Don't Let Me Go

by Megan Jeffery

  “Okay, well I’m going to go and straighten my hair.” She sighed.

  “Oh, do you have to leave soon?” I asked.

  Amy nodded. “I’m afraid so, Dani.”

  “Heh” I giggled.

  “What?” She wondered.

  “Nothing. It’s just been a while since you called me that.” I justified.

  With a minor fragmented smile she whispered, “I guess it has.”

  The tears began to well up again and I thought to myself “goddamnit Dani, not now!”

  Amy picked up her bag which had been sitting on the counter-top from the night before and prior to turning her back on me to get ready, she stood still - eyes still locked on me. “I’m so sorry Dani.”

  “Don’t!” I came back with, without missing a beat.

  “Don’t Amy.” I said again, in a softer tone. I sensed that she knew what I meant. I was implying that adding anything more would just make the situation harder to deal with.

  With that, she left and I found myself alone for a few moments. I adamantly didn’t want to be there when she left for work. I had to get out of that apartment as soon as possible because my head felt like it was going to explode. The emotions were too much to take. I couldn’t believe I was about to lose Amy forever.

  I hid in my room and got dressed. I threw on anything instantly visible to me. My head was misplaced and my brain was in a foggy state. Once adequately clothed, I waited for that ‘bang’ of the front door but at the last minute, I rushed out to beat Amy. I didn’t want to cross paths so I went for it. Leaping from the four walls of my bedroom like a locust, I did not even waste a millisecond.

  When I left the apartment and subsequently the building, the air of the city was somehow different. For the first time since we moved in, I noticed how loud the cars were, how piercing the sound of hungry pigeons was and most of all, how scary the outside world is without Amy. She had been my protection, my shield and the one who made me feel as if I were queen of the world, governing from cloud nine. When Amy was around, nobody would hurt me and nothing could get under my skin. For verily, she was my heroine, my muse and the woman who distracted me from the pains of life.

  During the worst of times, she acted as my best friend and in the best of times, she was…my everything. As I stood by the corner of the street with tears streaming down my face, the realisation struck me like a hard unforgiving iron. I loved her. No, not just in the way that one friend loves another. I was in love with her. That was why these feeling were so novel to me, so indescribable, so pure and natural.

  “Oh my God…what an idiot you have been!” I said to myself. How could I not have been aware before? I could have saved what we had because I saw my heart in hers and this whole time, I felt for her the way that she did for me! Heck we could have been together right now! The gift of love reached me but it did so too late. Now I was going to lose the woman I love when she is about to travel across the pond to the United Kingdom.

  My tremendous panic violently turned into nausea. I felt ill because I was rendered in a position of uncertainty once more. What was I to do? Do I reveal my feelings to Amy and cause another stir, or do I risk letting her go and live out the rest of my life not knowing what might have come of telling her the truth?

  I had to make rapid decisions in the midst of a brewing nightmare. I decided to take a walk. I paced past hundreds of unknown faces. Many people stared at me: the panicky mess of a girl in a rush to get nowhere. I didn’t care and I didn’t even know where I was going. Some time went by and very rapidly as well. I stopped by a fast food place because it looked familiar to me. I got my bearings in place and obliged my mind to do some thinking. Why did this area look so familiar? Had I been here before?

  I walked at a more normal speed in the same direction that I had been. The building in front of me answered my questions. It was Carmen’s apartment building. I recognised the location from the night that ended up damaging our relationship.

  As I was still in the process of scanning for solutions in my mind, it seemed to make sense to speak to Carmen now that I was here. Isn’t it funny how sometimes life leads you to where you need to be even when you think you’re headed for disaster? Who knows though, maybe I still was.

  I chanced it. I rang the bell and after an anxious few seconds, her voice came through. “Hello?”

  “Carmen, it’s Dani. I’m so sorry to bother you and to show up randomly but are you free to talk?”

  “Dani who? I’m sorry.” She responded.

  “Daniella. I’m Amy’s friend. I came round a while back.” Labelling Amy as a ‘friend’ was now awkward for me, having clarified my feelings for her.

  “Oh of course! Dani. Sure let me buzz you up.”

  Once again wasting no time, I speedily ran up the stairs to her apartment.

  “Daniella! How the heck are ya?” She warmly invited me.

  “Oo not so good I’m afraid Carmen.” I replied, still maintaining some polite composure.

  “Well would you like to come in?” She asked.

  “I don’t want to impose but I do need to speak to you.”

  “Nonsense, please.” She waved me in and I took off my coat and shoes. Carmen was such a pleasant girl. A truly warm-hearted and down to earth human being.

  I entered.

  “Your place looks even more stunning in the daytime!” I exclaimed.

