I said.
I got the girls in the house and Debra insisted on holding the door while I carried the boxes in.
“That's a beautiful dress. Did your sister Kathrine Nielson make it for you?” she asked.
“You mean Kathy Nielson? How did you know she was my sister?” I asked.
“Somebody came around asking questions. They mentioned you and said something about looking for your sister Katherine Nielson, the owner of a dress company,” she said.
“She specializes in wedding dresses. I don't think she made this dress, but since I don't remember buying it she might have. This dress is my favorite, it reminds me of a lot of good men I served with in the war,” I said.
“You mentioned something about you were the commander of White Rose, or something like that,” she said.
“I was commander of a special forces reconnaissance unit call White Rose. We were called on whenever the Army or Marines decided to do something stupid and ended up stuck behind enemy lines,” I said.
“You were in the news a couple years ago weren't you?” she asked.
“Debra I have no real idea what the news said about my unit. I know they reported a few times, but none of my men talked to any reporters so anything they said was gathered from sources outside the unit and therefore I seriously doubt the accuracy of any of the reports. If you want to know about my old unit either me, or one of my men would be the person to talk to. I can't say about my men, but if they are anything like me they hate even thinking about the things we had to do, much less talking about them,” I said.
“So you're just hoping to forget about that time?” she asked.
“I'm trying to move past that time. I doubt forgetting is something any of us will ever do,” I said.
“So if that guy was dangerous, you wouldn't have any trouble handling him?” she asked.
“Kathy thinks she can handle the situation, and for now doesn't want me to get involved. She seemed to think for now at least she can handle it more easily than I can,” I said.
“I guess that means he's dangerous?” she asked.
“Him? If the man that showed up there just before I left is the same man that was here, he's not very dangerous, but the people who sent him are extremely dangerous,” I said.
We talked a little longer and her kids started yelling for her. I needed to get something started for dinner and wasn't paying a lot of attention as I walked through the house. I got out what I planned and started fixing it before realizing it was awfully quiet.
The only time I could remember those two ever being this quiet was when they were up to something and for the life of me I couldn't think of anything they hadn't tried yet to scare me with no success.
I started looking through the house for them, looking everywhere they would normally be and getting more and more frustrated each time I came up empty. I knew they had been in the car and were here somewhere, but it seemed I was going to have to turn the house inside out if I ever hoped to find them.
I looked in Irene's room thinking maybe they went in there hoping to at least have her smell as a comfort, that man that had shown up just before we left Kathy's seemed to really shake my little Kathy, I had never seen her so angry and it bothered me because I was afraid she might bite him.
Irene's room was empty, and a mess but it was her room and I was more or less just a tenant who did most of the house work and all the tending of the kids. The kitchen and my room were my domain, though I did help the girls with keeping their room and offered whatever comfort seemed needed by either of them.
I didn't think they would go in my room, every time in the past they would stand outside my room and knock politely and even talk through the door if they needed something and knew I was in my room. The door was shut just as it aways was so I walked past it several times not even thinking to check. My room was my private space, the one place in the house that was just mine.
After not finding them anywhere I stopped in front of my room and slowly opened the door to reveal two little girls curled up on my bed with their favorite stuffed animals sound asleep. I walked in the room and pulled the spar blanket I had on the foot of my bed over them bending over and giving each of them a kiss on the check.
The door bell rang so I slid out of the bedroom pulling the door closed and headed for the front door.
I noticed Chris standing on the step before I opened the door and decided I still wasn't ready to talk to him, but didn't want to be rude.
“May I help you sir?” I asked after opening the door.
“Sam I was hoping we could talk,” he said.
“You must have me confused with someone else,” I said.
“What kind of game are you playing at Sam?” he asked.
“Sam is my brother, my name is Geraldine,” I said.
“Really? I know he lives here, I just need to talk to him, or her, I don't care whether he's the man everyone knew as Samuel or the woman a few of us knew as Samantha,” he said.
“Maybe I could give him a message and he can get in touch with you. I'm sorry I didn't catch your name,” I said.
