Joseph had ducked out of sight, and I found him—in stained jeans and a t-shirt, greasy, disheveled hair sticking on end—tucked in the corner on a chaise that he’d dragged partially behind the tiki bar.
“The cousin/bro story is a flat-out lie.” Joseph said as we approached.
“You’ve got big ears, and you’re hanging out with the professor too much.”
Joseph snorted, and it sounded more like a honk and painful. “There are no secrets around this place. They’ve shopped that same story around for the last hour or so and only went inside when the cops showed up. I heard Crum yelling at him, but couldn’t make out the words. A couple of the bad ones came through clear.” He grinned, scratching the several-day scruff on his face.
I held my breath, waiting for a bug to drop onto his shirt. Mac swore that it’d happened in the past and she couldn’t wait to share. “A big black one.” She’d held her fingers apart, indicating cockroach-size.
“If he’s not related, then who is he?” Creole snapped.
“Patience, babe.” I patted his arm and laughed at his eyeroll, then turned back to Joseph. “Just tell us what you do know.”
“Two nights ago, sometime after midnight, that guy wandered in off the street and went from cottage to cottage, turning the knobs, not hitting pay dirt until he got to Crum’s door.”
“How do you know all this?” I asked.
“Do you want to hear the rest or what?”
I crossed my arms and glared at him.
“Where was I? Oh yeah. He went inside, made himself a sandwich, and sacked out on the couch. All that, and he didn’t even eat the sandwich.”
“Where was Crum?” Creole asked.
“This is the good part. The whole time, he was in his bedroom, sawing logs, which is why he’s been ordered to keep his window closed so the sober guests won’t complain. I suggested to the old lady who complained when she checked out that if she had a stiff one, she’d sleep better.” He grinned.
“The end?” I asked.
“Oh heck no. Crum got up in the morning and found him. Asked the guy, ‘What the hey hell?’ Now, this is the good part: dude said, ‘I live here.’”
“Great,” I mumbled.
“It took a while, but Crum finally dragged it out of him that he’s been living in a car parked down the street since the wife kicked him out and kept the dog.”
“The dog was a good choice,” Creole said, straight-faced.
I nudged him. “I don’t understand why the man’s not gone by now. Unless there’s cash in it for Crum?”
“Crum’s got a soft heart.” Joseph wheezed. “He’s got a lot on his plate right now and thinking about involving the man in a couple of the schemes…businesses he has going. We’ll be staying busy and out of trouble. That should make you happy.” He wheezed again, and it took a minute for him to catch his breath. “So far, everything’s legal, so don’t go worrying none.”
“I’ve got a new lawyer, in case you need one. But I’d appreciate you giving thought ahead of time to whether one of your schemes will get you arrested.” Sooner or later, he’d need the lawyer, because that would definitely happen.
“Don’t tell Crum I blabbed. Although, with a kick in the behind from you, maybe he’ll stop being a do-gooder and focus.” Joseph closed his eyes; all the gossiping had worn him out.
“Make sure you stay hydrated. Don’t want you feeling woozy and falling in the pool and drowning.”
Joseph gave me a thumbs up. “I want me a theme funeral, just so you know.” He fake-snored, a new habit he’d picked up as his way of ending a conversation.
I looped my arm in Creole’s and headed for the gate.
“I’m afraid to ask, but I’ll brave it. We headed to Crum’s?” Creole asked.
“Oh heck no. That’s what Mac’s for.” I nodded to the woman prancing in our direction.
“What the heck is that get-up she has on? If she puts someone’s eye out with one of her… hmm…”
“Breasts,” I whispered.
“You could be held liable.”
“Get rid of cousin/bro,” I said when she got closer. “I’d prefer right this second, but do the best you can, as long as it’s no later than tomorrow.”
“You’re a thief,” Miss January shrieked, running up. She skidded to a stop and teetered to an upright position, smoothing down her housedress and brushing her stringy hair away from her face. “She won’t give me back Kitty.” Half in her cups, the woman stuck her finger in Mac’s face.