  “Dani, you’re shaking. Please sit and tell me what’s going on.” Carmen said. With a heart of gold, she ignored my common platitude and was more concerned with the topic of substance which I came to discuss.

  We sat on her couch and she intently looked at me.

  “So, you know how Amy is moving away?”

  Carmen nervously nodded subconsciously knowing that this conversation would be more serious than she expected.

  I continued, “well I really don’t know what to do.”

  Carmen lay her hand on my lap and said, “honey, I know this must be hard for you because you two are such good friends but she’ll visit and you could go over whenever you can.”

  “You see, that’s just it. I…I don’t see her as my friend.”

  “You don’t?” Carmen was puzzled.

  “No. I’m…deeply in love with her.” I said.

  A stunned Carmen removed her hand from me as she was shaken by what I said. In fact, she was lost for words and after a few failed attempts to speak, she said, “but…she was in love with you and you rejected her. That’s kind of why she’s going away.”

  “I know, I know! I’m a complete idiot but I realise now that I love her…and I can’t live without her.” I replied.

  “Oof this is heavy Dani. Really freaking heavy. I don’t really know what to tell you. I don’t need to tell you what you already know: that this was avoidable.” She said.

  “So… so what do I do?” I trembled.

  Carmen pensively gazed trying to think up some kind of answer.

  “I should tell her, should I?” I added.

  “Oh hell no! No no no, you can’t tell her!” She insisted with oomph.

  “Wait, what do you mean?” I said.

  “Dani… listen to me. If you told Amy now, think how messed up her head would be. I don’t think you acknowledge or even register how much she loved you. I mean girl, she really really loved you. When you didn’t feel the same way back, she broke inside.”

  “How do you know that?” I wondered.

  Carmen with a smile that showed her recognition for my naivety said, “she told me. Every day for two weeks we would speak on the phone. She was head over heels for you. Nose over tail, actually. She’s finally taking a step to move on.”

  “I know but…” I tried to combat her words but she beat me to it.

  “Dani, Amy is going away. She’s starting a new journey in her life and you need to realise that. As you know, she hasn’t had the best opportunities in life so far. This is huge for her! It’s her chance to make it. I hate to say this but… it’s too la
te.”

  “It can’t be!” I cried out with sobbing eyes.

  Carmen lowered her voice and said, “I’m so sorry. I wish I could say something more enlightening but deep within you, you already know the truth.”

  “I don’t know what to do.” I said, barely audible from the tears and welling up in my throat. My heart felt like it was about to escape through my mouth.

  “The only thing you can do now is be a good friend. Support and respect her decision. It’s hard on her too, you know.” She said.

  I cried on Carmen’s shoulder. She was a good friend and held me tightly. I needed that support.

  “Can I get you a coffee? Maybe some water or something?” She offered, kindly.

  “Oh no no. Thank you so much though but I think I’d best be going.” I answered.

  “You sure? Stay, for me at least.” She repudiated my previous statement.

  “Really Carmen, you’re amazing but I really need to be off now.”

  Carmen looked at me with a comforting regard. She was emotional herself as her left eye began to water. The right one followed. She hugged me before saying, “I understand. Do what you need to do but please know that Amy is my friend too. Don’t make this harder for the both of you. I’d hate to hear about her heart breaking again.”

  “Don’t you worry Carmen. As much as I love her, you’re right and she deserves the best.” I said.

  “It’s funny you say that.” She said.

  “What?” I was curious.

  “ ‘She deserves the best’. That’s what Amy used to say about you.”

  “It is?” I replied.

  “Yup, all the time. To think how perfect you two would have been together. A match made in heaven but some things just aren’t meant to be.” Her words disturbed me.

  “Yeah…I can’t believe I’m letting her go.” Something inside me flared up. A kind of fire, some sort of flame that had fight with it.

  “Hey come on, she’s not just going to leave your life forever. You really think she is?” She said.

  “Well sure she is Carmen. Think about it. She’ll be over there in England starting a whole new life. She’ll meet someone else, make new friends and before you know it, I’ll be a long lost memory. Come on, it’s Amy we’re talking about. She’s a lively free-spirited girl. Nothing ever stops her.”

  “…And yet you’re the only person who ever could.” Carmen spilled.

  Her words were like a torch to my soul. “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  “What you said is true. Amy is a free-spirit and I’ve known her for a long time Dani. Nothing ever gets to her or stops her in her tracks. Nothing ever made her stay in one place and no-one ever gave her a thrill or joy so powerful to make her want to remain in that one place….except for you. You’re the only person who ever got under her skin. You stole her heart. The way she talked about you…I’ve never seen anything like that in her.” Carmen said.

  “Oh my God, you’re right.” I stated. It was the first time I properly comprehended the extent to which Amy loved me. I had been so self-absorbed until that point.

