by ERIN BEDFORD
His words were supposed to comfort me, but they only made my anxiety heighten. I hadn't told anyone, I wouldn't dare. I barely even had the courage to admit it to myself, but I wasn't even sure I wanted to be Misses Lewis Carroll. I would no longer be known as Alice Liddell and would always be referred to as Lewis's wife. The very thought of it made my breath quicken.
“Are you alright?” my brother asked, concern coloring his face.
I nodded but didn't speak. I couldn't find the air to.
“She's going to faint,” Rhoda announced, rushing to my side. “Let's get her to the window. She needs fresh air.”
The two of them took me by the arms and helped me to a seat near the window, opening it up so that the warm August air poured inside. Rhoda stood behind me, smoothing a hand over my back in slow circles.
“That's it. Slow deep breaths. You'll be alright.”
I did as she directed, staring hard at the floor beds outside the window. The wedding was being held on Lewis's estate which had a massive garden in the back. I had mentioned a wondrous flower garden I had seen in Wonderland once to Lewis, and he insisted we have one just like it for our wedding.
I should be grateful, but at that moment, all I could think of was the suffocating pressure of it all. As Alice Liddell, I could do and say whatever I liked, not many cared for the thoughts of a mad woman, but soon I would no longer be her. Or I mean, me. I'd be his wife, and that entailed so many more things than I knew what to do with.
“Have you caught your breath?” Rhoda asked, and I nodded. “Freddie, why don't you go on out? Give Alice a moment to collect herself. We'll follow shortly.”
Fredrick’s footstep moved away and then the door closed. Rhoda and I stayed by the window for a few moments longer, neither of us speaking. Then just when I was about to tell her I was ready, voices came near the window from below.
“I don't understand why you are marrying that mad girl.” The voice belonged to Lewis's friend, Bart, a ghastly man who stared far too long at my little sister. “At least, marry the spinster. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders even if she’s a bit older.”
Rhoda and I exchanged a silent look, leaning close to the edge to hear my soon-to-be husband's response.
“Alice is perfectly handsome.” At Lewis's words, Rhoda grinned at me. “Besides, I do not need a spinster with her nose in a book. Maybe for after I’ve written mine, but that will never happen if I don't marry Alice.” Lewis sounded exasperated as if he were tired of having to explain himself.
My brow furrowed in confusion. What book? I had never heard of Lewis writing a book.
“But why marry her? Don't you have enough material from her Wonderland nonsense? You could string her along for a few more months and then find someone more suitable.”
I gasped, my hand going to my mouth. My eyes slowly turned to meet Rhoda. Her eyes reflected the horror in mine. Anger and confusion swirled inside of me, but I held them down until I could hear what else Lewis had to say.
“I am not a complete bastard.” Well, that was soon to be determined. “I have strung her along for too many months as it is. People were starting to talk. If I don't marry her now, then she will have no hope for other prospects even if I cast her aside for someone else.”
“Well, then.” Bart slapped Lewis on the shoulder. “For your sake, I hope your new wife is a wanton thing and finds a lover quickly, then you can divorce her and be done with it.”
The men continued to argue as they moved away from the house and toward the wedding party further inside the garden hedges. It was good and well because the fury inside of me, one I never knew I had, was ready to jump over the railing and pounce on their heads.
The audacity. The sheer abhorrence of that man. How dare he think that he could use me that way? My stories were not for his personal gain. They were mine and my father’s. It was the one thing I had with him that no one else did. I could keep his attention with no end just by telling him of the wondrous things I saw while I dreamed. And for Lewis to take that… to corrupt it for his personal gain? I couldn’t forgive him.
“Alice?” Rhoda placed a hand on my shoulder. “There are worse reasons for someone to marry. It doesn’t have to be the end. Perhaps this will be the start of your own fantastical love story?” She smiled at me then, patting my shoulder. “Two unlikely people come together for their own reasons only to find love in the end. Doesn’t that sound like the perfect sort of fairy tale?”
