‘You’re an asswipe of a friend, Trip.’
‘No, I’m the best sort of friend…’ He lifted his hand and smacked the top of my arm as if to drive his message home. ‘And you know it. This, as I see it, is your chance at a real life, a chance to no longer be a sideliner who watches everyone else live and I’m the friend who’s making you take it. This is only one night, but watching the two of you it’s fairly evident that it could be more… We’re helping you to understand that.’ As his words hit home, I knew he meant him and my grandmother.
‘We’re not…’ I was shaking my head at him, but couldn’t find the words to describe what Bee and I weren’t.
No fucking way was I accepting this.
I had never felt so confused in all my life.
‘The water’s still warm.’ Bee’s shrill voice, childlike in its exuberance, broke through my reluctance at being backed into a corner and the joy captured within it warmed my insides. I turned my head to look at her. She was holding her flip-flops in one hand and jumping in and out of the gentle waves that were washing over her feet as she waited for me to go with her to the island.
It was one night.
Surely, I could cope with one night.
I couldn’t deny her that, could I?
‘Wait up,’ I called over to her and with a nod of my head in thanks to Kendall and Trip as they climbed back into the jeep, I left our bags on the sand and jogged over to my wife who was stood up to the middle of her shins in the calm water. I kicked off my sliders and entered the sea next to her.
As I appeared beside her, she turned her head to look at me and for the first time all day I permitted myself to look back at her properly. Her long blonde hair was blowing in the warm breeze that danced around us. I watched as a piece of her hair whipped into her mouth and lifted my hand to pull it free with my fingers. Then without thinking, I gently caressed her cheek with my thumb before I took my hand away. Her eyes sparkled, the blues and greens captured there welcomed and invited me in further.
I watched as she smiled at me and it totally blew me away.
As I absorbed her smile, in that nanosecond I knew all the promises and bargains I’d made with myself and the devil overnight had just flown out of the window.
Without any further thought I moved quickly, and needing to feel her against me I swung her high up into my arms. With no words of disapproval coming from her mouth at my lack of attention over the past few hours or with my actions now appearing like a complete U-turn on my part, I smiled down at her thankful of her acceptance.
I gave her a real smile, one I knew she would understand and then with my eyes refocussing on the journey in front of us, I began to wade carefully through the rising water.
‘They’re driving away now, you can stop pretending,’ she whispered up to me and at the same time proffered a wave of her hand behind us.
I could hear the fragility in her voice as she gave me the information that she thought I wanted to hear.
‘I’m not pretending, Bee. You’re in my arms and it’s right where I want you to be.’ My own honesty floored me.
What the fuck was it about this woman?
‘Look at me,’ she demanded.
Slowly, after first checking our path was clear enough, I took in a deep breath and made my eyes look down to find hers.
‘Thank you, that means a lot.’
‘I have nothing to offer you,’ I reminded her.
‘We have tonight and for now it’s enough.’
Chapter Twenty-Three
Bee
I unfastened the toggles on the large circular structure that was apparently our tent for the night and apprehensively peered inside. The space was lit by one lamp hanging from the centre of the roof. A comfortable looking double sized bed dominated the space. This was obviously the “glamping” I had heard other people talk about. The tent was furnished with not only the bed but also a couple of rugs and what looked like an old-fashioned washstand to one side. The bed was already made up and the whole space was a far cry from the couple of nights I’d spent camping out before in the English countryside. In my head I could still smell the damp, musty smell of the sleeping bag I’d shared with Brody and the tantalising aroma of the sausages my dad had sat out in the rain under an umbrella cooking for us.
My heart pounded with the memories of once being young and unaffected by the hurt and disappointments of the world. But, once again, I appreciated that the memory had made me smile and that it was the second time that had happened to me since Nico had pulled me out of my downward spiral in Vegas. I made a mental note to mention it to my therapist, Mrs. Davison, next time I saw her. It would be wonderful to think I could look back on my childhood memories occasionally without the ugliness and hurt which normally accompanied them.
I let go of the canvas flap, let it fall back into place and turned around to watch Nico wading back through the rising water with one of our bags on each of his shoulders. Trip hadn’t been wrong when he’d said that the tide was coming in fast. The bottom of Nico’s shorts were getting soaked with every step forward. With my heart beating ever faster, I watched totally mesmerised as the material stuck to his toned upper thighs and remembered back to this morning when I’d seen his naked body as he’d dressed in front of me.
Shortly we would be cut off and only reachable by boat and it was a nice thought to know that no one’s eyes would be on us and we would be truly alone for the twenty-four hours we were here. Hopefully that time would help us to unravel what was really happening between us.
With my eyes still watching Nico from my peripheral view, I bent down to adjust one of the large cushions that surrounded the already blazing fire pit which was situated in front of our tent. Near the fire pit were a couple of large cool boxes, which I was certain would contain the food we needed to cook this evening and tomorrow. Still trying to occupy myself I moved towards them and flicked open one of the catches to take a look inside.
