What is mindfulness? It’s the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, while not being overly reactive to or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. It’s a form of meta-awareness: being aware of being aware. Imagine standing outside of your own mind, observing your thoughts and feeling as if they were happening to someone else. You’re fully aware but impartial, and therefore not caught up in the story that your mind (or Inner Critic) is spinning about the situation. This is being mindful.
In terms of disrupting our inner critical thoughts, mindfulness is an ideal tool. When we are mindful, we clearly see and accept what is happening in the present moment without reacting with judgment, reflection, or internal commentary.20 Mindfulness gives us the opportunity to respond rather than just react, and we can move to a place of more balanced and clear thinking. From this place of more balanced and clear thinking, we can acknowledge self-critical thoughts objectively. What’s more, regularly practicing mindfulness positively transforms the emotional mind by establishing emotional balance21 and raising our baseline level of happiness.22
Because mindfulness is about attention and focus, it plays well with neuroplasticity. Being mindfully aware of the Inner Critic helps us focus our attention on other thoughts. Then intentionally redirecting attention and focus will decrease the activity of our self-critical thought circuits, so they will eventually be pruned away, eventually altering our brain circuitry for the better. To start banishing the Inner Critic, mindfulness fits our needs perfectly.
Typically, when we want to change something, we think that it involves force and effort. Your inclination may be to try to alter your behavior by actively working to “change” your self-critical thoughts: to tell yourself, “Stop thinking that way!” and then reprimand yourself when you think those thoughts again anyway. Sound familiar? Thankfully, mindfulness is the opposite of that.
The best thing about starting to practice mindfulness is that it’s not about making yourself do something. It is more about acceptance and shifting focus. In a lot of ways, it’s about giving yourself permission to just sit and look at things without having to think about, process, analyze, react, or respond to them. Doesn’t that sound like a refreshing change? It’s like giving your brain a vacation!
In using mindfulness to see the Inner Critic’s messages as an outcome of it trying to protect you, you can begin to be more impartial. Even more importantly, you begin to instill the practice of not reacting to self-critical thoughts by instead realizing that these thoughts are merely a habitual reaction to a stimulus. Ultimately, you don’t have to believe what your Inner Critic is spouting, which gives its messages less weight and validity.
Here’s the best part: mindfulness is something we all naturally already possess! However, it’s more readily available when we practice it on a daily basis, and gets stronger by exercising it regularly. As it is one of the core practices of our work, let’s start building our “mindfulness muscles” right now.
Creative Dose: Mindful Thought Acceptance
Purpose: To learn to accept thoughts instead of reacting to them
Instead of believing everything that passes through your mind, practice observing your thoughts instead. Here are three methods for
using mindfulness to become more impartial and less reactive to the thinking reflex that is the Inner Critic.
Part 1: Mindful Thought Disbelief
Thoughts, emotions, and perceptions aren’t necessarily reality. Choosing to believe thoughts is what gives them power, even though it frequently doesn’t feel that way. Remember thoughts aren’t facts. There’s a fantastic bumper sticker that reads, “Don’t believe everything you think.”
Rather than trying to force yourself to think positively, do this:
Accept that your mind will produce negative thoughts, which you don’t have to believe.
When you’ve done that, your mental follow-up to inner critical thoughts could be “Thoughts are not facts” or “I can watch this thought without having to respond to it.”23
By creating the extra buffer of the awareness of choice, we maintain better control of where we focus our mental energies, and therefore, what we think and consequently, believe.
Part 2: Acknowledge and Observe
Instead of trying to ignore, fight, suppress, or otherwise control your thoughts and feelings, use mindfulness and look at them as if you were looking at the thoughts and feelings of another person outside
of yourself.
Ask yourself these questions:
Would you react the same way to your own thoughts and feelings?
Would you judge those thoughts or feelings or be more objective about them?
Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, but instead of getting wrapped up in them, look upon them with calm interest.
And then, with the same level of detachment, watch as they pass on and others take their place.
Part 3: The Inner Critic is a Brain Event
Research shows that when patients viewed disordered thinking as “events of the mind” rather than as truth, a different region of the brain fired up, which reduced the risk of relapse.24 We will do the same with inner critical thoughts: we will think of them as “brain events” rather than the truth about ourselves or a situation.
This impartiality avoids igniting the circuitry associated with self-critical thoughts. It allows us to see situations and ourselves within them more clearly, providing much-needed perspective and insight. By thinking differently about our inner critical thoughts, and seeing them less as the truth about us and more of a habitual protective reflex of the mind, we can then begin to dismiss these thoughts as products of an over-active network or as circuitry that is misfiring, and again, we choose not to respond or react to them.