Yes, if that were the likely ending. I already knew how this story would end. Lewis would get his story, and I would be a divorcee. I’d never get a chance to marry again, and society would shun me. I could only pray we didn’t have children before that point. I didn’t worry about being caught cheating on my husband as Bart had hoped.
At this point, I never wanted to look at another man again.
Remembering my sister was waiting for an answer, I swallowed hard and nodded. “Of course. Can you give me a moment? I want to pray before the wedding.”
“Certainly.” Rhoda kissed my cheek before moving away. My eyes stayed on the garden outside, the wedding guests’ voices drifting toward me in the air. The garden, once beautiful to my eyes, might as well have been dead and burned for all it stood for now.
“Alice?” Rhoda’s voice said, quiet and unsure.
I turned my gaze away slightly. I thought she had left.
“You can make your own path. You are only trapped if you want to be.” She cleared her throat and shifted uncomfortably. “I’ll give you a moment.”
My lips tipped down at my sister’s advice, my eyes turning back to the gardens before me. I had no intention of praying. God shouldn’t have anything to do with the fury in my heart. I stared hard at the green hedges, the rainbow of colors that should never be tainted by this day. With a sad sigh, I turned from the scene, but a movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention.
Spinning back around, my eyes narrowed, searching for the movement. There! A speck of white. A hint of a long ear. Now normally, I would just brush aside the sight of a rabbit in a garden. There really wasn’t much remarkable about a rabbit.
However…
When the rabbit stopped at the edge of the hedges just a few feet from my window, giving me a clear view of him, I paused. My eyes widened, and I rubbed them, thinking I must have dozed off. But no, it was still there. The rabbit in a waistcoat. As if sensing me staring at it, he lifted up a pocket watch and tapped it, giving me a chastising wag of his finger, before darting off into the bushes.
What in the world?
Turning away from the window, I sped for the door. Not worried about being seen, I pulled open the door and headed down the stairs. My sister Rhoda stood in the salon, her eyes shooting to me as I made my way down the hallway and toward the back door.
“Alice?” she called out to me, but I ignored her, holding my long skirt in my hands as I picked up my pace.
I could still hear her voice still calling after me even as I pushed the back door open and stepped out into the garden. My eyes scanned the garden searching for the rabbit, but it was gone. I stomped my foot and growled.
“There you are.” Rhoda breathed, grabbing my arm. “I was calling your name, didn’t hear me?”
“Sorry.” I only half turned toward her, my eyes still searching for the rabbit. “I thought I saw something.”
“Oh, Alice.” She breathed, brushed my hair away from my face. “Let’s not start that again. Everyone is waiting for you.” She looped her arm with mine and directed me toward the opening of the hedge garden where Fredrick waited.
“Alice, there you are.” He took me from our sister and turned us toward the entrance of the wedding party. “I was beginning to think I’d be walking down the aisle alone. Wouldn’t that be a sight?” he jested, trying to urge a smile from me.
I obliged, giving him a tight grin. “I’m here now.”
“Well, then.” Fredrick exchanged a worried look with Rhoda before inclini
ng his head toward the garden. “You should take your seat. We’ll be along shortly.”
“Right.” Rhoda hugged me slightly before disappearing into the garden.
My grip tightened on Fredrick’s arm, and I licked my lips. Was I really going to go through with this? Could I? I’d never get another chance at marriage, but what Lewis had said still stabbed at my heart. It would be one thing to be marrying me for my money, which I had none, but Wonderland was precious. I couldn’t just hand it over to him, could I?
“Alice? Alice.” Fredrick squeezed my arm, jerking my eyes to his face. “It’s time.”
The wedding procession began, and our feet started to move. A part of me only half-realized what I was doing. The other half told me it was okay, that this was what was expected of me. I wouldn’t be a burden anymore even if Lewis never learned to love me.