“I'll try again later, if you do see him can you tell him Chris just stopped by to apologize, I never meant to hurt him, it's just I hadn't known who he was until he told me about one of his men, and I needed to check on some things. I wanted to talk to him about what happened that caused the blackout he suffered taking him off the front lines. I guess mostly I just wanted to apologize if something I did hurt him,” he said.
“So you think you can come over here and give some lame apology and it will make everything alright. Fuck you Chris. You're one of the few people I thought I could trust since getting back home and then as soon as you find out who I am you take off like you did with some lame excuse? Fuck you I don't have time for someone so cheap and uncaring,” I said.
I slammed the door and went in to cheek on dinner. I had no idea how much longer the girls would sleep, but if they slept another hour I needed to wake them so they'd sleep tonight.
I heard Chris' motorcycle start and ran back to the front door opening it just in time to watch him ride off. The tears started and I knew nothing I did would stop them until they stopped on their own. I was hurt inside by the one person I had been sure I could trust. Had he just told me the truth about why he left, maybe I would have been more understanding.
I went back inside and sat down trying to regain control over the tears.
“Love hurts sometimes. Forgive him for not understanding,” the voice I knew but didn't know said.
I looked around to try finding who said that. The door to my room was still closed so I knew it wasn't one of the girls, and I didn't see anyone else around, but the voice was one I'd heard many times. I had never been able to put a
face with the voice, but knew that this voice was a voice of reason. Never had it ever told me anything that wasn't true.
“Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I just let the world know who I really am and get on with life?” I asked.
This was the first time I had ever said these words out loud, not the first time I had ever thought them, but definitely the first time I said them so someone else could have heard them, if there were anyone around to hear them.
“Soon all that I am you will have available to you. You must first learn patience. You must learn to trust your heart. You must risk all to gain all, and you are not ready to let go,” the voice said.
I looked around again and it finally dawned on me where the voice was coming from. All this time I thought others would hear it as I did, but only I had ears to hear this voice, a voice that talked in riddles only I could understand and know, and until I understood the riddle I would not be allowed to be myself.
Patience was something I thought I had learned already, but there must have been somewhere in my life I didn't show patience. I would need to work on discovering where.
I thought I trusted my heart, but if I trusted my heart why was I angry with Chris without allowing him the chance to explain? That I would definitely need to work on. I knew he was the one, whatever that meant. Could I... patience! Of course to allow him to explain would require patience I hadn't shown.
The risk all to gain all I had no clue about. What hadn't I risked.
I went back in my bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed knowing I needed to wake the girls soon. This weekend was my chance to be their mom and I intended to take advantage of the chance.
“Mommy?” Nicole said.
“It's okay Nicole, I'm right here,” I said.
I stroked her hair and she settled back down into a deeper sleep.
I needed to go check on dinner, but I didn't want to wake either of these little girls if they wanted to sleep. I lifted myself from the bed as gently as I could to prevent disturbing my little angels stroking each of their hair letting them know I was here just for them and I wouldn't let anything happen to them.
I pulled the door closed again and headed for the kitchen to check on dinner. The phone rang just as I opened the oven so I quickly closed it again and grabbed the phone before it had time to ring again.
“I was wondering if you would call,” I said.
“Sam do you even know who this is?” he said.
“I think so, but why don't you tell me,” I said,
“I'm sorry about last night. I heard you've had trouble recalling parts of your last two missions, I needed to go check because you aren't alone in not remembering. I swore if I ever ran into you I would try to tell you what happened during the times you can't remember. I ran off like I did to try to find the files so I wouldn't be trying to remember and get something wrong,” he said.
“There are no files Chris. Something altered my memories not just deleted them. I know both mission were over before I blacked out, but I have no memory of how,” I said.
“That's the thing Sam I know I was there, but I don't remember either,” he said.
“Why would you have been there?” I asked.
“I don't know, I just know I was there,” he said.
“Just who are you Chris?” I asked.
“Major Christopher Jacobs, Rose company commander, why?” he asked.
“You were Irene's husband? Kathy and Nicole are your daughters? Chris dinner will be ready in about a half hour. I know there's more than enough if you want to come over for dinner, I just ask you don't bring your men with. I may have fixed more than enough for the girls and I, but not enough to feed an entire company of special forces, even a company as small as Rose company,” I said.
