by Ellis Marie
Kristie’s back garden used to be this beautiful, serene place that was picture perfect. Linda loved it and was slightly obsessive over it and how it looked, but since Benji was born, and even before that when she was pregnant, she stopped worrying about it and so everything has overgrown slightly. Gerry tried his best to keep up with it, but he had hardly any time as it is. Any time he spent in the garden is usually him attempting to build a new climbing frame or toy swing for Benji to have in the future, and so the garden looks almost a little like an outdoor toy graveyard at times.
I settle onto the fabric of the hammock, my fingers running across the familiar material. I smile at the fond memories floating around in my head.
“Kristie and I used to sit on this for hours,” I say, my voice soft as though I’m a hundred miles away, thrown back into a time of when I was free to see her as much as I wanted.
Could it be like that again?
“We used to get her older brother Scott to push us even though Linda, her mom, would give him in trouble for it.” I laugh as Trent sits down next to me in silence. “I remember one summer when we were about eleven, Kristie decided that she wanted to try and stand up while he was pushing us, and she flew off it and broke her arm. Her dad was so annoyed at her when she got wheeled into his department, but he was way more annoyed at Scott that he wasn’t allowed to go to some concert that he’d been begging to go to as punishment for not looking after us.” I sigh. My heart aches for the young and playful Scott that used to be around us. “Kristie and I felt so bad that we baked him this massive cake and went out and spent our lunch money on the CD of the band. When he came downstairs the next morning, we had a mini concert for him. At the time, he said he hated it, but he sang every song with us and ate the entire cake, so I think he liked it.”
I look down at my hands, not knowing why I told Trent the story, or why I felt so comfortable around him when I should be angry, but I let the feelings slip away as I raise my head up and feel the sun touch my skin. I close my eyes in bliss as I listen to the silence.
“Michael used to get in trouble for stuff like that all the time. I think it’s an older brother thing.” My eyes slowly open as I register Trent’s words, shock flowing through me at him opening up.
Michael is his brother . . . was his brother.
“He used to be able to convince me to do the craziest of things when we were little, and eventually, I was just as bad with him. Either way, he was the one that got punished for it, and I was usually off the hook. He always looked out for me that way.”
The tone of his voice makes me look at him and the sadness that is in his smile as he looks up at the sky makes my heart shatter. Automatically, my hand reaches out and takes his, curling my fingers around his much larger ones. His head snaps to me in shock, and I quickly let go, panic setting in my bones as I scold myself for doing that, although why, I’m not sure.
Maybe I’m just scared he will reject me again.
My reaction seems to be obvious because Trent sighs, and I can feel the tension under my skin rising as he moves a little closer to me and leans forward with his arms resting on his legs. I have to wonder how he did it so smoothly on a hammock, usually I’d at least have wobbled a little.
“Elle . . .” Trent trails off. I continue not looking at him, winding my fingers around each other as I try to focus on anything else but the feeling of dread settling in my stomach.
He doesn’t need to say everything all over again; it hurt enough the first time and I know he isn’t interested. What else is there to talk about?
“Mi cielo, please look at me.”
Tears immediately spring to my eyes, and I push them back down as I let out a choked laugh and shake my head in disbelief.
Is he serious?
“What does that mean? My conquest?” I joke, bitterness slipping into my voice. I move away from him, my heart beginning to break all over again.
“No,” he says softly. “It means ‘my sky’.”
I let out another disbelieving laugh and I want to cry.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I ask, curling my fists in on themselves at the frustration I feel. “Why are you saying that?”
I turn my eyes to Trent and his connect with mine, sparkling. My whole stomach clenches in response as his jaw clenches, his tanned skin pulled tight.
“Because it’s the truth,” he tells me quietly. I roll my eyes. “Look, Elle, I know what I said was horrible but—”
“Horrible?” I gasp, not believing the words coming from his mouth. “Horrible would have been for you to say that you didn’t like me; horrible would have been you just ignoring me. What you said was just cruel. What you did—what you’re still doing—is cruel.”
His nostrils flare as he lets out a breath. “And what is it that I’m doing?” he asks in a low tone, gritting his teeth.
“Y-you . . .” I trail off, my head becoming fuzzy as I try to compile all my thoughts into one. “You’re doing this hot-and-cold thing with me. One minute, you’re telling me all I was a way to prove yourself, and the next, you expect me to act like we’re fine and you’re calling me ‘your sky’! Whatever the hell that means! How can you not understand that?”
“You’re right!” he suddenly shouts, jumping from the hammock. His back tenses as his hands fly into his hair, clutching frantically. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand a lot of things.”
He turns to face me, and I can see the wild look in his eye as he watches me, his chest heaving.
“I don’t understand this feeling for you. I’ve read about it and been told about it, but it’s completely different when I’m actually feeling it. I can’t even look at you without wanting to just touch you or hear you or make you have that little stupid smile on your face over the smallest thing. I don’t understand why you would even want to spend time with me when you’re so f*cking perfect and how everyone doesn’t just fall at your feet for you because I want to give you everything, but what I really don’t understand the most is—” He stops, his body shaking as his words cut off. His back is facing me, his breath laboured.
