by Hunter Blain
“Is this necessary, Jonathan?” Lily asked while putting her palm over her eyes and rubbing her forehead.
“I didn’t do anything,” Depweg responded without looking at her.
“HA!” I cried out to Lily while pointing a victorious finger at her. “Not as much fun to use that now, huh?” Jonathan Depweg and I locked eyes for a moment and nodded our heads in silent victory. I realized I was subconsciously trying to alleviate my friend’s anger.
Looking back at Locke, I stood and crossed my arms, admiring my handiwork. “Now he really is a dickhead.”
Locke had been trying to look at his own forehead, which was both sad and odd, until he processed what I’d said. His forehead scrunched and his eyes narrowed at me while he tried to use his mouth to form words. As his forehead creased, I pointed while laughing and said, “Look! Now it has foreskin!” I looked around, awaiting a high five to be prompted by someone for that epic joke, but there were none to be given that day.
“Fine,” I said. “Let’s get Father Thomes here so we can get his opinion.” At the mention of the holy father, Locke started blinking in rapid two-blink successions bordering on frantic.
“What? You don’t want the father to come and exorcise your ass back to Hell? I bet Lucifer is pissed at you right now, huh?” Locke closed both his eyes really hard, his face starting to shake.
Growing tired of his lack of communication I said, “I have a plan.” At this, both Lily and Depweg cried out while throwing their hands in the air and letting them drop again in a show of disbelief. “No, I’m serious this time,” I finished as I put my palm over Locke’s crushed lower jaw and willed my blood out and over his face. I focused on my life force, which still had some angel charge, to heal his broken face. The air echoed with the sounds of popping bones and tendons, all while Locke wailed as his face was reconstructed. When the task was almost complete, Locke let out a long “O” syllable that coalesced into, “Oooooooo, you twit! That freaking hurt!” he exclaimed in his motherland accent of Old English.
The remaining blood retracted into my palm, and I stood up next to Lily and Depweg.
“Cool trick,” Depweg said.
“Saved your were-ass,” I gloated. At least I pretended to. I had been willing and ready to sacrifice my own existence to ensure Depweg survived our encounter with Locke after he had been impaled through his lower torso with a pillar of hellfire. I had doused the flame with my life essence, using all of my will and energy to fight the very flames from Hell itself. Only real problem was I had also been in the process of being eaten alive by hellfire, and had had nothing left in the tanks to save myself. Then along had come Lily. Just as Jennifer Aniston had convinced Ben Stiller to eat that spicy food, Lily had forced me to imbibe her blood, forever making me her slave. Admittedly, it had its perks, though.
“Thanks, brother,” Depweg said with full sincerity. Uh-oh, intimate man moment, got to change things up. I punched him playfully hard in the arm while wearing a shit-eating grin. Depweg stood stoically, comprehending what had just happened. Then he nodded in understanding. I think he was more in touch with his emotions and definitely able to control them better than I was.
Turning my attention to Locke, I said, “Tell us what we want to know or there’ll be a little head to pay.”
Depweg leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, “That didn’t really work, man,” then leaned back to a straight stance. I motioned for him to come closer, and when he did, I whispered back, “We need to watch Aliens after this.” He nodded and then leaned once again to his neutral position.
“I love that movie,” Locke said, putting his American accent back on while moving his jaw around, testing my work. “Shall we put it on now?”
“Yes, but first, what was Satan’s plan? Why did you want me to stay out of his way?” I demanded as I stood up from where I had been crouched. “And don’t lie. We’ll know if you are lying.”
“Seeing as I am in quite a predicament, I will reluctantly tell you what you wish to know. Samael wants to bring the final battle to fruition. He is tired of ruling Hell and wants to destroy Heaven and Earth or be killed in the process, freeing him from his eternal duties.”
I was taken aback by the flood of information and leaned toward Lily and Depweg, where I loudly whispered, “Is he lying?” Depweg shrugged while Lily only stared, methodically processing the information.