“A half hour? I think I can manage that and I wouldn't even think of bringing my men over. Most of them have wives they need to get home to anyway,” he said.
I set the table for the kids Chris and I making sure to fix a salad while the dinner I had in the oven finished cooking. I'd heard stories about how Chris like me had gone from eating his meat cooked well to eating it closer to raw now. From the first the closer to raw the meat I cooked for the girls the better they ate, now the meat took less time to cook than anything else, as long as it was warm all the way through we all considered it done.
I went in to see if the girls were about ready to get up and saw them playing with the only stuffed animal I had from when I was about their ages.
“It looks like you're both ready to get up,” I said.
They stopped playing as soon as I said the first word and smiled at me hoping they weren't in trouble for being in my room and playing with my stuffed animal.
“I need both of you to go wash up for dinner. Someone very special is coming over and I want both of you on your best behavior,” I said.
Floppy my stuffed rabbit went flying as they took off for the bathroom to get cleaned up. Floppy had seen so many things over the years. He had been with me through boot camp and OCS. He had been there while I went through special forces training and even accompanied me to the front lines.
He gave me a hug before I departed on every mission, and another when I returned. Always having a warm smile for me to let me know he was glad I was safe.
I heard the motorcycle long before it pulled in the driveway, yet still sat there looking at Floppy laying where he landed when Kathy tossed him on her way to get cleaned up for dinner.
The door bell rang and I still just sat there not moving lost in a world only I could know.
I heard the footsteps as Chris came down the hall with one little girl in each arm and still didn't move. Floppy still had my undivided attention yet it was the Floppy from another time, not the one laying on my bed in a heap from having been tossed by a small girl in a hurry to do what her mother asked.
I felt Chris sit down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders, and still was lost in another time.
Nicole climbed in my lap and Kathy took my hand sitting on the other side of me from Chris, I knew they were all looking at me wanting to help me, but not having any clue where I was or why.
“Mommy I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt him,” Kathy said.
I looked at Kathy finally and realized I had been sitting on the edge of my bed since Chris called.
“You girls need to get cleaned up for dinner, we're having someone super special coming over to join us,” I said.
“Sam they already did get cleaned up. I took dinner out and fed them already,” Chris said.
“Chris? I... they were playing with Floppy and...” I burst into tears.
I turned into his shoulder and started crying. All I wanted was what I had at this very moment and I knew it still wasn't time, something still wasn't how it should be for me to be open to the world about who I am.
Chris held me while I cried telling the girls he needed some time alone with me so we could talk. After what must have been an hour of me crying yet felt like only minutes he placed a finger under my chin and tilted my head back so he could look in my eyes.
“I'm so sorry Sam, I never wanted to hurt you,” he said.
“I don't think I can do this anymore Chris. I don't think I can do what it's asking me to do. I don't want to be alone anymore. I just want my family,” I said.
“What can I do to help?” he asked.
“Do you love me? Can you give up everything you've become for me?” I asked.
“I'm not sure I understand Sam,” he said.
“I know why I blacked out after those missions Chris. What I'm asking is, could you give up being a vampire if I asked, if it were the only way for us to ever be together,” I said.
“Could we be together if I weren't a vampire? Sam I would give up anything if it means we could finally be together. I never asked to become a vampire, I was turned into one to save my life,” he said.
“No Chris, you were turned into a vampire to save my life. The stories all me
ntion me not you. It is me everyone thinks is so important because of stories that are as old as time,” I said.
“How does me becoming a vampire save your life Sam?” he asked.
“I don't know Chris, but if my dreams are right you need to be a vampire to save my life. I hate magic and the kind I have especially. Chris my magic talks to me and keeps telling me it won't be long. That I have to be willing to lose everything to gain everything. If you can tell me what that means...” I started.
“Magic doesn't talk Sam. It obeys the will of the person who has access to it,” he said.
“Until me. Chris my sister is the coven leader of the White Rose coven. From what she's told me she is the strongest witch in the coven and compared to me she might as well not have magic,” I said.
