Chapter 2
His telling was painstakingly slow, as he tried to make sense out of it himself, but I resisted the urge to hurry him. He had gotten up late, around 11:30; after all this was his spring break and we were staying home this year. Instead of taking a vacation now, we were planning to drive up to Toronto right after he finished his finals to bring Gabby back for his high school graduation. Janey, one of his friends, had called him to see if he’d go to the mall with her, but he’d told her he was just going to stay home and mess around on the computer - do some research for his senior essay, and try to catch up on his email. And that was what he had planned to do. He said he had found some really good material on both the positive and negative psychological effects of video games in children, which was the topic of his senior essay. He was taking notes on an article when the doorbell rang.
He hadn’t showered or changed yet, and was dressed only in his boxers, which he always sleeps in. (I couldn’t imagine why he was telling me what he was wearing, but I didn’t interrupt to ask him.) When he opened the door, he was quite surprised to see Lily Becker standing at the door. Lily is an acquaintance of mine who from time to time, appears at my front door for a visit. She is an attractive woman with a gorgeous figure. She seems to have a perpetual tan, and has short, dark hair styled in a manner that only she could wear. Her resemblance to Halley Berry is strong. She could easily pass as being in her early thirties, but she’s ten years older than that. Lily seems to think that because she is divorced and I am a widow, we automatically have a connection. I met her about three years ago at one of those gourmet kitchen utensil parties. She has one son, several years younger than Jonathan, who spends half of every week with his father, and she doesn’t work. She seems unaware that most of the people in this world do work, and she has a habit of showing up unannounced at unusual times. Although I’ve never treated her rudely, I’ve never encouraged her visits, either. Frankly, I never felt we had much in common, other than being unmarried. Jonathan continued telling me how he answered the door….
“Mrs. Becker! My mom isn’t here…she’s at the office.” Jonathan said he stood in the front doorway without fully opening the door, hoping she would just leave. He always referred to her as my “flaky” friend, one he’d rather avoid.
“Oh, really? Is she at the real estate office?” I am a realtor, so it was a good guess on her part.
“That’s right,” Jonathan told her. When she didn’t make an effort to leave, he said, “Do you need to talk to her? I can give you the telephone number to her office.”
“Well, Jonathan, do you mind if I come in?” Lily hadn’t waited for him to answer; she just pushed the door open, walked right past him and into the house.
Lily kept right on talking, as she went into the house. She’s the kind of person who doesn’t seem to read messages from those she’s around very well; probably one of the reasons Jonathan considered her a flake. “Actually, Jonathan, I came over because I wanted to ask your mother’s opinion about something. But since she’s not here, I guess I’ll ask you. In fact, I think I’d rather have your opinion anyway, since I just wasn’t sure that this was too young for me. Who would be a better judge of that than a handsome young man like you?”
Jonathan had no idea what she was talking about. He just looked at Lily, who didn’t look back at him. She had walked through the foyer and into the kitchen as she spoke. She was in the family room now, and as she tossed her handbag on the couch, she twirled around and said, “How do you like the outfit, Jonathan? I just can’t make my mind up if it’s right for me.”
“It looks nice, Mrs. Becker. But my mom’s a much better judge of women’s stuff than I am.”
“Oh, you can call me Lily. You haven’t seen it all yet, Jonathan. There’s more, and I really want to know what you think…” She began to untie some part of the dress, which Jonathan described as a sort of wrap dress with ties on the sides. Before he knew it, Lily was standing in the middle of the family room, dressed in a string bikini. Again, she twirled around in front of Jonathan, and asked him what he thought.
He felt dumbstruck…he’d never seen a forty-something year old woman in a bikini before. She was pretty “ripped,” he told me, and she began doing a little flexing routine to show off her muscular build. I’ve heard Lily spends a couple of hours a day at the gym, but I’d never seen her in a bikini. It wasn’t hard to imagine that she had quite a sculpted body; just her biceps alone were the subject of conversations among some of the women I know. They were better than Michelle Obama’s.
“What do you think?” She asked him again, and she started getting closer to him. Jonathan was becoming uncomfortable, and he picked up her dress from the floor where it had fallen when she took it off.
“Here, Mrs. Becker.” He tried to hand her dress back to her, but she merely took it from his hands and tossed it on the couch next to her handbag.