My feet hit the carpeted runner, and the eyes of our guests shifted toward me. I could feel them on me, boring into my clothing and skin, wiggling around like worms under my flesh. My fingernails bit into Fredrick’s arm, but if it bothered him, he didn’t show it.
We moved up the aisle one torturous step at a time. At the end of the path, Lewis stood with the magistrate. His hands were folded in front of him, his eyes focused on me. A small smile sat on his face as if he hadn’t been talking about divorcing me not ten minutes ago. The reminder made the forced expression of joy on my face falter. I pushed it back up before anyone could notice.
When we came to the end of the line, something moved to the left of me. The rabbit again. My eyes jumped between it and the altar. Closer now, I could see the rabbit wasn’t quite like any other I’d ever seen. His ears hung down to his feet, and the claws holding the pocket watch were long and sharp. The irritable expression on his face went along with the long, short-haired tail that tapped the ground, its fluffy end the only rabbit-like feature.
“Alice.” Fredrick hissed in my ear, turning my attention from the rabbit back to the man I was about to marry.
Lewis stood there with his brows raised, a bemused expression on his face. He thought my behavior was funny, did he? Where his confusion might have made me laugh in other situations, this time it only fueled my anger. Well, let’s see how amused he would be by this.
Jerking my arm free of Fredrick, I stumbled away from him. Passing my horrified mother and a smirking Violet, Rhoda was the only one who didn’t seem surprised by my actions, but I only spared her a brief look before chasing after the white rabbit.
THE GASPS OF HORROR followed me as I ducked into the hedge garden surrounding the wedding party. I could hear the shouts of my family calling me back, but I ignored them, my eyes set on the rabbit creature hopping at lightning speed just before me.
It dodged, I weaved. The chase carried on through an archway and into a part of the garden I’d never seen before. Here, the hedges were closer together, and a dark, ominous foreboding came over me as my feet kept pace with the rabbit. When the hedges gave way to a large tree in the center of a pretty courtyard, I slowed.
My head turned this way and that, taking in the surrounding area. This was new. I could have sworn I’d walked every inch of this garden, if not with Lewis than with one of my sisters. Scowling at my lack of memory of it, I glanced down at my dress. Dirt and sticks from my run had caught onto the lace fabric, tearing it in a few places.
“And Violet wanted me to wear white,” I muttered to myself, pulling at the sticks and tossing them aside.
A thud followed by a breaking of branches drew my attention. My head jolted to the tree in front of me, my eyes widening as the rabbit creature crept closer to me. His nose twitched, and his beady black eyes gleamed, his tail moving back and forth like a clock pendulum.
“Hello there,” I lowered my voice to a non-threatening whisper, holding my hand out to it to sniff. “What’s your name?”
The rabbit cocked his head to the side, staring hard at my hand. “I’m not going to lick your hand, if that’s what you’re going for.”
Startled, I pulled my hand back. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you could speak.” I sank to the ground, spreading my skirt out around me. “I’m Alice. Alice Liddell.” I paused and then muttered. “Well, for now.”
“I know who you are, why else would I have come?” The rabbit made an impatient sound, clacking his sharp fangs against one another. “I’m Watch, and you’re late.”
“Watch?” I peered down at him. “That’s a curious name.”
“Well, it’s not my only name, but the only one you’re getting.” He turned and waved an arm over his shoulder. “Are you coming or not?”
Frowning at the talking rabbit, I hesitated. Was this a dream? Had I fallen asleep by the window, having gone into shock from Lewis’s words? I glanced back from the way I had come, listening for anyone coming after me. When I heard nothing, I shrugged.
What did it matter? If it were a dream, I’d wake up by the end, and if anything, it’ll give me time to figure out what to actually do about my situation. However, if it wasn’t, then the problem was moot in any case.
“Alice,” Watch snapped, already near the trunk of the tree, “time is almost up. You must decide.”
Not waiting another moment, I climbed to my feet and hurried after him. “I’m coming.”
