by Hunter Blain
My heavy hand reached for the handle and, as before, nothing happened. I threw my side into the door and then grabbed my shoulder whining, “Owwy!”
“JOHN!” Depweg screamed with urgency as he fell on all fours, the change beginning.
“Fuck!” I yelled, willing my energy reserves to flow through me, filling my body with immense preternatural strength. I cut the seat belt with a blade I willed along the edge of my palms and then leaped straight through the already shattered sunroof of the car just as the rhino plowed into the side, ripping Mortis completely in half with a shower of sparks and flames. The two halves flew through the night’s air before they hit several yards away and began tumbling violently through the dirt and knee-high grass. My poor Mortis! I wondered if insurance covered demon attacks.
The moon glinted off its scales as the beast made a wide turn back to us.
“Depweg!” I cried out as I let my bloodblade grow into an eight-foot spear, “Turning radius!” I pointed with my free hand and Depweg’s freshly formed snout followed. He chuffed in understanding and prepared to pounce.
“Over here, you fat sack of demon shit!” I yelled out, waving my arms as I strode in the opposite direction from Depweg, widening the gap between us. The beast heard me and turned squarely in my direction. I noticed Depweg drop his body low to the ground, blending in with the tall grass.
In my free hand, I willed a meat hook out and bent at my knees, lowering my center of gravity. As the beast charged closer, I ran forward, preparing to use my spear as a pole and vault onto his ample back. He let out a torrent of flame from his gaping mouth that took me completely by surprise. Instinctively, I shoved the pole into the ground and hurled myself up and over. The hellfire caught the pole and incinerated my blood energy, causing an electric sting to shoot up my arm and into my chest, like grabbing an industrial-grade cattle prod.
As I soared through the air, stunned and floppy, the foremost horn lashed up and struck home, carving the Grand Canyon down the left side of my back starting at my hip. Pain erupted and enveloped my every cell as he progressed up my torso and caught my shoulder blade, bone stopping the advancement of the horn. With my momentum no longer pulling me horizontally, gravity took over and I started to slide down the horn. The hellfire-infused obsidian weapon widened in circumference as I slid downward. I screamed in agony as my life force was burned away at the merest touch of the flames. Just when I’d thought I couldn’t possibly take anymore, another lightning of searing anguish pierced my back just below the first. As the girth of the horns grew, the two holes through my body widened as I continued to slide downward.
“Heh,” I spat through clenched teeth, mouth full of blood, “girth…” My vision blackened at the edges. I didn’t even feel the third horn press against my back through my coat. “Oh man, my trench!” I exclaimed weakly, exhaustion seeping into my words.
My head bobbed with each gallop of the hell rhino. I lifted my face to try and focus on a way out of this sticky situation and saw the two horns protruding through my chest, my blood sizzling off like a fajita plate at Chili’s. I pulled on my right sleeve with my left hand until my fingers and palm were covered by my leather coat. Reaching up, I grabbed the first horn and squeezed, halting my descent. I let my head drop backward toward the ground, looking for Depweg. He must have seen me searching desperately for him, as he whined just audibly enough for me to hear. The rhino monster heard too and turned his charge toward the sound. I let my left hand, which was still holding the hook, fall over my shoulder and toward the beast’s mouth. Like catching and securing a fish, I tried to insert the hook in the ferocious creature’s mouth…or nose…or eye. I wasn’t very good at fishing and was willing to hook it anywhere I could.
After I felt the tip of the hook hit something, I pulled up, but to no avail. My hand just shot up toward the night sky. I noticed that the wind was becoming cool again even after tapping into my reserves. This bitch was killing me by the second.
I let my hand drop again as we approached Depweg, felt it click against teeth, and then pulled with everything I had. I must have found purchase because the beast’s head tilted upward with a roar, raising me like one of those adjustable beds until I was almost vertical with the ground. The beast fought to pull back down, so I let go of the horn with the hand that was preventing me from sliding further down, and grabbed my other hand at the wrist. I pulled with so much force I thought my teeth were going to shatter from being clenched so hard. The third horn pierced my flesh as I pulled, giving it all it needed to violate my insides. The world became a pinprick in my vision as blackness swallowed everything I saw. Sound muffled and then disappeared completely. I couldn’t even feel the wind anymore. I just pulled with all my borrowed might, trusting Depweg to do what I could not.