“But why John?” Lily asked while nodding toward me. “What does a lone vampire have to do with the apocalypse?”
“You are right,” Locke stated.
“About which part?” Lily asked, bemused but frustrated. I secretly enjoyed watching the Fae having to play the information game.
“When the last vampire walks the Earth, the gates of Hell will open. This will allow the apocalypse to begin,” Locke said.
At the mention of the apocalypse, Depweg visibly relaxed his demeanor while his glare softened to disdain rather than hate. It’s like the impending end of the world distracted him from the canine sanctuary that had been burned to ashes by Locke’s men.
“Well, here I am, last of my kind. I’m walking and I’m talking and the Earth is still under my feet, so try again,” I said while motioning my hands up and down my body.
“That’s all I know. Surely you don’t think Samael would divulge all of his knowledge to me and then send me to the front lines to do his bidding,” Locke pointed out. “By the by, can you heal my burns?”
“No,” I said dismissively without giving it any thought. He could have asked what time it was and I would have just as easily turned down his request. Then again, I was the one who had to look at that well-done mug. It reminded me of this one time when I’d first gotten my cell phone and I’d been chatting with Depweg. I’d said to him “Hey, what’s that sound?” When he had asked, “What sound?” I had farted into the phone and laughed at him. “You do realize that you are the one that has to smell it, right?” I’d realized he was right immediately. He was like the Joker, turning people’s plans around on them.
“Then, why help him at all?” Depweg continued asking Locke, but now in a more even-keeled tone. “Don’t you have a stake in all of this?”
“Great question!” I said while pointing at Depweg. “That, that thing he said. Yeah,” I finished by crossing my arms and putting on a Cool Cop interrogation face.
“I’m dead,” Locke reported.
“No shit. Am I right?” I said to Lily and Depweg, who continued to ignore me.
“No, you simpleton. I died long ago and was sent to Hell, where my talents drew the attention of some key characters of the biblical persuasion. It wasn’t long until the Lord of Hell himself called upon me and made me an offer that was impossible to refuse. He would give me my body back and let me live again on Earth as his servant, or I could spend an eternity in his personal torture chamber where I would lose my sanity. I made my choice, and I challenge anyone else to make a different decision.”
“So, you did die and actually went to Hell for your crimes?” I asked sincerely. I was under the impression that he had eluded punishment for his crimes until I’d delicately removed his head. It had been maddening to think he had walked this world for centuries all willy-nilly.
“It would appear so,” Locke confirmed.
Lily broke the silence that had begun to fill the air, “I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Devil chose your archnemesis as his herald, John.”
“I agree with Lily,” Depweg said, his eyes flicking to Locke before settling back on me. “Seems terribly convenient.”
“Why did he burn your face?” Lily asked.
“Well, at first I thought it was to make a point about his power and influence, but then I saw John. It clicked then. Samael was saving his punch line for the right moment,” Locke told us.
I thought about this and then stated, “He’s right. Had I known Locke was Commander Godwin,” I trailed off for a moment, as even uttering the name made my jaws lock together and my fists
squeeze white-knuckle tight, “I would have rushed him, damn any army or rules that might protect him.”
“You’d be dead,” Depweg said, lifting his head to stare into the distance.
“I am dead,” I said with a shadow of levity. “Well, undead if you want to be technical about it.”
“And if you were dead, there wouldn’t be a last vampire to start the apocalypse anymore,” Lily said, grasping the situation better than Depweg or myself. “Perhaps…” she started while circling the air with an open palm, suggesting the remainder of her thought.
“Don’t even think about it,” Depweg said, snapping out of his haze to glare at Lily.
“How cute. My puppy wishes to test me. Sit, puppy,” she commanded.
Knowing the game, Depweg strode over to the bar, grabbed a stool, dragged it right in front of Lily, and then sat down. Their eyes were on the same level while Depweg sat on the stool. There was a defiance in his eyes that dared her to test his resolve.
“If I die,” I started while staring blankly at the wall, “then the apocalypse will be averted?”