“Jonathan, you haven’t told me what you think! Do most of your little girl friends have a body like this? Here feel this bicep….” She took his hand and placed it on the muscle of her arm, but Jonathan took it away immediately. She took it again, this time putting it on her waist, and began massaging her navel with his hand. “You are one fine looking guy, Jonathan. Why don’t you bring me upstairs to your room? I could show you …”
Jonathan stopped her conversation at that comment, took his hand from hers, and handed the dress and handbag to her. She didn’t take them, but instead she began untying the top to her bikini.
“Please stop that, Mrs. Becker. Just leave. I’ll never tell anyone about this. Please, Mrs. Becker.”
Lily stood in front him; now one breast was bared. “Come on, Jonathan, call me Lily. You must want to touch just a little.”
Jonathan stopped talking for a few moments, and took a deep breath. I remained silent, shocked about what he was telling me, and unsure of how this story was going to end. After a little rest, he continued.
Jonathan walked back through the family room towards the front door. “You’re making me very uncomfortable, Mrs. Becker. If you don’t want to leave, I guess I’ll just have to leave myself.” He stopped as he put his hand on the doorknob.
Now Lily began to realize that her desires weren’t going to be met here today. She retied her bathing suit top, and slowly began to rewrap her dress, talking all the time.
“Jonathan, you are the first young man who has turned me down. Certainly Matt Gerek had no problem with my approach, and Omar couldn’t get enough of me. What is your problem? It isn’t every day that a boy your age has an offer like this. I can’t believe you’ve turned me down.”
Jonathan just looked at her, saying nothing at all. (Maybe he inherited that from me – not speaking at a time like this.) “You know, I don’t even see any desire in your face. I know it’s not because I’m not desirable, so what is the problem here?”
Still Jonathan said nothing. It apparently drove Lily crazy, because the next thing Jonathan knew, she was tugging at all the ties on her clothes, and she stood stark naked in front of him. “I’m not going to take no for an answer! I need a little, and I know you’ve got something to give me.” She was next to him in an instant, and began groping him through his boxers.
“STOP!” Jonathan yelled. “Go home! I’m not interested, Mrs. Becker. Please get your clothes and go home!”
“Jonathan, the only other man who has ever turned this down is my ex-husband, and no wonder there! The man is a homosexual! Gay! He doesn’t desire any woman. I’m beginning to think that might be your problem, too. How can you turn this down?”
Jonathan said Lily was becoming more and more agitated as she spoke. He didn’t know what to say to her. He described to me how he just stood, sort of at angle to her so he didn’t have to watch her get dressed. She began getting louder and louder, “You probably are gay, aren’t you, Jonathan? How else could you turn me down? The only other man
who has turned me down was gay. Is that it? Are you gay?” She was practically shouting now, but became deadly silent after asking that question.
Jonathan turned to face her. “Yes, I am, Mrs. Becker,” he said quietly. Then he walked up the stairs to his bedroom and shut the door. He said he was trembling, but just stood with his back up against the door, waiting to hear the front door close behind Lily as she left. He waited and waited; it seemed like a very long time had passed, but never heard the door close. He said he wanted to collapse on his bed, but not until she was gone. Suddenly, he felt a force up against his bedroom door, and there was Lily again, stark naked and raving like a lunatic. She lunged at him and together they fell on his bed. “You will want me! I’ll show you what it’s like to have a woman, and you’ll never want anything else again. Let me show you, Jonathan. I couldn’t change my husband, but let me change you.” She was half pleading and half screaming.
He said she was quite strong; her muscular physique was more than for show. But he managed to push her off him and grab the pair of jeans he had left on the floor last night. He ran down the stairs and out the front door, only then pausing long enough to put the jeans on. He began jogging down the street toward the park, but he could still hear Lily going crazy, shouting that she could change any “homo” into a real man.
Jonathan sat in the park, dressed only in his jeans with bare feet, for nearly two hours. He checked every now and then to see if Lily’s car had left, but she stayed in the house for a long time. He couldn’t believe what he’d just been through. He kept replaying it in his mind, trying to make the ending different. But this had happened. Finally, when he looked down the street, he saw that her car was gone. He waited a little longer before he walked back home, afraid of what he might find.
“When I came in, I couldn’t tell she had been here. Nothing was disturbed, and with all her yelling, I thought it might be a mess in here.” Jonathan paused again, and took a deep breath this time, before continuing. “I really haven’t done a whole lot the rest of the day, Mom,” he said, and he was finished telling about his horrible experience. “I haven’t been able to figure out what she did after I left; it doesn’t seem like she did anything in here at all, although it took her forever to leave. After I looked around and couldn’t find anything obvious, I locked the doors and took a long shower, watched TV, never answered the phone once. I’ve always known that being gay isn’t going to be okay with everyone, but I never anticipated anything like this!” He just looked at me, but the room was growing dark now, so I couldn’t really see the emotion in his eyes. “And I am sorry that I never told you before.”