Somewhere in the distance, I can hear the rushing of water, and it seems to echo my mind.
“What I really don’t understand,” he begins, almost growling, “is how you ever thought you deserved what was happening to you or why you told me that you loved him.”
He slowly turns to look at me, his eyes piercing into me like they can peer into my soul as he steps towards me, the pain on his face evident.
“How could you ever love him?”
My world feels as though it’s about to shatter as his words tumble into my ears, the meaning behind them spinning around my head as I try to get a grip on reality.
He knows.
“D-did Scarlette tell you?” I whisper, the betrayal sitting in my stomach like a bad meal. I can feel the sweat dripping down my back while the hairs on my skin rise.
“No,” he answers, his voice blunt as I look up at him in shock. His towering body seems to slump over. “I figured it out for myself. It was kind of hard not to with the bruise on your face and everything Carter was saying.”
I swallow loudly, immediately feeling guilty for assuming Scarlette would break a promise but also becoming more worried that he figured it out.
If he did, then who else would? Would everyone know by the time I went back to school?
“Elle, how?”
I choke on my own breath as I feel the wetness dripping down my cheeks. I realise I’m shaking, the anger beginning to fill me as I stare at the boy in front of me who waits for an answer.
How could I let him?
“Do you not think I’ve asked myself that day after day?” I whisper, my voice hoarse with emotions. “Do you not think I’ve sat on my own, my cheek throbbing in pain while he sits downstairs with my father watching TV wondering what I could do to stop it, what I could do to try and fix it?”
I stand up from the hammock and take a step towards Tr
ent who is looking at me in confusion.
“You’ve lost someone, maybe more than one person, but have you ever lost someone without them actually going anywhere? Have you ever watched the person you knew slip away, and you just wanted to try and do anything you could to bring them back? To make them into the person they used to be? To help them be themselves again because you’ve already lost everything else and they’re the one thing that’s left constant in your life no matter how much they’ve changed? And you convince yourself that they’ll be themselves again eventually, you just need to help them? That you could do something good for someone you love, even if it hurts you in the process?”
I take a deep breath and try to calm my shaking hands as I wipe my face, getting rid of the tears that streak my face.
“Because unless you have, then you don’t get to stand there and accuse me of that when you can’t even begin to understand it.”
Trent takes a step, clenching his fists. “You’re right, you wouldn’t understand it unless you’ve experienced it,” Trent replies with disgust on his lips. “And I have.”
The whole world seems to stop as I take in his confession; he really had lost someone . . . in every way possible. Like me.
“But . . .” he begins, stepping towards me. His large figure blocks out the sun behind him. “I still don’t understand how you could look at yourself every day and not realise that you are worthy of so much more love than he could ever give you and that he didn’t deserve to feel the kind of love that you were giving him.”
My throat swells at his words, and all my anger fades away as I look at him, as I really look at him and see the pain in his eyes and I know that mine are reflecting it back.
“But the one thing I don’t understand the most is how I didn’t know the minute I met you that something was wrong, that I didn’t see how unhappy you really were. You don’t know how much I’ll forever regret not being able to see it sooner,” he says, slowly raising his hand towards my face while gently running his fingers across the bruised skin blemishing my face.
“I’m not your responsibility,” I whisper as I shake my head, stepping away from him. My body cries at the loss of his heat, but he reaches out and grabs my hand, stopping me from leaving. “Trent, please, there’s no need for you to do all this. You already know that you’re better than Matt, please.”
My plead comes out so softly that it shocks even myself, and I can feel my heart clenching at how sad I sound.
How does he still make me feel like this? How does he make me so happy and so sad at the same time, like he’s holding my heart in his hand? It terrified me, but I’ve also never felt so at home.
“Is that what you think this is?” Trent asks, hurt in his voice. I shrug, refusing to look at him.
“You’re the one that said it,” I mumble, embarrassment taking over me at the thought and the constant feeling of rejection that accompanied it.
“Elle,” he whispers, softly taking a hold of my chin as he gently pulls my gaze up to him and his other hand wipes the tears from my eyes. “I didn’t mean it.”
Everything shudders to a halt as I watch him, looking for any sign of a lie but all I can see is the truth.
“Then why—”
He sighs, closing his eyes in frustration and his jaw clenches again but I’m not afraid. The finger holding my chin is still so featherlight that I know his emotions aren’t at me.
“You told me you loved him,” he mutters, looking out at the garden and beyond the fence as he refuses to look at me, but I can see the hurt pouring from his features. “All I want is for you to be happy, and I thought I was ruining that by wanting you. So I figured it would be easier to let you be happy if you hated me than having to constantly make you feel something for me.”
All the thoughts I had about Trent previously vanishes. I look at the vulnerable person in front of me, whose body is so still that I’m scared to move quickly in case I scare him. His large frame seems towering usually, so strong, but right now, it seems so lost, like he doesn’t know what to do and if what he’s saying is right to say.