When your Inner Critic comes up, instead of getting wrapped up in the thoughts of self-judgment, self-criticism or self-doubt, you can think this to yourself:
“Oh, my brain is doing that Inner Critic thing again.”
“My Inner Critic circuit is running again.”
Then shift your attention back to what you are doing.
This simple practice will prevent you from activating the emotions that were the typical response to these thoughts. By doing this, you can divert the whole thought cascade that used to happen would be diverted.
By thinking differently about the thoughts that previously caused you no end of angst and consternation, you will effectively suppress activity in the part of your brain that regularly generates those self-critical thoughts.
Awaken Your Compassionate Self
“Self-compassion can melt away your Inner Critic.”
— Sandra Bienkowski, writer
In place of self-criticism, we need to actively begin to practice the opposite: self-compassion. Self-compassion is taking our natural capacity for sympathetic concern for others and turning it toward ourselves; particularly during moments of feeling inadequate, disappointed, and suffering. Self-compassion is realizing that self-criticism is the enemy and then acting to reverse its deleterious effects. Research has shown self-compassion to be “a key antidote” to toxic self-criticism.25 In fact, it is probably the most powerful tool in our toolbox to reverse a tendency to self-criticize.
If you’ve been in the practice of regularly using harsh self-talk as a motivator, you may be concerned that amping up your levels of self-kindness and compassion will make you lose your “edge,” leaving you a lazy and unmotivated slacker. Despite our ability to spend a weekend (or several) binge-watching Netflix, humans aren’t inclined to idleness. In fact, our natural tendency is to be engaged and to work. In her book, Reality is Broken, author Jane McGonigal says that humans prefer challenge to boredom and that “we prefer productivity to dissipation.”26 Ironically, self-criticism can actually hold us back from reaching our goals;27 instead, reassuring ourselves throug
h self-kindness and self-compassion motivates us to attain them.
Self-compassion is a critical element in our ability to properly care for ourselves emotionally. Writer Sandra Bienkowski puts it this way: “Living without self-compassion is like driving a car you never take in for regular maintenance. Eventually your car won’t work right and it breaks down.”28 As a tool and practice for maintaining our emotional equilibrium, it has an impressive list of benefits. When we’re feeling inadequate, self-compassion helps us to feel more secure and accepted by activating our innate care-giving system and encouraging the release of oxytocin.29 It decreases insecurity, self-consciousness, and the tendency to compare ourselves with others, and increases confidence through building our belief that we are worthy and capable.30 It lessens depression and anxiety,31 and as a result, gives you back energy formerly spent being down on yourself. It can foster emotional resilience and mental toughness and shore up inner strength and courage. Self–compassion helps to increases levels of calm and even joy.
Still not sold? Self-compassion also strongly correlates with achieving mastery in your field and optimal performance.32 Additional benefits of building up your level of self-compassion are that you will have higher standards for yourself, work harder through enhanced motivation, and take more responsibility for your actions, and you will have more “grit.”
But here’s the coup de grace: practicing self-compassion helps us to unblock and express creativity, which enables us to access higher levels of creative thinking and creative originality.33 Self-compassion enables us to nurture our creativity instead of stifle it.
Yes to all of this! This dizzying array of the benefits of self-compassion is precisely what we need when our Inner Critic has worn us down.
Self-compassion has two parts: the first is making a conscious effort to stop self-judgment. The second is to actively comfort ourselves, the same as we would a friend in need. To see how the mechanism of self-compassion works, do this: Think about how you would feel toward and treat a dear friend – especially if your friend came to you seeking support during a difficult time in life. What feelings would you extend toward your friend? What would you tell your friend? What kind of language would you use to comfort your friend? Envision this whole scenario playing out in your head. Now take note of and mentally record those feelings and messages. This is your self-compassion template: how you will now treat and talk to yourself in place of self-criticism. You will now treat yourself with the same kindness and care with which you would treat a friend.
How do we put self-compassion into practice? In practicing the positive self-to-self relating of self-compassion, our goals are to become sensitive to our distress, understand the roots of our distress, have empathy for ourselves, and finally view ourselves and our situations without judgment.34 It’s self-compassion that we will use to develop empathy for the distress we’ve experienced due to the Inner Critic.
The Inner Critic is a purveyor of emotionally damaging messages. Having an overzealous Inner Critic doesn’t feel good – in fact, it hurts. You and I know that there’s nothing enjoyable about being in the throes of an Inner Critic episode. The first step in beginning to break the Inner Critic reflex through self-compassion is to acknowledge how hurtful it has been all of these years. The constant barrage of negative self-talk and self-criticism wears away at our sense of self and confidence. The original core directive of the Inner Critic was to protect, but the true consequence of its limiting messages is the slow and steady disintegration of our being.