“Jonathan, don’t you dare say you’re sorry about any of this!” That was the first thing that I said. I knew that he had gone through an earth shattering experience today, and I was keenly aware that I had no experience of my own to compare with this… I couldn’t help but wonder aloud, “Do you think this is the end of this? I mean, do you think you’ve seen the last of Lily?”
He shook his head no. “I know I haven’t. She’s called and left two messages on the answering machine for me already! In the first one, she said she just knows that she can ‘change’ me if I’ll give her a chance. The second one was an apology, telling me her behavior was unforgiveable. I never knew that was why she and Mr. Becker were divorced, did you?”
“No,” I answered honestly. “Lily simply refers to him as her ex, and she never says much more, except I know she’s not happy about the joint custody. She has told me she can’t believe the judge went along with it, but she’s never explained the circumstances of their divorce. Her son, Danny, doesn’t seem to suffer from the arrangement.” I stopped talking, aware that I was practically rambling when Jonathan had been through such a tumultuous experience. I thought to myself, ‘What exactly had I meant about Danny not suffering?’ Out loud, I said, “I’m sorry, Jonathan. I didn’t mean to go on like that. I’m not really sure what we should be doing right now. Actually, what you’ve been through today could be a legal issue, aside from the unbelievable amount of emotional distress it’s caused you. What did Lily say in her second message?”
“Legal issue? What do you mean?”
“Well, from what you’ve told me, Lily practically assaulted you, and with the phone calls, it seems she’s stalking you, too. We could get a restraining order against her…”
“I don’t think we should do that, Mom. I don’t think she’s dangerous or anything. I think this just a very tough subject for her. Her second message was very different. She was crying and apologizing like crazy, saying she was ashamed she had acted like that.” My son’s compassion, even after what had happened to him, was unbelievable. He continued, this time a little less compassionately, “I hadn’t realized she was making the rounds with some of my classmates!”
“I’d heard a story or two, but I never believed it was true. I just figured it was jealous people talking…she’s such a beautiful woman. I guess you’re right; we don’t need to turn this into a legal issue. After I’ve had some time to calm down, I’d like to try to talk to Lily.”
“I don’t want to be around when you do that. I’ll hook up with Janey or something then…”
“I don’t think you should be around then, either, Jonathan. You and I have a lot to talk about, don’t we? Shall we have some dinner? I stopped at the store and bought some chicken…” One thing we enjoy doing together was cooking. Jonathan frequently helped me make dinner, and although I love to cook, he has much more talent with food than I do.
Jonathan shook his head. “I’m just not too hungry tonight. I don’t even think I feel like talking any more. I think I’ll just drive over to the track and run some laps.”
We both stood up, and he gave me a little hug. I wanted to keep hugging him, give him a huge, let-me-take-this problem from you hug, and I really wanted to talk some more, but it was clear that Jonathan was finished talking for tonight. He left, and as I began putting the bag of groceries away, I reflected on our conversation. He had talked to me more tonight than he had in a long time. I had considered it normal for boys his age not to talk much to their parents, but now I wondered. Was his distance from me more because he hadn’t been able to tell me about his sexuality? How awful was it for him to feel it was going to devastate me, to feel he had to keep it secret! After thinking about that, I didn’t feel like cooking for myself, so instead of dinner, I dished myself up some chocolate swirl ice cream and sat at the kitchen table, trying to think things through.
I sat across from the sliding glass door, and, now that it was dark outside, I could see my reflection in it as if it were a mirror. I looked at myself and saw “average me.” Everything about my looks seems to fit into the average category, although at the moment I didn’t feel very average. I couldn’t help wonder what the average mother of an eighteen year old gay young man looked like…Then I reproached myself for having such a thought, and went back to considering my very average looks before I allowed myself to ponder what had happened to Jonathan. At five foot four, I’m an average height, and I’m neither fat nor thin, although that will change if I have ice cream for dinner often. My eyes are medium brown, as is my hair, which is a medium length. I like to pull it back into a short pony tail with barrettes or ribbons that match my clothes. That’s about my only fashion statement. I don’t really have much flair for dressing, although I admire women who have a particular style…women like Lily Becker.
Mom, I'm Gay Page 2