Watch didn’t wait for me before jumping into a hole at the base of the tree. A little, startled noise left me, and I rushed to where he had fallen. The hole was no bigger than my head, far too small for me to fit into or even that rabbit.
Leaning forward, I tried to peer into the hole without falling in, but the moment I came close to the opening, a sucking sensation overcame me. A scream ripped from my throat. My body squeezed and forced into the small hole, and I thought for a scary moment that I might be crushed to death. Then, before I knew it, I was thrown out the other side.
Breathing heavily, my heart pounding against my chest in rapid fire, I didn’t bother trying to sit up from where I laid on the floor. The cold ground felt good pressed to my hot cheeks, despite the solid surface. A drowning quiet filled my ears, different from in the garden where there were the sounds of animals and people. Even a breeze made a sound, and it was that silence that alerted me to the conundrum I was in.
I lifted my head briefly. My eyes blinked open, wincing against the bright white before me. The floor was white. The ceiling and even the walls, if what I saw actually were walls, were all white, a startling white that burned the eyes.
“Are you going to lay there all day?” a squawking voice snapped at me from a little bit away.
“I figure she is because she’s not moving. Perhaps she’s dead?” another voice much like the other commented, though a bit too gleeful at the prospect of my demise.
“If so, we could eat her. We haven’t had human in a while,” the first voice announced, and with that, I was on my feet in a flash.
“I’m alive. No one is eating me.” My words fell off my lips as my eyes found the ones who had spoken… or rather things. More talking animals. Now I was sure I was in one of my dreams.
A two-headed bird wearing an orange dress covered in embroidered flowers sat behind a wooden desk. A pair of spectacles sat on each of their faces, the faces that had beaks and feathers instead of hair. Beady eyes watched me with a sharp precision only a predator would use. At my words, they harrumphed and placed their feathered wings on their large hips.
“Well, if you would stop lying around like road kill then you wouldn’t have an issue, now would you?” the left head said, waving her feathered wing at me.
“Roadkill?” I arched a brow at them.
Not answering my question, the right head shoved a board with a paper attached to it. “Sign in. Then some questions will be answered.”
I picked up the board and stared down at the page. Columns for name, date, and realm were written across the top of the page. Beneath that was several scribbled names, one of which belonged to Watch. Where did that rabbit get off to?
But I didn’t ask what I was thinking.
“Where am I?” My eyes moved from the page to the area around us, still an empty white nothing surrounded us. Only the circular desk with the two-headed bird woman broke up the endless white.
The two exchanged a look before the one on the left answered, “The Between.”
“Between?” My brow rose exponentially. “Between what?”
The head on the right squawked loudly in what I thought to be a laugh. “Why, everything. Where else would you put a between?”
I pointed the pen around us. “What’s on the other side of this between?” And how in the world did I get out of it? The last part I didn’t ask. I was already pushing my luck as it was with the two before me… or would it be one?
“Well, that depends on where you want to go,” the right head answered with a snap of her beak.
I didn’t know where I wanted to go, only that I had been searching for something. What had I been searching for? Oh, yes.
“Have you seen a rabbit around here?” I asked, remembering my original course. “He said his name was Watch.”
The head on the left scratched its chin and then turned to itself. “Type, did you see a rabbit?”
“No, Gripe. The only person who came through here was that Opalaught. What was his name?” Type asked her other head, searching around the area.
“An opalaught?” I raised a brow. “What’s an opalaught?”
Ignoring me once more, Gripe answered, “That one’s name was maybe something like Clock? Tick? Something to do with time, I’m sure.”
Frustrated by their blatant disregard and overall silliness, I slammed the board on the counter. “Watch. The rabbit’s, I mean, opalaught’s name is Watch. Now, which way did he go?”
The two of them stopped jabbering to themselves and stared at me. After a long, tense moment, Gripe pointed a finger at a door behind her.
Hold on. A door? When did that show up?
I glanced around me and realized there were more doors. “Where did those come from?”