by Gray, Ace
I can’t help but compare the sullen donkey to Mina, adorable in its sadness. I want to cradle it, love it all with everything I have.
“I can see why.”
Luna pours hot water into the mug then leans onto the kitchen counter across from me. “So, what’s going on?”
I stare into Eeyore and watch the faint green coming from my chosen tea swirl as it seeps into the hot water. That green is the one that pairs with the caramel brown of Mina’s eyes.
Normally I wouldn’t say what I’m about to say. I wouldn’t share anything personal, certainly not with someone I’ve spent a total of 24 hours with. But I’ve been reciting it in the car. For almost four hours. I don’t want to say what I’m about to say, but I’m going to.
“I love your daughter, Luna. I love her and I screwed it up.” I grab the tea bag and dunk it a few times.
“Oh, sweetheart.” She cups her hand over mine. “What happened?”
“You told me to be patient, and I thought I was, but somehow I messed it up.” I sigh. “I got in my own head rather than believe what was in front of me. What the logical part of me should have known was real.”
“She told me that it was all her fault, that she messed everything up, that she hurt you.”
I hang my head. “That’s not exactly how I see it.”
“Figured.” She grabs a stool and pulls it over. “Tell me how you see it.”
I search the tile grout for a minute, maybe two, and Luna lets me. I worried over this the whole way to Denver. Where to start, what to say. What didn’t make me sound like a monster.
“I’ve been scared of my feelings for her since we met.” I can’t look up and meet Luna’s eyes. “Scared of what it would be like to let someone in like that.”
She squeezes my hand.
“I don’t do vulnerable well, and loving Mina…”
“Makes you very vulnerable.”
“Before, I had Tanner as a reason to keep my distance, and I truly think that was the right thing to do, but this time around…” I take a sip of the tea and wince at the heat. “Before I knew it, there the distance was again. Without me even realizing. I spooked and it was because I couldn’t fathom a life where she chose to leave me. Not that she ever gave me any reason to believe she would choose that.”
“I know why she likes you,” Luna says softly.
“What? Why?” I look up and I feel my face scrunch.
“You both have the same painfully beautiful and tragic way of looking at the world.” She smiles. “I can tell by the way you use your words.”
“I’m more of an actions guy,” I say.
“True. And they have merit but sometimes life’s a little more complicated. We want people to tell us what they want or need so we can deliver. We want it to be straightforward. But what if they don’t know how to say it. Or even what it really is. That doesn’t mean we fail. It doesn’t mean they do either.”
“I read something like that in a book once.” It’s my turn to smile as I recall my recent foray into Norman Maclean.
“I think I know just the one.” Luna laughs low and warm, just like Mina does. “Now tell me what actually happened, without your pretty words.”
This time I do. I tell her what happened when she was diagnosed, how I tried so hard to be there, how I tried so hard to resist reading those letters but how one day I broke. I don’t apologize for it, I don’t make excuses, I just describe the slow spiral that happened after.
I feel blown open. It’s uncomfortable and there’s the ghost of pain in my chest. There’s a reason I don’t do this. Everything feels a little bit better sealed safely inside. There’s a reason that I love Mina, who unlocks it with a single look.
“By the time I realized that the letters were mine, that I had nothing to worry about in the first place, that I loved her and none of that should have mattered anyway it was too late.”
“I ought to ring his neck,” Luna turns from me and sets her mug in the sink. I raise my hand to my throat, sure she meant me. “I’ve never liked Tanner, not for one minute.”
“That makes two of us,” I mutter.
“I knew he’d been asking after Mina lately, that he was saying how he missed her, but to go that far.” She shakes her head. “I’m half tempted to call his mother. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”
“I’m sorry Mina did.”
“Good answer.” She shakes her finger at me. “Now how do we get you two back together?”
“You think you can even stomach that?” I try not to let hope edge into my voice.
