by Nisioisin
001
Nadeko Sengoku, fourteen years old.
Born June 3, Gemini, blood type B.
Five feet tall (and growing), body weight 84 pounds or so.
Right-handed.
20/20 sight in both eyes.
Both parents alive and well.
Monthly allowance: 1,200 yen.
Member of Year 2, Class 2 at Public Middle School #701. Seat number 28.
First-term report card. Japanese: C. Math: D. Social studies: B. Science: D. English: C. P.E.: D. Music: D. Art: B. Technology and Home Economics: A.
Best subject: None in particular. Worst subject: Math.
No Extracurriculars Club.
On softball team during part of first year, but voluntarily withdrew after less than a month. Reason given: “Tired.”
Doesn’t own a bicycle.
Doesn’t own a cell phone. Doesn’t own a computer.
Reads about two books a month.
Reads two magazines a month, too.
Few friends.
No best friend. No boyfriend.
Prefers pants over skirts.
Rarely wears them voluntarily.
Given up as far as school uniforms go.
Prefers going barefoot, sandals and bare feet.
Always barefoot at home, even in the winter.
Hates socks, in other words.
They feel gross.
Not particularly attached to any hairstyle, but has long bangs in the front.
They’ve been long ever since elementary school.
Parents used to cut her hair, but now cuts her own.
Hobby: Collecting hats.
Now owns a total of twelve hats. Has many types of hats (from safari hats to swim caps), but prefers ones with brims.
Wears these hats low over the eyes.
So that people can’t see her eyes.
So that she doesn’t have to see eyes.
Doesn’t like meeting eyes with others.
Doesn’t like crowded places.
Reserved, gloomy, and shy personality.
Questionable vocabulary and doesn’t like talking.
Can’t talk while looking at someone’s face.
Doesn’t like being looked at, doesn’t want to be looked at.
Can’t stand seeing or being seen.
Always looks down, facing the ground, stammering and mumbling when she does talk.
Usually stays quiet.
Keeps her mouth shut.
Silent, mute.
Favorite foods: Salisbury steak, stir-fried noodles.
Favorite manga: ’80s.
Favorite novels: Young adult.
Favorite movies: Fantasy.
Favorite sport: Figure skating (favorite to watch).
Favorite games: Retro.
Favorite music: Folk songs.
Favorite color: Purple.
Favorite Big Brother: Big Brother Koyomi.
Favorite person.
Koyomi Araragi.
002
i think it’s a very wonderful thing to fall in love with someone.
It’s a feeling like that’s all you need in your life, all you need to be cheerful, to make everything soft and fluffy.
The world is such a tough place, with so many things that are annoying or that don’t go your way, so there’s no end to things to be worried about, and the things you think will always be there for you might crumble at a moment’s notice, and the rules you think you could rely on turn out to be less reliable than you thought, and your body and your heart get so easily tired, so exhausted that you might just find yourself wanting to slump over on the ground, but even so, it’s like you can keep pushing yourself if you love someone, like you can always stay standing and keep walking if that someone is kind enough to stay by your side.
It’s like you can smile.
Even if you want to cry.
…
……
………
…So then.
So then, why?
So then why─am i.
Why is Nadeko curled up in a ball right now?
Why am i crouched down like this?
Arms around Nadeko’s knees, looking at the ground.
Why am i crying?
i don’t know.
i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know.
Really, why?
Why did it turn out like this?
i don’t know─
and i don’t want to know, either.
“What the hell are you doing, thinking about how it could’ve gone this way, or that way, or the other way─hmmmm?” the white scrunchy around Nadeko’s right wrist says─no, it isn’t technically a scrunchy.
This thing that looks like an armband is a white snake.
A white snake with bristling scales.
According to the horse’s mouth (the snake’s mouth?), he said to call him a serpent, not a snake─he seems to like the sound of it better.
It fits me well, he says.
Of course, “snake” and “serpent” should mean the same thing, so it shouldn’t be a problem if i describe this white scrunchy as a snake.
That isn’t the problem.
The problem is anywhere but there.
The scrunchy─the Serpent speaks.