‘Bee, quick grab your camera,’ Nico shouted out as he at last made it out of the water and ran across the last of the space in between us, before dumping our bags unceremoniously on the sand next to me.
Lifting my head to the sound of his voice I saw that the sun was just about to disappear behind the cliffs that surrounded us and understood immediately what he was talking about. Without answering him, I unzipped the compartment I needed and pulled out my camera. Looking around quickly, I worked out that standing on the water’s edge would offer me the best opportunity to photograph the stunning place as the sun retracted its warmth for the final time today. Still putting the strap of the case around my neck I ran towards the sea. When at last my feet found the water, I turned and lifted my camera to take the shots I wanted of the stunning beach with its pink shimmering sand and of the man who was stood watching the sunset with a childlike awe and rapture showing on his face.
I heard my camera relay the shots I wanted and then I removed my finger as the sun disappeared and we were once again bathed in the semi darkness. It seemed to me then, as I allowed my eyes to find Nico who was stood staring back at me, that this, like sunrise, was our time of day.
It was these periods of the day when we really seemed to communicate.
The strange almost eerie time between day and night, and night and day. Totally out of our control, when one thing was ending and another beginning, was the interval when he would truly allow us to be ourselves. In the light of the fire pit and the large torches he had just lit, a shiver ran over my body as I watched him run his eyes up and down me. Every hair on my body stood up in awareness as he swept his gaze appraisingly over me.
I lifted up my camera and took a couple of candid shots of the man as he stood motionless, unshackled from everything he had carried over to the island. But, what was even more amazing was that he looked like he was also unshackled from the life he lived in.
‘How they had managed to pull this off in the space of a few hours is beyond me.’ With my mouth now feeling unm
istakably dry I shouted over to him, needing to desperately break through the suddenly strange atmosphere that had surrounded us. It was something that I knew I’d never felt before and I didn’t know whether to accept it or to push it away.
Without replying Nico finally blinked a couple of times and cleared his throat, effectively severing the connection between us. As he bent over to the cool boxes to look for food, with his eyes no longer on me I righted myself. Rolling back onto my heels I comprehended that the longer he had stared at me the more my body had unwittingly leant itself in his direction, until finally I’d been up on my toes and leaning all of my weight towards him.
The push and pull between us was painful.
Suddenly, feeling out of place and wringing my hands together with the unexpected anxiety that had abruptly rushed through me, I placed my shaking legs one in front of the other and made my way back to him.
Not now, hold it together. This was why I was so bad at cards, eventually even though I tried so desperately hard to hold it all together my emotions came spilling out for all to see. I was so damn angry with myself I could scream.
‘I hope you eat seafood?’ he queried.
His head appeared from behind the lid of the box he had been looking inside and one eyebrow lifted up to me in question. I saw the moment he grasped that I was really struggling with what was going on between us. The lid was unceremoniously dropped back into place with a loud bang, he vaulted the firepit and after covering the empty ground between he wrapped his arms around me tightly.
‘I’m sorry, Bee.’
Tears began to roll down my face again.
‘What for?’ I questioned, all the time desperately hoping he wasn’t about to walk away.
‘All of this… I’ve never been in a relationship like this.’
‘A relationship? Are we actually a relationship?’ I questioned as I lifted my head to look up at him.
He sighed loudly as he thought what to say next. ‘You and I know that no matter how hard I try to fight it, we are.’ He looked down at me then like a young boy looking for acceptance. I watched him twist his head slightly over to one side and rub at the scruff on his chin as he tried hard to read what I was thinking.
I couldn’t help him. The whole of me was in turmoil. I didn’t know what I was thinking or even doing. The situation between us was a clusterfuck. I knew I wanted him and that I was willing to fight for him. Even with what he’d thrown at me this morning and knowing the man holding me to him had killed others, I still wanted him. He might believe he was evil incarnate, but I didn’t. I was instead convinced that he would have only taken a life if it was necessary to protect someone he loved.
But, when all was said and done, he needed to meet me halfway.
‘Go on,’ I encouraged.
‘Normally I take what I need from a woman, throw money at her and let her move on to someone else,’ he continued.
‘Mmmm… peachy,’ I uttered sarcastically.
He reached out and took hold of my hand and gently caressed the back of it with his thumb. My heart was beating so fast at his words and actions, I was sure he could feel it through my T-shirt.
‘What if they don’t want to move on?’ I lifted my other hand and placed it onto his hard chest. Grabbing hold of his T-shirt, I held on to it tightly and used it to pull my body closer to his. I pressed my forehead as close into him as I could possibly get and sniffed as I attempted to shelve my emotions once again.
‘They have no choice, it’s the only way I’ve ever functioned.’ His tone of voice let me know what he was saying was the truth.
‘Until now?’ I questioned hopefully.
‘I’d like to think so, but honestly, I have no idea… I’m sorry.’
‘What do you have to be sorry for? You saved me, Nico… you rescued me when I needed it the most, but now you need to let me in enough to reciprocate.’