“I’ve had cancer, I can stomach anything.” She waves me off. “Besides, I like you, I like the two of you together, and I want my daughter happy. Life is short.” She winks and the playfulness that I miss so much in my life peeks out as hereditary.
“I want that too. That’s why I’m here.”
“How can I help?” She cups both of my hands this time.
I wince but I don’t pull away from her. “I need to talk to Francis.”
This time, it’s Luna’s turn to wince.
“No. Hell, no!” Mina’s dad bellows. I cringe but I don’t back down. Luna just crosses her arms. “You heard what Michael said. He kissed another woman!”
“And Mina fell for him while she was engaged to someone else.” She crosses her arms.
“So two wrongs make a right?” he fumes.
“No, but I thought it was worth reminding you that neither of them have been perfect.” She cocks her head. “And they forgave each other for all that so it’s a non-issue in my book.”
“A non-issue?” Francis is turning deep red.
“Yes. As in not our business.” She sighs, exasperated. “Or it can be something bitter to hold onto because we feel self-righteous in our anger. Whichever you prefer.”
“You think I should just let this all go? Let my daughter marry a man like this?” He points at me and I can feel the proverbial dig of his finger in my chest.
“Yes,” she says succinctly. “I even think you should help him get her back.” She bats her eyelashes.
“You’re insane. That boy…” he fumes. “That boy…”
“Do go on, Francis.”
“She deserves to be treated like a queen.” His eyes dart from Luna to me and back again, pleading even in his anger for us to listen to him. A half an hour into this barrage, I’m tempted to believe each awful thing he’s said. Mina is the only thing keeping me from folding.
“With all due respect, sir,” I have to clear my throat, “Mina doesn’t want to be treated like a queen.”
“No wonder things aren’t working out between you two,” he scoffs.
“She wants to be treated as an equal first and foremost.” I offer a sad smile to her even though she can’t see it. “Sure, she’s as vital as the air I breathe, but she doesn’t want someone who’s dependent on her.” I blow out a deep breath as if she’ll materialize in front of me. “She doesn’t want to be up on a pedestal, she wants to be down in the thick of it, and after everything we’ve been through, I have to believe she wants to be in the thick of it with me.”
“What makes you think that?” He crosses his arms and widens his stance.
“For a while it was only hope. Then it was her letters, her words to me.” I absentmindedly reach for my wallet where the only letter I have a right to keep lives with me. “Then when I saw her, it was her look. The same look I know I have. Not that someone broke you but just that this big gaping piece is missing.”
His face softens a fraction.
“Then I came here and I know she didn’t say she hated me. I know she didn’t talk about how mean and awful I am.” I shoot a sideways smile at Luna. “And even if she had, I wouldn’t give up. Not this time.”
“Why didn’t you ask me for my permission the first time?” Francis has cooled but his voice still holds an edge.
“For the same reason I broke up with her.” I shove my hands in my pocket. “I’m an idiot.”
>
Finally—thank fucking finally—he cracks the smallest smirk.
“Honestly, I didn’t even think about it. And if I had, I would have worried that saying how I felt about her out loud would dull the shine or make me look weak. I’m a private person and I don’t like answering questions. I don’t even like explaining my actions and that’s my bullshit. But on this one, I shouldn’t have been afraid. I should have been proud, and I should have given Mina the credit to catch me if I fell.”
Francis humphs at me. “He talks like Mina,” he says begrudgingly to Luna.
“I know.” Her full smile spreads and there’s an answering hint of hope in my heart.
“Well, James.” He still says my name with a hint of disdain. “If you had to do it over, how would you ask me?”
“What?” I’m thrown off by his question.
“How would you ask me for permission to marry her?” He sits down in the recliner closest to him, intimidating and imposing even in a Lay-Z-Boy.
My breath catches in my chest. This is what I wanted—sort of, I mean he’s not really saying he’s going to give me an answer but still—I just wasn’t prepared to actually get here.