I was aware I was looking at the horizon again as I pulled on my fish, my prize, my trophy. I started to slide off the third horn now that gravity was no longer pulling me down, and allowed myself a brief moment of reprieve before something massive slammed into the rhino, or the rhino into something massive. The smallest horn found renewed vigor as it punched through my lower back and out the side of my stomach. That’s when I let my hands relax and drop lifelessly to my sides. The old dirt-covered statue on Father Thomes Philseep’s stage came to mind as my arms lay outstretched to either side of me. I was concerned that the horns didn’t hurt anymore as I accepted my fate. I was so very tired.
The pressure on my stomach and back started to recede. I had enough energy to barely open my eyes and see the horns turning to ectoplasm and melting away. The searing of blood had stopped, leaving behind the sounds of the night.
After a few seconds, the weight of me broke free from the melting structure that was the rhino monster, and I fell to the ground, face-first. The grass was slightly damp against my face, and the wind made the blades tickle across my cheek. A human foot stepped in front of me and I tried to twist my head to look up. Once I got to Depweg’s junk hanging freely in the air, I decided it was better to just let my head relax as the rain began to fall. Unconsciousness took hold of me as dizzying blackness filled my eternity.
11
My eyes refused to open and fought hard to remain closed. They relented after some effort, and my lids pried apart to reveal a blinding light. My hand shot up reflexively to shield my weak eyes.
My nose and ears recognized the atmosphere almost immediately.
“Hey, Doc,” I said weakly, letting my hand fall back to my side.
“We need to stop meeting like this,” said the veterinarian that had saved my ass twice now. His eyes looked over a pair of glasses at me, the glass—and his balding head—reflecting the light.
I moved my right hand over to my left to find plastic tubes sticking out of it.
“Say, Doc,” I started, “How do you manage to pierce my skin?”
“Silver and iron, John,” responded Depweg.
I raised my head and squinted in the light to see a cane-wielding Depweg hobbling unsteadily over to me.
“You’re getting good at that, Mr. Clooney,” I praised with a smile.
“Not acting this time. He got me good,” Depweg said, holding his side with his cane-free hand.
“What happened?” I asked as I let my increasingly heavy head fall back to the stainless table I was placed upon.
“When you lifted his head, I charged in and ripped his throat out. Then he fell on me and crushed half my body under its tonnage until it dissolved. Pretty sure he broke something that didn’t want to break. But we did it.”
“Go team,” I said lamely. “When do we get our Cub Scout badge?”
“Cub?” Depweg asked, unsure if to be annoyed or insulted.
“Well, I can’t be a Boy Scout because I’m only this many,” I said as I flashed ten fingers on both hands and then closed my fists only to flash them again in rapid succession like fifty times.
“I like cubs,” the doc said. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not because his face w
as like stone, but he watched us in silence as if waiting to see if we caught his animal pun. We didn’t.
I thought for a moment. “How the hell did it find us?” I asked.
“Don’t know, man. But that couldn’t have been a coincidence.”
“Ah, man,” I said, rolling my head from side to side in exhausted frustration. “That fucker burned up a lot of my reserves, brother. It’s going to take a long time to get those back.”
“Well, since you’ve been out, I’ve had time to think about that. The whole reason we were attacked was because we were out hunting.”
“Yeah, and?” I motioned for him to continue with my tube-free hand.
“Da let on that you have a great amount of wealth.”
“What! And you don’t? If you live long enough, it’s easy to amass some cash.”
“I have always tried to live off the land, John. Material things never interested me. But now I am forced to play the game, as it were.”
“Gone are the simple days, huh, buddy?” I asked in remembrance of times long since passed.