Depweg turned quickly to look at me and interjected at the gravity of my statement, “Perhaps, John. But that is to assume a few key points. One, is Locke telling the truth, or the truth that has been presented to him by the Father of Lies? And two, what happens if you die right now? Satan will get his hands on you for all eternity, along with all the zealots and demons you’ve sent packing, who I’m willing to bet are waiting. Who’s to say that the Devil doesn’t want exactly that? Maybe as a trophy. Or, perhaps he needs you in Hell to actually start the end of days. You have proven yourself able to handle even the biggest of bastards he can throw at you, and that could be strategically advantageous on the battlefield. Whatever the answer, I would suggest self-preservation until we have more to go on. No reason to be making decisions without all the answers, dude.”
I let my mind wander as new pieces of the same puzzle I had been working on for centuries appeared and fell on the already cluttered board I had once thought was complete.
“For the record,” Lily said as she looked at me with wanting eyes, “I don’t want you to perish, lover. I was simply speaking out loud.”
“Just curious,” Depweg started, almost cutting off Lily, “but how do you know you are the last vampire? What if one is asleep in Madagascar right now or something? Or even more plausible, what if there are several more out there who are better than John at concealment?”
I feigned surprise while placing a hand on my chest and mouthing, “Me?” Depweg’s mouth closed in frustration, and he tilted his head while exhaling loudly. Locke being here, somewhat alive, was taking its toll on Depweg’s humor.
“Okay, okay,” I began, growing frustrated at this What If game. “Let’s just work with the facts we have in front of us. ‘When the last vampire walks the Earth.’ It doesn’t matter if there are more. We can assume that they are being hunted or will be, right?”
“You are the last,” Locke said confidently and coldly, being the bearer of bad news. “Though it wasn’t said outright, I am confident that you are the last based on the information I either overheard or was told directly.” I opened my mouth to say something when Locke continued, “Yes, I am aware that Lucifer is the Father of Lies, but he worked diligently on you and only you. When I was his servant, it was my job to remove certain pieces from the board while watching over you. He never mentioned other vampires.”
I dropped my head and took in a deep breath before saying, “I think he’s right. Ulric mentioned being the last one when he made me.”
It was then that I noticed Lily being intentionally quiet. “Lily?”
“Ulric was the last before he made you. Then you were the last when you killed him in London,” she said without her usual playfulness.
“How did you know about London?” I asked. “I never told anyone about that. To either of you.” My eyes shifted from Lily to Depweg, who shrugged.
“I had no idea, dude,” Depweg said.
“I am Fae, lover. I know what I must and I must know.” There was a heaviness to her words, as if she were projecting her usual calm demeanor rather than exuding it.
Silence was my response. She had never mentioned me killing my maker before. But I was only slightly surprised at her knowledge. She was, after all, ancient and cunning. I was sure there were plenty of mouths feeding her information for even just a sniff of her perfume.
Something Locke said bobbed to the surface of my mind, and I asked him, “What other pieces have you removed from the board?”
“Samael had me open a doorway to another plane and allow the supernatural community passage off this world.”
I glanced at Lily, who remained fixated on Locke. I returned my attention to the crispy cranium, “Why do that?”
“To weaken Earth’s defenses,” Depweg stated.
“Though he never stated why, and I wasn’t foolish enough to outright question Lucifer, I had a hunch that was the reason why,” Locke admitted.
Depweg got up from the stool and began pacing as he pieced the puzzle together; Lily didn’t object. “We know it’s in every supe’s best interest, and even their responsibility, to fight demons. They have no compunction about revealing themselves to humans and risk exposing all of us. There must be, what, hundreds of thousands of supes across the world?”
“Not anymore, I’m afraid,” Locke said with a sigh. I wanted to ask him how he was able to talk and exhale without a diaphram, but I was sure the answer would make me feel stupid for even asking.
“Are you certain the doorway was opened to Faerie?” Lily asked, placing a finger on her chin in thought.
“Yes. Why do you ask?” Locke questioned.
