How will you start to infuse these strengths into your work or even restructure your work to fit them?
Let go of the idea that you somehow need to be another person or a different way to be okay. Stop trying to be anything other than exactly who you are. Accept exactly who you are and what you have to work with. Start working within this paradigm and see how this new perspective pushes your creativity. Whatever you have judged within yourself and thought was a liability, discover how you can exploit it. When you start to see it as one of your strengths, you can begin to celebrate your unique version of creativity.
Live Better Through Criticism
“The trouble with most of us is that we’d rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.”
— Norman Vincent Peale, author
Years ago I met a guy who was a waiter at one of my favorite breakfast eateries. He was tall, quirky, and hilarious. Although he was a waiter in his day job, he aspired to be on radio and had a late-night show at a local independent radio station. I was quite taken by him and wanted to get to know him better. We had several enjoyable conversations by phone, and when we finally met up, it felt like a date. I thought all was going well – until I called him one day not long after to share a great experience I’d had the night before. Super happy to be talking with him and enthused about the experience itself, I eagerly shared the details, my thoughts, and my feelings about it.
When I done, he was silent. “Hey, are you there?” I asked. And then it came. “You just went on and on!” he exclaimed. “I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. It was like ‘The Denise Show’ – like all you wanted was an audience.” I was absolutely stunned. I thought we had built a rapport and were becoming friends. I thought that because of this, he would be interested in hearing about my life and getting to know me better, as I wanted to get to know him. Clearly somewhere in there I had read the situation and him incorrectly.
Suffice to say, that was our last conversation. But for a very long time afterward, his words stuck with me, irritating my subconscious like a small stiff hair trapped beneath my clothing, scratching at my skin. I asked myself: Am I so self-centered as to be insensitive to my listener? Do I really go on and on when I talk? Do I act like it’s “The Denise Show” when I’m telling a story? For quite some time, I became hypervigilant about how much I was talking during conversations, careful not to say too much for fear of another similar reprimand.
The fascinating thing about his criticism is that there was actually more than a kernel of truth to it, but instead of it being about my weaknesses, it was insight into my talents and strengths.
A couple of years after that incident, I taught my first soap-making workshop – a pivotal experience that showed me that I loved to teach. Doing those workshops led me to start teaching web design and development courses at a community college. And through going to my first ever web design conference, I discovered that I wanted to be a speaker. Now, approximately 20 years after I received that criticism, I am a professional speaker. It is my job to get on a stage and talk for upwards of an hour, and regardless of the event, during the time of my talk, it essentially is “The Denise Show.” And for the record, I absolutely love what I do – it is an utterly perfect fit to my personality and skills.
The upshot? One person’s criticism can be another person’s insight in disguise.
Look for the positive truth in criticisms and learn from them. If we tense up, block, or react negatively to the information given, we can’t hear potentially valuable information clearly, take it in, or make use of it. Start to see criticisms as a way to grow, to make yourself better, and most importantly, learn about yourself. Transform your relationship with criticism and use it as a tool to improve yourself and your life.
Creative Dose: Curious and Open
Purpose: To have a toolbox of ways to stay open to criticism
We can adopt a practice of becoming curious and staying open in the face of criticism so that we may learn from it.
Here are some power tips for learning to take in criticism well and use it to get better at whatever you are doing:
Breathe. Get yourself grounded and make an effort to stay relaxed so that you don’t end up blocking the information through being tense, anxious, or defensive.
Detach. Make an effort to detach whatever criticism you get from your self-worth. Even when it seems that a person is criticizing who you are as a person, there’s a good chance that what they are really criticizing is your behavior.
Listen actively. One of the best ways to do so is to write everything down.21 This will help you detach from your emotions and put you more into a listening mode. Ask questions to clarify points, and make notes of items to double-check or focus on when you review your notes. Taking notes gives you the advantage of having time and space away from the feedback later, which will enable you to revisit the input and process it over time.
Get specifics. What specifically does the person think you need to improve? What are her or his thoughts and suggestions on how you can do so?
Find the relevant. Take criticisms with a grain of salt. Use your powers of discernment to keep what is relevant and ignore the rest.
Invite. Actively solicit constructive criticism or ask for it – and be appreciative of their suggestions.
Discover. Set your intention to discover new perspectives and ideas that you may not have considered. This actually works to counter any confirmation bias you may have that you weren’t aware of.
Be curious. Approach the criticisms with curiosity. Look for what was the most interesting thing the person said. It could be been that they revealed a major insight through that point.