His tone drips with malice.
It’s not about this or that─there’s no other way it could have gone, he says.
“Listen here. You know it’s aaaall your fault─my dear little Nadeko.”
“No,” i retort.
But Nadeko knows better than anyone that the retort is nothing more than a reaction, that there isn’t an ounce of strength in the word─Nadeko just reflexively denied what Mister Serpent said, nothing more.
A reaction, a reflex.
Nothing close to a retort.
“It’s not Nadeko’s fault.”
i try repeating the words, but they’re all but empty.
Empty and pointless.
No different from saying, it’s Nadeko’s fault.
Even so, Mister Serpent is only saying that to be mean. He must not actually think that it’s Nadeko’s fault─because the Serpent is something far removed from any moral concepts like good and evil.
For this snake, it’s only black or white, not good or evil.
White or black. Black or white.
That’s all.
No gray.
No judgment.
Because his opinion is─
“Hsshh hsshh hsshh─that’s exactly right, my dear. You know, I’d always thought of you as some unreliable brat whose thoughts I could never quite wrap my head around, but it actually seems like you see me for who I really am. Or did you just now figure it out? Because if you think about it, it’s already too late─hmmmm?” says the Serpent.
It feels like his wide-open mouth is about to swallow Nadeko up─and even if it doesn’t, his bared, glinting fangs make her shrink.
i cower.
…No, that’s a lie.
Fangs don’t scare Nadeko anymore.
They’re nothing to Nadeko.
i was surprised the first time i “saw” Mister Serpent, and i was scared too, but now i can look back fondly on a Nadeko who let this level of sharpness scare her, a Nadeko who could be afraid of it.
Nadeko is no longer afraid of anything.
There’s nothing Nadeko can be afraid of anymore.
Nothing anymore.
Those days when the fangs seemed scary.
Those days when Nadeko was a regular middle school student.
…Those days when Nadeko was a victim.
How long has it been since then? Well, i say so nostalgically, but not enough time has really gone by for Nadeko to say she’s looking back on all of this.
i remember every detail.
At the same time, though, that other day is so far gone i can never return to it─you can say it’s also the distant past.
While i wish from Nadeko’s heart that i could go back to being the person i was then, i know that’s impossible.
“Well, I wouldn’t say impossible. Listen here, Nadeko─returning to the past isn’t as difficult as you mammals think,” the Serpent says.
No, i guess Mister Serpent isn’t technically saying anything─he’s speaking directly to Nadeko’s heart.
That’s what he said.
You’re simply imagining my voice, he said.
Well, no, he never actually said anything.
He never actually tells Nadeko anything.
i’m hearing things.
i’m seeing things.
That’s what it is.
That’s what an aberration is.
Something aberrant, some kind of alteration.
If only i’d understood that better─then things probably wouldn’t have turned out this way.
This way. Any way.
“And so, my dear. If it’s your wish to return to the past, I wouldn’t mind granting it─after all, this great serpent before you is what your kind calls a god.”
“A god…”
Why?
The words seem empty.
They sound so “vackuous.”
The title, which should feel trustworthy, sounds like a flimsy front to Nadeko now. They don’t make it into Nadeko’s head, as if i was reading a math textbook.
A god.
A god…
God resides in all of our hearts, apart from which there is no faith─who did i hear that from?
“Will something change if we go back to the past?” i ask.
“Oh, no. Not a thing. Everything is just going to happen all over again. Like a refrain, or maybe a repeat, or no, I guess I should take this opportunity to say it’s like an Ouroboros. Going around and around forever, for eternity, just repeating itself─and yet, Nadeko, it’s at this point, when you have your arms around your knees, when you’re crying and cowering, that you always say that you want to go back to being the person you were. And then I grant your wish, each and every time. Like a god, you know?”
“…What a ‘tragidy.’”
It is a “tragidy.”
Even dying would be a better option─it’s not an exaggeration in this case.
Even living.
You could go so far as to say that having to rehash these same emotions forever is no different from hell─but at the same time, Nadeko can’t help but think.
This white snake wrapped around her right wrist that won’t let go, Mister Serpent─isn’t he the one who has had to repeat such a hell for eternity?