“If you hadn’t left her out on the porch all night, I wouldn’t have had to send her to the veterinarian again,” Mac snapped.
“That’s sweet of you.” Miss January calmed considerably and appeared to be trying to recall if she’d known that tidbit of information. She turned and eyed Creole up and down like a tasty morsel. “Aren’t you a cute one?” She winked.
“I haven’t changed all that much since I was your neighbor, except I’m married now.” Creole stepped away from her and hugged me to his side. In his undercover days, he’d rented a cottage and used it to sneak about and have a place to sleep. He was the ideal tenant: paid on time, was rarely around, and never stirred up trouble.
“Keep your hands to yourself,” I said, “or we’ll have us a smackdown.”
Miss January cackled and slapped her knee through the thin cotton of her dress. “When I was younger, it would have been on.” The reality was that she wasn’t that old; she just looked twice her age thanks to a fifth of vodka a day. Health issues didn’t help, but she and Joseph were of the same mindset: ignore them.
“When will Kitty be back?” I asked.
“A week or so,” Mac said evasively. “Since Kitty hasn’t been well, she requires more attention. When you get her back, she’ll look a little different but will require less care.”
“Woman,” Miss January’s latest live-in hollered from the porch, “what are you doing out here? It’s hot.” The Captain stomped down the stairs, ignoring the rest of us.
Miss January scurried over to him, hung on his arm, and they went back inside.
“Friendly guy.” Creole snorted.
“He’s shy,” Mac said with a wink at me.
“Let’s hope he’s not wanted,” Creole said.
“Is Kitty at the taxidermist again?” I asked.
“Kitty’s perched on the top shelf in the office. That boyfriend of Miss January’s is the one that threw her outside. He’s lucky it wasn’t in the trash, and I told him so. He’d planned to dispose of it the next day. He confessed that he found having a dead cat staring at him downright creepy, but he didn’t want to hurt Miss January’s feelings by telling her that it’d croaked. Probably afraid he’d have to pony up for a funeral.”
“Your plan is to hope Miss January forgets, and if she remembers, tell her the same story?”
“Nooo.” Mac put her hands on her hips and thrust out her chest.
Creole watched in amusement.
“I took pictures of Kitty and sent them to a stuffed animal artist in Lauderdale. She’s making a stuffed look-alike. It won’t be exact, but I’m hoping close enough. I did upgrade to battery-operated, so it’ll shake a little.”
“You should be paying me with all the talents you’ve been able to add to your resume,” I said.
Mac snorted. “Like anyone else would ever hire me for some of this stuff. You’re just saying that so I won’t ask for a raise again.” Mac cut me off. “We’re pretty much out of excitement for the day. Maybe a little more when I boot cousin/bro. I called Crum back and cancelled the body clean-up. I fetched it myself, restuffed and taped it up, and dragged it to storage. Tomorrow, when the tour bus arrives to load up the guests for a day of sightseeing, I’ll drag it back out, scare ’em a little. I’m thinking I could make a couple more. Multiple bodies would be far more shocking.”
“Once word gets out that they’re not real, you’ll have disappointed guests on your hands,” I warned. “Forward me the pics you t
ook of the crime scene so I can take credit and impress Fab.”
“She’ll know,” Mac cautioned. “Hard to put one over on that woman.”
I looked up at Creole. “Are you ready?”
“Pretty much.”
We waved and walked back to the truck.
Creole got behind the wheel and looked over at me. “I can’t believe the stuff you deal with, and you never once reached for your Glock.”
“You lived here back when; you know how it can be. Today was tame.”
“The only interest I had in this place was you, and it’s still that way.”
Chapter Nineteen
Creole rounded the last curve before our house and slowed. “What the heck is going on?”
A white pickup truck was parked in front of the house, Fab standing not far away.
“Surprise!” I said.
He came to a sudden stop. “What?”