Grow. The criticism can help to shine light on issues that you still need to resolve within yourself: fears, doubts, and insecurities. Be open to finding an emotional sore spot that the input motivates you to start healing.
Save time and learn. Changing how you react to criticism is actually a time-saver: if you really take in the information and learn from it, you will save yourself making the same mistakes and having to try to learn the lessons in the future.22 And don’t we all want to save time so that we can spend it on the enjoyable parts of life – like creating?
Knowing that there may be at least one gem, if not more, of valuable information contained within criticism, how will you change the way you respond to it?
Stay True to Yourself
“I silence my inner critics exactly the same way I silence my real-life critics: By saying to them very quietly, but very firmly, ‘If you don’t like what I’m doing, go write your own f**king book.’ ”
— Elizabeth Gilbert, author
There are times when your ideas are so creative and leading edge that people are critical of them because they simply don’t have the capacity to see your vision. In his book, Ignore Everybody,23 artist and entrepreneur Hugh McLeod shares this gem of advice: “Ignore everybody. The more original your idea is, the less good advice other people will be able to give you.“ All too often, people will weigh in on matters about which they have absolutely no clue.
Staying true to ourselves, no matter what, is key. How people perceive you actually has little to do with you: judgment says more about the one judging than the one being judged. Often criticism and judgment are nothing more than someone projecting their insecurities, fear,
and negativity onto you. Although judgments and criticisms may feel as limiting and suffocating as the squeeze of a boa constrictor, know that you have the power to extricate yourself from the hold of uninformed comments.
We can show the people who don’t see our vision or us clearly some compassion. I have a Welsh friend who uses an expression that amuses me to no end: “Well, bless their little cotton socks!” he often says (which is often shortened to “bless their cottons!”). When we encounter external judgment, we can remember that someone else’s opinion is not our
problem, and take the higher road by wishing that person well, and then wishing them on their way.
In the grand scheme of things, how others see you isn’t important. How you see yourself, however, is everything. Regardless of whatever criticism or judgment comes your way, having a base of a strong sense of self will help you weather the storm of anything that people may say about your work. In an online article, relationship expert Dr. Margaret Paul puts it beautifully: “High self-worth or low self-worth is the result of how we treat ourselves – not about what others think of us.”24
Build your sense of self by prioritizing yourself. Don’t let others define you – live by your own values. Get to know your own strengths and limitations, viewing them without judgment, but simply as facts about who you are. And finally, continue to learn to operate from your center by trusting your self more, cultivating a deep belief in what you are doing.
We can work on tuning into that small clear voice inside – our Creative Self – that tells us what is our own truth. And we can begin to act accordingly by standing up for ourselves, championing our ideas, and getting out of a place of fear, uncertainty, and doubt. We can start to learn to communicate our ideas and projects better to garner the support that we want and need.
In essence, we start taking back our creative power and living a life that is authentic to the Self.
Creative Dose: More Clear, More Empowered
Purpose: To put external criticisms into perspective
Here are some suggestions to stay grounded in the face of unhelpful criticism.
Option 1: A Drop In the Ocean
Whenever you receive criticism, whether it’s well-intentioned, constructive, malicious, or just plain irrelevant, put it into perspective.
Imagine the criticism as a drop of dense black ink and see it falling into the ocean. Watch as the drop mixes with the surrounding water and gets lighter and lighter until it is indistinguishable.
You’ll find that this helps wash the criticism away from your mind so you can focus your brain on continuing to generate big ideas.
Option 2: Preferred Treatment
If someone criticizes you harshly, you can stand up for yourself and teach them how you’d prefer to be treated.
To a harsh or poorly thought through and delivered criticism, you can respond with something like, “Your points are completely valid and I appreciate you sharing them with me. However, I would take them far better if you changed your tone of voice.”
Take back your power. Establish how people will treat you, not the other way around.
Choose to Contribute
“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”
— Aristotle
I have a confession: I have had quite a few moments when I have been afraid of being judged for this book. However, one morning earlier this week while washing dishes, I had a realization: in the grand scheme of things, it simply doesn’t matter whether folks judge it or not. Of course I would love for this book to be a profound experience for everyone who reads it. I would love for people to love it. However, while the objective of writing this book is to help people, it is also about developing my own personal creative process.
In the inception stage, creativity is really about the relationship that you have with yourself and what you are bringing forth. It’s about letting out what’s inside of you. And in the moment of creation, what you are making doesn’t have anything to do with other people. It’s about you and your work. In those moments that you spend bringing your creation into the world, no one else matters.