“To finish my thought,” Depweg continued, snapping back into the now, “why don’t you build your own blood bank or something along those lines. Pay people to donate. Heck, if they donate enough times, you can pay for their kids’ college or something like that, since you are trying to do good deeds.”
“Hmm. You might be onto something here. It would be quite advantageous to have a steady supply of blood from my own personal bank.” While looking at Depweg approvingly, I said, “Hey, we might as well build a wing where people can donate their limbs too? Huh? Huh?” We both broke out in laughter as the doc cleared his throat nervously.
“Only kidding, Doc,” I said, turning to him. I let my head roll back toward where Depweg stood leaning heavily on his cane. “I will have to get Da to set that up when we get back. For now, though, how am I?”
The doc cleared his throat, catching my attention. “You were gravely wounded by the hellfire tusks.”
“Horns,” I corrected.
“Excuse me?” the doctor asked.
“They were horns. Trust me. Got to see them up close.”
“Right, horns,” the doc agreed, not wanting to argue. “They tore through you at three points and cauterized as they did.”
“The doc had to cut a lot of you out in order to let you heal. You’re going to be weak for a while, bro,” Depweg explained impatiently. He was always one to rip the Band-Aid off.
I lifted my head and then rested on my right elbow to get a good look. My shirt had been cleanly cut down the middle, exposing three purple holes that puckered around the edges like little volcano mouths. I explored them with my fingers and was half relieved when I felt pain, and that they were solid.
“When you open your blood bank, be sure to send me some to keep on hand,” said Doc.
“If we are going to be seeing a lot of each other, I assume introductions are in order. John Cook,” I said as I extended my tube-free hand.
“Doctor James Hunt. You can call me Jim,” he introduced himself as he grasped my hand firmly and shook.
“I want to make fun of you for calling yourself a doctor, since you work on animals, but it would appear,” I said, lifting my tubed hand, “that you have an advanced knowledge in preternatural physiology. So, no jokes this day, Doc.”
A smirk started at the corners of his mouth in response to the acknowledgment of his private prowess. There couldn’t be that many people with whom he shared this information with. To regular mortals, he was just a vet. To supes, he was just a mortal.
“But not supernatural,” Doc Jim clarified.
“What’s the difference between super- and preternatural?” Depweg asked.
“Easy,” I started. “They are basically interchangeable, but there are some distinct differences if you want to get technical. Preternatural means beyond natural, but still explainable. I need blood and you need flesh to survive. We are mostly alive, for all intents and purposes. Supernatural means not natural at all. Think of ghosts, poltergeists, banshees, etc. They don’t need to eat, drink, sleep, or fuck. They just exist. Most mortals, preters, and supes call anything not human or above human supernatural. Easier that way, I suppose.”
“I do believe that is the best explanation I have heard on the subject yet,” Doc Jim said.
“What about angels and demons?” Depweg asked.
“Though they can technically fall under the supernatural category, they are specifically celestial in nature. Slightly different.”
“You impress me still, John the Vampire,” Doctor James Hunt said.
“Deppyweg,” I spoke, turning to Depweg, “we need to invite Doc Jim here to Risk night. I like him.”
“I’m good with that,” Depweg said.
“It is settled!” I proclaimed in an obnoxiously loud British voice. “We have just gotten the Rick and Morty version delivered! Doc, what is your cellular telephone number? I shall add it forthwith!”
“Here,” Depweg said as he leaned on his cane while pulling out his phone. After a few punches and some swipes, both Doc’s phone and mine vibrated. “I just shared your contacts with each other.”
“Neat!” I said. “Ain’t technology grand?”
“Time to go, John. We’ve taken enough of Doctor Jim’s time. Plus, I haven’t eaten yet, and I need to heal.”
With an awkward handshake, fist bump, palm-slidey motion in which Doc did his best to entertain, I removed the tubes and began walking to the front.
Doc Jim cleared his throat, loudly. I turned to him and looked at his hand, which was extended, palm up.
“Oh, right. Money,” I said as I reached for my wallet.