“Our security system is getting an update, which includes a keyless entry. I thought it was a good idea after losing my keys. I joked that I was going to surprise you, but I actually planned to tell you and forgot.”
“Good idea.” Creole pulled up and parked next to Didier’s Mercedes. “Except Fab will have the code.”
“It comes with directions on to how to change it.” I’d known that would be a concern and questioned Fab about it in advance, getting her reassurance before agreeing.
Didier leaned against the bumper of his car. “He’s almost done. What have you guys been doing?”
“After the discovery of a dead body, stuff got weirder from there, if you can believe that,” Creole said, and told him what’d happened.
“Fab’s got an update of her own. She made me promise to let her tell you.”
I took my ringing phone out of my pocket, checked the screen, and answered. “You’re not in trouble, are you?” The guys’ eyes shot to me. Liam, I mouthed.
“Not this time.”
I smiled at the phone, and the guys went back to their conversation.
“Went out to Star Island and hung out with Xander and Toady today. Spent the day floating in that gigantic pool and using the water slide. In case you forgot, the Bostwicks are going to be back in two days. They might not take kindly to the idea that they’ve had houseguests in their luxury party house, enjoying the amenities more than they ever have. I got that from the maid, who’s back from her vacation.”
“They’re not tearing it up, are they?” I closed my eyes, trying not to anticipate bad news.
“Oh heck no. Xander was worried at first about King, but once the second rodent, Moby, arrived, he got over his shyness and both of them are getting along fine.”
“Hold on a second. Fab,” I yelled. Her head shot up, and I called, “Bostwick pay you?”
She shook her head with an angry glare.
I returned to the phone. “I’m back. You want an easy, well-paying gig?”
Liam laughed. “I’ve been warned to get details up front, but I’m doing it anyway.”
“I’m thinking that’s the same admonition Mother gave Spoon.” I laughed. “I’ll be emailing you an invoice in a couple of hours that you’ll need to print out and deliver to Toady. I’ll give him a call so he’ll know it’s coming. He’s a good bill-collector.” I’d be sure to suggest that he not outright threaten the man, just imply mayhem if he didn’t cough up the payment on the spot. “I’m going to hand you off to Fab, in case she’s got questions.” I walked over and handed the phone to her. “Liam. You’ll need to update your invoice to include the two rodent-walkers and Liam’s services.” I repeated our conversation. “Toady can be the one to greet the Bostwicks when they arrive home. I don’t want Xander involved.”
Creole and Didier had walked over after a conversation with Monty, the security guy, and eavesdropped on my call and hand-off of the phone. Creole shook his head.
“What?” I flashed an innocent face. “I’ve been known to handle a non-payer or two.”
“Toady’s not going to shoot him, is he?” Didier asked.
“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that,” I said.
Fab finished the call, then had a short conversation with Monty before he roared off with a wave.
The four of us went inside, got cold drinks, and sat out on the deck.
“My turn.” Fab gave an exaggerated wave designed to draw all eyes to her, and it worked. “According to Help, several days ago, a young woman was seen walking on the side of the highway out where he lives. Security cameras at the restaurant picked her up, but after that, she went missing. Her family filed a report. The cops searched and came up with no clues and no witnesses. None that came forward, anyway.”
“What a creepy place to live,” I said.
The guys nodded in agreement.
“Anything new on the bodies?” Creole asked.
“Nothing. I thought Madison and I would hit up the funeral home and see if the guys know anything about the bodies that were found. They have a friend in the coroner’s office and are always up on the latest.”
“That sounds like so much fun,” I said sarcastically. The guys laughed. “Why don’t you take Didier?”
“Nice of you to think of me.” Didier glared, a spark of amusement in his blue eyes. “But I don’t have any free time in my schedule. For that excursion anyway. That place creeps me out, and to think my wife has this ghoulish fascination is also creepy.”
“Any other plans?” I asked Fab.