  Carmen’s composure changed slightly and so did mine.

  “You know what Carmen? I know what you said and I respect it but I have to do this. I just have to. I need to tell her. I love her and if I let this slip me by, I will never forgive myself.”

  Carmen surprisingly smiled at me a gave me a gentle nod. “I think you might be right, Dani. I think I underestimated how much you care about Amy. Look…if you’re going to do this and it doesn’t go the way you want, please promise me you’ll be there for her as a friend.”

  “I promise.” I said with confidence. I nervously headed for the door before Carmen said, “Oh and Dani? If you do get her, never ever let her go.”

  I smiled at Carmen and left.

  DON’T LET ME GO

  This was not going to be a stroll in the park. When I was at college, I thought finals were a challenge but when stakes are this high and emotions are running wild through the mind, nothing is scarier.

  I walked home. I thought about everything I could say to Amy. How would I start the conversation? When would I say it and where? There was no right answer. I pondered as to whether I should take the ‘rip the bandaid off’ approach and just come out with it but that would definitely not be a good idea. More context would be needed. I was also obviously worried about the numerous things that could go wrong. Nonetheless, such things had to be put aside because I needed to do this. More than anything else in the world. True love doesn’t come to everyone and it doesn’t happen every day either. This was unique, special and meant everything to me.

  When I arrived back to the apartment, I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I was agitated but knew that Amy wouldn’t be back for another few hours. I watched a bit of TV but that lasted for no longer than fifteen minutes. I knew I had to do something in preparation for telling Amy, but what? I had already mapped the words so what more could I do? I decided to head out to pick her up some flowers. It was a romantic gesture if anything else and even though Amy wasn’t the biggest fan of flowers, I knew that roses always made her heart flutter.

  “Who are these for then ma’am?” Said the store owner who was bundling the flowers nicely.

  “For a friend. She’s really special to me so please make sure they’re beautifully wrapped.” I half teased.

  “Well in that case, do you want to add some variety to your bouquet?” He asked.

  “No thanks.”

  “Are you sure? Does your friend only like roses or something?”

  “Hehe pretty much.” I answered.

  I loved the quirky things about Amy. Being madly in love with her didn’t help me to stop obsessing over such things. Other than the roses thing, Amy hates yellow M&Ms, she can’t stand red peppers on pizza, she is practically allergic to boy bands, ironically, and she loves mixing and matching different coloured socks.

  I should have known I loved her ages ago. The perspicacity into her likes and dislikes should have served as some sort of warning sign, right?

  “Do you want me to add a name to that?” He asked.

  “I’ll do it myself at home, thank you.”

  I purchased the flowers and put them in water as soon as I got in. I spent the rest of the afternoon typing and working away.

  At last, the door opened. I felt like an excited dog and rushed to the front door.

  Amy walked in. A stunning radiant goddess was before me. Her beautiful complexion and adorable cheeks were to die for. Technically, this was the first time I was knowingly seeing her in a romantic way. My irises turned into love hearts like an emoji and I was in love with her.

  “Hey Amy!” I said.

  “Hey Dani, you okay? You look constipated.” She joked.

  “I’m fine, how was your day?” I asked as she put her belongings down.

  “It was amazing! Today I was briefed about England.”

  “Oh yeah?” I tried to seem excited for her but I couldn’t help but be really saddened by her level of enthusiasm for moving away.

  We sat in the kitchen.

  “Basically, I will be shadowing for a lot of it plus I get the experience of seeing how the industry works in Britain. That gives me the edge over employers who have only worked in the UK or the US. Another bonus is I get some solid vacation time. I actually have a close friend in France who said I could come visit her. I’m hyped.” She was ecstatic.

  “I bet! It sounds incredible Amy. Are you not going to miss America at all?”

  “You know what…I don’t think I will. I mean sure, it’s where I have lived my whole life and it’s home but I need to get out there and live my life. Ever since I was eighteen, I always felt like something was missing. I tried and tried over here but it didn’t feel right. Nothing did. This does though. I can spread my tiny wings and build a life for myself. It’s terrifying for sure… but it’s so exciting too.”

  Carmen was right. Amy needs this and I had a
sudden change of heart, a painful but brutally honest one. I couldn’t take this away from Amy or try and stop her. I said that I couldn’t forgive myself if I let her go but I would live with shame for the rest of my life if I took away her potential happiness.

  “I am so proud of you Amy. So proud of you.” I said.

  “That means the world to me, Dani.” She whispered.

  “Just try not to forget about us squares back here in the US when you’re big over there.” I spoke in a jokey manner.

  Amy didn’t take it as a joke. Her smile vanished and I saw the sadness again. The sadness that made me wonder if she was refraining from telling me something. Her words were deep, “how could I ever forget my family here.”