This snake that’s lived for over a thousand years.
This snake that’s died for over a thousand years.
Living and dying and living, again and again.
This snake that’s become a god.
That’s right. Mister Serpent is, after all, a god─something Nadeko doesn’t believe in.
A god that Nadeko─“ressurrected.”
“In that case, i don’t want to go to the past… Nadeko just wants to stay here like this forever.”
“Ah, is that so. Well, listen, my dear, you say that, but you don’t even know where you are and what you’re doing right now, do you, Nadeko?”
“i understand that much.”
That much, at least.
There are a lot of things that Nadeko doesn’t understand now, but she hasn’t lost sight of herself to the point that she doesn’t even know where she is.
i’m in a good place. No, that’s a lie.
Nadeko has lost sight of herself. She has lost herself.
But i still know.
Nadeko at least knows─where she is now.
She at least knows that she’s under the floor of a shrine.
That she has her arms around her knees under the floor of a shrine that once went to ruin─Kita-Shirahebi Shrine.
“i wonder what a stranger would think if they saw Nadeko now. Whispering here under the floor of a shrine. Would they think i’m a thief?”
“Beats me─but every human is like a thief to one extent or another. All they ever think about is how to snatch away someone’s vested interests.”
“i don’t know…”
“I think you do. Isn’t that something you’ve come to know better than anyone else in the world over the past few days? Hmmmm?”
“But i think there are a lot of people who aren’t like that, too.”
“If you’re going to say that, you ought to say there are a lot of times when things aren’t like that─because it’s up to the way a person decides to be in the moment, right? It’s easy for a good person to become a bad one, and it’s easy for a bad person to become a good one. Isn’t that the case for all the people you’ve dealt with until now? Have you forgotten? Hmmmm?”
“…”
i have the feeling that he’s trying to talk Nadeko into a corner, but that’s not why she’s quiet.
Nadeko often goes quiet when she doesn’t know what to do, but this time it’s different.
i’m quiet for a different reason.
Rustle.
i went quiet because of that sound.
It seemed to reset the Serpent’s hallucinatory voice along with Nadeko’s own, which just barely spoke to herself─seemed to “ickstinguish” it all.
The sound of footsteps.
By the sight of it─no, the sound of it, these were faint footsteps.
But it was a large sound to Nadeko.
A gigantic, massive sound.
The footsteps sounded to Nadeko like a “bahemoth” was “discending” on her.
Hopeless footsteps that seemed to destroy everything, turn everything upside down─
“…!”
And at that moment, it was blown away.
What was? Well, the shrine.
The shrine whose floor Nadeko was hiding under.
It was blown away─um, you know the story of the Three Little Pigs, right? i haven’t read it since i was little so i don’t remember the details too well, but i’m pretty sure there’s a house in it that a Mister Wolf blows down.
i recall being shocked by his lung capacity. What big lungs Mister Wolf must have, i thought, but that’s exactly what i just got to see.
Maybe that story isn’t make-believe, either.
Still, we’re talking about a wooden structure here, not a straw house.
It couldn’t have been sheer lung capacity, of course─
“Daydreaming about fairy tales in the middle of this crisis, Nadeko? I’m amazed─I always thought of you as the delicate type, but just look at those tough nerves of yours. Maybe it means you’ve learned how to detach your heart from your mind─hsshh hsshh. If that’s the case, I was right to pick you as my partner. I wasn’t sure about it from the very start to the very end, but I’m finally certain now, here at the very, very, very end.”
No.
That’s just crazy.
Mister Serpent didn’t pick Nadeko as his partner to begin with─neither the Serpent nor Nadeko had any choice at all.
Just crazy.
i feel a broken piece of the shrine fly past above Nadeko’s head, but she doesn’t look up, she keeps her arms around her knees─Nadeko doesn’t even flinch.
“Come on, dear, don’t look away from reality─just how long do you plan to sit there staring at the ground? You can close your eyes, avert them, hide them, cast them down, but none of it is going to make reality disappear. You must know that, you must have learned that by now─hmmmm?”