“How about your friends?” I added.
“Well I mean it’s really only Carmen and Jake and…”
“…and what about me?” I led the conversation trying to find out how she felt. I needed something from her. Something to close the book. Anything.
She stared at me. A slight grin transformed into a pokerface. “Well, what can I say Dani… I’ll miss you the most but it’s better off this way. You said so yourself.”
“I guess I did.” I replied.
The ambience was tense again, like it was earlier that morning but something else was in the air too.
“Gosh Amy, you’re going to do so well in life. To think that when we met, you never believed in yourself. Well I believe in you and look how far you’ve come. You’re really going places and I just want you to know that…”
As I talked, I realised that something was happening. Amy wasn’t looking into my eyes anymore. Instead, she was fixating on my lips and I couldn’t believe what came next. She leaned it and shut me right up by kissing me. Her lips pressed against mine for just a second. Electric, passionate, perfect. I pulled away for a second just to catch my breath and to really acknowledge what had just happened.
I wanted more and so did she. I grabbed the back of her head and felt her smooth hair. We had the most intense juncture where time stool still. I kissed her so lovingly as she did too. Tears ran down my face.
Amy was surprised and in shock that I not only accepted her kiss but kept it going. After all, I hadn’t revealed my feelings towards her yet but the connection and spark between us brought us together without the need for a revelatory set of mere words. It felt as though this moment was what my whole life had been leading up to because in her sweet and tender embrace, I found everything that I had ever been looking for. I loved her so much…more than life itself because without Amy, there was nothing else. Again, I knew I had to make her stay somehow. In the midst of the kiss, there was no other option, she had to stay. She had to be mine because I was under the impression that I would die without the light she shed on my life every day.
I had to be with her. We took to kiss to her bedroom and I hugged her so tightly. I pushed her away ever so slightly and she felt my resistance.
“Is everything okay, Dani?”
“Amy, I don’t want to break your heart again and I don’t want my heart to be broken either.”
“What do you mean?” She got up and we sat up in her bed.
“I uh…I…” my sentence wouldn’t materialise.
“Dani, what’s going on?”
Amy knew me so well and sensed that something was up. I had run out of places to hide and I couldn’t run. The time for the truth was now and there was no escape from it.
“Okay Amy, this is killing me and if I don’t just come out and say it, I don’t think I ever will.” I started.
Amy looked into my eyes and in doing so, gained access to my heart and soul. Now that she was inside of my spirit, she was a part of me. There was no chance of her leaving that special place in my world that she had established from the very first day.
“Dani please tell me. You’re scaring me.” She uttered in trepidation.
“Amy, you can’t go to England.”
She was shocked and shouted, “what? What on earth are you talking about.”
The tears began again but I held them in and remained brave and firm. From a place of sheer vulnerability, I continued, “You can’t go Amy. I’m so damn in love with you and I can’t let you go.”
Amy had a similar but more intense reaction to that of Carmen. She gathered her thoughts. “Where was this a month ago?” She asked.
“I know, Amy, I know. I’ve been a fool up until now but I have nothing left to lose. I already lost you as a friend and you said you’re leaving for the UK so I just have to be honest with you.”
“Dani, I…” Amy resisted but I had to do everything I could.
“Amy, I can’t let you do this. I know this is big for you.” I said.
“It’s huge!” She interrupted.
I carried on. “It’s huge, yes. But the thought of not having you in my life destroys me inside. I can’t live without you. I love you Amy, I love you.” I hysterically cried my eyes out and spilled my heart out before her.
“Dani, this is too sudden and too late. I’m going to England in three days.I loved you too and if you had just been honest earlier…”
“I didn’t know earlier. I’ve never felt this way before for anyone. You mean everything to me and there’s got to be a way.”
“There isn’t, Dani.”
“You loved me before and I know that somewhere inside you, you still love me. You wouldn’t have kissed me otherwise.”
A moment of silence followed and Amy started to reveal raw emotions. Her face went red and I could tell she was on the verge of crying.
“Look Dani, it is what it is and it has to stay that way. I’m sorry but this time next week, I’ll be in England. I am going away sweetie…I’m so sorry.” She said the final three words under her breath and they cut like a knife.
I was in agony. I had failed and had to face the facts. Amy was leaving and in the worst possible way.
I didn’t eat for the next two days. I couldn’t even get out of bed. There was no point because the heartache was too severe. The way I saw it, it was best that I didn’t speak to Amy anymore. Anything further would deepen the wounds for both of us. Therefore, I ignored her as she did me. Still, this somewhat failed as the night before her flight, she knocked on my bedroom door.
“Come in” I croaked.
“These are yours.” Amy said holding out a set of pens. They were very special pens which I gave to her after we graduated. They had both of our names on them and were a sort of novelty gift.
“But Amy, I gave those to you.”
“You’re the writer remember.” She smiled, placing them on the desk.
“Besides, the company has a whole bunch of…” She began to explain but saw the terrible condition of my face.
“Dani, I hope you know just how much I’m going to miss you.” She said.
I didn’t reply.
“And to answer your earlier question, you’re the only person I’m really going to miss.”
Again, I said nothing and let out a small unenthused simper.
“I saw the flowers. Thank you…you know, I never deserved you Dani.” With that, she left. I knew that she had to catch her cab for the airport in a couple of hours which also meant that I didn’t have to worry about running into her in the morning. I fell asleep.
My eyes awoke to the beaming sun once again. My terrible habit of never closing the blinds was to thank for that. My mind was as numb as my body at this point. ‘Day one of life alone’ I thought. At least I could rest easy knowing that after this day, the rest get easier from then on.
I stretched. My back was in excruciating pain. Then again, I had been in bed for forty-eight hours or so. I stumbled with uncombed hair and scraggy pyjamas into to kitchen to make some coffee. I counted on spending as little time in the apartment as possible to help me get over the turmoil in my head.
However, Amy’s suitcase was still in the hallway! ‘Oh dammit, she’s slept in and missed her flight’ I thought to myself. I rushed to her bedroom and lo and behold, I found Amy. She wasn’t asleep at all. She was in a gorgeous dress and looked completely made up from head to toe. Elegantly, she sat on the bed and looked into my eyes. She was smiling and I was confused. I looked around and she had scattered the petals of the roses that I bought for her all over the bed and floor. A romantic setting. In the background, the first songs we ever listened to together when we were drunk at college.
“Amy! What the hell are you doing here? You missed your flight!” I proclaimed.
Amy didn’t react for a second. She then shook her head. “You’re right.”
“Let me call a cab, or your uncle or something.” I panicked.
Amy stood up and placed he
r hands on my waist. She then got her plane ticket which sat on her bed and ripped it up. “I’m not going anywhere Dani.”
“You…you what?” I asked. My heart was beating like an indigent untamed hornet.
“I love you too. I love you Dani.”
Amy kissed me again like she did the other night and we shared an intense moment of passion. I made squirming sounds because I was so relieved and happy. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry but I knew she was serious. By some miracle, I had Amy and she was mine. As the kiss ended, she held my face as my eyes fastened onto her beauty. The music in the background was setting up a form of perfection which is only seen in movies but we were living it right then and there.
“You’re staying… I mean…you’re staying with me?”
“Just with you Dani.”
We were about to kiss again and as I leaned in, under my final breath before sealing our fate as a couple, I whispered, “don’t let me go."
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