“Well, here’s the thing…” I’m about to tell him I didn’t make any lists, any notes on what I wanted to say. That I didn’t think in a million years he’d let me breathe in his presence, let alone say these words, but I choose to speak from the heart instead. “I wish we’d met years ago, before Tanner and before her broken hearts. I wish more than anything I hadn’t had a hand in them but that wish didn’t come true. So I’m faced with now, with what is.
“I’ve lived without Mina for too long and every day without her isn’t worth the ones that are. I truly believe that she feels that way too. This isn’t just about me. It’s about us. Our happiness. And I believe with my entire closed off heart that we need each other to open up and live.”
I swallow hard and look down at the detailing of the carpet beneath my feet.
“So please sir, please say yes. Please tell me I have permission to marry her. And not for me. For her. Because I think those words mean something to her. And maybe, just maybe, mine still do too.”
The room falls silent after my speech. I have to look down to see if I’ve turned to glass. I feel fragile and see-through. I meant every word but saying them out loud… My gaze shifts away from my stomach in the hopes I won’t puke. Luna is biting the plump of her lip, watching Francis. Francis is in turn watching me, his look unreadable.
My mouth moves to say something else but nothing comes out. There are no other words. I dig for them, I try and assemble them from the letters beating through my chest. But I can’t.
“I don’t like it,” Francis finally said.
My mouth flops again. There’s gotta be something else for me to say. Something to convince him.
“I don’t like it, but I’m…” He sighs. “I’m going to say yes.” Luna steps over and reaches for his hand. “On one condition.”
“Anything,” I manage through my cracked throat.
“Don’t screw this up again.” He’s grouchy but I’ll take it. “And if she says no, you leave her be, you understand?”
“Yes, sir.”
“That’s two conditions but still,” he says gruffly.
“Two I’ll gladly abide by.”
I could have stopped there. That might have been enough but I’m not taking chances. Not with Mina, not ever again.
This time I had the two hours between Denver and Schmitt’s Creek, where Michael lives, to think about what I could say. How I could sway Mina’s brother. I still have to sit in my truck for a few minutes before I blow out a deep breath and shove my door open. It bounces on its hinges as I get out. I keep my eyes on Mina’s brother’s front door. I take two steps before I hesitate and sag against the hood of my truck.
Getting up the guts to walk toward the stoop again is all it takes for the door to explode outward and Michael to come storming out.
“Shit,” I swear as I lift my hands and wave in surrender but that doesn’t slow him down.
I know what’s coming before it actually happens. He cocks his elbow back, his fist tight at about chin level. My whole body tenses, my shoulders jerk up toward my ears a second before I get punched. Hard. It leaves a ringing in my ears as blood trickles down to my lip then plops down onto my chest with a constant a drip, drip, drip.
“What the fuck man?” I ask even though I know exactly what the fuck. I raise my hands up to stop the blood only for him to swing again from the opposite side.
This time I feel my lip split beneath his fist and my teeth dig into my flesh like the whole thing happens in slow motion. My hand was a partial casualty and the whomp and an ache radiates from where Michael made contact.
“How dare you show up here,” he fumes. “How dare you come anywhere near my family after what you did.”
“So you punch me?” I try and catch the blood trickling down my face before realizing that I should just pinch the bridge of my nose and try and get it to stop. The way I look is hopeless already. “What are you? A fucking savage?”
“I should ask you the same thing.” He examines his hand. “The way you treat women suggests exactly that.”
“You don’t know shit.” I try and fling some of the blood pooled in my hand onto his lawn.
“I know you kissed another woman while you were dating my sister.”
“Fuck that and fuck you for clinging to that.” I glare at him from over my swollen lip. “Neither of us have simple pasts. Yeah, Jenny was mine, but she had Tanner and he’s a real gem. Didn’t make it difficult for us at all.”
“Sure blame this on Tanner if that helps you sleep at night.” He laughs a singular shithead laugh.