“I'm not sure I understand. Witches and vampires don't associate with each other. I guess in a way we are terrified of each other. Vampires tend to hide their magic because even the weakest witch in a fight could completely incapacitate the strongest vampire. If we can lure them into our magic before they're able to cast they lose their magic either through death or becoming a vampire,” he said.
“No they don't, it just becomes foreign to them. I can sense the different kinds of magic, and have yet to find anyone who could hide their magic from me,” I said.
“Sam that's not possible. I can sense another vampire and witch, but the other creatures that have magic I can't sense at all,” he said.
“Maybe you can't but I can. You don't believe me take me out somewhere and let me prove it to you. The magic calls to me, it wants me. I can tell you are holding your magic hidden right now. You're the strongest vampire I've ever come across, even stronger than Mac or Chuck who were both born vampires,” I said.
“Sam you don't have any magic, there isn't a witch alive I can't sense, and you have no magic,” he said.
“I have no magic Chris? I'm a natural born witch. My oldest sister is the most powerful witch to lead White Rose coven in a thousand years and her strength in the elemental magic is as nothing compared to mine. You think you have blood magic? How do you think it is no vampire can hide from me? I can command the blood magic the same as the elemental magic. I am White Rose! I am White Lotus! I am magic!” I stated.
Chris stepped back with a look of shock and fear both in his eyes as I drew in my magic and he felt the enormity of it all. I felt all the magic flowing through me and asked again if he loved me.
“How much do you love me Chris? Which is more important to you, your life, or your magic? Is it me you love or the magic I command?” I said.
“I never asked for the magic, a magic that has marked me for the remainder of my life. A magic that is so much a part of the lives of those I care most about. If the cost of sharing in your love is the magic that I have, take it I never asked for it in the first place. I only ever wanted the woman that completes me as a man,” he said.
“For all my life I was thought to be a man, but at no time was that true. I've been hidden away for a special time, a time which is still not here. You see father of blood the daughter of elements cannot be revealed until the time is ripe for her unveiling,” I said.
Kathy and Nicole both came running in, fear in their eyes that something had happened to their mother of choice.
I fell in a heap on the floor no idea what happened. Chris was bent over me helping me try to stand a worried look on his face.
“Chris I didn't know you were here,” I said.
“I just had a feeling I needed to be here for some reason. I didn't mean to upset you last night. I hope you can forgive how rude I was in just running off like I did,” he said.
“It's quite alright. I wish I knew what happened here that I ended up on the floor like that,” I said.
I wasn't sure I forgave him for running off like he did, but I wasn't going to kid myself about him seeing me as I did him. Both of my girls gave him a disgusted look, one I interpreted to mean they didn't trust him because he had hurt their mom. Strange I didn't recall ever having shown them the real me, but my dreams said they were my daughters so I associated their feelings for me to mean they thought of me as their mom.
One day perhaps I would be their mom, but for now being their friend was the best I would be able to manage.
About Jayne Amanda Maynes
I was born in April 1955 as the heir to my father. My older brother should have been, he had the same initials as dad, but he was mentally retarded and had a heart condition from birth. According to my mother she knew from the time I was growing inside her that I would be a boy and the heir they had hope my brother could have been.
I have known for as long as I can remember that I was different that there was something not right about me. I am a male to female (M2F) transsexual. I am currently on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy); I have been in therapy for GID (Gender Identity Disorder) since February 2007. I started on HRT October 1, 2007. I have not set a time yet for completing my transition to becoming the woman I know I am inside. There are so many things involved in transitioning that most people have no clue about. The differences between the sexes are so vast and all of my life I have led a life that just never fit who I am inside. I have learned so much and yet there is still so much that I still don’t know about being the woman I always knew I was.
Other books By Jayne Amanda Maynes
The Butterfly Within series:
The Butterfly Within: The Image in the Mirror
The Cracked Mirror: The Butterfly Within
Daughters of Power series:
Daughter of Life
A Psalm of Love
The Rose of Magic series:
The Hidden Rose
The White Rose
The Mystic Rose
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