“I’m waiting on a call from Gunz, who maybe has a job for us. Something about getting paperwork straightened out for a friend, thrice removed.”
“Translation: someone he doesn’t know. Why doesn’t he do it?”
“His family would like him to sit this one out since he’s short on patience and has impulse control issues.”
“Another person who shoots to get what he wants.” Creole banged his bottle on the table.
“How dangerous is the job going to be?” Didier asked.
“Not at all,” Fab reassured him. “It just takes someone with negotiation skills.” She pointed at me.
Chapter Twenty
The next morning, Fab laid on the horn—my cue to hustle. She’d called Tropical Slumber and found out that they didn’t have any send-offs planned, so now was a good time for a visit.
I hustled out of the house, yelling, “Coffee.”
Fab crossed her lips with her fingers.
“What? We don’t want to disturb the neighbors?”
She laughed as I climbed in. “We could hit Jake’s for coffee and fill your cup with tequila.”
“That’s an idea for a very unproductive day. It just begets more tequila and then a long, drunken snooze.”
Fab swung through the drive-through for morning motivation, then over to the funeral home. She slowed in the driveway, eyeing the construction in progress on a small building on the opposite side of the driveway from the main building, where final festivities were held.
I wondered what the corporation that originally owned the hot dog stand would think of what one of their prime locations had morphed into, a one-stop shop for all your funeral needs.
“What do you suppose is going on?” Fab asked, clearly not happy at not already knowing.
A why are you asking me? look on my face, I said, “Free advice: don’t ask. It will be something weird.” It wasn’t a crematorium. They’d had one built years ago. Or a pet cemetery.
Fab parked in front of the door. The red carpet was missing; I hoped it hadn’t been stolen. I’d rather buy them a new one than track it down.
Dickie and Raul, the owners, stood in the doorway, waving. I did a double take at Dickie, who normally sported a pair of suit pants and dress shirt but had on a pair of jeans today. The waistline would have been under his breasts if the tall, stick-skinny man had had any. He was the artist, code for dead-person dresser. Raul, buffed and sporting a twelve-pack, handled the business end and was the one loathe to turn down any idea, even when it was clear
the situation should be dialed back.
Fab pointed to the construction.
“It’s a surprise,” Dickie said.
Fab grabbed Raul’s arm and pulled him off to the side.
Astro and Necco, twin Dobermans, skidded out the door and ran to me for a head scratch. I waved at Dickie, who waved and grumbled, “He’s telling her, isn’t he?”
“It’s hard to keep secrets from Fab.”
Dickie mulled that over. “We’re building a showroom/museum. We’ll be arranging vignettes so customers have more artistic choices.”
“Well…that’s a great idea.” I hoped I sounded convincing.
“When we’re not in a conference with a client, we’ll open it to tourists. To start, we’re only going to open it on weekends and gauge the interest.”
“Won’t you have to hire someone to sit out here?”
“We hired Joseph,” Dickie said, sounding surprised that I didn’t already know.
“My tenant?” My eyebrows shot up.
“I’m guessing he didn’t tell you.”
“Must have slipped his mind.” I smiled lamely.
Fab and Raul joined us, and we went inside. I chose the plastic slip-covered getaway chair for its location next to the door. For once, Fab sat next to me instead of going on her usual prowl, poking her head into the viewing rooms. Maybe she had a heads up that they were empty.
“Drinks?” Raul asked.
“Bottled water?” He nodded, and I added, “And some dog treats to maintain my status as favorite.”
He came back with sausage stick things that I eyed skeptically, but the dogs perked up and eagerly sat on their haunches. They grabbed them out of my hand and gobbled them down in a flash.
Raul settled back in a chair across the room, Dickie preferring to stand. “The three bodies that were found in Card Sound were all friends out of Homestead and disappeared at the same time,” Raul said. “According to our friend at the coroner’s office, the cops believe they were killed elsewhere and dumped out there. Someone most likely figured the area is remote enough that the bodies would never be found.”
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