“I blame myself, you prick, I’m just not so naive to think that it’s a black and white situation.” My voice is wrong. Nasally and some of my words don’t have the sharp shape I will them to. But I make them anyway, letting my anger pour out now the way my love had at his parents’ house.
“So now I’m a naive prick?” His fingers ripple at his sides again.
“A clueless, naive prick.” I spit some of the blood that’s pooled in my mouth.
“Why I oughta…”
“Punch me? You already did.” I pull my hand from the bridge of my nose.
“I’ll do it again.” He narrows his gaze.
“Great. Fine. Whatever.” I shrug. “I came here to make amends with you. To apologize for what I did and how it hurt Mina. I was ready to pour my heart out in the hopes that her whole family would get behind us. Get behind me getting her back.”
“And now?” He crosses his arms just like Francis across his barrel chest.
“And now? Fuck off, Michael. You don’t deserve anything from me.” I shake my head as I turn back for my car.
“So you’re saying Mina’s not worth it. Again.” He lets out that low, shotgun style jerkoff laugh again.
This time it’s my fingers that clench at my side. I’ve never been so furious, so sure that if I put my anger behind my punch, I’ll level a man. But this trip was never about me, it was about Mina. She’s who stops me.
“See that’s the thing I never understood.” I turn back to him and rub my bruised chin as if it isn’t battered, as if I’m simply musing over the weather. “If I didn’t care about Mina, I’d hit you. Harder than I’ve ever hit anything or anyone in my life. And she can vouch for me, I’ve punched and dented a brewing fermenter before.”
I can’t help but smile over the memory, as sad as it is to think of why I was furious and full of pain over my best friend, Mina carefully running her fingers down mine is special. I think that’s when her touch started to mean something. It’s still the feeling I love best. I shake my head and my gaze finds Michael’s.
“So you asking me of Mina is worth it as a taunt is just your way of saying you don’t know your sister. You don’t love her enough to sacrifice your pride or ego.” I let out my own si
ngular asshole laugh. “But here’s the thing, and coincidentally it’s what I came here to say, I do. Love her that much. And I’m gonna get her back.”
I smirk as I turn for the car, leaving Michael dumbfounded on the lawn. She’s not going to be pleased that we’re on worse terms now then we were before, but I have to believe she’ll let it go. I have to believe that when I drive the remaining two hours back to Pyramid Peak, that she’s going to understand. Everything.
“Matter of fact, Michael…” I shoot him a smile through the sticky blood on my face as I walk back to my truck. “I’m gonna go do it right now.”
I was able to ride the high of telling Michael off for a while but then it wore thin. Mile after mile in the moonlight back to Pyramid Peak put questions in my head and doubt in my heart.
Is what I have enough?
To offer her. To get her back. To keep her.
The ache of my face makes it all worse.
I sigh when I see the big wood-carved sign announcing my return to town. I need more. Time. Ammunition. Reasons. To be more. To love her more. To show her more. Don’t I?
It’s Mina’s voice that answers. In all the ways she told me she loved me for me. In all the ways she showed me. I didn’t listen before, I didn’t trust. I would have to now, even when it was hard. When it hurt. When I didn’t believe.
Just outside of her restaurant, I blow out a deep breath as I throw my truck in park. I school my wince from the pain that flashes from the bridge of my nose. I should probably change my shirt, clean myself up, but I catch a glance of her through those big windows.
She’s beautiful, even leaden with the burden of her sorrow and I can’t let her stay that way a minute longer. I fish through my bags and find her small notebook that contains the measly few letters I’ve ever written to her. With it in hand—and the bag of fried chicken I picked up at the last fast food joint that served it before Pyramid Peak—I dig through the boxes stacked in the bed of my truck.
There’s one last bottle of our beer.
When I look down at my hands, I know it’s not enough. Not nearly. But Mina is worth the shot. Who knows, maybe I am too.