The second step is to upgrade our self-talk. The primary way to put self-compassion into action and start being kinder to ourselves is through changing our self-talk from being critical to being supportive. The trick is to use sympathetic rather than chastising language when we talk to ourselves. Then we reframe our inner dialogue so that we express empathy for ourselves and our circumstances. Through this two-step approach we can begin to silence the Inner Critic.
Self-compassion and mindfulness make a great team: mindfulness is actually one of the keys to self-compassion. Mindfulness gives us the space to treat ourselves with kindness. When we improve our mindfulness skills, we automatically improve our ability to be self-compassionate.
When it comes to banishing the Inner Critic, the combination of mindfulness and self-compassion pack a one-two punch as far as quieting self-critical thoughts, which is why the two are the foundation of our process. Mindfulness increases awareness, enabling us to begin to dismiss the thoughts that thwart our creativity. Then through self-compassion, we can replace these hurtful thoughts with supportive ones.
Self-compassion paves the way to self-acceptance. Ironically, it is in fully accepting ourselves as we are that we open the space for change in our lives. We will transform the dynamic of the Inner Critic by replacing the threat of toxic self-criticism through generating feelings of warmth and compassion. Instead of continuing the habit of beating ourselves up, we will comfort ourselves instead, reassuring ourselves in the face of profound self-doubt. Finally, instead of discounting our creativity and thereby blocking it, we will start to respect and nurture our powerful creative selves and create the space to let for our creativity to flow.
When you start building up your compassion muscles, you’ll see that they’ve always been there at the ready to direct concern not only toward others, but also toward yourself.
Creative Dose: Self-Esteem vs. Self-Indulgence vs. Self-Compassion
Purpose: To better understand how self-compassion is different
What are the differences between self-esteem, self-indulgence, and self-compassion?
Self-Esteem is about feeling good about yourself in relationship to others. In the face of pain, self-esteem
would have you feel better because you convince yourself that you are still doing better than other people. Negative outcomes of high self-esteem are ignoring or denying stress, pains, and disappointments, and putting others down.
Self-Indulgence is about catering to your whims without true regard for your well-being. In the face of pain and discomfort, self-indulgence would have you distract yourself away from your discomfort or numb it without acknowledging it.
Self-Compassion is about feeling good about yourself and caring for your well-being. In the face of pain, self-compassion has you give yourself empathy, nurturing, and kindness. While self-pity says, “feel sorry forme,” self-compassion remembers that everyone suffers, offering comfort in response to suffering.35
Creative Dose: The Voice of Support
Purpose: To begin to cultivate compassion for yourself
After years of being hard on yourself, you can attest to the fact that with criticism, instead of gaining a sense of comfort and safety, deep down inside, you end up feeling just the opposite.
When we feel kindness, understanding, acceptance, and support from others, it activates our soothing innate caregiving response, and our systems are infused with oxytocin, the hormone of bonding. As a result, our feelings of trust, calm, connectedness, and safety also increase.
Not only that, but when we feel accepted by others, our ability to generate warmth and compassion for ourselves increases as well. Practicing self-compassion eases the sense of threat produced by the Inner Critic and helps create a feeling of being protected.36 It follows that if we feel a sense of acceptance by others, then we can better generate compassion for ourselves.
I think of this as “compassion by association.” We’re going to use a technique called a compassionate reframe37 to trigger this mechanism of using the feeling of compassion to proffer self-compassion. This exercise is adapted from the “Perfect Nurturer” approach developed by Deborah Lee.38
Part 1: Use the Self-Compassion Template
When you feel yourself starting to think inner critical thoughts, take a moment to close your eyes.
Become aware of your Inner Critic’s thoughts.
The
n shift attention to your breathing to get grounded in your body and in the present moment.
Then using the self-compassion template described earlier, focus on putting yourself in a kind and empathetic mind frame.
Part 2: The Embodiment of Warm Support
Close your eyes again. Think of a person who will be your creativity cheerleader. It could be anyone: a supportive family member, a religious or historical figure, or even a beloved fictional character.
From this point on, this person will represent your ultimate ideal of caring, support, and encouragement. This person radiates the qualities of strength, wisdom, and acceptance without judgment. Imagine that this person wants the absolute best for you and does not wish to see any hurt or harm come to you.
To fully envision this person who is the embodiment of warm support, employ all of your senses to firmly embed the image and feel of this person in your head.
What does this person look like?
How is this person dressed?
What does his or her voice sound like?
How do you feel when this person gives you kind messages of support?
Is your support person accompanied by a pleasant smell like baking bread, freshly cut grass, orange blossoms, or the sea?
Focus on your cheerleader having an attitude of caring for you and extending feelings of warmth towards you. It may help to recollect feelings of warmth you’ve experienced from others in the past and then draw upon that sensation.
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