You already know this, but it bears stating nonetheless: no matter what it is you do or create, there will always be someone out in the world for whom it is not a good fit. You simply can’t please everyone – and you shouldn’t strive to. When you find the people with whom your work strongly resonates, you will have discovered the treasure trove of your “tribe.”
As creatives (if you have not yet accepted that you are creative by default, don’t protest any longer – just accept it), we often feel that a rejection of our ideas, skills, or what we produce with our talent, is a rejection of us as people. But it’s not. The criticism is not about who you are as a person, but something that came through you. We identify strongly with what we produce – it feels like an extension of ourselves. But when we take a more mindful approach, we can realize that what we produce is not us at all, but rather an object or concept, which much as children do, takes on an identity and life of its own after it leaves us. It touches the lives of people. You could even think of your creation as having its own individual relationship with these people, which you aren’t really a party to anymore.
Ultimately, you create for both yourself and for others, but they are two different parts of the whole process. We create to contribute to our own growth and self-actualization and ostensibly for others’ as well. At some point with your creative work, you have to make a choice: is it more important for you to protect the Self from judgment and keep what you have inside, or to contribute and enrich your own life as well as others’? In my mind, the answer is always that it is more important to make a positive contribution to your Self and to the world.
Decide that it is more important to contribute something to the world than it is to protect yourself, and let those big, beautiful ideas inside of you come out.
Creative Dose: Focus on the Work
Purpose: To manage anxiety about potential criticism of your work
If you are feeling anxious about what people might say about your work or your creations, what will help is to focus on the work itself, and not your feelings of anxiety about it.
Step 1: Feel Fascination
Focus on truly interfacing with what you are making: become deeply interested in it and seek to discover all that you can about it. It’s a lot of like being in love, when learning more about your beloved is a fascinating journey, and you’re always eager to find out more.
Commit yourself to discovering these things:
What is the soul of this idea or project?
What does this project aspire to be?
What makes this idea or project tick?
What other aspects can you discover about your idea or project?
Step 2: Feel Honored
Another perspective you can take is that idea that an idea or project chooses you, and not the other way around. Look at the initial spark of insight and then the compulsion to see an idea through to completion as existing because that idea chose you, out of all of the people on this planet, to come through into the world and become tangible.
When I use this perspective to think about what I’m creating or working on, I not only feel incredibly flattered, but I feel a sense of honor at being the one chosen to help to make “my” idea manifest.
Ask yourself:
What is the best way for you to respect and honor the spirit of the idea that has chosen you to be its vehicle for coming into the world?
What does the idea want you to do to truly communicate all of what it is?
Option 3: Feel Hopeful
You can also think about the potential good that whatever you’re creating will do. It may affect one person, it may affect thousands or more. Focus on creating results and helping others, and infuse your work with positive intentions and your vision of its usefulness. This will help you focus on the road ahead instead of the walls of anxiety next to you.25
Take several moments and ponder:
Who are the people that you would like to touch with your idea?
How will what you’re making improve the lives of others?
All of the options incorporate a bit of a mindful approach. By shifting your focus away from some nebulous and most likely unfounded fear of being judged, you will effectively distract yourself back to what is directly in front
of you and what you are bringing forth.
We’ve Only Just Begun
You have to hand it to the Inner Critic, it works really hard to try to keep us safe using a wide arsenal of brain processes and psychological tendencies. You would think that constantly being on the lookout for threats would exhaust the Inner Critic, but it is tenacious and tireless in its pursuit of keeping us safe – bless its cotton socks!
Creativity is the ability to come up with ideas by trusting yourself, allowing, and then getting out of the way. Creativity is also having the courage to act on your ideas. To get to that wonderful un-self-conscious place where we can let our ideas flow, we need to make a commitment to challenge our Judgment Dread. We can’t control what people say to us or how they perceive our work, or for that matter, us as people. But we can get a better handle on our own perceptions and how to best deal with whatever does come to us.
Our work, however, is not yet done – we’ve only just begun. As you learned in the previous chapter, the Inner Critic has a variety of guises that it uses in the name of protection. And because fear of judgment and criticism are so closely related, you won’t be surprised to learn that once we start to judge ourselves, then becoming highly self-critical is not far behind.
Chapter 4 | “Nothing
I Do Is Any Good”
- High Self-Criticism
This chapter examines:
Origins of Inner Self-Talk
Expectations and Shame
Inner Critic v. Attacked Self
Rumination
Self-Distancing
Self-Censoring and Ideacide
Selective Hearing aka the Cocktail Party Effect
Non-Dominant Brain Hemisphere
Gestures, Thought, and Learning
Banish Your Inner Critic Page 12