Kristie is right, the person who had said those things to me isn’t Trent.
Trent is the boy standing in front of me—so strong one moment but so sweet the next, the man who can make my heart flutter with one look and can make me laugh like no one else. The person who seems to know exactly what to say to make me blush and whose smile makes the sun seem like it’s shining brighter. The man who would make me hate him if it made me happier.
“At the party, when I tried to kiss you—”
Trent sighs, closing his eyes and the vein in his neck popping slightly as he breathes deeply.
“I didn’t want you to regret anything with me, and I didn’t want you to feel bad for cheating.” His whole body tenses. “I thought I’d be a decent guy and respect . . .” he trails off, and if anything, his face scrunches up more in frustration, his words clear. His regret clear.
A warmth flows through me. I reach out and place my hand on his chest, the feeling turning into a deep burning and butterflies erupt in my stomach at the contact. He finally turns his head, and he looks at me with eyes wide in surprise. I smile softly.
“Thank you.” I can’t think of anything else to say to him. I know that there are a thousand thoughts swirling in my head, but all of them start and finish with everything that I don’t know how to put into words. Luckily, I don’t have to. He seems to understand, and he wraps his hands around mine, pulling me closer to his body.
“You deserve the world,” he whispers, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I lean my head into his hand slightly, his touch comforting against my skin. “And I want to give it to you.”
I glance up at him, my heart starting to beat quicker. He clearly sees the slight panic on my face because he smiles softly and strokes my cheek. I feel a little light-headed.
“It’s alright, I don’t mean right now. I don’t want to push you into something when you’re not ready. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to wait for you, and I’m going to wait until you ask me before I ever make a move.”
He’s going to wait for me?
My sweating palms feel odd in his rough and calloused hands, but they also feel right. Just like everything with him.
“With Matt, I—”
Trent cuts me off, shaking his head and wrapping an arm around my waist. He pulls me against him as I stare up in awe at his calm features, his adoring eyes.
“Do you believe in love at first sight?” he asks, and I shake my head. “Neither do I,” he states with a smirk on his face as he looks over my features. “But the Japanese have this saying, ‘Koi No Yokan’.”
I look at him in confusion and he chuckles at my expression, his palm holding the side of my neck as he looks down at me.
“Is that an insult?” I joke, making him laugh. The sound brings a smile to my face. The sun seems to be shining again.
“No, mon coeur,” he mumbles, gently touching my bottom lip with his thumb as his tongue slowly licks his own. “It is a phrase which describes the sudden knowledge upon meeting someone that the two of you are destined to fall in love.”
My head feels light, my breathing is shallow, and my heart is straining against my chest as I watch him watch me. His words run through my veins like blood—electrifying.
“You are my destiny, Elle. The moment I met you, I knew it was inevitable that I’d fall in love with you. No matter what I try to do, it’s impossible not to. I can’t stay away from you, and I’ll wait as long as I need to until you’re ready to let me love you in the way that you deserve.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
The boys stay at Kristie’s house for a little while, but eventually, they head back to school to collect their things. Kristie and I spend the rest of the evening discussing Trent and what he said to me.
It’s safe to say that Kristie is over the moon by what he’s confessed. She doesn’t shut up for hours, going on about how ‘she had told m
e so’ and that the two of us are perfect for each other. I think she almost falls for him when I tell her about ‘Koi No Yokan’ and what it means; we also google it to make sure.
Later, when Linda returns home and we all sit down to have dinner, Kristie gushes to her about what happened. We’re all completely taken by surprise when Gerry walks through the front door with a bottle of champagne dangling from his hand.
Linda looks so happy to see him that my heart almost bursts for her. When he announces that a new surgeon has started working for them, which means less overtime, I thought all our faces might break from the smiles splitting across them.
I feel guilty for intruding on their moment, just like I do about staying with them, but Kristie quickly stops any arguments that I have. Of course, being the amazing person that she is, Linda doesn’t hesitate to let me stay for as long as I need, and I’m grateful to her for it.
The night is spent with us all fussing over Benji and then settling down to watch a movie together. This turns into us all laughing at Gerry as he falls asleep on the sofa and begins to snore very loudly, causing us to take some funny videos and pictures.
By the time we go to bed, I feel the most peaceful and welcomed that I have in my entire life. Their family always brings a smile to my face and makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. That is not the feeling I now have walking through the front doors of our high school.
“You’re fine, Elle. Deep breaths,” Kristie murmurs beside me, her hand squeezing mine. I shoot her a smile in response, but I know it looks strained and panicked. “Everything is going to be okay, just be strong.”
I nod, my mouth dry and unable to respond as I try to ignore the stares of people around me who are watching me in shock. Their eyes trail up and down my body and then at the person next to me, who clearly isn’t my boyfriend.
“I can do this,” I whisper to myself, straightening my back and thanking myself for wearing flats and not heels because they draw a lot less attention without the sound of clicking on the hard floor.