“If the supernatural community were in Faerie and sought asylum with the Seelie Court, then I would have seen them.”
“What are you saying?” Depweg asked as he ceased his pacing to focus on Lily.
“I’m saying there are no creatures from this plane in the City in the Tree.”
“Neat name,” I said, “but I’m not following.”
“If the refugees are not with the Seelie Court, then they can only be one other place,” Lily trailed off.
After a few moments of silence, I threw out in agitation, “Look, I love suspense as much as the next dude, but can you spit it out, please?”
“The Unseelie Court must have them. If that’s the case, they are all dead. Queen Mab of the Winter Court does not tolerate any trespassing on her lands.” Lily’s eyes, which had gone unfocused in contemplation, snapped back and locked onto the cause of the concern. “Locke, where in Faerie did you open the door? Tell me now.”
Locke, sensing her building aggression, stammered as he answered, “I-I-I don’t know! I never really thought about it! Lucifer instructed me on how to feel for Faerie parallel to our own plane and had me picture a scene in my head. I had never been there and did as I was told!”
“What did he describe? Explain in as much detail as you can,” Lily commanded with a tone that suggested to everyone in the room that she was not to be questioned or disobeyed.
Locke closed his eyes and began. “There are evergreens that are in perfect lines down countless rows, as if they were an army on display. The ground and trees are coated with fresh snow that is constantly falling from an overcast sky a shade of light gray. It is quiet, with only the gentle breeze making a sound along with the trees as they sway slightly. There is a castle etched into the mountains—”
“Enough,” Lily interrupted. She turned to face me and said, “Satan tricked Locke into opening the gate right in front of Queen Mab’s castle. They are all dead.”
“Lilith damn it,” I exhaled, letting my head drop as I shook it in disbelief. Lifting it again to set my eyes on Locke, I asked, “And this happened all over the world? With other asshats like you opening the doorway?”
“I can confidently say yes,” Locke began to explain, intelligently ignoring my jab. “It never reall
y resonated with me why Lucifer needed a warlock at every leyline in the world, until now. I thought he was simply positioning us over this plane’s source of focused power—you know, fortifying them before his enemies got to them.”
“That still might be the case,” Depweg added. “Stands to reason he would kill as many birds as possible with a single stone.”
“I need to talk to Father Philseep,” I said absently, my mind strained from everything that was being thrown around.
“NO! No, please. That isn’t necessary,” Locke pleaded. Three eyebrows arched in unison.
“Why are you so afraid of the father?” I asked, tilting my head and crossing my arms.
“Oh, no reason. So, about that movie, then?” Locke segued.
I pulled out my cell phone and unlocked the screen, letting Locke see me go to my Favorites menu where Depweg, Lily, Valenta, Da, and Papa T were the only names listed. Heck, they were the only names at all, so I didn’t even know why I had manually added them to my favorites.
I let my finger hover over Father Thomes’ name and glanced over at Locke, daring him to lie or avoid answering further.
“Alright, alright, alright. It’s because I’m dead and haunting my own body using Hell magic. I am very confident, given what I know about your holy do-gooder, that he would exorcise me in an instant and send me back to Hell. You can imagine that I don’t particularly wish to go back. Speaking of, can I crash here with you guys? The iron upgrades would sure help keep me hidden.”
Iron upgrades? He had just shown me that he still had some power left in him, at least his senses. I mean, he was also haunting his own decapitated head. I’d have to file that away for later in my information city. Then the gravity of his question hit home.
“DUDE! You fucking killed my parents, you little shit!” I cried out as I pointed to Depweg. “And you burned his house down and all his dogs. Now it’s your turn to burn. Depweg, turn the oven on. We’re going to have ourselves a Locke-e-que.”
“Sounds awesome,” Depweg said coldly as he turned and made his way to the kitchen.
“Right, um, sorry about all of that,” Locke said quickly. “I did spend a number of earthly years down below, which equate to a fucking long time in Hell years. I paid for my sins and had a lot of time to think about them. The truth is, your father was right.”