Depweg leaned in to whisper in my ear, “He doesn’t have a set price, but keep in mind he is the only one in the region who can do this type of work.”
“The tools aren’t cheap,” Doc said. “Plus, it is past my bedtime,” he finished with a playful smile, pleased with his own joke.
I managed to pull out a small handful of bills, which felt completely inadequate. Doc could see this on my face and said, “I accept Bitcoin.”
“Thank Lilith!” I exclaimed as I pulled out my phone. “I had Da invest in this a long time ago. I honestly believe the supernatural community is single-handedly keeping cryptocurrency alive. Text me your code.” With a few moves of his nimble thumbs, a text popped up on my screen containing a 64-digit address that I copied and pasted into my trading platform. I decided to reward my new friend by sending him over $50,000. “Use this to expand your facility and make room for supplies just for me, like a freezer for the blood I’m going to have sent to you.”
“Very good. Thank you for your patronage,” Doc Jim said with a smile as I walked outside.
As we got to the parking lot, I pulled out my keys and looked around confused. I clicked the lock button several times while my head pivoted as if on a swivel.
“Oh! Right. Rhino monster,” I remembered as I dropped my keys on a sewer grate in the parking lot. “Won’t be needing those again.”
“Weren’t your storage keys on that ring?” Depweg asked.
My head shot downward to the blackness that was the sewer as an aggressively annoyed and elongated sigh left my mouth.
“Lilith damn it,” I said slowly while running the palm of my hand down my face. “Screw it. I’ll get another set made.”
When I pulled my hand away, I could see the tendrils of sun starting to crest on the horizon.
“Ah, shit. Time to go, man,” I said while pointing at the horizon. “I’ll take the scenic route. You good?” I asked as I oriented in the direction of home.
“Yeah, man. I’ll snag an Uber,” he answered as he pulled his phone out.
“Sweet. Catch ya later!” I said as I began bounding away. The wind ripped at my face, so I manifested a snug-fitting bloodhelmet with little slits to keep the bugs from smashing into my face at ludicrous speed. I was sure that if a mortal’s eyes could see me, I
would be quite the sight. Single ab sticking out from my trench coat since my shirt had been cut off, and with a helmet befitting something from a video game, soaring over houses.
In a few minutes, I arrived to the cemetery that was my home. I sent out my senses to feel for anything out of the ordinary before making my way to my mausoleum. After moving stones and pushing buttons, I made my way downstairs and inside my Fortress of Solitaire.
“Honey, I’m hooooo—” I started but was interrupted by Locke, who all but screamed, “About time! Look what he’s done to me!”
I scanned the living room, where I saw Da sitting on the couch watching a how-to video on his iPad. In his little hand was a makeup brush. Next to him was a sexy mannequin body with Locke’s head fastened at the top. His face was covered in makeup that had been applied by the equivalent of a five-year-old.
Stifling a laugh, I asked Da, “What are you doing?”
“He spoke to me like a bitch, now he looks like a bitch,” Da said with complete seriousness.
“You wouldn’t dare touch me if I had my body,” Locke said angrily.
“You have a body,” Da responded. He stopped applying the stuff that made cheeks look rosy (I’m a dude; I don’t know what it’s called), and looked Locke in his now pretty face. “Let’s pretend that you did have your body, warlock. You would be in the precise same predicament as you find yourself now.” As he said this, Da’s eyes began to glow white.
“Don’t mess with the Fae, dude,” I told Locke as I plopped into the recliner closer to the couch. I set my feet on the coffee table and picked up the controller to the Xbox.
“Could you at least make it look even?” Locke said placatingly. I was pretty impressed with his ability to read the situation and control his pride. Not sure I would have been able to do the same.
“Where did you get the mannequin?” I asked Da as I thumbed over to the Netflix icon. Titus from Unbreakable was my avatar, and it made me giggle each time I saw it.
“Amazon. Same-day shipping,” Da said as he turned to me, seeing my clothes for the first time. “What did you do now?” His eyes narrowed at the puckering purple protrusions on my torso.