‘You just don’t get it, do you? I can’t let you in, it’s pitch fucking black in here…like me you’d never find your way out.’ I watched as one of his hands came up and his index finger jabbed at his temple. ‘I’m trapped in here. I’m trapped in a hell of his and my own creation and the only thing that can release me is a bullet.’ His Italian accent had crept back into his voice and I’d already worked out that it only happened when he became emotional or angry.
‘DON’T. SAY. THAT!’ The tears that had only just dried up released themselves and sped rapidly down my cheeks, soaking into his T-shirt.
‘Whatever I am, and believe me I’m a lot of things, I always speak the truth and that’s the truth as I understand it.’
I lifted my head from his chest and stared up at him. ‘I don’t believe you. I see you, Nico, no matter how much you try to keep yourself at arm’s length. Forgiving yourself and accepting love from others will help you to find the light and the way out of the hell you say you reside in.’
His head tipped back, and his laughter pierced the silence around us. ‘I can’t be saved or rescued; it’s far too fucking late for me.’
‘Then let me love you,’ I whispered. ‘It’s never too late for love.’
His head tipped forward again. His chest expanded with the deep inhale he sucked in, his eyebrow lifted, and his eye narrowed on me. ‘Do you really think you could? I mean love a deranged bastard like me?’
‘I could love a man like you, Nico… I truly do believe that.’
For a few seconds, we just stood there wrapped up in each other’s arms staring intently at each other.
Finally, he broke through the silence.
‘Then God fucking help you, because I can’t push you away any longer, mio angelo… I’m not denying myself the light you bring into my life anymore… but when the darkness consumes me again and I break your heart, please don’t hate me… because I warned you all along it would happen.’
‘I could never hate you.’
‘Never is a long time… now give me those sweet lips of yours.’
With more gentleness than I thought a man like Nico could possess, his mouth found mine. My lips parted on demand and I welcomed all of him home. I welcomed the light, dark and everything in between. I offered him the love I believed he needed and hoped in time he would be able to love me back in return.
Once a gambling addict, always an addict. I knew it.
But so help me, I couldn’t help myself. I knew I was gambling and although this time it felt more dangerous, I just couldn’t stop. I felt that what we could possibly have was worth the risk and I had to try. Unlike before, I was now gambling with my heart and it meant far more to me than the empty life I had almost been willing myself to lose back in Vegas.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Bee
‘That was delicious.’ I wiped around my lips with the paper serviette Nico had put on my plate along with the jumbo-sized prawns and white fish he’d cooked over the fire. ‘You really are a very good cook.’
‘Thanks… although I have to be truthful, the green salad was one of Nonna’s.’
‘I know, I recognised the dressing.’ I smiled back at him and watched him run his hand over the two days’ worth of scruff that had now grown on his face as he thought over his next words. Since our arrival three hours ago and my subsequent emotional breakdown, we had only kissed the once, but he had made me sit down close to him while he had cooked for me and had attended to everything I needed.
‘Do you dance, Bee?’
‘I do… although, I mean… I can’t remember when I last did… but I can.’ I looked at him properly and saw the amusement on his face as he took in my mumbling. I watched him stand up and after brushing the sand off his shorts he held out his hand to me.
I took hold of his hand and felt the by now familiar zing that sped around my body as soon as our bare skin connected.
‘But there’s no music.’ I smiled at him as he began to lead us around the other side of the fire pit.
‘Yes, there is… I saw a speaker earlier in the tent. Have
a think, Trip and Nonna with possibly some of Kendall’s help organised this… So, what music do you think Trip’s arranged?’
His hand released me and he moved away to go back the few steps to our luxury tent. Immediately I felt bereft at the loss of his hand on mine and shivered in response.
‘The Beatles,’ I offered and laughed at the way he came to an abrupt stop, turned his head to look at me in disgust, raised his eyebrows and shook his head as he silently gesticulated that Trip better not have.
‘Let’s hope not,’ he laughed from inside the tent.
Nico came back out clutching a compact speaker in one hand and jogged the few steps back to where I stood. I was unconsciously rubbing at my bare arms with both of my hands as I tried to replace the feeling of his touch. He turned the speaker on and was once again walking over to be at my side. The moment his hands reached out towards me the air around us changed.
‘I don’t think I got to claim our first dance as husband and wife, so I think you owe me one.’
‘No, you were too busy eating cake.’ I laughed a little, enjoying the change of atmosphere around us since the last baring of our souls.
Nico’s face didn’t change as he grabbed at my hand and pulled me so fast into him, it made our bodies collide with a thud.
‘I still owe you for that.’ He grinned down at me with amusement making the corners of his eyes crinkle.
‘I think if you remember correctly, I’ve already had my comeuppance,’ I responded, with a breathier tone than I would have liked. It seemed that a simple touch of any part of his body on mine sent me spiralling out of control.
‘Oh no, mio angelo… those orgasms you so willingly gave me were purely for me and now we need to sort out the balance of power in this relationship.’ With his hands wrapped around me tightly he hoisted me further up into his arms and started running down towards the water’s edge.
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